Manny Pacquiao-s, Oscar's fudge-uiao. Or something. What I mean is: Pacquiao won the fight

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



The fight isn't over yet, but I am calling it already. Pacquiao beats De La Hoya. Pacquiao wins. You heard it here first.

update: Yup, I was right. Here's Oscar's face.

How Long Until We See These at Giants Games?

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



















Why wouldn't you want your very own Plaxico Burress/Cheddar Bob Jersey? Getting Giants #17 with the name CheddarBob on it just feels like the right thing to do. If you are a real Giants fan, you gotta sack up and get this for the Holidays. It would go very well alongside the Ron Mexico Falcons jersey in your closet.

Big Asian Spender

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



Who paid $200,000 for this 2.37 lb. White Truffle. Some Asian Ho. No seriously, Stanley Ho from Hong Kong bought it.

The Where Awesome Happens Holiday Cause: Fighting Childhood Obesity

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


As a youth I was lucky to have avoided childhood obesity. My parents did a great job of providing healthy meals and teaching us kids about nutrition. It also helps I was interested in playing sports and staying physically active, but I realize that my parents had a much bigger hand in my childhood fitness than I did. Sadly, it seems that nowadays it seems that fewer and fewer kids are as lucky as I was in that regard. I frequently see children in public that, as a kid, would have been considered chubby, but today just appear normal.

Countless Psychological studies link childhood obesity to everything from low self-esteem and decreased life-expectancy to earning less money as adults. Since I primarily blame the parents for childhood obesity, and given how ignoring nutrition and exercise can manifest itself later in life, I am determined to fight childhood obesity.

When it comes to fixing such a widespread problem, everyone has an opinion. Some people feel that the best way to do this would be to adopt Switzerland's banning of marketing to children, others would prefer to see health classes taught at the elementary school level, and those are just two of the myriad of possibilities.

The Where Awesome Happens strategy? I will let these videos speak for my favorite way to fight childhood obesity.




















You'll just have to pretend this guy is an obese kid, cuz this is really hilarious.

Two Ways to Express Displeasure Over the Thanksgiving: The Florida Way.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


If you find yourself fatigued with the giving of too many thanks over the weekend and you wish your guests didn't stay so long, here's an idea: Chase out dinner guests with a machete. According to Annette Jenkins of Tampa, Florida, it works.


Or if you are displeased at how a friend of T.R. Slyder is trying to surreptitiously take phone pics of you and your unsightly partner in Orlando, here's an idea: Shoot him a look like this one.


Her favorite sport may be softball, but that look indicates a willingness to play hardball if necessary.

More Stuff I Don't Understand

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Why do some people's voicemail messages say things like, "Hi, you've reached Angela, sorry I'm not here to take your call..."

Isn't that kind of an oxymoron? In fact, didn't the caller do the exact opposite of reach Angela? That's about as logical as saying "Not to change the subject, but..." then proceeding to change the subject.

All I Want For Christmas

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



This year I am asking for only one thing. I want Miami University Head Mens's Basketball coach, Charlie Coles to FINALLY come out with his own line of Charcoal. When your name is CHARlie COLES, and you coach in the obesity belt of the midwest, you just have to do it. You have to. As a proud alum I'd gladly buy it exclusively. Do the right thing, Charlie.

Give Joe Biden Credit

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



Remember when Joe Biden predicted that if elected, Barack Obama would "tested" by some kind of terrorist activity? Then every political commentator chalked it up Biden being a motormouth, and thought he was stupid? While it maybe wasn't the savviest political manuever, he was absolutely correct. So whatever intelligence Biden and Obama are receiving must be a bit better than the intelligence that brought us into the Iraq War.

I hope a mainstream news outlet will revisit his prediction and give him at least some credit for being plugged in. I happen to think the truth is a savvy political manuever. Good call, Joe Biden.

Plaxico Got His Cheddar Bob On

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



Remember this scene from 8 Mile?



















I guess that would make Eli Manning like Eminem. Wow, I never thought I'd say that. But there is no longer any denying it. Great work, Cheddar Plax. Thanks for comin' out.

Plaxico Burress Back in the Lead for Dumbest Ass In NFL

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


As I intrepidly reported last week, Ohco Cinco was, for a time, the dumbest ass in the NFL. But Plaxico Burress has shot that theory (and himself in the leg) to hell. He shot himself while in a club. I really hope this is the song that plays when his name is announced.

Just to be sure, lets make a list of all of the stupid things you see here.

1. Handling a gun in public
2. Handling a gun in a club, where you're likely drinking alcohol
3. A high-profile person doing #s 1 and 2
4. Handling a gun and pointing it at any human being, yourself included
5. Pointing the gun at a human being while at a club
6. Discharging a gun in public
7. Discharging a gun that is pointed at another human being, yourself included
8. Being a professional athlete and discharging a gun in public while it is pointed at your leg


This is the funniest celebrity shooting in a bar since Johnny Paycheck, singer of "Take This Job and Shove It" shot a man in the head over a dispute over which tasted better: turtle meat or deer meat.

You know on YouTube, when you search for something like a music video, and you see like 990 versions of moron teenagers doing their impressions of that video? I think that's what Plax was trying to do. He was making his bling'd out, club version of this YouTube classic where a police officer accidentally shot himself in the leg while teaching elementary school kids about gun safety.




And this blogger says well done, Plaxico. You are one of the stupidest people I have ever heard of.

Umm...Maybe They Should Stop Calling Them "Door-Busters"

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com









As this Washington Post article states: "...'out-of-control' shoppers desperate for bargains broke down the doors at a 5 a.m. sale". In other words, these shoppers took the phrase "door busters" literally, and they busted down the door and killed a guy. Nothing says "Holiday Spirit" like a little early-morning murder in the name of saving $15% on a Sony PSP so your kid can get more obese.

That's what you get for trying to greet Black Friday Wal-Mart bargain hunters at 5 a.m. in Long Island: murdered without dignity. Good job Long Island weirdos.

The Research is in: Orthodox Jews Like Silverback Gorillas.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com




But then again, everybody loves Kwan the Gorilla at the Lincoln Park Zoo.

Random

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I had a few ideas for a blog post, but they were more like blurbs, and I didn't want to waste my time or yours by stretching them into a regular-length post. So I'll just combine them.

1) In the wake of the Mumbai terrorism it reminded me that I miss the name "Bombay". I should probably research why the name change occurred, and I probably will later, but I don't feel like it right now. I always thought that Bombay was a cool sounding name.

2) Does anyone else find themselves domestically multi-tasking more now than they did 5 years ago? For instance, as I type this I have my television on. I'm "watching" the Tennessee vs. Georgetown basketball game. I don't know what the score is, but it's on anyway. I guess if I get bored typing I look up to see the score, or if I hear announcers screaming then I look up. But really, it's a waste of electricity. After the game is over if someone asks me if I saw the game I'd have to confess, that I didn't really watch it. I couldn't name one thing that happened during the game, so there really isn't a point. Plus it's probably affecting my writing to some extent.

I am all for legitimate multi-tasking like brusing my teeth in the shower, running errands while dinner is in the oven, talking on the phone while I do dishes, or reading on an airplane (by airplane I mean "toilet"). Those kill two birds with one stone, but it seems like lately I think that I am multi-tasking, when all I'm actually doing is needlessly distracting myself.

I find myself doing that kinda thing more and more, though. I'll read with the TV on, then realize I didn't retain what I read very well. Or I'll talk on the phone while reading news on the internet. What I've noticed the result has been then I just half-assedly read stuff. While, I'm reading a news article I'm thinking "Ok, that headline has my attention. I'll read the article. Ok, the first two sentence will be a lame intro/attention grabber, so I can skip to the second or third sentence. Ok, basically, this article is about our recession, so I'll just skim for numbers or quotation marks to see what an expert has to say. Ok, I haven't found any yet, what the hell? Oh man there aren't any! Oh Jesus, now I have to read the entire first two paragraphs? Oh well, I guess I'll sack up and do it. Ok, I'll just read them regularly I guess." That entire process is obviously pathetic as hell, and even like two years ago I would have just started reading the article like an ordinary human does. I think all the multi-tasking reduced my attention span to like 25 seconds.

But it seems like the whole world is geared toward that now. CNN and ESPN2 have the scrolling ticker thingy on the bottom of the screen. Magazines have multiple little snippets on the first 20 pages or so, none of them containg more than two paragraphs, websites seem to have increasingly smaller (I guess that's called "decreasing") articles, SportsCenter shows just clips of games, the Daily Show watches political speeches for you then gives you the highlights of what you missed, etc. Oh, and txt msgs, are maybe the biggest single contributer. In the 1880's people used to write actual letters to other people and would write rough drafts for them, and crank out an interesting letter that they had revised as though they were the editor of the Wall Street Journal. Nowadays people just post a sentence to Twitter like "Jessica Simpson has big boobiezz".

Ok, that article exceeded my attention span. I'm ready for a new, two minute blurb! How about you?

3) Have you ever heard the word "Spangled" other than "the Star-spangled Banner"? I'm gonna try use that word once in a while and see how I like it. They Rnt Gr8 4 ur attn span.

According to Merriam-Webster.com

Pronunciation:

\ˈspaŋ-gəl\

Function:

noun

Etymology:

Middle English spangel, diminutive of spang shiny ornament, probably from Middle Dutch spange; akin to Old English spang buckle, Middle Dutch spannen to stretch

Date:

15th century

1 : a small plate of shining metal or plastic used for ornamentation especially on clothing
2 : a small glittering object or particle


I assumed it meant, like "dotted", as in "the floor was spangled with dirt" or something. Apparently it means something akin to "shimmer". Does "star-spangled banner" even make sense then? A banner with little shiny objects on it? So did Francis Scott Key mean that he was so happy to see that "the flag was still there" that the stars appeared to shine or glow? I guess that must have been what he meant. Our country and flag are cool, but our national anthem is pretty weak. Compared to other countries, our national anthem doesn't spangle at all. (that was awkward, no?).

The last two are sports related.

4) Who the hell would Notre Dame hire if they fire Charlie Weis. I'm not saying he isn't fireable or defending his performance, but the Notre Dame job isn't as glamorous as it once was. Remember how difficult it was for ND to find Weis in the first place? They first offered the job to Urban Meyer, and everyone assumed he would accept it, only he turned it down to coach at Florida. That certainly appears to have been the right move. I am positive he doesn't regret that decision. Then Notre Dame hired that one no-name dude who lied on his resume, so he was canned. Then Notre Dame was in a PR nightmare and suddenly desperate for a head coach. Any head coach. Then Charlie Weis seeminly fell from the sky- a proven NFL offensive co-ordinator who was a Notre Dame grad and had a crew-cut to boot. Perfect. It looked like the perfect fit for both sides, and the rest would be (good) history.

So if the Notre Dame job was un-glamorous enough for them to have to scramble to find a head coach, did Weis's shitting of the bed do anything to add glamour to the position? You'd have to argue that he cheapened the product. Notre Dame is not in a power-conference (or any conference), doesn't have any obvious local, geographical talent pool (like Florida, Texas or California schools have) and has very high academic standards which eliminate dozens of talented athletes every year. In short, they want to be a program like Duke basketball, but lately they're program has looked more like an Ivy League program: quality men, that just happen suck at football.

While the Fire Weis talk has been warranted, what alternative do they really have?


5) I have had more than enough of ex-Dallas Cowboy football analysts/announcers. While watching the Cowboys game on Thanksgiving and realizing that Troy Aikman is less partial to the Cowboys than a porn star is to his own genitals, I'd had enough. That's not the entire problem though. Moose Johnson, Emmitt Smith, Deion Sanders and Michael Irvin are all the same- only they don't have much (or any) analystic or journalistic talent. I'm all for having ex-players in the booth and behind the desk for pre- and post- game shows, but we don't need four from the same team. Especially, from a team that was way over-exposed in the media while they were together.

Solution? Demote Aikman from Fox's A-team, fire Moose and Emmit because they blow, and let the not-half-bad Irvin keep his gig. No one cares about Deion since he's on the NFL Network which I think 11 people actually get.

You're Goddamn Right I Just Posted This

Ocho Cinco Takes the Lead!

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


The Epic Struggle between Pacman Jones, Terrell Owens, Plaxico Burress and Chad Ocho Cinco for Dumbest Ass in the league is heating up once again. Mere hours after Jones was re-instated into the NFL, Ocho Cinco seized upon this relative weakness of Jones' and took over the lead. Ocho Cinco was de-activited by the Benglas today for undisclosed reasons.

There is a new Sheriff Dumbass in town, Pacman! Your moves, T.O. and Pacman....

Comic Strips in Thursday's Chicago Sun-Times

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


I bought the Sun-Times today. Ordinarily I read my news online but decided to buy a copy today just for the heck of it, and I don't want any more newspapers to go under. As I was flipping the pages I came across the comics section. I don't think I've read a newspaper comic since Calvin and Hobbes stop running, so I decided to give them a whirl and see if they were any better than I remembered them being.

They weren't.

So my question is- who does read these? It seems to be that it's for Baby Boomers and older, that is certainly who is writing them. Most of the comics I read today seem to have a general ethos of "Kids these days, can you believe it?" or "What happened to the good old days?", which would be consistent with how most baby boomers generally tend to think. If the comic strips are not going after my demographic (Awesome Dudes in their 20's That are are Universally Adored), I understand that. But if they are trying to ensnare new readers, they're doing an awful job. I'll summarize a few comic strips for you.

Garfield: Jon thanked Liz for a great dinner. He then told Garfield that the way she ordered pizza was amazing. Garfield thought/suggested that Jon should marry her. Sadly, that was one of the better comics today.

Love Is: Showed more weird naked kids. This time on a see-saw. Had they been on just a regular saw, I maybe would have looked at it with some semblance of interest.

Pardon My Planet: I guess this is a newer one-panel comic with an environmental theme. In today's comic, a couple is at "Electric Car Sales" and the salesman has opened the hood of a car to reveal it's jam-packed with one huge extension cord, and is saying "And it comes with an extension cord option." Simply Hilarious.

One Big Happy: This strip is new to me as well. The crux of today's strip is that some old lady is on a couch with some chick and the old lady says "so tell me about yourself", to which the chick reaches into her purse and says "uh, hold on" and takes out her phone and has a conversation where she yells at her mother. After she hangs up she asks, "Now what were you saying?" and the old lady, after being turned off by what she overheard says "Nevermind". Didn't comics used to be funny? Like, they used to be a humorous escape from your daily monotony? Now they just remind you of that monotony? That's great marketing, guys. Maybe after that I'll go pay $12 to see a movie about the Iraq war.

Monty: This one is also new to me, and has a similar vibe to One Big Happy. The guy I'm guessing is Monty, is sitting at the table with his pet bird and a few envelopes. They eeny-meeny-miny-moe and select an envelope. The big payoff is when Monty says "ok, that's the bill I'll pay this month." Man, I got a real belly laugh from that one. I can't wait to put that one on my refrigerator. How some comedic mind came up with that joke, I have no idea. Probably drugs.

Pooch Cafe: I hadn't heard of this one either, but it was respectable. A dog and goldfish were having a conversation in which the goldfish corrected the dog and he said "I know I was kidding! Geez, this isn't an episode of Friends". I respect the effort. I was just thinking yesterday about how Friends really hasn't withstood the test of time, despite it's wild popularity in it's hey. I was trying to figure out why. My best conclusion was that it just wasn't very believable. What made the show appealing was 1) the attractive women, 2) the witty dialogue from the guys, 3) they're living situation was unusual, and how most single people would like to live- in a big city, with a group of friends that live close-by.
The problem is that none of those are believable. The women were believably attractive, but hot chicks don't date tools like those guys were. And, they were hot chicks without any hidden agenda, daddy-issues, drama, etc. Not realistic. And they were hot and single at like age 32. Not realistic. The dialogue was funny but VERY scripted. All of Chandler's one liners were set up in such a predictable way. All the funny scenarios that unfolded were completely far-fetched. Like that chick having the name Hornswaggle, to which Chandler, in his infinite wit said "was she a character from Fraggle Rock?" Sorta funny, but the joke wrote itself with that non-believable name. Thirdly, groups of friends just don't stay drama-free and live in such close proximity. And that concludes our talk about Friends.

Marmaduke, Dennis the Menace, Family Circus, Real Life Adventures, Beetle Bailey, Wizard of Id: Same as always.

Pearls Before Swine: I guess that's some new imitation of Dilbert, but with one awesome twist. His boss is literally a rat. Hilarious symbolism/irony. Today's strip sucked.

Edge City: Like all the others, this one was new to me, and I'll admit that I think it has potential. It was a goatee'd guy at a coffee shop with his laptop. So I think it's like Adventures of Annoying Coffee Shop Hipster. Today's strip could have been better, but this strip could be decent.

Deflocked: This one made me chuckle audibly. Good work, Deflocked! This comic was like the 4th or 5th I've seen with a human conversing (not "conversating", hip-hop community!) with animals. When did that all start? Not sure if that's a Garfield, Calvin and Hobbes or Family Guy influence or what, but it's not that original anymore. Anyway, despite the banal convention, this strip was still good. This young kid got home from school and the dog asked if he told that girl that he liked her. He tells the dog that he did, and was a big mistake. He said that he approached her and lifted up his shirt revealing his tempera painting he did of her as 'Lady of Shallot' on his belly. The dog replies "ummm..." and the kid says "She apparently hates Pre-Raphaelite art". In the final panel, the dog asks the kid (who is out of the panel) "are you crying?" and the kid says "Did you know Hello Kitty made pepper spray?". Not gut-busting, but great compared to the others today. In college I had a roommate who was an Art History. He told me that "Pre-Raphaelite" means "fat". Don't say I never taught you anything.

This Website is a Doozie

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


GarfieldMinusGarfield.net I added it to my "links" section in the margin on the right.

Here's a sample:


It's a little abstract, but I like it. "Do I need to drink my own urine? No, but it's sterile and I like the taste" -Patches O'Hoolihan

Life is Good.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

If you remember this guy, I assume you found him annoying. If you found him annoying, this will make you laugh until it hurts. Talk about savvy self-promotion from the "Why Didn't I Think of That?" department. Clever, cunning and sure to vault him right to the A-List.

In all honesty, I typed that last paragraph before actually watching the video. I just based it off of what TMZ.com's description of it was. I found that wildly amusing, but assumed the video wouldn't be any better. Well it was. Much better than I thought. Once Jesse finally pulls his pants up, Kid Rock came out like 4 seconds later. Upon hearing what he just missed, it almost sounded as though he wasn't disappointed that he missed out. I laughed so hard at that video that my eyes literally teared up.

Great Find by me

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Dear Reader,

As many of you know, two of my passions in life are, 1) Singing alternate lyrics to songs and, 2) Singing rap songs in a country twang. Today I had a breakthrough in the #2 department. Wait, that didn't come out right. Ok, neither did that. What I'm trying to say is, I thought of a funny rap song to sing in a country twang.

Funky Cold Medina by Tone Loc. Especially the line "It was a big ol' mess when Sheena undressed/Sheena was a man." Singing that in a hick accent has been the most pleasurable thing I've done all week. As always, you are welcome.


Your friend,


T.R.

The Least Surprising Couple Ever.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


I meant to post this a long time ago. I try to avoid celebrity gossip on this site, but sometimes I can't help myself. A year or so ago I read from various places that Alex Rodriguez loves him some muscular, dude-ish looking women. The woman pictured above is his ex-wife, that he met outside of their gym. That is also her pictured on the left.

Then before his divorce last year, and before the Madonna affair accusations A-Rod was photographed in Toronto with the large-bicepe'd shrinking violet pictured below.



So keep that in mind. Then last July Jose Canseco told US Weekly that in 1991 Madonna wanted to have a child with Canseco. In the interview Canseco repeatedly asserts that he viewed Madonna's interest in him purely because of his genetics.

Us: That was her intention to have a child with you?

JC: Yeah, I'm Cuban and she wanted a Cuban child.

Us: And she barely knew you at this point.

JC: She didn't.

Us: So she was interested in your genes.

JC: Yeah, I'm Cuban 6-foot-3, athletic, built.

then a bit later in the interview....

Us: Do you think that part of the attraction was that you were intimidated or that you were married?

JC: No, I think it was that I am Cuban and tall and a big athlete.

Us: So she was very interested in making a attractive, talented child?

JC: Yes.

Us: So you were never intimate, how long did this communication last?

JC: A few months. Three or four.

5 years after her Canseco fling, she had her daughter with her attractive, muscular Cuban personal trainer.

Fast-Forward to 2008 where the 6'3'', 225 lb. Puerto Rican Rodriguez is a newly-single, wealthy mega-star athlete, and Madonna looks like this.

Once Madonna became a dude, and ARod became more of any NYC celebrity than a baseball player, this relationship was destined to happen.