By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter
Remember my rant in July where I thought it was stupid for complete losers to say "God bless" instead of goodbye? My rationale being that if you are going to be ordering around God to bless people (whatever that means) at your discretion, you must be pretty damn important. So when someone from the shallow end of the gene pool orders God to bless you, I find it somewhere between hilariously ironic and tragically misguided.
Well, we have a concrete case of that in today's news. An 800-pound South Carolina man was too fat to get out of his recliner. As in he never got up once for a few months. He'd do his restroom business from the comfort of his recliner and his wife would dispose of it. He eventually died the other day from, an H.A..
How do the two tie in? "The former preacher would post sermons online from the chair, and it wasn't long before he decided he was ready to go home to the Lord." His wife went on to say, ""Everybody kept telling us, if you get here, we'll help you. We didn't have no way of getting him up, and nobody was willing to come help us. He just kind of said, 'it's in God's hands' at that point." "
It was in God's hands. It's not like there's anything a human can do about losing weight, especially one who doesn't have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. How bad does your life have to suck in order to heed the teachings of a preacher who is too fat to NOT poop in a recliner? If you're too fat to live, at least don't preach to people. Literally.
Update: He out-pathetic'd "shitting the bed". He shit the recliner. I'm gonna start saying that.
That's how I roll.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com
When people say, "God bless" instead of, "take care" or "see ya later".
Firstly, what the hell does "bless" even mean? As far as I'm able to discern it means about the same as, "fortune"- a life with many blessings will look an awful like a life with much good fortune. So when someone says, "God bless" they're basically saying, "I hope God grants you good luck". But if they're that theistic, and simply wish you "good luck" can't we assume that the wisher of good luck assumes all good luck comes from God? So isn't the "God" part redundant?
But that's not my major point of annoyance with that phrase. What I find irritating is that when they simply say, "God bless" and not, "May God bless you", or "I'll pray for God's blessings on your behalf" etc., it sounds an awful lot like they are commanding God. "God bless" sounds pretty similar to, "Kevin, go get me a beer" or, "Joe, stop doing that to the dog".
So if the wisher of blessing , 1) Is confident that they are SOOO tight with God himself (or herself) that they can just command him around, and, 2) is truly concerned with your well being, couldn't they just command God to grant you something a lot cooler and more specific than just lame-o, generic "blessing". If someone said "God bless" to me, I'd say, "Listen pal, if God does your bidding, and you're lookin out for me, how about you order the man upstairs to send me a sports car, ocean-front condos and huge pectoral muscles, thanks."
But the never order God for that stuff- and that's stuff I can use! What the hell?
But the fun doesn't stop there. I can understand if someone awesome is alleging to have a hotline to God. If a fabulously good looking, intelligent, successful, empathic Alpha-Male (or female) claimed to have God's Ear, I'd think about considering it. But when a 45-year old fat lady sips her Big Gulp through her zero teeth from her HoverRound says, "God Bless", I really have to question either her authority over God, or just who this "God" person is, and if I want anything to do with him/her, since he obviously really screwed up the HoverRound blesser.
If she says, "God bless" I'd think, "Sure lady, but pardon me for not offering to hold my breath until it happens." But, if she were to say, "May God make you grotesque and HoverRound-bound and smelly." I'd have to respect her ability to force God to make that happen- she has a proven track record. HoverRound tracks, that is. Hi-ooooo.