By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter
Note: I'm typing this while watching the episode, live-blog style. Pardon the typos, poor grammar and the like.
If you ever watched BBC America's, You Are What You Eat, you know what I'm talking about.
The hostess of the show falls right in line with the British stereotype of reality show hostess alongside Simon Cowell, the Supernanny and the Weakest Link "lady". While I have no reason to believe she's a fighter, she is a lover- a tough lover.
In the few episodes I've seen she looks at the project/contestant/subject's tongue and then is able to analyze a lot about their overall health based on its appearance. It's funnier than it sounds. Even more hilarious, and I swear this is true, she analyzes, personally, the stool samples of the subjects. Seriously. After analyzing their plop, she then uses its conclusions to berate the, um, sample providers, in front of their family. Seriously. She's not afraid to comment on its foul odor, either.
On the episode I'm currently watching, she has taken on two women, one of which is a former model. While talking about where their diets went horribly wrong, the host and narrator informed us about how "...she went from modeling to waddling".
This show has something for everyone: People interested in diet information, judgememtal people, those interested in two grown women talking about plop, pointing-and-laughing, watching rude hosts, etc. That's basically every type of person I can think of.
Then they lay out on a buffet table the entire food intake each person consumes during the average week- it's always staggering. One lady consumes 4,600 calories a day- a full 2,000 more than the RDA for women her age.
The host just referred to the pair of subjects as "lardy ladies"
Now on the show, is the time when the host makes her subjects eat a healthy meal for the first time, tailored to their dietary needs. The subjects find this first meal somewhere between repulsive and inedible 100% of the time. This time is no exception, they laugh off it's repulsiveness and both avoid eating the beans in their salad- much to the displeasure of the hostess who is watching from afar.
LOL. The teaser before commercial break the hostess says to the camera, "They aren't taking this seriously. When they get together, they don't take it seriously. My plan for tomorrow is to divide and conquer them.". Then we see the hostess has sat the former model on a regal-looking throne and has her wearing a sash and a tiara and then says, "Now look in the mirror." and the former model cries and says, "Why would you do this to me?"!!! Is this show awesome or what??
We're back. Our former model is a boozehound, apparently. LOL, "our former beauty queen has traded in her hourglass figure for a wine glass."
Now we see what the mirror crying was all about. The hostess had her sit in a makeup chair for a while for what the former-model thought was a regular makeup makeover session. Instead they painted liverspots on her and made her face up to look like that of an old, obese alcoholic. The hostess was appealing to her vanity- apparently with success in the form of the, "Why would you do this to me?". I think this tactic worked and the hostess has broken her spirit. And by "spirit" I mean "gleeful pursuit of obesity". Oh hell yes- they're playing REM's "Everybody Hurts" during her time of realization. This show has it all. Now she's washing the makeup off, enjoying her George Bailey-esque second chance.
Enough of the model, time to work on Sonia. Her vice? Ice cream. Sonia isn't taking things seriously enough for our hostesses liking.
So the way to do let her know she's serious? In a graveyard where a coffin is consctructed out of chocolate, and in it is the amount of ice cream she eats in a year, complete with cones and wrappers thrown in with it. The hostess explains she's killing herself with all that ice cream. Christine started sobbing and saying that she's afraid that she'll die early like her mother did- who died when she was only 12. Sonia is broken too.
Just made a poop reference that I will omit.
Now the hostess has turned the "lardy ladies" loose. Before they were living in a house with her, and subject to her rules. But now they're allowed to go back on their own, and incorporate what they learned and tried to get their families used to their new healthy lifestyle.
Sonia's (non-obese) sons are not interested in her newfangled "rabbit food", nor does her husband, or the huge mole on his neck.
Christine the model lives by herself and appears to be startlingly gung-ho about her lifestyle. We've just received word that Christine will face a lot of dietary temptation at work, with everyone eating all kinds of junk food around her.
This just in: Sonia is feeling stressed about the new lifestyle. So the hostess decides to visit. LOL, the hostess surprises her, and when Sonia sees her and goes to hug her, the hostess says, "Air kiss! I don't want to get near the cold sores!"- then we learn that Sonia has developed cold sores, likely as a result of stress.
Another surpriser: The hostess invited Sonia and herself over for an alcohol-free cocktail party (e.g. fruit smoothies drank out of cocktail glasses and getting all dressed up).
LOL another fat pun. The chicks start to karaoke and the hostess, while narrating, says, "Lookout Simon Cowell, this is the X-tra Large Factor" (Simon hosts a UK show called "X-Factor"). Then after the party when our prissy hostess is getting ready to hit the hay, she pulls out a camping, mummy-style sleeping bag to entomb herself in because she doesn't want to catch their "germs, or whatever else they've got floating around out here". Classy.
6 Weeks Later
Christine doesn't miss the booze, all the bread she once ate, and enjoys excercising.
Ohhh, on the "after" photo shoot she's looking sassy, going from size 20 to 14. And used to weigh 14 stone 12, whatever that means. Now she weighs 12 stone 12. Whatever that means.
Sonia also went from size 20 to 14 and lost 6 inches on her waist. She lost a stone and a half of weight, whatever that means.
The moral of the story: If you talk rudely about obese people behind their backs and analyze their plop, you'll be doing them a favor because it will make them lose weight.
I'm T.R. Slyder, and that's how you Tangueray.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter