The Chicago Cubs and the Allegory of the Nutshot

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Today's contest inspired me to write an allegorical play symbollically depicting this seasons's events thus far.

As the Director/Producer I would first like to apologize for the poor grammar during the opening credits. Secondly, please make sure all mobile phones are turned off or set to Silent, as the play will begin shortly. Thank you for coming to tonight's play.



CAST (in order of appearace):

The Cubs............The Eight Ball
Shane.............Everyone Else In The NL Central

Cubs Fan Emotion-o-Meter 9/20 Edition. 9 Games Remaining.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Cubs got humiliated, so I'm in no mood to be chatty about it. On the sunny side of the street, Milwonky lost. The magic number is now 1. That's remotely significant because it add to the Cubs climacticness (to quote Jamie Foxx's character Bunz, in Booty Call). Since the Cubs had a magic # of 2 on Friday, and played before Milwonky, had the Cubs won and Milwonky lost, the Cubs would have clinched the division while they were all at home. Clinching with a win is always preferred (it does wonders on the Emotion-o-Meter), or clinching due to an opponent's loss is still ok, as long as you're playing at homes and the crowd can all go nuts when the score is posted. So effectively, had the Cubs won yesterday, there wouldn't be a quasi-formal celebration of the divisional title, like there will be tomorrow if they clinch. Since both teams play at 2:55 CT tomorrow, a celebration should ensue.

Cubs Fan Emotion-o-Meter Word(s) of the Day: Let's get it over with. Ready celebrate.

Cubs Fan Emotion-o-Meter Fan Emotion Monkeyfied: Get ready for the division clincing celebration people ....Get in your places people..... PLACES..... Ready, Set.... annnnnd Action!

Cubs Fan Emotion-o-Meter: 9/19 Edition. 10 Games Left.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



Huge comeback win today by the Cubs. They scored 4 in the bottom of the 9th, capped by Geovanny Soto's 3-run HR with two outs. Derek Lee won it with a single in the 12th that scored pinch-runner Jason Marquis. Great come from behind win, to cut the Magic Number in half- from 4 to 2. This means that even if Milwonky wins every one of their remaining games, the Cubs will have to win just 2 of their last 10 to win the division. Sounds like a good deal to me.

Cubs Fan Emotion-o-Meter Word(s) of the Day: Parking Lot Pimpin. still.

Cubs Fan Emotion-o-Meter Fan Emotion Monkeyified: Got to applaud today's performance.

Cubs Fan Emotion-o-Meter: 9/18 Edition. 11 Games Left.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Game 1 went like this:
Game 2 left me like this:

Magic Number remains at 4 and I like the Cubs' chances tomorrow with Harden pitching.

Cubs Fan Emotion-o-Meter Word(s) of the Day: still "Parking Lot Pimpin", no need for alarm after the loss.

Cubs Fan Emotion-o-Meter Fan Emotion Monkeyified: Stay strong, my brethren.

Cubs Emotion-o-Meter: 9/17 Edition. 12 Games Left.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Cubs won a doozie last night, and the magic number is down to 4. If they sweep Milwonky in this series, they win the division.

Cubs Fan Emotion-o-Meter Word(s) of the Day: Parking Lot Pimpin'. Apparently, if you want to be a rapper and represent the dirty south, you have to make reference to parking lots in order to maintain your credibility. Why should I be any exception?

Cubs Fan Emotion-o-Meter Monkeyification Picture: Smokin' and jokin', baby.



Today's edition of the CEOM will break tradition and not end with the monkeyification picture. It will end in pontificating. Ron Santo has been placed on the ballot for induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame by the veterans committee. It's time to get him elected into the Hall of Fame. It's a joke that he is not in the Hall already. Since this is (I am purely speculating here) read primarly by Hall of Fame Veterans Committee members, allow me to state Ron Santo's case.

1. Bill James thinks he should be in.

2) All of what Kerry Wood said here. It is exerpted below.

Cubs Closer Kerry Wood on … Ron Santo
"The Hall of Fame vote and Ron Santo are talked about a lot in our clubhouse. He's been denied 18 times, and after each vote we'll look at his stats and ask, 'Are these Hall of Fame numbers?' You'll get a yes from 95% of the guys. When you start digging into the numbers, I don't think there's any doubt. How can you not vote for a guy who was a nine-time All-Star, earned five Gold Gloves, had four top-10 MVP finishes, three top-10 home run finishes and four .300-plus seasons, and led the National League in walks four times? And if you look at all the third basemen who played between 1950 and 1975, Ron ranks second in HRs, third in hits, RBIs and games played, fourth in slugging, and seventh in on-base percentage. And he did it despite having diabetes. For him to play in the big leagues at that level is amazing.

"For some reason, third basemen get jobbed in the voting. There are only 13 of them—three Negro Leagues stars and 10 major leaguers. Nothing personal, but if George Kell is in [see chart], then Ronny should be too. Ronny crushed him in HRs, RBIs, hits and runs, and he did it with a respectable .277 career batting average, which is almost 25 points higher than the NL average during his career. I'm not saying Brooks Robinson doesn't belong in the Hall, but Ronny played eight fewer seasons and finished with 74 more HRs, a higher batting average and on-base percentage, and nearly the same RBI total. I know, Ronny never played in the postseason. Neither did Kell or Ronny's Hall of Fame teammates Ernie Banks and Ferguson Jenkins. Neither did Billy Williams when he was with the Cubs.

"I keep it simple: Look at the third basemen who are in, then look at Ronny's numbers. I'm amazed he isn't in yet. His next chance is in 2009. When it happens, and if the schedule lets us, I'm going to be there for the ceremony. He's the epitome of Chicago baseball. He's still part of this team. He lives and dies with it. In fact, I think we've put him in the hospital a few times. He should get in just for that."

CUBS CURSE Santo stacks up with his third-basemen peers in Cooperstown.
	AVG	HRs	RBIs	ALL-STARS	GOLD GLOVES
Ron Santo (1960-74)	.277	342	1,331	9	5
Eddie Mathews (1952-68)	.271	512	1,453	12	0
Brooks Robinson (1955-77)	.267	268	1,357	18	16
Wade Boggs (1982-99)	.328	118	1,014	12	2
Mike Schmidt (1972-89)	.267	548	1,595	12	10
George Kell (1943-57)	.306	78	870	10	0

3) This ESPN article, also exerpted below, furthers the Santo debate.

Santo is unique in baseball history, a third baseman who hit like a left fielder while playing excellent defense at the hot corner.

Part of the reason Santo has been left out of the Hall of Fame is that the BBWAA has never quite figured out what to do with third basemen. They are historically underrepresented, and the change in the position over time has made it difficult to establish standards for what makes a Hall of Fame third baseman. Santo also lacked one signature skill on which to hang his case; he doesn't have 400 home runs or 3,000 hits or one major point his supporters could use to beat his candidacy home.

Actually, the biases Santo fights are more basic that that. Large parts of his value are hidden in areas that the BBWAA hasn't done a good job of recognizing: defense and walks. Santo was the NL's Gold Glove winner at third base from 1964 through 1968, and led the league in bases on balls in four of those five years. He was among the league leaders in OBP and slugging throughout the 1960s, finishing in the top 10 in both categories in every season from 1964 through 1967.

He was a reasonable MVP candidate throughout this time, with his chances being hurt every year by the lousy Cubs team around him. You simply couldn't win an NL MVP on a bad team in the 1960s; every NL MVP winner in that decade played for a team that won at least 90 games. The Cubs won 90 games just once, in 1969, a season that for some reason isn't remembered on the North Side as their best performance of the decade. Because Santo never appeared in the postseason and rarely was a factor in a pennant race, he didn't have the visibility of other players. This hurt him, probably unfairly, with the voters.

Santo never had a monster season, in part because his era wouldn't allow for them. Yes, he played in Wrigley Field, which helped his numbers, but the game-wide dampening of offense kept him from having the signature years, the 40-homer, 120-RBI campaigns that Hall of Fame voters love to see on a resumé. He was never the best player in the league -- there was this guy named Mays who made that impossible -- but you can make a case for him as the second-best player in the NL during his peak.

So Santo was one of the top few players in his league for about six years, the second-best third baseman in the game's history upon his retirement, and put up numbers at a defensive position that would have made him a borderline Hall of Fame candidate at an offensive one. That is a Hall of Famer.

The omission of Ron Santo is the most egregious mistake ever made by the Baseball Writers Association of America. They should have inducted Santo 20 years ago, and that they overlooked him throughout his 15 years on the ballot is a shame. I sincerely hope that the new Veterans Committee rights the error quickly. It will be a boon to their credibility and a honor for a man too long left outside the hallowed halls of Cooperstown.

**************************************************************************

Do the right thing, Veterans Committee.

Cubs Emotion-o-Meter- 9/16 Edition- 13 Games Left

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Cubs won again today, while Milwonky was idle. Well, idle in the sense that they didn't play a game today. But they were not idle from the standpoint of personnel moves because they fired their manager today! With two weeks left in the season, and tied for the Wild-Card lead, they canned Ned Yost. Ted Lilly nearly followed Zamrbano's no-hitter with one of his own. He took a no hitter into the 7th inning before giving up a base hit it would be Houston's only hit of the series. There was lots to like about today's win: the Cubs played with determination after an emotional game last night, and the power-slumping Geovany Soto and Derek Lee both hit home runs, and the defense was outstanding. Things are looking good.

So with 13 games left to go the Cubs Magic Number is down to 6. They start a three game series with Milwonky tomorrow, and if the Cubs sweep the series, they'll have clinched the National League Central. Things are looking good for the Cubs.


Cubs Emotion-o-Meter Word(s) of the Day: Calm.

Cubs Emotion-o-Meter Fan Emotion Picture Monkeyified: Just cruisin', man. Just cruisin'.

Cubs Emotion-o-Meter: ZAMBRANO NO HITTER:9 /14 Edition; 15 games left

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Great day at the office for Cubs fans. As I type now, Zambrano has a no hitter going through 8 innings and Milwonky lost TWICE today! As of this second the Magic Number is 8, and in about 20 minutes it will be officially down to 7 (the Cubs are leading 5-0). Oh, and did I mention, just to salt the Milwonky wounds after losing twice today, Zambrano is doing this IN Milwaukee?? Hurricane Ike postponed the Cubs versus Astros games in Houston, so they're playing tonight and tomorrow at a neutral ballpark- Milwaukee.

I'm going live-blog style for the last half-inning.

9:19pm: Trying not to jinx this.

9:19: Oh, and a friend texted me today to let me know that she had tickets to the game and asked if I wanted to go.

9:20: One pitch, one out. Groundball to The Riot. This is kinda awesome

9:21: pinch hitter Jose Castillo. he grounds out to Theriot as well. two outs.

9:22: Darren Erstad is the potential final out.

9:23: 2-2 pitch and Zambrano bounced a fastball. HE DID ITTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!! CARLOS ZAMBRANO DID IT!!!!!!!!! NO HITTER!!!!!!!! FIRST ONE SINCE 1972 FOR THE CUBBBSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy Moly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HOPE RON SANTO DOESN'T HAVE AN H.A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAGIC NUMBER DOWN TO 7!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9:26: deep breath. That. was. awesome. First no hitter since Milt Papas in 1972 for the Cubs. So far Santo hasn't had an H.A., thank baby Jesus and Allah.


Cubs-Emotion-o-Meter Word(s) of the Day: "I'll be Goddamned!!!!"


Cubs Emotion-o-Meter Fan Monkeyified: I'm so happy I could do this.

Cubs Emotion-o-Meter: 9/13 Edition. 16 Games Left To Go

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


The Cubs remained idle today but Milwonky got humiliated by Philadelphia. That increases our lead to 6 games, with 16 games remaining in the regular season. That brings the Magic Number for winning the division down to 10!

Cubs Emotion-o-Meter Word(s) of the Day: "Kinda Awesome". Between our 16 remaining games, and Milwonky's 14- we need a total of only 10 of them to go our way (either Cubs win or Milwonky loss). That's a third. The Cubs' winning percentage is .603, and Milwonky's losing percentage is .439, our odds of winning the division are Kinda Awesome

Cubs Emotion-0-Meter Cub Fan Mood Monkeyfied: --->




Also, I was able to have one of my German operatives do me a favor. His cousin is a big Brewers fan and watches all of their games on MLB.com. The footage of him watching today's loss against the Phillies sheds a lot of light on the current mood of Brewers fans. They aren't nearly as carefree as our monkey is, that's for sure. See for yourself below.



See Also:

Emotion-o-Meter: Zambrano No Hitter Edition!!

Cubs Emotion-o-Meter- 9/12 Edition: 16 Games Left To Go

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

It's the bottom of the 9th and the Cubbies are gonna try to hold on to their 3-2 lead. I'll just live blog the rest of the game since I'm impatient.

10:12pm: Pinch Hitter Brendan Ryan steps into the batter's box. Luckily, I have never heard of him.

10:13: Glad I didn't say "he probably sucks" like I was thinking about saying. He just doubled to rightfield. He short-hopped the wall on breaking ball that didn't break.

10:14: HOLY BUTTHOLE PENIS FARTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Brendan Ryan DOES suck!!!!! The next guy for St. Louis bunted poorly to Derek Lee, who threw to third and narrowly missed Ryan. Ryan was safe. Then he OVERSLID the bag, and Aramis Ramirez tagged him out!!!!!!! That was awesome. Woweee. Wa wa we wa.

10:15: The next dude dunks a singles into left. Not an awesome sign. Guys on first and second one out. Cubs announcer Ron Santo's liklihood of having an H.A. during this game? Up to about 85%. On a good night it hovers around 60%. This is getting tight.

10:17: Praise baby Jesus. Wood struck out Aaron Miles.

10:18: Pujols is now at bat. Why does this always happen?

10:19: it's 2-0 on him. I hope they walk him. Ron Santo does too.

10:19: Looks like an unintentional intentional walk. All praise be to Allah.

10:20: Scratch that. it's 2-2. Oh boy. This could get non-awesome in a hurry.

10:20pm: Pujols popped out! Game over! We win! We're the best and they're the worst! Roll Steve Goodman's "Go Cubs Go!"

Ok, back to my business. Cubs won. Milkwonky lost (ha ha). The Magic number to win the division is now a Spinal Tapian "all the way up to 11". Or "down" to 11, actually. The Cubs' lead is 5.5 games with only 16 left to play. Luckily, Ron Santo, did not have an H.A.. Wow, that game was a doozey.

Due to Hurrican Ike, the Cubs regularly scheduled games for Friday and Saturday have been postponed, so the next Official Cubs Emotion-o-Meter posting is not scheduled until Sunday, but there could be a few unofficial postings if Milwonky happens to lose tomorrow or Saturday. We'll see. But before that happens, I need to commence with the goods.

The Cubs Emotion-o-Meter Word(s) of the Day: "Vigilant Optimism" still. Ordinarily a lead of 5.5 games with 16 play is a lot, but when you play that team 6 times, it's not quite as big. AND I used up all of my "being an arrogant, a-hole sports fan" points on the Patriots before the Super Bowl.

The Cubs Emotion-o-Meter Monkey Picture of the Day: Since I'm still exuberant after the win, and I downloaded some new monkey pics last night, I'm showing off. The Emotion of the Cubs fan monkeyified (i.e. personified by a monkey) is captioned "Take that, Milwonky"




Cubs Emotion-o-Meter 9/13 Edition

Zambrano No Hitter Edition!!!

Cubs Emotion-o-Meter, 9/11 Edition: 17 Games Left To Go

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Both Milwonky and the Cubs both won last night. The lead is still 4.5 with 17 to play, 6 of those 17 games are against Milwonky, so there's no point in making any assumptions just yet. Our Magic Number to win the division is 13, and the Magic Number for making the playoffs is down to 9.

Cubs Emotion-o-Meter Word(s) of the Day is still: Vigilant Optimism/Wait and See. Not much to do but sit and watch.

Cubs Emotion-o-Meter Picture: We're watching you, Milwonky!!!

Update: I just realized that Tuesday was the 39th Anniversary of the black cat running around Ron Santo in the on deck circle at Shea Stadium in 1969. That was done in like the 6th or 7th inning. What kind of fan smuggles a cat into a baseball stadium and keeps it hidden in a bag, or in the pants for 6 freaking innings? New Yorkers, that's who. But to his credit, much like fellow New Yorker Alphonse Capone, he's a nutty New Yorker that made Chicago history.

Cubs Emotion-o-Meter 9.10.08

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


9.10.08-

Cubs lost. But so did Milwonky. Same old 4.5 games. I'm ok with that. Now it's 18 games to play. Sorry to disappoint, but the Emotion-o-Meter will not be changing as a result. So here it goes again.

Cubs Emotion-o-Meter word(s) of the day: Vigilant Optimism. No reason for panic, or all-out "concern", but something to watch.

Cubs Emotion-o-Meter Picture that sums up how knowledgeable Cubs fans ought to be feeling right now:


One cool cucumber customer.

(in the interest of full disclosure I misspelled "knowledgeable" before I spell-checked. I may not be a knowledgeable fan, myself. But I am "knowledgable", at least.)

Cubs Fan Emotion-o-Meter

(please note in that picture that Harry has one cup inside the other. That was not beer #1 on the day for our friend Harry)

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I'm gonna start doing this everyday now. The Cubs (with a record of 86-57) have a 4.5 game lead over the Milwonky Brewers (82-62) in the NL Central with 19 games left to play. Lately the Cubs have struggled a little bit which would be a bigger deal, but had Milwonky has also struggled recently. Tonight the Cubs play the always dangerous St. Louis Cardinals (77-66), Milwonky has a much easier opponent in the Cincinnati Reds (65-79).

Cubs Emotion-o-Meter word(s) of the day: Vigilant Optimism. No reason for panic, or all-out "concern", but something to watch.

Cubs Emotion-o-Meter Picture that sums up how knowledgeable Cubs fans ought to be feeling right now:


One cool cucumber customer.

(in the interest of full disclosure I misspelled "knowledgeable" before I spell-checked. I may not be a knowledgeable fan, myself. But I am "knowledgable", at least.)

Alec Baldwin's Voicemail to the Chicago Cubs

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


As many of you know, I recently had a creative collaboration with Alec Baldwin. Our agreement was that I would be the creative talent, and he would do basically everything else- production, distribution, etc. He also had the final directorial say.

My idea was to have Alec play me in the vignette, and call Cubs manager Lou Piniella to yell at him for the Cubs' recent poor performance. But in an attempt to avoid this tongue-lashing, Lou would then avoid my call, which would lead to "me" (i.e. Alec) leaving a vitriolic tirade of a voice mail about how their crappy play was starting to really piss me off.

I thought that idea was pretty good, but Alec had other ideas. Being a guy with a flair for the dramatic, he wanted to make this more of an allegorical saga; he wanted it to be about a father disappointed with his daughter. My disappointment with the Cubs would be symbolized by the father's disappointment with the daughter. I felt that was a little over the top, but he insisted that this allegory would ultimately make for a more heartfelt catharsis.

As you can see, we came to an impasse. And being that he had all the leverage, he got his way.
So in the embedded window below is the audio of Alec's finalized vision. Below that window is my original transcript and you may follow along as you listen and observe the alterations that Alec made to the text.






-At T.R.'s Apartment. It's messy with Cubs magazines scattered across the floor, and empty Old Style cans. The Cubs game is on the TV in the background. It's apparent T.R. has been crying.-


Alec: (Stern, Aggressive, Forthright, Fed up) "Hey I wanna tell you something, ok? And I want to leave a message for you right now. 'Cause again, it's 10:30 here in Chicago on a Friday, and once again I've made an ass of myself staying in on a Friday to watch your game at a specific time. When the time comes for me to watch the game, I stop whatever I'm doing and I go and watch that game at 11 o'clock in the morning in Chicago time, and if you don't pick up the phone at 10 o'clock at night. And you don't even have the goddamn phone turned on. I want you to know something, OK?

I'm tired of playing this game with you. I'm leaving this message with you to tell you, you have insulted me for the last time. You have insulted me. You don't have the brains or the decency as a human being. I don't give a damn that you're 64 years old, or 65 years old, or that you've won a World Series with the Reds, or that your mother is a thoughtless pain in the ass who doesn't care about teaching you when to pull a tiring pitcher, as far as I'm concerned. You have humiliated me for the last time with this ball team.

And when I come out there next week, I'm going to walk up to Wrigley for the day just to straighten you out on this issue. I'm going to let you know just how disappointed in you I am and how angry I am with you that you've done this to me again. You've made me feel like shit and you've made me feel like a fool over and over and over again. And this crap you pull on me with this goddamn Soriano leadoff situation that you would never dream of doing to your fans when you were with Tampa Bay, or Seattle or Cincinnati, and you do it to me constantly and over and over again. I am going to get on Clark St. and I am going to come out there for the day and I am going to straighten your ass out when I see you.

Do you understand me? I'm going to really make sure you get it. Then I'm going to get on Clark St. and I'm going to turn around and come home. So you'd better be ready Friday the 20th to meet with me. So I'm going to let you know just how I feel about what a rude little pig you really are. You are a rude, thoughtless little pig, OK?"

[fade to black]

[End]

Cheering For Laundry with Socrates

By: T.R. Slyder (TRSlyder@yahoo.com)

Cheering for any professional sports team is an odd phenomenon. The appreciation for the sport isn't weird, but loyalty for one team is a bit weird. It becomes difficult to pin down what it is specifically you are cheering for.

Take my favorite team for instance. The Chicago Cubs. If I were asked what I like about them I might say "Everything, really. I like the players, their manager, Wrigley Field, Wrigleyville, their history, Ron Santo, their home uniforms are classic, I even like the name Cubs." But if you wanted to use the Socratic Method to get to the precise epicenter of what this Berkeleyian "Cubness" is that I am so fond of, I think that would be pretty difficult. A Socratic Dialogue would go something like this:

Socrates: So you mentioned that you like the Cubs players.

T.R.: Yes, I did.

Socrates: And you profess to hate the Cardinals of St. Louis, I hear.

T.R.: Yes, very much so, Socrates.

Socrates: What if the Cubs and Cardinals enacted a trade where the Cubs sent every single one of their players to the Cardinals in exchange for every single one of the Cardinals players. A team-for-team trade as it were, mangers and coaches as well. Surely your allegiance would shift and you would be a Cardinals fan then, right?

T.R.: No way. I would still be a Cubs fan, and all the guys that used to be Cardinals are now Cubs. So I would cheer for them, as difficult as that may be at first. Plus as I mentioned, I like more about the Cubs than just the players. Some people refer to this concept as "cheering for laundry", since I'm basically going to support anyone that wears the Cub uniform.

Socrates.: I see. Yes, you also mentioned your love of their venue and neighborhood. Imagine then, if shortly after the Cubs and Cardinals team-for-team trade commenced the Cubs owner announced some more news. Suppose they were to say that the Cubs are closing Wrigley Field because it was found to be in violation of a public safety code, due to its engineering unsoundness. The governmental powers-that-be were forced to close Wrigley Field and the team announced that as a result of Wrigley's irreparable unsoundness it would be moving to the suburb of Schaumburg . They would still be the Chicago Cubs, but would no longer play their home games in Wrigley Field, or in the area known as Wrigleyville. Would they cease to be your favorite team then?

T.R.: Wow, I don't even want to think about that. But yes they would still be my favorite team.

Socrates: Oh wow, I thought that might make you abandon them. Suppose then that the Cubs owner then said, "To celebrate our new beginning in Schaumburg we are going to change our home uniforms to hot pink, and our road uniforms will be plaid". Surely, this departure would be too much for you and you'd find a new favorite team.

T.R.: You are a sick man, Socrates. A sick, SICK, man. You are wrong on many levels- and one of things you're wrong about is me abandoning them. I'd root for pink or plaid Chicago Cubs. I really can't fathom them changing uniforms like that, but for the sake of the argument, I will concede that I would still support them.

Socrates: I will concede in kind that it is unlikely. But maybe Macy's will buy the Cubs. After taking over Marhsall Field's, they set their sites on an even larger Chicago jewel- the Cubs. In the effort of promoting their wares, they instituted the plaid to focus on the team's fashionable ownership. When this decision generated so much poor publicity, they announced the pink uniforms in an effort to heighten awareness for breast cancer and 15% of the sales from replica pink jerseys would be going to Breast Cancer research. Would you publicly object to the Cubs being the most visible opponent of Breast Cancer? The Chicago Cubs could go down in history as the team that defeated Breast Cancer.

T.R.: Wow, that's some moral hardball you're playing.

Socrates: Moral what?

T.R.: It's a baseball analogy. Anyway, if all of that happened I would still favor the Cubs, and be proud of them being at the vanguard of cancer research. Heck, I might even accuse my friend's favorite teams of being less moral than the Cubbies or even pro-cancer!

Socrates: Interesting indeed. So let's recap here- we know that you love the Cubs. There is no doubt about that. But what you do love about them isn't their players, manager, venue, or uniforms.

T.R.: Yeah, I guess I did say all of that.

Socrates: And you like the name- the Cubs?

T.R.: Yeah, it's unique. They're the only team I know of that's nickname is a dimunitive. They aren't The Bears, they're the baby bears, the Cubs. You don't see teams nicknamed puppies or kittens, or tadpoles, or ducklings. Plus a cub is tangible, it's a literal thing, unlike the Red Sox- "sox" isn't even a word. Or the Padres or Yankees, or the Miami Heat. A nickname ought to have a tangible instantiation.

Socrates: Glad to see such a young, handsome man like yourself has given it some thought. Now indulge me this silly idea. Suppose a small business owner came forward with his powerful attorney and said that his great-great grandfather was a candy maker.

T.R.: Um, ok.

Socrates: His grandfater made several very popular varieties of candy in the late 1890's, his best selling candy was the predecesser to what we now call Gummi Bears. He called them "Chicago Cubs", but more importantly- he had the legal naming rights to that name. This man's great-great Grandson and his attorney are now demanding that the Chicago Cubs baseball team change their name, as they are planning to reintroduce their line of candy in 2009.

T.R.: You're really reaching here...

Socrates: Easy now, my strapping young lad... Did this not happen to the WWE? You recall it was once the WWF- World Wrestling Federation, until it was sued by the Word Wildlife Fund. Even though it was a billion-dollar titan of the entertainment industry, the (now) WWE had to change. Surely you must concede it is at least possible that this could happen to the Cubs.

T.R.: I guess it is possible, yes.

Socrates: So if they changed their names to the Chicago Women, wore pink uniforms, played in Schaumburg, and fielded a team full of men that just yesterday played for the St. Louis Cardinals, they would still be your favorite team?

T.R.: Are you trying to make me vomit?? *Sigh* Yeah, I guess so.

Socrates: I see. This is truly a bizarre loyalty you posses, Mr. Slyder. Now you also expressed a fondness for their history- citing Ron Santo.

T.R.: Yes.

Socrates: And you feel that Ron Santo embodies "Cubness", whatever that is?

T.R.: Absolutely. Unquestionably. He's the Alpha Cub.

Socrates: And Ron Santo, at least on occasion, is willing to drink alcoholic beverages- is he not?

T.R.: Not to a problematic extent or anything, but I have heard that he does drink, yes.

Socrates: Very well. Suppose then, my ruggedly handsome young friend, that you and Mr. Santo were drinking together in Wrigleyville during the offseason. Being a beloved Cub great, people kept sending drinks over to your table. You and Ron were having a great time, and gladly accepted all these drinks and graciously drank them down as to not offend Ron's admirers. The two of you are telling funny stories about yourselves and even admitting a few things you probably never would have if you were not drinking. After a few hours of this you found yourselves to be very drunk. Like bleary eyed, stammering, bad breath, closing-one-eye-to focus-drunk, what's the word for it when you're that drunk?
T.R.: Stinko.

Socrates: Yes! Thank you. You and Ron were stinko. Then, for the sake of our story, Ron announces that he needs to make a visit to the restroom. After he excuses himself, you realize that you need to make a stop as well. When you walk in, about 20 seconds after Ron, you see he is the only one using the restroom and he's standing in front of a urinal. He's so drunk that as he is using the urinal has his pants around his ankles, but still wearing his underwear. But these aren't just whitey tighties. They are St. Louis Cardinals underwear. And appear to be a large size version of women's underwear. Your Cub hero is wearing St. Louis Cardinals women's underwear. (NOTE TO READER: I was going to use my Cub hero's name in that sentence. But I didn't want a Google search of his name + "wearing St. Louis Cardinals Women's Underwear" to produce any hits). You express your shock, horror and disdain for his choice of attire, and he turns his head and casually says "Oh, these? Yeah. I wear them all the time. The pink one is in the wash. I have actually loved the Cardinals all these years and sercretly hate the Cubs with a passion so intense...."

T.R.: EW! NO. No. No. No. That's the dumbest crap I have EVER heard. I've never even accidentally THOUGHT anything so stupid, much less heard anything so stupid. That is not possible and you know that.

Socrates: Ha ha, yeah I know. I'm surprised you let me get that far. I kept waiting for you to cut me off, I actually didn't know what I was going to say next if you hadn't cut me off just then. Man, you should have see your young handsome face when I said "women's underwear".

T.R.: God, you're sick.

Socrates: Anyway. So I suppose Santo is inextricably linked with the Cubs. Even I cannot deny that. But let me ask you this- Suppose the Cubs were purchased by Art Modell, or the guy that owns the Oklahoma City SuperSonics or whatever they will later be called. They then decide to move the team out the Chicago suburbs to Las Vegas in an effort to maximize profits. They then became the Las Vegas Women. Would you still like the C....

T.R.: No. Moving out of the city would be too much. They wouldn't be the same team then.

Socrates: So that is the rub then. You like them because they are Chicago's team.

T.R.: I guess so. But we also have the White Sox. I'm not sure if the White Sox would be my team if the Cubs left town.

Socrates: What if the White Sox decided to legally become the Chicago Cubs, and completely did away with themselves as the White Sox?

T.R.: Would they play in Wrigley?

Socrates: Nope, it's still shut down due to health codes. They're still at US Cellular Field. They would just be the Cubs now, and even have their back-to-back championship trophies from 1907 and 1908. Oh, and they would be in the American League Central. But, they would be the Chicago Cubs.

T.R.: *sigh* You drive a hard bargain, but yes.

Socrates: Ah. So it seems that you have told me that the players do not affect your team loyalty, nor does the coach. The venue, uniforms and team name are also immaterial.

T.R.: Yeah, I guess I did say all of those things.

Socrates: So we now know what is not essential to a fan's loyalty. And what is completely vital appears to be only that they are the team that is the current representative for the team that used to be the Chicago Cubs and they must still play in Chicago (or a suburb), regardless of- their name, their colors, their members, or where their stadium is, but if they have the legal rights to Cubs history, you're ok with them.

T.R.: Odd, but yeah. I guess I don't disagree with that.

Socrates: In other words, all that matters is, 1) They represent the Cubs in some fashion which represents the original Chicago Cubs, and 2) They are in Chicago, and 2B) aren't the Chicago White Sox.

T.R.: Again...yeah, I mean...I never would have thought about things this in-depth, but you are correct again.

Socrates: Ok. So we agree what is important to you is that the Cubs history is somehow maintained, and that the team that maintains their history plays in Chicago?

T.R.: Well, yeah, I guess that's all I really need.

Socrates: So history and Chicago-ness comprise "Cubness" then?

T.R.: I'd agree with that.

Socrates: I never understood sports at all, much less fan loyalty. It is a truly irrational passion you have, my boy, but I am glad we have settled this today. 

A Real Cubs Fan's Playoff Prediction.....

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


(There will be no article under this headline. I said I was a REAL Cubs fan; I'm not trying to jinx anything here.)

(The Cubs could win the World Series in the same year that the United States elects a black president. I bet Vegas would have given you some sweet odds on that at the beginning of the year. Any year.)