By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com
Let your turtle-loving flag fly, brah.
It seems like kids are more likely to define themselves by what they like, whereas adults tend to define themselves with what they dislike. I think the kids' way is better.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
I Like Turtles too
New Slang Proposal
By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com
Homosexual experimentation should be called "Going Oppo". My justification follows.
It's a hybrid of two pop culture references.
1) Miss California referring to gay-marriage as "opposite marriage", where "opposite" ostensibly supplants "gay"
and
2) When someone hits an opposite-field homerun, they call it "going oppo" on Baseball Tonight. It's notable because of its difficulty. For a lefty to hit a homer to right field (or "oppo"site field), it requires a lot more strength than him hitting one to left, and vice versa. So when someone "goes oppo" they make a big deal about it on that show.
So if you combine "opposite marriage" with "going oppo" it theoretically means, "going gay". I guess I accidentally thought of it, so I figured I'd mention it.
Friday, April 24, 2009
That Ha-Rondo Dude
By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com
As a Bulls fan I'm sick of seeing Rajon Rondo playing phenomenally and single-handedly humiliating the Bulls. Being that he's not one of Boston's "Big Three" I don't think of him as Rajon Rondo, I just think of him as "That Rondo Dude", which of course brings me to Beavis and Butthead.
The above clip is of the episode titled Vidiots, one of my favorite episodes. Since the clip doesn't contain them watching music videos or commercials, it can be seen in its entirety in about five minutes. If you watch the video, and you should, it's really funny, you'll see the connection to "that Rondo dude" at the 4:32 mark. Sadly, I think of that clip every time I hear Rondo's name, which, in the last week, has been very, very often.
I'm sick of getting blown out by that Harondo dude.
But I guess it will all even out in the end. The rear end.
Yeah Yeah from The Sandlot got his Chris Brown on
By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com
I guess the headline pretty much sums it up. Yeah yeah, that dude's pretty crappy. Here's the dirt.
Delonte West on Jim Rome is Burning
By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com
This is funny/horrendous.
When he pleads ignorance, people believe him.
R. Blagoj. Still the Man
By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com
He was doing a promo for I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here the other day, despite not being allowed to travel to the shooting of the show. He was also caught by a bystander checking out some chick's boobies. He's probably my favorite governor removed from office ever.
Update:
Quality Road has ANOTHER Quarter Crack in different Hoof
By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com
I couldn't find my picture of Quality Road, so I'm putting this one up instead.
First Rod Blagojevich won't be on reality tv, now Quality Road, my boy, may miss the Kentucky Derby. Here is my plagarism relating to Quality Road. I took it from here. You can also read about it here.
Another quarter crack for Quality Road
By David GreningELMONT, N.Y. - After getting over a quarter crack on his right hind foot, Quality Road has developed a quarter crack on his right front foot that puts his status for the May 2 Kentucky Derby in doubt.
Trainer Jimmy Jerkens canceled Saturday's scheduled workout at Belmont Park and said Friday morning that if the horse could not breeze by Monday "then it looks like we won't be able to go."
Based on victories in the Fountain of Youth and Florida Derby, Quality Road figured to be one of the Derby favorites.
Jerkens said he noticed the quarter crack Thursday morning as Quality Road was about to be get new shoes following his morning training session.
"We always pull him in the middle there to dry his legs off, look everything over and there it was," Jerkens said. "It didn t have any blood or anything but it was there. We pulled him into shoe him; it wasn t something you could see too easy unless you got real to close to it."
Quality Road had his wrapped in animalintex, which contains a mild antiseptic plus natural poultice agent designed to draw any heat or infection from the area. Jerkens said he did not think there was any infection. On Friday, Quality Road remained in the barn.
Ian McKinlay, the noted hoof equine specialist, saw the crack Thursday and was scheduled to examine Quality Road Friday afternoon, Jerkens said.
"If he's able to lace it today, he could gallop tomorrow and if he comes back without any problems then he can patch it right away," Jerkens said. "He ll have to determine if it'll need another day of drying out or not."
Jerkens said he would like to be able to gallop Quality Road on Saturday and work him on Sunday. "More realistically, I'm thinking it would be gallop him Sunday and work Monday."
Quality Road is scheduled to leave for Kentucky on Tuesday.
Quality Road suffered a quarter crack on his right hind foot while winning the Florida Derby on March 28. The original patch that was put on by a farrier in south Florida did not hold, and Quality Road had some blood coming from that foot following a routine gallop on April 6. McKinlay put a new patch on the hind foot April 8 and the horse has twice worked without any incident.
UPDATE: After giving it some thought, I decided that if Quality Road does not run in the Derby I am going goth. Black hair, black fingernails, black jeans, the whole nine.
An Open Letter to Bostonian Athletics
By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com
If this posting seems disjointed or scattered, it's because Boston is so stupid that I have so much ground to cover, I apologize. After the Celtics humiliated the Bulls last night, my friend in Boston taunted me. This is my retort.
First off I guess is what the hell is going on with your human-themed sports team names? Rational American cities name their teams after animals- Bears, Bulls, Cubs, Cardinals, Timberwolves, Dolphins, Falcons, Hawks, Bobcats, Marlins, etc. Your human themes are just creepy. No shit your time comprises humans, think of something creative. In essence, the Patriotss and Celtics are named "the Boston People", that isn't nickname, it's just restating your identity. That's like a guy named Bill telling you that his nickname is "Bill", that's not the point of a nickname, you dick. Furthermore, you d-bags are mispronouncing the world Celtic. Not only is your "nickname" simply "the people"it is not even pronounced correctly.
Your other sports nicknames aren't much better. Red Sox? That isn't how you spell socks. That's seriously your nickname? Someone felt so passionately about wearing red socks that they had to name their team that? How gay would you have to be to do that? Sure the White Sox are named after white socks, but everyone wears white socks. Who wears red ones? Then goes out and names a team after them? Secondly, what's gayer, naming your franchise after red socks or your bent over Patriots original logo? Lets not forget that the Patriot is ready to hike the ball. Depending on how you differentiate them, there are about 10 different positions in football and the Patriots logo depicts a center- the only position in sports that involves having a man's hands on your taint. Congratulations Boston, of all the positions you could make your logo, you chose the gay one. Speaking of gay, how about that Celtics logo fella? His gayness speaks for itself, so I won't go into detail, but if you Bostonians are so crazy about Red Socks, why is he wearing white socks? Plus, who is he winking at? Gay. I bet he is well-versed in Gaelic, if you know what I mean.
What about the Bruins? Do you really have that many bears in boston? You don't even have a zoo. Secondly, if you are known as "beantown" maybe you shouldn't have a team nickname that is a homophone with "Brewin' ", team nicknames that hint at impending flatulence are not charming or dignified, but at least the nickname isn't human-themed and it is spelled and pronounced correctly, I guess that's progress for you.
I will let you Bostonians in on a secret is known only to everyone else that speaks English - "H" and "R" are not the same letter and should be pronounced differently. After a long day when we finally put our feet up and say "aahhhh" we aren't making a pirate sound. When you do that and say, "ahhhh" I think you people are trying to say "arrrrrr", but you pronounce them the same. When your doctor uses a tongue-depresser on you, he doesn't want to hear your pirate impression, he wants you to say "aahhhhh". Remember that. If we wanted a car to be pronounced "caaaaa" we wouldn't bother putting the letter "r" on the end. It was done for a reason, so you may as well go ahead and pronounce it. If "harbor" were meant to be pronounced "ha-ba", its spelling would reflect that. Think about that.
While I will concede that Boston was useful to us during colonial times, we really have no current use for it. It's as vestigial as the appendix, tonsils and dude nips. Boston: The dude nips of America. You are about as useful as Dunfee, Indiana, unless of course, you are passionate about gay sports logos or you're an enthusiast for mispronunciation, then it's like your Jerusalem.
Polekat $lim on Point as Usual
By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com
The man is simultaneously a genius and a menace. Via text message he attempts to humiliate the city of Chicago, and a day later he sends me this link, knowing full well it's my favorite kind of story: a monkey lured into domesticity with confectionery delights. Damn you, Polekat $lim.
By the way, Polekat, since you're so smart and all, do you know whose idea it was to take this photograph?
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Peeboarding
By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com
Do you think that US soldiers ever peed in the water bucket before the water boarded someone? I bet they did. I'd way rather get waterboarded than peeboarded.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Worst News Possible: Blagojevich DENIED Permission to Appear on Reality Show
By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com
Man of Dignity, Rod Blagojevich is not allowed to travel to Costa Rica to film the reality show, I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, as reported today in the Chicago Tribune. So many random thoughts swirling through my head right now...Where to begin? (btw: Sun-Times' piece on it is here)
- First and foremost, my thoughts and prayers are with me and my family at this time. I REALLY wanted this show to happen. Phone calls to myself have not yet been returned, but surely, I must be devasted.
- Despite what I reported last night, this is obvious proof that god does not exist.
- Newspapers wonder why their circulation is down and their industry is hurting so badly. Well, maybe its because you print such depressing news all the time! If the Trib had any brains at all, they would have lied to us about this, then left the factual reporting to television, thereby making them the bad guy. It's like when you go to a friend's house, take a plop in his toilet, don't flush then leave. Of course he's gonna get blamed for it, despite his innocence.
- So THIS is what people mean when they say life isn't fair.
- This ruling is unconstitutional. We are entitled to "Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" by the Constitution....oh wait....*hand to my ear* I'm just receiving word that the United States Constitution does NOT guarantee that, rather it appears in the Declaration of Independence. Well, still....
- The ruling is un-Declaration of Independence-ish! I guess this judge still wishes we were ruled by an English King.
- Speaking of the judge, I have a picture of him from childhood.
- Looks like Daddy had a few too many of those Bartles and Jaymes. So really, the judge wasn't ruling against Blagojevich, he was ruling against his imprudent father. To bring it all full circle, I bet the judge played the guitar while reading his verdict too, just for closure.
Update: In my own words, this is kinda how I feel, regarding my anticipation for watching a Rod Blagojevich-less I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here:
Talking Derby: Odds and Ends
By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com
I was too lazy to get into my my folder to find a horse racing pic and that one was on my desktop, so I just posted it. I like it, but feel bad for the Orangutan. But any Orangutan willing to wear a life-preserver is a good sport in my book.
Fun's over, lets get down to biznass.
- Schedule of Arrival for Derby entrants
- Recap of Derby works and other related tidbits
- Top 20 Graded Stakes Earners/Derby eligible horses
Monday, April 20, 2009
Talking Derby, Plagarism Style: Steve Haskin Back in the Habit
By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com
This is Steve doing what he does when he isn't snubbing TR Slyder.
Anyway, this article is proof of why he's an indispensable read come Derby time. Next week he'll be trackside at Churchill giving us masterful reports of the Derby workouts.
Taken from here
Ky. Derby Trail: Derby Dynamics
Updated: Monday, April 20, 2009 4:53 PM
Posted: Monday, April 20, 2009 4:53 PM
Posted: Monday, April 20, 2009 4:53 PM
This final Derby Trail column before departing for
Before the major works start up, let’s take a preliminary look at the different aspects of this year’s
It is ironic that the three-career-start whammy has been broken, but four career starts still exists, with Exterminator in 1918 being the last to accomplish that. Quality Road will try to break that one.
As for Apollo, the last favorite to attempt to win the
In 2006, Barbaro took care of the theory that you couldn’t win the
Remember when you couldn’t win the
Let’s also remember that Funny Cide single-handedly destroyed two other so-called curses – being a gelding (Clyde Van Dusen in 1929) and a New York-bred (first-time in history).
So, even if you’re a believer in historic trends, as I have always been, remember that times are changing, and quickly. Who knows what a horse can accomplish nowadays.
************
There have been several comments recently, claiming that the
The big question at this point is, who will be the pace factors? We know Papa Clem has early lick if they want to use it, but he came from fifth to win the Arkansas Derby. Will Godolphin run Regal Ransom, the front-running winner of the UAE Derby? If they do, he likely will be the pacesetter. And will the speedy Join in the Dance make the starting field? He currently is at No. 22, and his owners have said they will run if he gets in. And you can bet that his trainer, Todd Pletcher, would love to see him in there to cut out a good pace for
If Godolphin wanted to use a little sly strategy, they could enter Regal Ransom to possibly keep Join in the Dance out. If they succeed, they could have the only true speed in the race with a legitimate shot to wire the field or help set it up for Desert Party. If Join in the Dance makes it into the race anyway, then they can scratch Regal Ransom if they want and save him for the Preakness.
For those jockeys who would tend to pay little attention to Regal Ransom on the lead, remember War Emblem. Regal Ransom is a horse who earned a spectacular “2” Thoro-Graph number in his career debut last year, so he has a strong foundation to fall back on.
The other distinct possibility is that if the pace is soft,
If Regal Ransom and Join in the Dance both run there should be an honest pace. If the fractions are testing or start to pick up noticeably after five-eighths of a mile, remember that I Want Revenge, Quality Road, Friesan Fire, General Quarters, Musket Man, and Desert Party (although he could take farther back) all should be fairly close together and will be making their moves at around the same time. Most of those horses have registered triple-digit Beyers, including highs of 113 by I Want Revenge and
But, keep in mind the 2005 Derby, when the slower horses were supposedly no match for Wood Memorial winner Bellamy Road (120 Beyer), Arkansas Derby winner Afleet Alex (108 Beyer), Blue Grass winner Bandini (103 Beyer), Louisiana Derby winner High Limit (105 Beyer), Illinois Derby winner Greeley's Galaxy (106 Beyer), and Florida Derby winner High Fly (102 Beyer). All, with the exception of Afleet Alex, had similar running styles to the 2009 horses mentioned above. They all made their moves at the same time after a wicked pace and all were cooked by the three-sixteenths pole, setting it up one of the so-called slow closers, Giacomo , at 50-1. No one knows what kind of pace we’ll have this year. It likely will not be as fast as in 2005, but you can be sure all those aforementioned horses will be moving together, making for a contentious cavalry charge approaching the quarter pole.
On the move behind them should be Pioneerof the Nile,
*****************
If
*****************
When
If Regal Ransom doesn’t run, then you can look next to Musket Man, who was born on May 10, followed by Pioneerof the
******************
Do you remember the Fighting Sullivans? Well, meet the Scrapping Smart Strikes. When was the last time you saw four tougher, grittier sons from the same stallion than Papa Clem,
*******************
Now that WinStar Farm’s Advice has won the Lexington Stakes and could be headed to
********************
On the lighter side, I must admit I have not been to the windows to collect on a
As an example of my inability to turn these observations into cash, instead of going with the 6-1 Barbaro, I selected and bet on A.P. Warrior, despite his having no works at Churchill, and he wound up going off at only 14-1. Even worse was taking a pass on Smarty Jones (way too low for me at 4-1) and betting on Castledale, again with no works at Churchill, only because I loved the way he looked physically. I can’t even believe I am confessing to such stupidity after five years. To demonstrate what a “big-time” bettor I am, my $2 exacta of Monarchos and Invisible Ink ($1,229) in 2001 was the biggest ticket I have ever cashed.
Have I learned from my blunders? Probably not. I still cannot bet or pick short-priced horses in a 20-horse
(This has been a public service announcement. Bet responsibly).
Sunday, April 19, 2009
I am Glad This Article Was Written
By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com
(This article, that is)
If you don't watch Real Time With Bill Maher, this post will probably be lost on you.
A few weeks ago Bill's guests were Mos Def, Cornell West and Christopher Hitchens. I was excited to see that lineup since I like all of those guys individually. The academic achievements of the latter two speak for themselves, but I've always found Mos Def to be of intellectual merit too. His music is thought-provoking and good for hip-hop, and he's always impressed me when I've heard him speak.
Then he ruined it all on that episode. I'm pretty sure he was high, which didn't help raise his level of articulation or thought clarity. Nor did it help him think before he spoke. It also seemed to adversely affect his realizing that he bombed everytime he opened his mouth, and when the crowd laughed at him, he took it as laughter of encouragement.
The result was he became the intellectual roadkill of Hitchens, and to a lesser degree, West, who didn't have his best showing either, as this article mentions as well. (same article as linked above).
Stanley Crouch pulls Mos Def's card for bringing something other than intelligence to the Real Time table, and I was glad to hear it. I can't say I disagree with him taking West to task either, but that is more of a black-guy-feeling-let-down-by-a-fellow-black-guy, so I don't think anyone is dying for my white buns to chime in on that topic.
If I am mistaken, and you are dying for me to champion the black cause, you know my email address!
First Ever WhereAwesomeHappens Soundalikes.
By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com
Jeff Van Gundy sounds a lot like Mary Carillo. I always used to think so anyway, but upon listening to one right after another on YouTube, I've concluded that they speak with different inflections. At their core, their voices are the same, but Van Gundy is always arguing and doing the George Castanza palms-in-the-air "what???" infelction, while where Mary Carillo does more of the John Wayne, talk-with-your-chin-on-your-chest kinda deep intonation, Pilgrim. And it seems as though they never seem to deviate from their respective tone zones.
It's not as great a match as I thought, but I'll post it anyway because Van Gundy and Mark Jackson are the worst announcing tandem I have heard in my entire life. On their own, they both suck out loud, bu on top of that they also hate eachother and have an anti-synergy that makes me want urinate in their beverages.
On with the audio juxtaposition.
Mary Carillo
Jeff Van Gunty Gundy (the crossed out link is NSFW, by the way)
What do you think?
Great Way to Improve Your French Accent
By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com
I try to work on my foreign accents and make sure they're all up to snuff. While most are pretty decent, others still need retooling. My French one is so-so. It seems like most impressions go over well if you manage to use one or two keywords during your accent for instance with German you make sure you throw in "ja", "und" and maybe a "zees von" (instead of "this one") and no matter what else you say, you're good. The British accent has a similar formula, just make sure you throw in a, "brilliant", "yes, my son", "d'ya know wha' I mean?", "cheers, mate", "fahking 'ell", etc. Pepper a few of those in there and you're good.
Last night's Saturday Night Live taught me a great a new keyword for the French: feces. The trick is pronouncing it "fess S", as in, "Your American food all tastes like, how you say, fess ess." Annnd Scene.
It's just that easy.
Don't Toews Me, Bro
By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com
Blackhawks Captain Jonathon Towes (pronounced: "Tayves", rhymes with "paves") had a monster game last night in a home win in game two of the playoffs. Then I heard Pat Boyle of Chicago Sports Net say, "Don't Toews me, bro." and I about peed myself. I think most real Blackhawks fans had heard that one by now, but I'm not a huge follower of them, so that was a first for me.
I texted that to my friend who is the biggest American-born hockey fan I know, and also was baked out of his gourd at the time and his response was, and I quote, "That's it right there...You blew the funny fuse...You will never find anything funnier...Unattainable record right there. LOL..Awesome!!"
If you didn't find it quite that funny, ask your doctor if Marijuana might be right for you.
On the very slight chance you don't get the Toews reference, see below. Or if you did get the reference, see below to see something awesome again. Or if you would like to see if Toews looks like ex-NFL QB Drew Bledsoe, click here
Garrett Gomez to Ride Pioneer of the Nile in the Derby
By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com
Jockey Garrett Gomez made his Sophiesque decision today and picked Pioneer of the Nile. Gomez was the regular rider for both Pioneer of the Nile and phenom Dunkirk, meaning he was forced to pick between the two for the Derby. Both will be among the top 4 favorites at the Derby, so this choice was difficult and could eventually lead to a lot of regret for Gomez.
It was kind of a case of, "A bird in hand is worth two in the bush" for Gomez, since P.O.T.N. has won his last four starts, whereas Dunkirk is lighly-raced but seemingly has a much higher ceiling. Ultimately it seemed as though his decision was made mostly out of loyalty to the connections of P.O.T.N., in essence, thanking them for all the money he's made with them. The logic being, "I like both horses, but one's paid me a lot more."
Decisions choosing between two mounts in one race is nothing new to racing, and bettors love to keep an eye out for them. Ideally, bettors hope that the jockey has some kind of inside information regarding the two, and his decision is a prescient one. Jockeys choose "incorrectly" all the time, so it isn't enough to base your bet solely on a jockey's decision, but it's always worth noting.
My guess is that had Dunkirk and Pioneer of the Nile made Gomez equal amounts of cash, he would side with Dunkirk. Or maybe Gomez knows something I don't.
UPDATE: Edgar Prado will now ride Dunkirk in the Derby.
I Didn't get Plagarized This Time, But....
By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com
My Twitter prophecy may be coming true! If this well-written piece is any indication, I may be proved correct in less time than I thought!
The latter talks about how played-out Twitter has become now that so many celebrities (and pseudo-celebrities) are on Twitter, and just use it to hock their goods. Confounding that further is the discovery that several celebrity Tweeters had ghost-Tweeters.
It's a neat concept and has its rightful place on the internet. I just think that place is shrinking.
UPDATE: I just realized what this Twitter phenomenon reminded me of. You know when you were like 12 and everyone had a nickname? Then eventually someone would do something foolish, like fall on their ass while rollerblading, then check your ass and realize you have a huge scrape now on your ass, and one of your friends would be like, "Nice job Rollerblade ass. OH MY GOD!! Ha Ha Ha, that is TOTALLY your new nickname! From now on everybody, his nickname is "Rollerblade Ass"!! Oh man, you will be the laughingstock of the school, Rollerblade Ass!"
100% of the time anyone ever says, "Oh man, that's your new nickname!" it won't be. The kiss of death is saying that. Real nicknames are organic, and start out more quietly and eventually ascend to permanence. I've given out more nicknames than anyone else I know, and I know that to be true.
The media's insitance that Twitter was the wave of the future, struck me as reminiscent of the instance shown when friends insist on your new nickname. When it's a headline that Oprah is now on Twitter, you may as well say "That's your new nickname, Rollerblade Ass!". Countless articles beat us over the head with, "this is the new biggest deal ever and will alter our lives and grandkid's lives!!!" except, that never works either. When a late-night host asks quests, "So do you Twitter? or Tweet or Tweeter? Man do I sound lame.", you know its doomed.
When I think of the biggest technology deals now- iPods, Google, text messaging, etc. As ubiquitous and indispensable as they are now, they started off humbly. No one ever said "this will take over the world, Rollerblade Ass", they were just new products that may work, or may fail. iPods were embraced reluctantly after the failure of the much-hyped mini discs, remember those? Google was a neat internet tool, but they weren't the first search engine. Other search engines, like Yahoo and Web Crawler already seemed totally serviceable, no one predicted they'd grow into the behemouth that they are. Can anyone remember the first time they heard of text messaging? I can't. You never read about how Ashton Kutcher or Oprah is now texting. Talk show hosts didn't ask guests questions effectively asking, "So do you text, or are you not just a neanderthal, but a parciularly lame neanderthal?" like they do with Twitter.
Despite a lack of immediate annointing from the media, their organic growth was sure and steady and now they're staples of tens of millions of lives. Whereas, I think Twitter is akin to the boy who called, "Rollerblade Ass".
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