Saturday, January 3, 2009

Found This Out The Hard Way


By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


If you Google "Peyton Manning Mustache", the above pic appears on the second page.

Like, Peyton Manning's Team


By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Now that Brett Favre is retiring (you heard it here first), all of the latently gay football mancrush
talk will now hing upon Peyton Manning. He'll be the dude that it's just assumed everyone kinda loves or respects on some level.

Also, if I had Photoshop, I totally woulda Photoshopped gay porn into Peyton's phone in that picture.

Why Won't You Share Your Love With Me?


By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Easily the best commercial in the Commercial Game today is the McDonald's commercial where the dude sings, "Girl, you got a 10-piece please don't be stingy"

Above in the photograph is a noteworty McNugget. It's the only McNugget in history that isn't either an oval, or in the shape of Indiana- a true culinary marvel.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

India. Moustaches. Police.


By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



I think I'm the only blogger with the balls to break a story that the BBC originally aired in early 2004. I just break news like that.

The article says that the Indian government basically subsidized moustaches for their policemen, believing that they command respect.

I would pay money to be there for a budgeting meeting and hear, "Deepak, this station is hemorrhaging money. We have to cut back the perks. I even think we're going to have to cut the budget for moustache incentives. We simply pay to much more for moustaches. According to the FT, we have grossly overpaid the current global rate for moustache cultivation. If we want to be among the world's most savvy, sophisticated and financially viable police forces, we will simply have to pay less for moustaches."



Editor's note: I called them "moustaches" because when a foreigner has a 'stache that awesome, you have to call it a "moo-stache".

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

This Probably Makes Me a Bad Person

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Ok, so I copied and pasted this directly from today's Chicago Tribune.

On the print edition, this article appears on page 19, which is effectively, page 3 of the business section. As a teaser for this article, it appears on page 1 of the business section, with the author's photo and the headline "Do Diet Pills Really Work?"

I'm just gonna go ahead and say it: I think I know how she is going to answer that.

I appreciate the author not sending me any hate mail after this posting. She truly is the bigger person. Truly.


Diet aids may slim only your wallet

Kayce T. Ataiyero Kayce T. Ataiyero Bio | E-mail | Recent columns


The new year is almost upon us and so are those annual resolutions to lose weight. But if you're thinking of using an over-the-counter diet aid in your battle of the bulge, many experts say you might want to think again. In many cases, they say, you can do just as well on your own.

Medical experts say there are few studies on the effectiveness of most over-the-counter appetite suppressants, metabolism boosters and other diet aids. Those that have been conducted, such as the one published in 2004 in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, concluded the evidence that they actually help people lose weight is not convincing.

Depending on the pill—and your body chemistry—you might see slight results, but it's not likely to be much better than those you would get from diet and exercise alone, experts say. And there are risks. Some pills act as a diuretic, resulting in water loss rather than fat loss. Others contain stimulants to boost energy, which can cause problems for people with heart conditions, diabetes or high blood pressure.

In addition, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration recently issued a health warning to consumers about tainted weight loss pills that contain undisclosed and potentially dangerous ingredients. A list of these products can be found at chicagotribune.com/dietmed.

Experts recommend consulting your doctor before taking over-the-counter diet aids or undergoing any diet and exercise plan. Howard Eisenson, executive director of the Duke Diet and Fitness Center, said he does not recommend using over-the-counter diet products at all.


"I can tell you that I, and I believe most weight control experts, do not favor the non-prescription products out there," he said. "They don't meet the twin tests of both effectiveness and safety."

The same goes for the products being peddled on infomercials, promising massive weight loss with no effort, experts say. If you're sitting close enough to the TV to read the fine print, you'll see that most of them are not approved by the FDA. That means there's likely no independent evidence that the product is effective or even safe, experts say.

"In a nutshell, I think people are throwing their money away," said Amy Virus, a registered dietitian with the Center for Obesity Research and Education at Temple University. "There's no 'lose 20 pounds' pill. Any time you see one of those crazy claims, definitely question it."

When I made an inquiry about non-prescription diet aids to the Consumer Healthcare Products Association, which represents manufacturers of over-the-counter drugs, a spokeswoman referred me to the makers of the products.

Chris Pugh, a spokesman for PatentHealth, the maker of one appetite suppressant—Apatrim—said the company stands behind the product's claims. The Web site says that Apatrim is "willpower in a bottle" and that all of the people who took the pill in trials lost weight or inches without diet or exercise.

There's also an asterisk directing you to the disclosure that those statements have not been evaluated by the FDA.

"The claims we make on the Web site are backed by clinical studies," Pugh said. "We strongly believe in the product."

For now, experts say there's only one FDA-approved over-the-counter diet pill: Alli. Alli blocks the body's absorption of fat and has been proven to help people lose weight, experts say. The makers of Alli say it can boost weight loss by 50 percent if used in conjunction with a low-fat diet. And therein lies the rub.

Alli, like many other over-the-counter diet aids, requires that you eat right and exercise. If you make the mistake of thinking that the pills give you license to pig out on cheeseburgers and pizza, they won't work. And with Alli, you'll be treated to unpleasant side effects such as uncontrollable bowels if you eat too much fat.

Even with prescription diet pills, experts say, diet and exercise are a must. Dr. Donald Hensrud, a Mayo Clinic diet guru, said consumers often have unrealistic expectations for both over-the-counter and prescription diet aids. Hensrud said that, in both cases, the results are often modest and likely attributable to changes in eating habits and physical activity.

"It gets down to the basics. The basics are challenging to apply, however," Hensrud said. "When people are faced with a difficult challenge, it's human nature, they want to find that magic bullet."

So, there's no getting around that whole diet and exercise thing. But you knew that. And if you had the discipline to do that, you wouldn't need the pill in the first place. I mean, didn't you make this same resolution last year?

Stop The Presses Again! Tom Cruise Holocaust Movie Wasn't a Major Success!!!
















By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


You know how you can feel vicariously offended for people, even though you were not directly offended? Like if you hear a guy saying outrageously sexist things to a woman, a guy can still think "Wow, I'm not even a woman and I'm offended."? As an honorary Jew, that's I feel about the marketing of Valkyrie.

The movie "stars" the biggest joke-of-a-leading-man in recent memory, takes place in a foreign country- yet contains no foreign language or even accents, and deals with the genocide of the Jewish people. Ok, so all that information doesn't mean that it was marketed toward the Jews, it just makes it a period-piece. Fair enough. Only it was released on Christmas Day! Jew Movie Day. So their sales pitch was "Hi there, Jew. How are you? Good. Listen, got any plans for Christmas? Oh great. Have I got a movie for you! It stars a laughably awful actor, and is a period piece. The period is when Hitler tried to annihilate every single last one of you. The movie will contain no real suspense, since you already know how the war ended. Plus, since it's about genocide and is a total downer, that will go well with you wishing you could be celebrating Christmas like all of your other friends! That way, when everyone is celebrating material excess, you can re-live the attempted extermination of your relatives! Now does that sound great, or does that sound great?? See ya in the theaters on the 25th!"

Seriously, what about this movie is watchable to ANYONE? Much less to a Jew. On Christmas.

Hollywood trying to sell that package to the Jews would be like if one of your friends hooked up with your mom, then having me say "Hey there, for only $10 I'll have Gilbert Gottfried narrate the story of how your friend totally nailed your mom!"


STOP THE PRESSES!!!!!!: Israel and Hamas Still Are Not Getting Along!!!!!!!!!!!!


By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



I don't find the Israeli/Hamas conflict to be funny in any way. But I do find it funny that the media expects me to jump out of my seat and convulse with shock that they're feuding again.

Let's think about the word "News". The root word here is "new". In fact, "the news" is the polar opposite of "the olds". So when something happens, that is literally one of "the news". If I were to report that I am respirating, books have words, or that squid continue to live in the ocean, that would fall under the category of "the olds". We already knew that.

When Hamas and Isreal are at odds with one another, or a peace accord is broken, or one bombs the other, that is literally not "news". That's "olds". Other similar such pseudo-news: California wildfires, The Cubs come up short in October, Tom Cruise acts bizarrely, the San Diego forecast looks sunny, etc. I am familar with what a "slow news day" is and how it can affect the news coverage that day, but lets try to remember what the word "news" actually means.






Rod Blagojevich is Now More Awesome Than Ever


By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Nut Blag did it again! Mr. 7% Approval Rating just went ahead and appointed a Senate successor to Obama's seat, anyway. Despite being told by everyone that matters, that they'd reject anyone he was stupid enough to name to the Senate, Blagojevich appointed Roland Burris to the Senate.

This strategy was 4-fold for Hot Roddy.

1- It maintains Blago's staunch stance of denial. He thinks that if he can close his eyes, the problem will go away. Making an appointment anyway is consistent with his ethos of "Ok, I am under investigation, but I still have a job to do. I won't just sit around all day with my feet up, waiting to be found guilty."

2- Since Roland Burris is black (and yes, he has a mustache), this engraciates Blagojevich to the African-American community, which has historically been a key demographic for him. Which is odd since Rod has no chance of ever gaining an elected office again.

3- Burris is a safe pick. He was the Illinois Attorney Gengeral a few years ago, and has a clean record and basically has as little controversey around him as one can have. So in essence, Blagojevich is defying the Senate to shoot this pick down.

4- It just makes Rod more awesome.


Rod, you're the best. Around. Nothing is ever gonna keep you down.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

A Little Message for the Holidays

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com






Monday, December 22, 2008

Dear Uninspired Advertisers,

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



Dear Uninspired Advertisers,

HBO, I'll give you a pass since you originated the line, "It's not TV, it's HBO." fair enough. But Wendy's, what made it ok for you to say "It's not fast food; it's Wendy's?" You are indeed, fast food. You're great fas tfood, but you're fastfood. And now Ford is getting in on the played-out act with, "It's not a truck; it's the new F-150". So what exactly is it then? A hatchback? Oh right, it's not just "a" truck, it's an unoriginally marketed truck.

Got it.

That clarification brought to you by T.R. Slyder.

Polekat $lim Hates Him Some Coldplay

By: Polekat $lim



"Yet another reason why Coldplay sucks"

If you've been reading this blog for any amount of time, you've probably realized there are quite a few things in life that make me want to start huffing a bag of glue just to bring myself to a level where I can understand the motives of some.....

Yeah, I guess I forgot to mention Coldplay as one of those things. To me, nothing represents the Jetta-driving I-Pod-slinging, Starbucks-addicted conformity of post-college yuppie-wannabe-ness than a band of whiny Cockney pansies. Yeah, I said it. The only thing in my life that was all yellow was the issue of Rolling Stone featuring these losers.... after I pissed on it.

So it looks like the flag-carrying saviors of the metrosexual revolution have made a pretty obvious mistake and it may cost them dearly. No, it has nothing to do with Chris Martin marrying "the biggest slut in Hollywood" (Inside joke, thank you Josh Hartnett) or naming your kid "Apple", but a mistake that I hope will take these poseurs back across the Atlantic and away from my earholes permanently....

See, if you listen to Coldplay, you may have never heard of a guy named Joe Satriani. But to those of us in the guitar-playing community, he is looked at with the reverence that an aspiring actor would give to a Brando or Newman. Satch has been one of the GODS of virtuoso guitar for the better part of three decades, creating beautiful instrumental works and dropping jaws to the floor while Chris Martin was whining for a nipple instead of.... well, whatever the hell he whines about in every song....

Anyway, It would appear that "Viva la Vida", the biggest single off of this years most downloaded album..... was plagiarized.... allegedly. Now Satch is suing Coldplay for plagiarism and "seeking a jury trial, damages and 'any and all profits' attributed to the single, which he believes incorporates 'substantial original portions' of his 2004 instrumental If I Could Fly." (News.com.au). Right about now, I'm wondering if Chris Martin is regretting comments like, "We're definitely good, but I don't think you can say we're that original," and "I regard us as being incredibly good plagiarists." (Rolling Stone June 16th, 2005).

If that doesn't make you pause during your Venti Choca-Frappa-Mocha-Al-Pacino, then watch the video below and determine for yourself.



Personally, I hope Joe can take these fuckers for millions and grind their career to piano shattering acrimonious end that makes Milli Vanilli smile. For the record, this isn't the first allegation regarding these douchebags plagiarizing other artists' work, but the first that I actually gave a damn about. I mean, it's one thing to suck, it's another to rip off a legend and still find ways to suck doing it.....

Don't be stupid, don't listen to Coldplay...



Editor's Note: For all the current and potential Polekat $lim groupies out there wondering where Polekat gets his unique style of awesomeness, wordsmithing, yet with a discernible undercurrent of gritty sexuality, the answer is he inhabits a city with all of these people. Kinda makes sense now, huh?

How to Come out Without all the Hassle of Coming out


By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


In August, and on another website (with point #2), I mentioned how for a generation of kids, coming out of the closet is much easier now that American Idol exists. If you are a young gay kid, you're probably anxious about coming out of the closet and wish you could do so in piecemeal fashion, so no one is really shocked. I posited that trying out for American Idol was a great first step.

Giving an interview like this is another effective way to put out that vibe. I'll withhold the name of the male quasi-celebrity and let you read this recent interview with him. Let me know if you think this interview was to lay the foundation for a fabulous coming-out party in the near future.


Where is the best place to people-watch in the city? Trader Joe's. I love watching couples to see what each of them puts in their grocery basket. You see who is the health-conscious one and who has the sweet tooth. I find that fascinating.

What is your favorite local dive bar? KGB [in the East Village]. But who knows—with this economy, the Four Seasons could be a dive bar in four months.

What would be your dream address? Where does Beyoncé live? I'd pick next door to her.

If you were throwing a house party, which past or present New Yorkers would you invite? I'd have Regis Philbin be my greeter and Rachael Ray would cook. I'd invite Fiorello LaGuardia, a great Italian-American who wasn't in the Mob. The cast of Gossip Girl would drop by just for fun. And I'd suck up to Graydon Carter, so I could get into the Waverly Inn.

Who is the most famous New Yorker you have programmed in your cell phone? I don't have any famous people. How about Scarlett Johansson's colorist? Her name is Edita.

If you were mayor, what would you change? I'd make every vehicle a hybrid. Theater would be free on Monday nights. I'd oversee the school lunch programs and allow cigar smoking in the city. But, fortunately, it looks like Bloomberg has a job for life so I don't have to worry about any of it.


Point taken, interviewee. Point taken. The interviewee is none other than this gay guy.



Spoiler Alert for the movie Valkyrie


By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



I know the movie hasn't been released yet....BUT... I know how it ends!!!

I just got off the phone with someone who isn't a total fucking moron, who also knows a minimal amount of world history, and [SPOILER ALERT:] Hitler doesn't get killed by his own guys (e.g. Tom Cruise) in Valkyrie!!

Can you believe it??!! I thought for sure with all of Tom's megawatt star power that he would have gotten to Hitler, but I guess that isn't how it happened. Before knowing that I was so excited to see Tom Cruise play a German officer that spoke English and didn't even have a German accent. I can't believe I'm no longer excited to learn my world history for a Tom Cruise movie.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Apparently I'm Late to the Party

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


I was going to flaunt my brilliance about how Zooey Deschanel looks like Katy Perry. And as I was typing in Zooey's name into Google, Google suggested "Zooey Deschanel and Katy Perry..........180,000" So I won't post their similarities and pretend I'm unique. Which, sucks because I think they're both attractive. You'll have to click the link to enjoy the bounty.

What's up With Kenny Mayne Showing Skin on ESPN.com??

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Um, go here. Then tell me what you estimate the demand level to be for the white, inner-thigh of a has-been, sarcastic, relic from a once-edgy sports monopolist.

Once you answer that, please repeat for "upper arms", and "outer thigh".


You scroll down to see if your opinions resemble those of the author....











On a scale of 1-10, the author's demand for the following: 0, 0, and 0, respectively.

P.S. You don't know shit about horse racing.



Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Little Gordon Ramsay

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com





Part 2.


Part 3.





Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Where Awesome Happens Lookalikes 19.0- Jesse Jackson Jr. and Herschel Walker

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com
























Christmas Cheer

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

The first one's video can be seen here. But the audio and still frame can be found here.




This is also a doozey. The Holidays are all about GĂĽnther.





Und zees von. More GĂĽnther.





You are also obligated to check out How The Grinch Stole Kwanzaa.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

WhereAwesomeHappens Love Child Investigation 9.0

Encore presentation.

The Worst Governor In 50 Years. Rod Blagojevich.




By T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

We at Where Awesome Happens have proof that Steve Carell and Former US Attorney General Janet Reno had a love child. The proof is, of course current Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich.




































Let's hope Blago's fear isn't to be in the blogosphere. Hello-ooo.



Other lookalikes:

Roger Clemens and Uncle Joey's Puppet, Woodchuck

David Wright and Steve Eigenberg

Jane Velez Mitchell and Adam Rich

Amy Poehler and Cindy McCain

Louis CK and Jim Cramer

Stephen Colbert and Jamie Gold

Dana Bash and an Afghan Dog

Brandon DiCamillo and Paul Scheer

Bristol Palin and Shawn Johnson

Fred Thompson and a Shar Pei Dog

Steve from Married With Children, and Calvin's Dad, from Calvin and Hobbes

Buck Martinez and Carl, from Billy Madison

Brandon DiCamillo and Paul Scheer

Mauro Renallo and Seth MacFarlane

Charles Barkley and Bald Bull

Sunday, December 7, 2008

A Doozie of a Triva Query

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



Can you name the only 4 schools to have produced both a United States President AND Super Bowl-winning Quarterback?


The schools, presidents and QBs appear below. I heard this during the Army-Navy game on Saturday.















Michigan-
QB: Tom Brady
President: Gerald Ford

Navy-
QB: Roger Staubach
President: Jimmy Carter

Stanford-
QB: John Elway and another one I forgot
President: Herbert Hoover

Miami University
QB: Ben Roethlisberger
President: Benjamin Harrison


You could parry the trivia question down further by asking what school has a Super Bowl winning QB, and a president, that share the same first name.