Stop The Presses Again! Tom Cruise Holocaust Movie Wasn't a Major Success!!!

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


You know how you can feel vicariously offended for people, even though you were not directly offended? Like if you hear a guy saying outrageously sexist things to a woman, a guy can still think "Wow, I'm not even a woman and I'm offended."? As an honorary Jew, that's I feel about the marketing of Valkyrie.

The movie "stars" the biggest joke-of-a-leading-man in recent memory, takes place in a foreign country- yet contains no foreign language or even accents, and deals with the genocide of the Jewish people. Ok, so all that information doesn't mean that it was marketed toward the Jews, it just makes it a period-piece. Fair enough. Only it was released on Christmas Day! Jew Movie Day. So their sales pitch was "Hi there, Jew. How are you? Good. Listen, got any plans for Christmas? Oh great. Have I got a movie for you! It stars a laughably awful actor, and is a period piece. The period is when Hitler tried to annihilate every single last one of you. The movie will contain no real suspense, since you already know how the war ended. Plus, since it's about genocide and is a total downer, that will go well with you wishing you could be celebrating Christmas like all of your other friends! That way, when everyone is celebrating material excess, you can re-live the attempted extermination of your relatives! Now does that sound great, or does that sound great?? See ya in the theaters on the 25th!"

Seriously, what about this movie is watchable to ANYONE? Much less to a Jew. On Christmas.

Hollywood trying to sell that package to the Jews would be like if one of your friends hooked up with your mom, then having me say "Hey there, for only $10 I'll have Gilbert Gottfried narrate the story of how your friend totally nailed your mom!"