How to Maintain Your Title as a Past-Your-Prime, Trite, Self-Engrandizing Asshole "Journalist". By: Rick Reilly

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com (P)Rick Reilly


Dear Little People Whom I Talk Down To, But Whose Patronage I Rely Upon, Ironically,


I guess you know by now, I'm an asshole. Since I've always sucked as a writer, I was always swept under the journalist rug and relegated to the puff pieces that were 500 words or less (or crap like the video that appears below). I was jealous of journalists who had something to say and were actually intelligent, news-breaking wordsmiths. My self-defense mechanism for being relegated to puff-pieces was to try and convince people that the work I did was the cool, hip, work and I was the standard-bearer of awesomeness. I told the real writers that everyone else was merely a practitioner of "your great-grandaddy's journalism" I was to cool to stoop to that level. But obviously I wanted to be them. It's like how when the youngest kid in a family of three half-heartedly shouts on the way to their parents car, "I call the middle seat in the back!".
It's also true that I wasn't making as much money being a puff-piece-producer, so I cranked out some lame-ass golf books to remedy that, that way I could drive a Benz like the big-boy journalists. Why golf? Because golfer's wives have disposable income and will buy my book for their husbands because it says the word "golf" on the cover! Did any of my books matter to anyone? Of course not. But do I care? Hell no, I got paid. I drive a Benz!!!

You know the hot chick in your high school class that was always a total bitch to everyone, and never gave any good guys the time of day because they weren't on the football team? Then 10 years later she wouldn't give good guys the time of day because he wasn't pulling down 100k a year? But then after her second kid out of wedlock, she realized that guys who did make that much money didn't date girls like her anyway? Then at age 35 she realized that she's not even hot enough to rely on her old shtick of being hot, then she's hit with the reality that her life has just passed her by so she just becomes a bitter, old crusty bitch, at an early age?

I'm that bitch.

Back when I was hip and off-beat, I was like the bloggers of today- a little different, a fresh voice not doing what everyone else was doing. Only now I'm not quite as cool, hip or necessary. As a young journalist writer, I told established writers they were lame. I told anyone who'd listen that I was hip and doing something different, even if my work was the literary equivalent of a Big Mac. While real journalists were busy unearthing poignant stories and actually making news, I was two-steps behind commenting on those stories in snarky 500 piece essays. I wasn't George Will. I was Perez Hilton. But now I'm the high school bitch whose looks left her world when her third kid out of wedlock entered it. I'm not even today's Perez Hilton anymore. I'm Perez Hilton at age 60. Sure I'm bitter about it. You would be too if decades of shallowness just hit you in the face.

Since I have no journalistic credibility, and I can no longer play the "Trust me I'm cooler, just get out of my way" card, I decided to talk down to the younger, newer generation that Darwinism dictates will replace me. I'll glibly say out of the side of my mouth that if they were real writers, they'd write for actual publications, like I have. Then I'd tell them how I was the Bob Dylan of my era, knowing full well that I was more like Phil Collins. So when the young bloggers ask "Who the hell is Phil Collins?" I say "Exactly! if you're not old or hip enough to know who Phil Collins is, how can you be more hip than me??!" I'm just witty like that. But what's awesome is when the bloggers come back with "Hey even Sir-Mix-A-Lot understands that people nowadays would rather listen to Lil Wayne than him." I say, "For shizzle." To prove that I am still relevant and hip(!!!).

So I'm still not a journalist, and I'm definitely not the coolest kid on the block anymore. So how do I make a living? I do utter crap like this:



How sweet was that video, Dog (or is it Dogg?)?? I did my own YouTube video (but on text messages they we say "u2ube")! Not only that, but I re-re-re-re-re-re-re-hashed how the Cubs haven't had much success in the post season!! How tight is that, Broseph? Did you see what I did there? I took a team that hasn't won a championship in 100 years, as all of America knows, and I somehow managed to articulate that it appears they haven't been lucky!! Dude, Grantland Rice- WHAT?? Bill Nack, Peter Gammons, and Will McDonough- You can hate me now (to quote brothers Nas and Puff Daddy)! Never mind that I mispronounced Kosuke Fukudome's firstname (allegedly it's pronounced "Kose K" and not "Ko-Soo-K". whateva4eva!) I did that vid in a t-shirt!! On the YouTube!


G(eezer)s Up Bloggers Down,


Rick Reilly, IDriveABenzAndBloggerzDont@aol.com

Cubs. Hurt Me. Badly.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



I kinda feel like giving the Cubs an earful like Alec Baldwin gives his daughter on this voicemail.

"Cubs, you have humiliated me for the last time!"

This Shocked Me

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


I took a walk into Wrigleyville today and this is what I saw on the corner of Addison and Clark. It isn't that I disagree, but I thought this was in kinda poor taste. Only someone totally low class would write and display such a negative message.

Cubs vs. Dodgers Series Prediction: A Photo Essay

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


I curated this photo essay comparing Los Angeles and Chicago in preparation for tonight's Cubs vs. Dodger's game. I'm wondering whether I can use these photos as a tool to predict the winner of the series. So we'll keep score throughout the essay contest and see which city, if either, seems to have a cultural advantage over the other, which could then be parlayed into a series victory.

First off, this is what resulted when a few Chicago guys visited L.A:






This is what happened when an L.A. guy came to the Chi:



Chicago: 1, Los Angeles: 0.


Round 2: Here's The Icon of the Dodger franchise and another prominent Los Angelino:






Menacing Indeed. Now let's see what the Chicago contigent has to offer:



Oh wow, that one wasn't even all that close. Chicago: 2, Los Angeles: 0.



Still not convinced?


Here is a musician that blew up in Chicago:



This was once the most popular band in Los Angeles (but the band below them was FAR WORSE!!!! [better Ms. KH?]):


Chicago: 3, Los Angeles: 0

This isn't a joke, it's just Los Angeles. Go Cubs.

Cubs Emotion-o-Meter 10/1 Edition: Playoffs Game #1

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



Just to make sure everyone is awake out there in Cubland we're gonna do a brief word puzzle. What popular phrase do these three pictures make?





I'm sure you were able to figure it out. But I just wanted to make sure you were intellectually limber while getting focused for the Cubs game tonight.

Tonight's game (6:30 ET on TBS) is the one that scares me the most, from a Cubs fan's perspective. The Cubs starter is Ryan Dempster, and the Dodgers send Derek Lowe to the mound. Righty Derek Lowe is pitching against a Cubs lineup that has a lot of right-handed hitters, and it's a lineup that might even be a bit rusty after having rested so many of its big hitters for so long. Lowe has had success against the Cubs in the past few years, and if he can keep the Cubs righties off-balance, it could possibly set the tone for the series, much like what happened with Brandon Webb and the Cubs last post season. In that series the Cubs were anemic offensively and never got the ball rolling. A good pitching performance can put an entire team in a slump for a few games after that.

That being said, Dempster is an absolute beast. His numbers are consistently better than Lowe's all season, despite Dempster pitching in a hitter's park, and Lowe pitching in a pitcher's park. Dempster has also came up biggest for the Cubs when it has mattered most all season, and he'll have the unanimous backing of the crowd which will probably sound like they have have been drinking coffee, snorting coke, smoking meth and contracting rabies, collectively, for the last 10 hours. I'm not worried about Dempster showing up, but I am mildly concerned that the Cubs' bats won't.

But I still like the Cubs to win. Ordinarily, I don't try to predict the score but since I know so many of my readers are gamblers and bet the over/under I'll venture a guess tonight, since it's the playoffs: Cubs 87, Dodgers, 2.

Weng Weng Wednesday (Belatedly)

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


I had a lot going on yesterday and forgot about Weng Weng Wednesday. So to make it up to you, I'll post two videos. They'll be the first installment of 1982's The Impossible Kid. There's actually a part at about the 3:30 mark that isn't safe for work. Weng Weng sees some boobie action while repelling down the side of a building and inadvertently looking into a window. The plot so far is that Weezy Weezy works for the Malaysian branch of Interpol and his assignment is to prevent terrorist militants from killing a prominent industrialist that they're holding for ransom. Dun-Dun-Duunnnnn.

Part 1 of 10



Part 2 of 10



Did you notice around the 5:30 mark of the second video, the eerie similarities betwixt Weng Weng hiding out in the sand pit, and Bin Laden's hiding in caves??!! This movie basically predicts the war in Afghanistan! You can tell that Bin Laden studied Weng Weng film before the invasion, much like how Norman Schwartzkopf studied Erwin Rommel during Desert Storm. Move over Plato's Allegory of the Cave, there's a new Allegory of the Cave in town...

I still can't believe the audacity that the James Bond franchise showed all of those years, making shameless knock-offs of Weng Weng movies. And they thought they'd sell better just because Bond was white and of normal height. Disgusting.

White Sox vs. Twins Live Blog

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


The first half inning is over. Not much happened. Harold Reynolds, Ron Darling and Dick Stockton have the announcing duties on TBS. I guess this falls under the category of a playoff game, so TBS has the honors. I think Stockton is pretty terrible, and Darling brings zero to the table, but I'm interested in hearing Reynolds. I hope he makes reference to his desire to hug women in an inappropriate fashion at a Boston Market.

The big news so far is that this is going to be the first look of TBS commercials that I will quickly grow to nauseate me. Apparently, Frank TV hasn't been canceled yet and his new season starts later in October. Last year the Frank TV and Dane Cook "There's only one October!" commercials were so overplayed they made me want to boycott the shows they advertised. Frank TV is off to a good start this year at repeating.
******************************************************************

More pertinent to the action: So far both teams put the leadoff man on, hit into a double play, then had their #3 hitter fail to reach base.

End of First. Score 0-0.
***********************

That brings Justin Morneau to the plate. I hope his teammates call him "Justin Mornography". He just struck out swinging. I guess I never noticed before how "struck out swinging" could be a double entendre. I suppose "struck out looking" also could be too, if you ask a chick out and she catches you looking at her boobs while you ask, so she declines. The Twins went 1,2,3 in the top of the second.

Jim Thome lead off with a walk, Konerko flew out to the warning track, and Griffey whiffed. Alexei Ramirez was greeted to a hero's welcome when he stepped into the batter's box. As well he should after last night's huge grand slam. This guy is scary good already as a rookie. Ramirez walked. First time tonight a team has a player in scoring position. On the next pitch Pierzynski grounded out to end the inning. The White Sox showed some offensive life with Konerko's fly out (he has a history of home runs in big games), and two walks.

Score still 0-0 End 2nd.
***************************************************
Third Inning

Top: Glens Falls, NY's own Brendan Harris leads off the third. I hope Linda Cohn doesn't call him "B. Hair.". That being said, B. Hair. just grounded out. If Harold Reynolds has one signature move, it has to be ending a spat of laughter with an "ahh, oh my goodness.". Nick Punto walked. Carlos Gomez popped out to the shortstop to bring up Denard Span, as all of you Spanish scholars know- Denard is Spanish for "of nard". Of nard grounded out to 1B to end the inning. Danks has a no hitter through 3 innings with his pitch count at 50.

This looks like October baseball so far, not much cooking offensively thanks to some quality pitching and defense.

Bottom: Juan Uribe got his groundout on to B. Hair. at third base. The guy with the only hit of the game, grounded out 3 pitches later, and DeWayne wise popped out two pitches later. That was like a 6 pitch inning.

Score is still 0-0, Danks has 50 pitches, and Blackburn is at 40.
********************************************************
4th Inning

That Bon Jovi "I love this town" commercial looks like it has a lot of potential for being excessively annoying in the days to come. I'm sure you'll hear more about that later in the week.

Top: 1 pitch, 1 out to Alexi Cassilla. There is an Alexi and an Alexei in tonight's game. Not sure if I've seen two Alex(e)is in a game before. That just proves Dane Cook's theory: There's Only One October!!! Danks just struck out Mauer for the second time. This guy is locked in. Mornography fouled out on the next pitch. That was a 9-pitch inning. Pitch count at 59, No hitter still in tact.

Bottom: Jermaine Dye leads off with a single to left. Jim Thome whiffed on a full count. He very nearly held his swing, but the third-base umpire ruled it a strikeout. That brings Konerko to the plate, we'll see if his last at bat showed that he's locked in or not. Apparently not. Konerko hit what should have been a double-play ball, but Konkero was safe on a throwing error to first base. Griffey fouled out. The leadoff single was squandered.

0-0. Danks pitch count is 59, and Blackburn's is at 53.
**************************************************
5th Inning

Before the game, Sox fans were issued with black towels. I didn't think they'd stoop to the towel-waving level. What is cool however, is that tonight's game was ordered to be a "Blackout" with all the fans wearing black. The fans did a good job of going along with it, an all-black-wearing crowd is pretty sweet to see.

Top: The TBS broadcasters just made their first mention of Danks not having given up a hit. What happened next? Michael Cuddyer leadoff with a double. They went from being no-hit to threatening to score pretty quickly. Delmon Young hit a sac fly to Griffey in center, Cuddyer advanced to third with one out. He's the first baserunner to reach third base for either team. Still only one out. WOW. Brendan Harris flew out to Griffey and Cuddyer got thrown out at home. That was a bang-bang play. Pierzynski took a hit and held on to the ball. Good play all around. Decent hitting, great throw, great catch and block, and pretty good baserunning. Gotta love fundamental baseball.

Bottom: Ramirez and Pierzynski went down pretty quickly- groundout and strikeout respectively. Uribe flew out. Another quick inning.

0-0 still, Danks is at 72 pitches and Blackburn at 62.
****************************************************

6th Inning

I'll admit it. TBS has done a good job of not overplaying any commercials just yet. I'm shocked too.

Top: Bonus points to Ron Darling for giving a shout out to Old Style beer. I think I'm gonna stop with the batter-by-batter commentary until there's action enough to justify it. That being said, the first two Twins- Punto and Gomez, were out pretty quickly. Span walked and is threatening to steal, drawing 3 straight throws over from Danks. Casillas whiffed, and Span was never able to steal. Danks count is at 87

This is kinda nice. Instead of taking us to commercial they just took us to Ernie Johnson at the front desk with Cal Ripken Jr. and Dennis Eckersley. Eck is still looking as porny as ever. If I had to bet my life on someone driving a sports coupe with the license plate "Swinger" it would definitely go with Dennis Eckersley. No question.

Bottom: Another boring 1,2,3 inning which is a testament to Blackburn being in command. His count is at 71.

Still 0-0
***************************
7th Inning

Oh sweet, new Sonic commercials. I love the commercials with the blond dude and the fluffy-haired dark-haired dude. Those are some of the best commercials I've seen in a long time. Another thing I feel obligated to point out: I'm not changing between channels this time because 1) my remote batteries died earlier this evening, and 2) I consider commercials part of the blog since I usually, resort to watching commercials during playoff baseball since I don't want to miss a pitch. Loyal WhereAwesomeHappens readers will recall that I spoke against commercial watching in my article about the rules of remote handling.



Top: 1,2,3 inning again. Danks' pitchcount at 93.

Bottom: JIM THOME LEADS OFF WITH A HOMERUN TO CENTER. Wow. Thome obliterated that pitch to VERY deep center. If it's any consolation to Twins fans, that HR was not a cheapie. No outs. Konerko grounded out. Griffey short-hops the wall for a 1-out double. Brian Anderson pinch-runs for Griffey and Alexei Ramirez was intentionally walked to set up the double-play. The Twins make a pitching change and bring in lefty Jose Mijares. If you were in my living room with me, I'd probably make some kind of "Jose, My hair is...." joke, but not now. It's too intense, and I'm trying to keep this blog up-to-the-inning with publishing in it to the web. No time for joking around this inning. (Unless it involves fat women). Pierzynski enters the box with guys on first and second and one out. A.J. grounded out to the first baseman and advanced the runners to second and third with two outs for Juan Uribe (if the game weren't so close I'd point out how his name sounds like "Won Your Ebay" then probably make a joke about someone who saying "Congratulations! You Juan Uribe bid, and are the proud owner of a refurbished iPod!" but not now). Uribe flew out to right field to end the inning.

White Sox 1, Twins 0. Danks at 93 pitches
***********************************************************

8th Inning

Top: One pitch one out. Delmon Young flew out to right. Brian Anderson replaced Griffey in centerfield. Twins manager Ron Gardenhire can't be thrilled that Young swung at the first pitch in this situation. Brendan Harris singled to left field. That's Minnesota's second hit of the night, he's on first with one out. Matt Tolbert is pinch running for Harris. Danks is over 100 pitches. Double play!!!! The 6-4-3 variety. The White Sox got out of the inning unscathed. Danks finished the inning with his pitch count at 103.

Bottom: Defensively, Tolbert takes over Harris' duties at 3B. Both closers- Joe Nathan and Bobby Jenks- are up in the bullpen. Or as the Sox announcer, Hawk "The Hick" Harrelson calls him "BubbyJinxssss". Cabrera and Wise are retired without much of an incident.

Pitching Change: Joe Nathan comes in with two outs to face Jermaine Dye. Dye singles to left center, bringing Jim Thome to the plate. Alarmingly, the crowd didn't forget that Thome hit a home run last at-bat, and gives him a huge ovation. Thome just swung and missed on a 0-1 pitch, he's swinging out of his shoes again. I'm thinking he's either gonna strike out or hit an HR here. I was wrong, Thome flew out to left center to end the inning.

Sox 1, Twins 0. Last chance for the Twins coming up....
***************************************************
9th Inning

Top: Jenks is on to close it. Jason Kubel is pinch hitting for Carlos Gomez (the 9th hittier) to lead it off. To follow him will be the top of the order- Span and Casilla. Kubel strikes out swinging. One out. Denard Span is now at the plate. Span grounds out. Minnesota is down to their last out.
Brian Anderson made a fully-laid out. diving catch to end the Game. Sox Win!!! Sox Win!!! Sox Win!!!


White Sox win 1-0. John Danks gets the win, and Nick Blackburn is the tough-luck loser, and Jenks gets the save.

Both Chicago teams are in the playoffs.


Twins: 0 runs 2 Hits O Errors (I guess that wasn't a throwing error earlier like I said)
Sox: 1 5 hits 0 Errors

HR: Thome (34)

Tuesday Afternoon Cat Coke Poster

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


While I don't promise the use of cocaine, or the use of cats, I still think this poster is funny.




Now go home and do coke off a hooker's ass! Don't do hard drugs, everybody!

Wondering If Your Congressmen Sucks?

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Here's the list of the 228 Congressmen that voted "No" on the bailout bill HR 3997 yesterday (the list including the YES votes can be found here). The "No" list could also be titled "Congressional Suck List" because whatever partisan squabblers voted against this have no idea what's going on and is another indelible example of why this congress has an approval rating of 10%. Kudos are also not in order for John McCain who, so maverick-ly suspended his campaign to pass this bill, failed to rally his party enough to pass this bill. Maybe if you'd been in Hanoi for longer, you'd have more respect among your own party, or something. Thanks for coming out, John. Better luck with political posturing next time, I guess.

One can be certain that this was a case of political egos getting put before the best interest of their constituents, because Sen. Minority Leader John Boehner cited House Speaker Pelosi's partisan speech as a reason the vote was killed. With that language, Boehner is saying that the no votes were out of spite, and not some fundamental disagreement with the bill. What a scrotum. Oddly, Boehner voted for the bill to pass, yet failed to express disappoint when it did no pass. Way to cover all angles, Johnny. Have fun waiting for a spine and/or balls donor, because it's obvious you have neither.

Thanks to Boehner and other iconoclasts of logic, we've successfully told the rest of the world that America is finished being the economic leaders of the world.

So here's the list. Republicans are in italics, Democrats in standard Roman font, and Independents are underlined.


NAY 228

Abercrombie Aderholt Akin Alexander Altmire Baca Bachmann Barrett (SC) Barrow Bartlett (MD) Barton (TX) Becerra Berkley Biggert Bilbray Bilirakis Bishop (UT) Blackburn Blumenauer Boustany Boyda (KS) Braley (IA) Broun (GA) Brown-Waite, Ginny Buchanan Burgess Burton (IN) Butterfield Buyer Capito Carney Carson Carter Castor Cazayoux Chabot Chandler Childers Clay Cleaver Coble Conaway Conyers Costello Courtney Cuellar Culberson Cummings Davis (KY) Davis, David Davis, Lincoln Deal (GA) DeFazio Delahunt Dent Diaz-Balart, L. Diaz-Balart, M. Doggett Doolittle Drake Duncan Edwards (MD) English (PA) Fallin Feeney Filner Flake Forbes Fortenberry Foxx Franks (AZ) Frelinghuysen Gallegly Garrett (NJ) Gerlach Giffords

Gillibrand Gingrey Gohmert Goode Goodlatte Graves Green, Al Green, Gene Grijalva Hall (TX) Hastings (WA) Hayes Heller Hensarling Herseth Sandlin Hill Hinchey Hirono Hodes Hoekstra Holden Hulshof Hunter Inslee Issa Jackson (IL) Jackson-Lee (TX) Jefferson Johnson (GA) Johnson (IL) Johnson, Sam Jones (NC) Jordan Kagen Kaptur Keller Kilpatrick King (IA) Kingston Knollenberg Kucinich Kuhl (NY) Lamborn Lampson Latham LaTourette Latta Lee Lewis (GA) Linder Lipinski LoBiondo Lucas Lynch Mack Manzullo Marchant Matheson McCarthy (CA) McCaul (TX) McCotter McHenry McIntyre McMorris Rodgers Mica Michaud Miller (FL) Miller (MI) Mitchell Moran (KS) Murphy, Tim Musgrave Myrick Napolitano Neugebauer Nunes

Ortiz Pascrell Pastor Paul Payne Pearce Pence Peterson (MN) Petri Pitts Platts Poe Price (GA) Ramstad Rehberg Reichert Renzi Rodriguez Rogers (MI) Rohrabacher Ros-Lehtinen Roskam Rothman Roybal-Allard Royce Rush Salazar Sali Sánchez, Linda T. Sanchez, Loretta Scalise Schiff Schmidt Scott (GA) Scott (VA) Sensenbrenner Serrano Shadegg Shea-Porter Sherman Shimkus Shuler Shuster Smith (NE) Smith (NJ) Solis Stark Stearns Stupak Sullivan Sutton Taylor Terry Thompson (CA) Thompson (MS) Thornberry Tiahrt Tiberi Tierney Turner Udall (CO) Udall (NM) Visclosky Walberg Walz (MN) Wamp Watson Welch (VT) Westmoreland Whitfield (KY) Wittman (VA) Woolsey Wu Yarmuth Young (AK) Young (FL)

A Few Things to De-Lame-ify Your Workday

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

One time my buddy The Diamond and I were jobless and I was crashing on the couch of he and our mutual friend. We were broke, had nothing to do and no money to do it with, our spirits were kinda low and we spent a lot of time trying to amuse ourselves with random crap found on television (GUTS on Nickelodeon, Even Stevens on Disney, American Gladiators, etc.) and the internet. Specifically, one particular YouTube clip, and two sound-byte pages.

The YouTube video is this. (it's probably NSFW, as it contains one dirty word).





The two sound-byte pages are the following:

Napoleon Dynamite: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/ndsound

John Wayne: http://www.aeonity.com/ab/soundboards/celebrity/john-wayne.php

(for your benefit there are similar pages for other funny tv/movie characters: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/soundboard/)


The links featured above are pages with a bunch of funny soundbytes from Napoleon Dynamite and John Wayne movies. When you click on a phrase, it plays that audio clip from the movie.
So what the Diamond and I did was bring up both of these pages in separate browser windows (You can do this by right clicking the links then by selecting "Open link in new window"). Then we'd go back and forth between pages and try to make conversations between Napoleon and John Wayne. Some recommendable examples are:


ND: Did you take a dump in your bed last night?
JW: Unfortunately, Yes
*********************

JW: Well sister, the time has come for me to ride hard and fast
ND: Pedro Offers you his protection
JW: Take Down your Pants
ND: Lucky!!
JW: Are you gonna take down your pants or do I have to do it for ya?
ND: Yesssss
JW: You aint such an early bird, yourself
************************************

JW: Short, fiesty fella, nervous, quick gotta messed-up lower lip
ND: But my lips hurt real bad
**************************

If you get bored you should check it out and poke around, it's pretty amusing.


Lastly, this YouTube video is a doozie.

Cool Mullet Luke

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


The last time I blogged a formal tribute was when the pilot of the Enola Gay, Paul Tibbets died. Today is the day for my #2. Let me rephrase that: Today is the day for my second formal tribute.

Paul Newman died today. He starred in Cool Hand Luke. Cool Hand Luke gave us the word "mullet". So to honor Paul Newman's life, I plan on taking a trip down Mullet Memory Lane. Won't you join me?





(note: I lifted every single one of these from www.mulletsgalore.com)

The Battle Hymn of the Republic: Alternate Lyrics

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com




Glory! Glory Hole-allelujah! Glory! Glory hole-allelujah!


Good luck getting that out of your head.

Best Song and Video POSSIBLE

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

No Panties On by Wax-A-Million. You're welcome in advance.
(Medical Disclaimer: If you are awesomeness intolerant, you should not watch this video)




You're welcome.

This is the best for several obvious reasons, but I will point out a few minor nuances that you maybe didn't pick up on during your first viewing.

1. That white chick is the worst lip-snycher since Ashlee Simpson.

2. When Wax-A-Million is in front of his crew of friends rapping, the tall, lanky guy with the afro in the powder blue longsleeve looks a LOT like Dave Chappelle (you can see him pretty clearly at the :45 and 2:56 marks).

3. It does a great job of showcasing the joys and glamour (with a "u") of twerking.

4. When I first saw this video in 2003 on BET's UnCut, I swear to God and Baby Jesus that the title of the song was "Panty's On The Dancefloor" and it was spelled incorrectly, just like how I have it there (update: I just found a link to it here).


UPDATE: You can find the video of the remix here. This video certainly has a very, very high budget. When I called Gloria Steinam to ask her if the rumor is true that she wrote the remix and directed the video, she did not answer. Sounds like a non-denial to me. On Sunday this video celebrates its one-year anniversary! Happy Anniversary, Wax-A-Million!



See Also: The intentionally hilarious (I'm pretty sure) Günther

The Opposite of Superfluous: Günther
More Günther
More More Günther

Marquis Mark and the Fukudome Bunch Win Again

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


The Cubs kicked the Brewers' hiney again today. Ted Lilly took a no-hitter into the 7th, Kosuke Fukudome got a hit somehow (a home run, no less), Carlos Marmol looked strong out of the pen, Jason Marquis looked just as comfortable crapping the bed out of the bullpen as he does crapping the bed as a starter, and the Cubs' B-team held off the pesky Brewers in Milwonky.

I hope Lou's strategy of benching all of his marquee players doesn't leave them rusty for the playoffs, but other than that it looks like Captain Lou is keeping the Big Blue Train on the rails.

Curlin Is a Richer Racehorse Than You Are

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

By winning the Jockey Club Gold Cup on Saturday at Belmont Park, Curlin became the richest race horse in North American history, and the only to surpass the $10 million mark.

In this video of Saturday's race Curlin's jockey is in the yellow silks. The announcer is the legendary Tom Durkin, my favorite sports announcer in any sport.




This video is arguably Curlin's most impressive performance. He wins the world's richest race, The $6 million Dubai World Cup, by 7 and 3/4 lengths. Watch toward the end how Curlin accelerates like a car and just blows by the two horses in front of him.

Why Closers Shouldn't Win the MVP

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

The closer in baseball has one job: Protect the lead. They work only when their team has a lead, so their job is dependent upon the position players. If the position players never gave their team the lead, they would have no need for a closer. So all the closer can possibly strive to do, is protect the great work done by position players. How can protecting something be considered more important than creating it?

Giving a closer the MVP is like saying a security guard at the Sistine Chapel is more important than Michelangelo, because the security guard protects the ceiling from being defaced.

You Houston Nutt on my Ol' Miss?

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Since I made some puerile jokes yesterday regarding college football players, I'll do the same today, but for coaches. It's always good to see Houston Nutt's name in the news, as his Ole Miss Running Rebels upset Florida today, 31-30.

Florida Houston Nutt thinking about their national championship prospects. But now they Nutt while doing the cry and wap, a la Naomi Watts in Mulholland Drive.

(the latter link isn't super safe for work. I'd say it's R rated)

The Lost Tapes from the Snakes On a Plane Audition

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


This is the Snakes on a Plane audition video for Christopher Walken, Jack Nicholson, Joe Pesci and Robert DeNir . Some people claim that this isn't the real tape of their auditions, but I know it is. It's a doozie.



I don't mean nobody no disrespect, but I thought you should know: if you're on my website, you got an Awesomeness addiction. You do....you do.......you do.

Upon Further Review, I Found Out Why USC Lost Last Night

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


After a stunning loss to Oregon State last night, I decided to conduct some research of my own in order to find out exactly what happened to USC. While more "credible" college football pundits took to reviewing game film, scrutinizing USC play-calling, and questioning defensive formations, I employed more oblique research. While the "credible" establishment still has not agreed on the cause of the collapse, I have: Mark Sanchez Booty is from Mission-of the A-hole, CA.

Even though his actual name is Mark Sanchez, I like to think that being the starting QB at USC adds an honorary surname of "Booty" to your existing last name, much how like when you join the Ramones, you change your last name to Ramone. The genesis of this theory was when QB John David Booty succeeded Matt Leinart at USC. Since Mr. Booty was filling some big shoes, the media was all abuzz about covering John David Booty, and fitting John David Booty into every news story in any way possible. You went from never having heard of the guy to hearing his name 75 times a day, and it's a name that sticks in your head. It was Booty overload.

(NOTE: My rule of thumb for naming kids has always been 1) Stick with 2 names and not 3, and, 2) If you absolutely must use 3 names, make sure none of those names is "Booty".)

Now that the John David Booty Era has drawn to a close, USC has ushered in the Mark Sanchez Booty era, and Mr. New Booty is from Mission of the A-hole, California. That's obviously why they lost last night to Oregon State. Good luck with that the rest of the season, USC.

Maury Povich's Dream Episode

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



How come MauPo has only three topics for his shows? I bet he fantasizes about combining them into one, two-hour long show and having it on prime time. . If he did that the show would be a paternity test between two drills sergeants at a teen boot camp facility, and they'd be testing to see who's the rightful father of a morbidly obese 15 month old, mothered by white trash. Maybe then the actual father would be taken away to some kind of boot camp for new dads. Maury would host this show while wearing a cashmere v-neck, by the way.


UPDATE: The comment left by Anonymous and upon the recommendation of a friend of mine have made me realize I need to add another dimension to this. MauPo needs to find a way to include a subplot with a trashy teen who wants to get K.U.'d or, as anonymous mentioned, has had "relations" with a significant number of much older men.

Developing.......