The Rules of Remote Handling

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Over the years I have observed a lot of awful handling of the television remote control. In college, my roommates and I took Remote Handling (AKA: Remotesmanship) very seriously and set up a few rules. Since I graduated from school I realized saldy that no one else seemed to take this form of modern performance art nearly as seriously as we did. Much like ping-pong, wiffle-ball and euchre, every household is entitled to their own House Rules, but there ought to be a few ground rules in place. The problem is that most people know that such ground rules even exist. I'm here to help.

The following list is the WhereAwesomeHappens Recommended Rules and Etiquette Of Remote Handling. Interlaced in the list will be a few personal strategies and terms that you will find useful.


1) The Anchor Channel- This is your primary show, and you can have only one at a time. The point of Remote Handling is to find the best show that's on television, stick to it and watch it. This show's tv channel is your Anchor Channel. This may sound painfully rudimentary, but it is violated far too frequently. Too often I'll notice that people have no direction to their remote handling, and they have no end-game strategy. They just flip channels aimlessly and mistakenly believe that the objective of the Remote Handler is watch every show for a little while, or simply to pass time. This is THE cardinal sin of Remote Handling. The Remote Handler that does not have an Anchor Channel is known as A Dog Without a Home. The most effective way to avoid being a Dog Without a Home is to find your anchor channel as early as possible. This brings me to point #2.

2) The Preliminary Scroll-Through- When your show ends on what was your previous Anchor Channel it's time to find a new show. The way to do this is the Preliminary Scroll-Through. This is where at the beginning of the hour (or half-hour) you quickly scroll through your channel guide (if you have digital cable), or briefly check out every channel for a bit to get a lay of the land, and get a feel for what's on. Once you become aware of all the shows that are on at the time, you pick your Anchor Channel and stick with it.

3) Another rule for good Remote Handling is to avoid all commercials. The trick to doing this is also found in the Preliminary Scroll-Through. In addition to you Anchor Channel, you also need to find your Backup Channel during the PST, which is of course your second-favorite choice of programming. After establishing your Anchor and Backup Channels, you need to make sure that your Backup Channel is set as your "Last" button, or "Previous Channel" or however it is labeled on your remote control. Then when the program on your anchor channel goes to commercial, you simply click your "Last/Recall/Previous" button and you're avoiding commercials with your second choice. (Hint: Since most regular tv shows have commercial breaks at similar intervals, having sports or a movie as your backup channel increases the likelihood that you will avoid commercials while your Anchor Channel is at commercial)


4) Being Aware of Surroundings- In order to be a good Remote Handler, you must first be a gentleman. Well, kind of. You need to be considerate of those around you and your surroundings. For instance, if you're handling the remote and you stumble upon the middle of The Hunt for Red October, or any drama movie for that matter, but your four buddies haven't seen, it's a douche move to watch it. Nothing sucks worse than when your buddy is like "Oh sweet! I love this movie....You haven't seen it? Oh...It's awesome, here's what you missed...." Then poorly sets up the first 40 minutes of the movie and forces you to sit through the last hour. A rule at my house is you can't start watching the middle of a drama movie that not everyone has seen. As a genre, drama movies work because their beginning and middle set up the characters and the plot and the ending ties it all together, or reveals the mystery. The ending can be appreciated only from viewing the beginning and the middle. You cannot appreciate the ending without having seen all of the set up. This isn't the case with comedies; it's possible to have never heard of Ace Ventura yet still enjoy the antics of Jim Carrey even though you're ignorant of the overarching plot, theme, and characterization. You can begin watching the middle of a comedy that not everyone has seen, but you cannot do so for a drama.

Another environmental factor to consider is noise. If you're at a party, or there's music going, or you're handling the remote at a bar, you need to go with a show that's more visually oriented. Examples include, but are not limited to: sports, Wheel of Fortune, Jackass, Hole In the Wall, or America's Funniest Home Videos. While The Office is an outstanding show, you need sound to appreciate it. You'll find that most of the good shows to watch at these times are more often than not either game shows, sports, or physical comedy. You'll be much popular at a bar if you change it to America's Funniest Home Videos during happy hour, than if you flip it to The Notebook and try to hush everyone up while you tell them what they've missed so far.


5) 3 Strikes and You're Out. Sometimes the Remote Handler just doesn't have it. When you make a bad selection, maybe from trying a new show, or something your audience (i.e. the people watching with you that constitute your Remote Handling Constituency) feels was a bad decision, they may give you a Strike. Once you accrue three of them, you must then pass the remote to someone else. A classic example of strikes I have witnessed: My buddy caught the Discovery Channel during a child birth one time. Other examples include: operations, unsightly women from HBO's Real Sex series, the discovery channel showing an 800 lb. dude, or when your buddy sees a hot chick, puts the remote down and says "Whoa, what's this show?" then you realize that chick is a tranny. In very, very rare and unfortunate cases you may assess all three strikes at once.


6) Backseat Remote Handling- This name is derived from "Backseat Driver" a term we're all familiar with. However, unlike it's vehicular namesake, not all Backseat Remote Handling is inherently bad. Sometimes the Backseat Remote Handler will make a good suggestion during commercial time because they remembered something from the Preliminary Scroll-Through that the Remote Handler had forgot. The Handler does not always have to heed the Backseat advice, but sometimes it can be a Godsend. On the rare instance where the Backseat Handler advises a show that warrants the assessment of a Strike, that goes on the record of the Remote Handler. Some of the best Remote Handling I have ever witnessed has been Backseat Remote Handling. I always took great pride in being regarded as the best Backseat Remote Handler of my friends. Think of as the Remote Handler's wingman.


7) Natural Remote Handling- This is when your Anchor Channel and Backup Channel are on consecutive channels (e.g. They're on channels 37 and 38). This is the purist form of Remote Handling and gets its name from hockey's Natural Hat Trick. As you probably already know a hat trick is where one player scores three goals in a game. But the more gentlemanly achievement is the Natural Hat Trick, where that player records three goals in a row.


8) Rules of Remote Retention- This one really depends upon your house rules. Some people have alleged that upon leaving the room, the Remote Handler must give the remote to someone else. This rule arose because we would find that selfish remote handlers would take the remote control with them into the restroom or into the kitchen (or both). Then we mandated that the remote was not to leave the family room. This lead to two things: 1) before leaving the room, the remote handler would hide the remote control somewhere (in the cushions of the couch, under the couch, in a potted plant, etc.), OR upon leaving the room, the Handler would give his successor the remote by hurling it at his unsuspecting junk. (Hint: If you do adopt this rule and you're Handling and have to leave the room for some reason, it's best to try to leave in the middle of something suspenseful so your constituents are too focused on the television to notice that the remote is up for grabs)


9) Ways to Express Pleasure In One's Remote Handling- This is perhaps my favorite form of self-expression. Once the Remote Handler comes across a great find like The Goonies, or a Chris Rock special, it's commonplace for them to exude some form of joy as a result. Classic examples include saying, "Oh fuck yes!", "THAT'S how you handle a remote!", or a simple crotch chop. My go-to celebration was always to blow on the top of the remote in the same manner that Old West gunslingers would blow the smoke off of their revolver after shooting someone. Another popular expression was borrowed from Tony Sinclair's commercials and was simply, "I'm T.R. Slyder, and that's how Tangueray". In time I am sure you will find one that works for you and equally amuses and annoys your constituents as they look upon you and your achievements with jealousy.