Friday, September 19, 2008

Polekat $lim's Fast Food Friday

A buddy of mine has decided to take the plunge/forego his dignity and do some writing for WhereAwesomeHappens. He writes under the name Polekat $lim, and I'm not going to tell you whether that's a pseudonym or not. I think you'll enjoy his smart-assed, if irreverent viewpoints, the magnitude of his annoyances with certain things, and the occasional arbitrary nature of his annoyances. While he may come off at first as kind of condescending, I assure you, he's that way after a while too.

Note: When he sent this to me it was centered, so I'm keeping it centered to preserve his artistic vision.

By: Polekat $lim

So……I decided to start the day with the one thing that makes every fat kid feel good. McDonalds breakfast.

So I go inside, because the drive thru was moving about as fast as me on a Saturday morning. Okay, what the f* is up with fast food these days? Does anyone ever question the system in place at one of these places? How many people does it take to make a damn Egg McMuffin?, I mean, I'm surprised they didn't have the damn chicken back there. I tried to stare around the beast that was taking my order, whose teeth were growing out of her lips, and I swear there were like thirty Oompa-Loompas all engaged in some sort of tribal deep-frying ritual that had to do with anything BUT getting my hash browns. On top of that, every person on the damn register had to call a manager over. Last time I checked, the keys on a fast food register had the food names on them, and I wouldn't be surprised to see pictures too. Apparently, the IQ of some of these people is so low you can't test it, you have to dig for it. I say this because nowhere in the English language (And I think this includes white-kid-gangsta-ebonics) does the phrase "Egg McMuffin" sound anything like "Breakfast Burrito". And I swear if I get cut off in line by one more bitchy parent complaining that their kid already has this week's toy and they want a new one, I'm gonna go postal.

And does anyone ever notice how they never give you napkins if your order is to go? I mean, does this make sense? Everytime I get a to-go order at some deep-fried animal fat chain restaurant, it's because I'm in a hurry. Now, I guess I understand the principle of keeping the line moving, efficiency is a great business principle. But when there are six bags on the counter, with receipts next to them and every ten seconds, another B-Rabbit-looking 8 Mile reject pokes his head into those bags, do you think it would be too much to ask his tricked out Saturn driving ass to throw a few napkins in?

Same thing with drinks. Apparently, while in the midst of worshiping the fry gods, no one has the time to fill a damn drink. I now have to turn around and wait for some old geezer to find the coffee pot that seems like it's been out the least amount of time, or wait while some soccer mom encourages her Satan spawn to get his own drink. What the fuck??!! Yeah lady your kid is cute, but if he stops to turn around and talk to you while he's filling his orange drink to ask if he can get cookies one more time, I'm gonna punt him into the janitor bucket that the handicapped guy is using to mop the floor.

Mopping the floor where people are standing, mind you.

So I finally get my drink, Take my Egg Mc-Burrito, slip on the floor on my way out and leave...

Maybe dieting won't be that hard this year.....

And I still forgot to get fucking napkins........

Polekat $lim is far from lovin it

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