The Worst News Headline That I see Every Week

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I've sounded off before about the "duh" nature of the commonly seen, "Middle East Peace Talks Fail", but that at least is news with some merit, even if it is predictable. But there is a new headline that I've been seeing more and more of that is as inane as it is, self-perpetuating.

"Oldest Person In the World Dies"

Who the fuck is going to care about that? No one knows or cares who the current oldest living person is, so who is going to care when they die? Furthermore, what could be less surprising news? Why not just say, "Most likely person to die, dies"? or, "Most Predictable Death Possible Occurs"?

Is the well-being of the oldest living person really anyone's hot-button topic? We all know someone who has a specific thing they look for in the newspaper- Sports, Obituaries, comics, political news, real estate news, the stock prices, etc. Is anyone's primary concern, or intellectual curiousity really how the oldest person in the world is doing?

Why just people? Why stop there? How about headlines like, "Most dilapidated old barn in Indiana collapses", "Makeshift tree fort made in the 1970's that has been rotting and ignored since 1978 finally falls apart", or "Worlds oldest newspaper clipping so yellow and crinkley that it's unreadable", or "World's oldest transistor radio stops working"? Why aren't those newsworthy?

Short of a scientific or mathematical certainty, what could possibly be more predictable/less surprising/less news worthy than "Oldest Person In the World Dies"? Is that appreciably more entertainingg or surprising than, "Ball Thrown Upward, Lands"?

And besides, it's called the news not the olds. HELLO-OOOOO.