T.R. Slyder's Theory of Qualitative Absolute Value

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Quick Algebra refresher: The Absolute Value of a number is just it's value away from 0. It's really easy. 7's absolute value is 7. 19's is 19. Etc. This gets "tricky" with negative numbers. You just take away the negativeness. -37's absolute value is 37. You know how it works. Not complicated.

My previous column regarding crap is a great example of my Theory of Qualitative Absolute Value. My theory It combines mathematical absolute value with the axiom (I didn't make it up, but don't know did) "The opposite of love is not hate; it's apathy." Videos like "I aint got no panties on" are awful, and probably score about a -10 on the, -10 to 10 scale. According to my theory then, that video is a 10. And I agree.

Things can be "awesomely bad" or so unfunny that they are hilarious. What you don't want is something that elicits no response from you. Something that just isn't funny, but not SO unfunny that it's funny. For instance, on the -10 to 10 scale, if you hear a joke that's sooo bad it's a -8, that's WAY better than hearing a joke that's a 2. For instance a 2 would be like: "Why did the chicken cross the road?", and a -8 would be "A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his groin. When they bartender says, 'Say buddy, you know you have a steering wheel attached to your, uh, pants, right?' the Pirate replies, 'Arrrgh. I do. It's drivin me nuts". Sure the -8 is worse, but it's also way better.

Same way how old, b-level horror movies where you can see the boom mics in the shot are way better than that movie with Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz eloping in Vegas.

I hope this posting encourages you to go out and do something dumb today.