The Skillz to Slang the Grillz

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

If there is one thing I truly care about, it's plug-in kitchen appliances that are endorsed by retired athletes. I have never understood the rationale of people who purchase kitchen items that are not endorsed by them. I am also a staunch believer in the converse- I purchase only athletic wear that is sponsored by chefs. You can imagine how many compliments my Emeril Lagasse spandex have received over the years, or the jealousy in the eyes of people who see me in my Paula Deen running shorts.

Everyone knows the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Fighting Grilling Machine, but not everyone knows about the others. This is where I am not actually being sarcastic any more. Here's a look at the purveyors of "Fauxman Grills".

1. Hulk Hogan's Ultimate Grill.

Nothing about this infomercial is not uncomfortable to watch. Horrible acting by the Hulkster, and his family was even worse somehow. It's obvious Hulk did not study marketing in college because one of the first lessons they teach you is that when your product's sales rely upon Brooke Hogan's ability to ad-lib marketing ideas, your sales are going to suck.

Surprisingly, this grill actually appears to be pretty legit. The interchanging grill plates and flip-top lid are great ideas. I understand how a kitchen appliance company would want to copy the Foreman grill, but what I don't get is why they think they also need a has-been athlete to hock it. If it were just called something like "The Ultimate Kitchen Counter Grill" I'd give it a shot, but once it has Hulk Hogan's name affixed to it, something inside of you just says "Oh." and assumes it's just a knock-off.



2. Evander Holyfield's Real Deal Grill

This one seems extremely similar to Hulk's. I wasn't able to find out whose came out first, so I can't say who copied who. Evander didn't have spots on YouTube to peddle his wares but he does have a website you can find here, that features a highly informative video spot. You'll see that it's exactly like Hulk's. The one legitimizing thing in Holyfield's corner (Boxing pun bonus!) is that he does have that website. Neither Hulk nor, the grill I feature next have their own website which just adds to their sketchiness.





3. Deion Sanders' Hot Dog Express


This is just bad. Both the video quality and the concept.




Finally! Someone took all the thinking out of cooking/reheating hot dogs. Since the average home chef doesn't have the fancy accoutrement like a frying pan or a pot that boils water, this machine allows you to actually re-heat readymade hot dogs from your own kitchen. And it takes up only half of your counter space! Not only that but all the fat is drained away during the cooking process! That's especially helpeful since we simply do not have the technology available right now to remove fat from hot dogs any other way. Maybe in the future someone will invent something like a "paper towel" if you will, and then devise a procedure like patting down a cooked hot dog to remove its residual fat. But until that day comes, this grill is the only possible way to do that.

This grill is the perfect example of something my grandfather once told me on a fishing trip, "When you get older and start a family and realize that you want to serve them unhealthy processed meats on a regular basis and decide to invest in a hot dog cooker, make sure it's endorsed by a man who once had a jeri curl. That's the most reliable predictor of it's quality. I just wished someone had told me that when I was your age."