Sunday, September 21, 2008

Polekat $lim: A Brief History of American Fatassedness

By: Polekat $lim


Goddamn we're lazy...

You know, America is a country based on convenience, but I think we've gone a little too far with some of this stuff.. I mean, how lazy can we actually get?

See it started some generations ago with TV dinners.... People come home from work and are too tired to make a full course meal, so they throw everything together in an easily microwavable tray and try to convince people it tastes relatively similar to real food.. Not a bad idea... Not very good, but not a bad idea, nonetheless.. By the way, what the hell, exactly, is a Salisbury Steak? Did this actually exist before the advent of TV dinner or was it a name conjured up by Stouffers to dress up dog food grade beef? I mean, "Salisbury Steak" does sound better than "Salisbury Horse", but I digress....

Next we get to washer/dryer combos in the same unit, DVD/VCR, sometimes installed IN the TV, Swiss Army knives (another useless invention because all anyone ever uses are the knife and scissors, and loses the toothpick and tweezers) and all kinds of other multifunctional pieces of shit that throw everything we need into one portable device..

Shit, the other day I was at the liquor store... yeah I know, no surprise, and I couldn't believe what all was prepackaged.. Is it really that hard to mix vodka and juice? I understand a Long Island Ice Tea, you don't always wanna carry around four or five liquors and mixers, but a Screwdriver??!!!

In high school it was that jar of peanut butter and jelly that was pre-mixed... I thought that was the epitome of laziness. I mean, how hard is it to make a peanut-butter-and-jelly-sandwich people? What's next? Are we just gonna' throw some croutons in the jar and eat the sandwich through a fucking straw? I mean, my girlfriend in college didn't realize the first time she made mac and cheese that you were supposed to drain the water before you mixed the cheese powder.... THAT was pretty fucking stupid... But even she wasn't too brain dead to know how to make a fucking PB&J sandy...

Now they've got these "cereal bars" with dehydrated milk coatings? Huh? did I miss something? Are we too lazy or in too much of a hurry to even make and eat a bowl of cereal? I mean, damn. I think if there were a way to make water even more convenient (other than bottling it and quadrupling the price) Someone's gonna market it.. I know, the Dasani IV, so you don't even need to pick up the bottle, you just plug in and adjust the drip....

Oh, but it gets worse...

So I'm sitting around watching TV and I see a KFC commercial. You probably know that KFC now has a "Bowl thingee".. It's a bowl of mashed potatoes, with a couple spoonfuls of corn, topped with chunks of fried pseudo chicken, then cheese melted on top.....

What the hell??!!! Are we that lazy people? Are we in too much of a hurry to just throw all of our lunch/dinner into a bowl and scarf it? I mean, it's all mixed coming out, but really... It doesn't have to be that way going in..... does it? This takes lack of effort, creativity, and just overall dignity out of a meal, as well as corporate marketing.... Picture this board meeting.....

"Shit people, we are running out of ways to sell various kinds of chicken and sides and we're losing valuable ground.... What are your ideas?"

"How about we NOT sell something new, but take what we sell now and throw it all in a bowl so people don't have to waste valuable energy moving their arm and fork to another bowl......"

"Brilliant.... get on it..."

But it's not just KFC... Look at McDonald's and Burger King... Take your pancakes, french toast, sausage, bacon, whatever and just make a sandwich out of the whole breakfast....

I swear, I'm waiting for the damn burger that has the fries as a topping, so you can just take your whole meal down in a few bites... Salsa with chips in the jar, soup and salad in the same bowl...

And the worst part about this is that you're paying someone to make it for you.. So now you are not only making an excuse for why you are to lazy to make your food from separate containers, but you're too lazy to even eat it from a separate container...

Maybe with all the time people save by not actually having to make food, or even pause to switch entrees, they could do some running or something to shave off some of that lard.....

Yeah I still doubt it...

Still phat, still greezey,

Polekat $lim





2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. (Dollar sign)Lim,

I take issue with your most recent post, which delt with American Laziness. I am a traveling salesman and have to deal with the struggles of seeing as many clients from 9-5 as I can. Therefore my use of time is very important. Now, because I'm on the road most of the day, I often find myself having to use public restrooms. While I didn't necessarily mind stopping and getting out of my car, walking into a highway rest stop, restaurant, or gas station, I found I could save considerable time and effort if I just used "Depends". Sure, you may think I'm lazy, but for me, it just saves time. The time I save driving AND doing the #1 and #2 has proven to be invaluable. My boss has already noticed the increased amount of clients I'm seeing!! But I won't tell him how, for fear he might feel the same way you do Mr. Pole, that I'm lazy. F You! Mr. Pole.

Soon to be calling the BBB said...

Anonymous, and everyone else reading this,

Re: Anonymous' last post

Do NOT purchase and/or use the new Depends Thongs. What they may make up for in discretion they lack in absorption. In fact, they really don't work very well at all. Talk about false advertising.