I Try to Avoid These Kinds of Posts

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I try not to do celebrity gossip stuff on my blog, but I couldn't pass this up. I was reading this from NY Post's PageSix. If you don't click the link, don't worry, I'll cut and paste as well. It's an article about Lindsay Lohan's dad being a total screwup and saying really awful things about Samantha Ronson to stay in the news. I couldn't care less if they're true or not because they are objectively hilarious, regardless of their validity. Humor me an example. These are the first three paragraphs.

September 24, 2008 --

Lindsay Lohan wants her father to just shut up - especially since Michael Lohan furiously scratched an e-mail to X17online the other day, calling Lohan's girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, "dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity."

In the e-mail posted on Sunday, Michael wrote, "I don't believe that the recent blogs posted by 'Lindsay' were written by her" and touted, "There is a lot more to Samantha than meets the eye. Not that what we see is so pleasing anyway . . . what's with this 'person?' Look at the way she 'dresses.'

"Once more, she uses her middle finger more than she uses words. Have you ever seen her apartment? For God's sake, when she runs out of toilet paper she tells people to use the cardboard roll. (I was told this firsthand)."

Ok let's stop it right there.

Paragraph #1: I respect the word play. After careful review, I feel that it would be more pejorative to refer to her as "...disgusting representation of alleged humanity", if he said this off the top of his head it was brilliant. (or "spit it straight from the dome" as they say in the hip-hop world). I thought about it for a good 30 seconds and could think to only modify it barely. Well done, Michael.

Paragraph #2: Using quotation marks around "person" to allege that she may, in fact, not be a person is juvenile, heartless, effective and hilarious. When was the last time you could say that something was all four of those things?? I'm excited just trying to think of something that fits all four criteria.

Paragraph #3: Again, hilarious. Sticking with theme of classless cruelty, a favorite of mine. Also again, couldn't care less if it's true or not. But, IF it is true- Samantha is ludicrously disgusting. And stupid- as if the cardboard is even a viable option. As though Mr. Lohan would say "Oh.... Huh, I never thought of that. Genius!" If he really did run out of the last of your toilet paper, instead of the cardboard suggestion you may as well just apologize or say "Sorry, bro. Just hop in the shower, I guess." Because he's in a lot of trouble.

But by far the best of all of this is that Mr. Lohan is plopping in his daughter's girlfriend's apartment!!!! Seriously, WHO does that? (Oh right people from New Jersey). Seriously though, "Hi Samantha, nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you. Say, where's your crapper?" or was it "Hi Sam, I've heard a lot about you and I can't wait to hear more.....after I drop anchor in your potty." I know I would be pretty psyched if I had my new girlfriend's old man over to hang out and he just went straight to stinking my john. That's awful. But furthermore, he has the stones to lay cable at his daughter's girlfriend's place AND the stupidity to not check for ample toilet paper before he starts his business!!! What a renaissance man.

PLUS, That entire paragraph was based on the assumption that Mr. Lohan was telling the truth. I wouldn't be surprised if that story were 100% false. BUT that means that in an attempt to besmirch Samantha's character, he lied about crapping in her apartment!!! If you're gonna make up a lie, why include that unsavory particular? That's like if I lied to my buddy about how I bedded a Victoria's Secret model and also mentioned how she laughed at size of my stuff. I mean, if you're gonna lie, at least make yourself look good.

But there's still some more fun to be had with this PageSix article: Lindsay's acerbic retort. She says some crap about how her dad's an a-hole and can't be trusted, and he should butt out of her life now because she's happy finally, etc. She then concludes that thought thusly:

"But they might as well let it go because their lies don't affect me anymore. Samantha is not evil, I care for her very much and she's a wonderful girl.

"She loves me, as I do her."

Great choice of last 7 words there, Linds. I won't tell you the joke that that last line of hers reminds me of. But I will link you to it, if you're of the lecherous sort: The third joke on this list. That list is VERY not safe for work. So not safe for work in fact, that the 6th joke down is really funny.