Thursday, September 4, 2008

15 Things I Never Want to see Again on Television

By: T.R. Slyder,

1. A recap of MTV video/movie awards show's most outrageous moments

2. American Idol. Why would I watch karaoke sung by 17 year old chicks and gay dudes? I think for a generation of young, gay males auditioning for American Idol is like the primer for coming out of the closet. It's a foolproof plan- If your parents suspected you were gay before, then your audition confirmed it. And if they never thought you might be gay, this plants the seed in their head and really softens the blow for if/when you do come out.

3. Any reality show where a camera crew follows around people who are neither famous, nor have an interesting job, and just watches them live their lives.

4. CNBC doing any more prison documentaries.

5. Any show on CNN, CNBC, MSNBC, or any ESPN show with more than two panelists/talking heads on the screen at one time. Especially when there are like four of them, all in different cities, but they manage to scream at one another thanks to the magic of television.

6.That guy who does the commericals for OxyClean. When will he finally scream for Grecian 5? It's pretty obvious he uses a lot of it. It just seems like such an obvious match that you get the feeling it's gonna happen.

7. Puffy Daddy starting a sentence with "Imma type-a guy that..", "I don't know about y'all, but I..." or any sentence starting with "I..." or any sentence where he talks about himself. I guess my point is, I don't want to see Puff Daddy again ever.

8. Hollywood Countdowns- like Hollywood's Hottest Body, or Hottest Hottie Over 40, or Hollywood's Hottest Bad Boys. Classy concept, guys- judge people's superficial qualities and then rank them, despite the subjects of the judging never consenting to being judged. Then make a show of that judging and target that show toward adolescents. Aren't these same media outlets that feign outrage when young girls are dressing too sexy? Then they pretend to be responsible and act shocked when young actresses and musicians have eating disorders or get plastic surgery. Then they rank who looks the most anorexic.

9. A countdown of the most outrageously shocking reality TV moments.

10. SportsCenter leading their newscast with a news story instead of showing sports highlights from that day. Permit me an example, "Cubs and Cardinals played earlier today, but first- we recap the status of Jorge Posada's possible surgery, cuz he's in the AL East. Then after that- how Theo Epstein's Autistic Uncle may or may not have made him who he is today. Afterward, Pedro Gomez, Barry Bonds, Bretty Favre, Chris Berman, Derek Jeter, T.O., Tiger Woods and Peyton Manning will all engage in a man daisy-chain. After a short commercial break, we'll hear Linda Cohn's opinion of those high school softball chicks that carried that other chick around the bases, then we'll have a pencil-neck nutsack give you a heads-up on what to look for in your 2014 Fantasy NFL Draft- in case the other guys in your fantasy league never watch ESPN. After a brief commerical break we'll preview the 2008 Winter X-Games with a highlight montage set to death-metal that no one listens to but whose label's parent company is the same as our own. After that we'll get our PTI guys (i.e. Wilbon + anyone that isn't Kornheiser) to break something down, followed shortly by Bob Ley taking the fun out of sports- this time talking about what the sacrifice bunt says about American Life post-WWI. Then we'll kick it to commerical...but when we come back...Stephen A.Hole Smith will shout unintelligably, then a few thoughts with Trey Wingo about the AFL and Poker. Then right after that- we'll get to those highlights from an extra-innings Cubs/Cardinals game. It was an amazing finish that you won't want to miss."

11. Golf on more than one channel at the same time. That includes the Golf Channel.

12. Local news giving you "World News in a Minute" Ya know what? How about goddamn "weather in a minute", and world news for 15 minutes?

13. Any reality show featuring anyone who currently lives in Los Angeles. Let me guess- all the women have had plastic surgery and are uneducated and shallow. The guys in that show are >85% gay and wear v-neck t-shirts comeplete with graffitti/tribal designs. We get it. Trust me. We get it. We also get that, even though the people on the show have had only 9 years of formal education they feel that somehow they understand the world in ways we never will. We have heard you loud and clear, now please stop doing television.

14. Next-Time-Won't-You-Sing-With-Me List Celebrity's Cribs. You won some dirt bike competition in 2003. I don't care what you've been up to or what's in your refrigerator.

15. Any court/judge show. Is this some kind of a joke that I'm not in on? Are those actual judges? These judges are the guardians of our liberty? Didn't America used to be ashamed of it's biggest losers and not shove television cameras in their face? When did this all change?

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