10 Worst Haircuts of All Time

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Top 10 Worst Haircuts of All Time




10. Michael Bolton


You just can't do that. Michael, you're balding, have a permy mullet (perm-mutation?), and sing wussy ballads- how about you just pick one of them and not all three? Thanks.




9. Donald Trump

Much like the mullet on the previous list, you knew this was going to be on here somewhere. We'll get it out of the way early. Imagine how much bigger his unjustifiable ego would be if he actually had a decent haircut. What a scrotum.



8. Billy Ray Cyrus

The Achey-Breaky Big Mistakey. Often imitated, never duplicated. History has smiled upon this as its Alpha Mullet and for good reason. Much like how John Hancock signed the Declaration of Independence so largely and visibly as to boast his defiance for King George III, so was Billy Ray's haircut screaming to the annals of mulletdom saying, "Go ahead history, try to pick someone other than me for best mullet of a all-time. I dare you." And so it is, Mr. Ray Cyrus, or Cyrus, or whatever it is. Well horrendously done, Billy!



7. Captain Kangaroo

Friendly man, frightening 'do. Let this be a lesson to people: If you spike your sideburns, you're gonna wind up on a bad-haircut list eventually. Oh Captain, My Captain....I'm sorry, but you left me no choice.





6. Rosie O'Donnell's Buzzed-sided 'do

Whenever an overweight woman visits a barber and tells him, "make me look like a cross between Eddie Furlong in Terminator 2 and Dolph Starbeam from the Simpsons." you know it's gonna be unfortunate. In certain intellectual circles this haircut has also been referred to as the, "I'm a lesbian! Do you hear me? A LESBIAN!!!"



5. Dog The Bounty Hunter

If there were a bounty on a good hair stylist, Dog would have to change his title. Actually, I take that back. I guess Dog could have literally hunted and killed the aforementioned stylist. That could explain his follicle debacle.






4. Rick James

Had I felt that he made his styling decisions while being of sound body and mind, he would have been closer to the top of this list. As it is, I gave him a slight pass. However, one factor that buoyed his ranking was the fact that he truly believed he was the sexiest bitch alive, and his hair was a major part of that. I respect that.


3. That Dude From Flock of Seagulls

I mean it's like a......Well apparently what he was thinking was pretty much....... It wouldn't be as bad if he'd just......When I first saw this haircut I.......It kinda reminds me of......You know what? We'll just go right to #2.


2. Chris Kirkpatrick

I think if instead of Optometrists using those traditional eye-charts with the huge letter E at the top, they used posters of Chris Kirkpatrick instead, most patients wouldn't want to upgrade their prescription. They'd just sit in the chair and stare at a blurry version of that hairy embarrassment atop his head and think, "Eww. Do I really need to see any better? Some things are better off being seen out of focus. I can see most stuff pretty good, anyway." Then as they were hopping down off the high chair, they'd tell their doctor, "You know what? I'm good. I'm happy the way I am, thank you though." I have always said that doctors using standard eye-charts instead of Chris Kirkpatrick posters, made a very, very savvy business move.


1. James A. Traficant, Rep (D) Ohio

(Click on his name above for a link to his GoogleImages)

If there is such a thing as The Bald Man's Self Esteem Bureau, James Traficant would assuredly be their poster boy. Conversely, he also the worst hair of any congressman convicted of federal corruption charges and removed from office as a result.

The man to top this list was never in doubt for me. Whenever I see that hairdo of his, Tina Turner's "Simply the Best" starts playing in my head. I hope prison changes you, James A. Traficant, but may it never, and I mean never, touch your hair. You are simply the best. Better than all the rest. Better than anyone, anyone I've ever met.










See Also: WhereAwesomeHappens' 10 Worst Hairstyles of All Time