New Link Update

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I added a new link in the margin. It's for Micro Wrestling. It's a traveling troupe of little person wrestlers. They're at Joe's on Weed St. (in Chiacgo) tonight. HIGHLY recommended. To see if they're coming to your town check the link and pray to sweet, sweet Jesus. Trust me.

Mayor of Toledo Breaks up a Fight, Calls kid "Fatso" and "Tubby"

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Unfortunately this video is interspersed with commentary from a guy who feels important. But the rest of the video is still cool.




The mayor also got me thinking about the word "fatso". It's kinda been replaced by "fat ass", which is unfortunate, kinda like how the word "porn" has replaced the word "porno". "Fatso" is a great a word, but now sounds like a word from the 1950's or something. Same with "Tubby"- such an under-utilized putdown. It's nice to see a mayor in Ohio still has them in his verbal repertoire. Gotta love those midwestern sensibilities.

My Calling in Life

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Is to be the world's first nude auctioneer. Some of you sing in the shower, I auctioneer in the shower.

Lookalikes 23.0- Eric Holder and Stedman Graham

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

It's true. The Attorney General of the United States looks like Oprah's boyfriend. The hairline and 'stache stylings vary a bit, but other than that, they're pretty similar.

Great Television for Stereotypers

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Since the Cubs and Sox got rained out tonight, I wasn't sure what to watch on television. After employing my 6th and 7th remote-handling senses, I landed on the FoodTV reality show/competition show called Chopped. I figured I'd at least watch the introduction of the four contestants. Glad I did.

Contestant #1 was kinda the straight man. He's what you'd expect on this show- a graduate of culinary school and is the head chef or something at a restaurant. No big surprises from him, but he seems like he'll be a solid contestant.

Contestant #2 is the opposite. He started his intro by saying that he doesn't have a fancy-pants culinary degree. But. But. But! He is from Queens, NY. He goes on to tell us that he's like the Rocky Balboa of this competition- sure he doesn't have the requisite tools to win, but he's "got the balls" as he says. It's not wholly unlike those Holiday Inn Express commercials-
"Are you a doctor?"
"No, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."
"Are you a trained chef?"
"No, but I'm from Queens, NY and I have an Uncle Frank accent"

Contestant #3 is also from NYC. She runs her own culinary school or academy, so she seems like a solid competitor. Then while the camera is on her during her little introduction I realize she does in fact have an oral cold sore. Now that's appetizing. Do you get a hairnet kinda thing for that? a Herp net?

Contest #4's name is Fritz and he's from Denmahk, jah. He's a chocolatier in Connecticut, but is also a trained chef. He instructs us that though he is a chocolatier, he's also a serious culinary competitor.

So the show has 4 contestants, and 3 rounds of cooking. The loser of each round is eliminated, with one winner left standing.

Round 1: So the competition begins and makes for underwhelming television. Captain Denmark tells us that he really needs to be creative and set himself apart from the rest (of these bland, boring Americans). The preferred vehicle for that creativity, to Fritz, was to make a bloody mary out of tomato juice, tequila, ginger ale and super salty sea beans.

Herp Sore mama dropped her tongs on the floor then picked them and kept using them, to the disgust of the judges.

After the judging of the first round- the creatively stupid Dane was voted off because his cocktail was unpalletable.

Round Two: Oh sweet Jewish Jesus. Herp mama had another sanitary infraction- this time with herp sore implications. She tasted her creation with a spoon (sticking into her herpmouth, obviously) and then proceeded to use the same spoon to cook with. Few things truly disgust me, and that did. And you damn well the judges can't say, "like I'm tasting mokfish with a herp garnish".

Rocky Queensboa made a dish that was sloppy and poorly presented. Thank god I was sitting down to witness that shocker. Rocky made like 11 more references to himself being the scrappy underdog, gritty, fighter, grinder, etc. It'd save me a lot more time if he just said, "I'm insecure and for good reason. My coping method of choice? NY-style Machismo."

the verdict: That cold sore was a Herp-binger of bad things to come. Hi-ooooo. Senority Simplex B got chopped. Sad because I was prepared to make a few more Herp lokes. Oh well.

This sets up a showdown betwixt the culinary Rocky and Ivan Drago. I just hope while preparing for the finals, Queensie Balboa doesn't train on the beach with Iron Chef Herp and share an awkward embrace in the ocean.

I've been sorta unfair to that guy, actually. He seems like a good guy who is trying his best. Makes for good television and you can tell that he cares.

Round 3: It's underway and I'm nervous! Well, not about the outcome, but that I won't have another reason to make a herpes joke. *fingers crossed*

Rocky is high-strung and lacks the patience to figure out how to use the kitchen machines/gadgets. Despite bragging about his NYC residency, he seems to be short-tempered. Huh.

Times up!

It seems like the producers led us to believe that Rocky took the safer way out, but it should be good, whereas contestant #1 went higher-risk, higher-reward. Rocky also alleged that contestant #1 cut one of the key ingredients in pieces that were too large to taste good. Anything is possible. Well, except for me not mentioning herpes again. Herpes.

The Tasting: Contestant #1's dish was tasted first. Not a homerun, but seemed to taste good, even if all of the pieces didn't blend harmoniously.

Rocky's was pretty decent apparently, but a bit uninspiring in presentation. The judges deliberation seemed to like Rocky's better- but the winner is based on all three dishes.

In the green-room while the contestants waited for the outcome, Rocky said yet again that he was "from the school of hard knocks" unlike his wussy opponent. I was as surprised as anyone.

The Verdict: Rocky won, oh wow. Good for him. I just REALLY want to hear, "Adrian!!!!!!!!"

He was gracious in his victory and he referred to his win as his "diploma". Can't hate the guy. Especially since he was kind enough to fit into a stereotype I have of New Yorkers.

This Shocked Me- Sammy Sosa Flunked a Steroids Test

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

First Clay Aiken was gay, then there were protests on the streets of Iran, and now Sammy tested positive for steroids in 2003?? This has been a WILD last 12 months.

Artie Lange Roman Helmeted Joe Buck Last Night

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

And I'm all for it. Not content to merely get a job because of his famous father, Joe Buck had to cash in more than he already has (calls two sports on Fox- and their championships, endorses Budweiser) and have his own talk show. Get rich, or get your card pulled tryin'.

You can check out a synopsis of the fallout at SI.com here, and see it here on HuffPo, and a clip of it on Deadspin.

The long and short of it is that Artie hijacked Buck's new show on HBO. Am I supposed to be surprised by this? Artie, an occasional vitriolic-spewing drunk, was booked as a guest on the very much pro-establishment Joe Buck's first show. Isn't that exactly why they booked Artie- to appeal to that demographic and put out the "No, I'm not overly pro-establishment. I can mix it up with recovering addicts and edgy guys too! Just watch!" vibe? So why the feigned disappointed from the Buck camp? Buck tried too hard too appeal to ALL demographics, and one of them pulled his card, and make him look like a cash-grabbing doofus.

Before Artie, Buck had a segment with Brett Favre, then did a piece with David Wright, then had a segment with Chad Ochocinco and Michael Irvin. So Buck was really shooting for every demographic here- the huge star in America's favorite sport, Favre- whom everyone knows and most of middle America loves. Then David Wright, who most New Yorkers love, especially single New York women. Then he had on two brothers' brothers- Irvin and Ochocinco. So Buck was really hitting on all demographic cylinders- Middle-America football fans, black football fans, East coasters, women, and baseball fans. For his next segment he had an SNL guy (Jason Sudekis, Paul Ruud and Artie- now he's going for the "dude" demographic- the Deadspin readers, the college dudes, the stoners, and people more interested in pop-culture than in sports. Sounds like Buck and his HBO handlers went a bridge too far with the last group of guests. This is what happens when you stretch yourself too thin and try to interview people from every single demographic, whether you connect with them or not. When you cannot, you look like a cash-grabbing doofus.

It's also worth mentioning that Sudekis and Ruud are exceptionally witty individuals- had they chose to come to the aid of Buck and get land a few jabs at Lange, I'm sure they could have done so with some degree of success. Instead, they laid back and watched it unfold. It's like when you were little and see you a schoolyard fight and you figure you should break it up, then one of the friends of a kid in the fight, holds you back and prevents you from breaking it up, so the fight can unfold organically. Sudekis and Ruud kind of held their arms out and made sure no one broke up the fight.

I'm glad it happened. After Joe Buck and Troy Aikman were named Fox's #1 football announcing tandem I remember Buck being on Leno or Conan and talking about how he's overexposed and how he knows people must be sick of him. He was 100% correct then, and I can't think of why he took the offer from HBO. Oh right, money. He does the World Series, Super Bowl, Fox Sunday Baseball, regular season football, and Budweiser commercials and now he needs a show?

Since Buck got t his card pulled while tryin' to get rich makes one of his beer commercials even funnier. Back when Buck was only a humble two-sport announcer and pitchman he did a commercial that effectively called out self-promoting, schtick-oriented announcers who try to cash in on their catch phrases. Now it appears he was hoisted by his own retard, or whatever the saying is.

"Why would I want to play down to the fans or do something that doesn't come naturally?", he asks in the commercial. You mean you "naturally" hang out with Artie Langue and Chad Ochocinco and Michael Irvin? And you "naturally" endorse Budweiser on your own, so you just figured you'd get paid to do it? Again Joe, the answer is money. You did it for the money, and you got your card pulled tryin'.

Where to Draw the Line Betwixt Funny and Un-funny?

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

If you think it's possible to read allegations of sexual harassment and find some of the alleged quotations of harassment funny, you may giggle while reading the article here.

If not, you're classier than I am. The guy who allegedly talked about his "hog" is at least innocent until proven guilty, anyway. So I think it's ok to snicker until he's found guilty.

Clothed Streaker Intterupts Nude Rugby Game

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

You heard it here third.

Moose Sighting at Saratoga Race Course

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

The story about it is here. It doesn't sound like there many exciting details- a female moose was found near the race course, so authorities opened the doors to the race track to quarantine the moose and keep it out of harm's way. A few years ago a fox was found in the stables of the harness track across the street, and now a moose.

Saratoga is a wild, wild place.

Update: The Saratogian shed some more light on the moose- including her late-night on Broadway last night. Seriously.

T.R. Salutes: The Double Entendre Styling of Def Leppard cerca 1987

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


I can't decide if this line is the best double entendre, the worst, or just the most English. In fact, it's a bit of all three. I guess I'd have to draw a Venn Diagram with all three circles overlapping, to make a visual aid for it.

Anyway, in Pour Some Sugar on Me when the singer asks the sexually-symbolic question, "Do you take your sugar one lump or two?" (3:29 mark below)



(Also, how lame is the wrecking ball motif? I guess that's supposed to be sexually symbolic as well. If you're gonna go with a construction/heavy machinery/demolition theme, I'd go with a jackhammer, personally, but that's a post for another time).
A line that wussy has no business being in any rock song, much less screamed catharticly, like it is in the song, and its just a poor metaphor- I mean, does anyone prefer the one metaphoric "lump" over two? (that was probably the wost line of my blogging career, but you know what I mean). Plus, I've never even heard that line outisde of Bugs Bunny asking Yosemite Sam that, before bonking him on the head for each requested lump, and watching a lump sprout on his head after said bonkings. Further-furthermore, if anyone ever asked that question in the throes of passion, they'd get laughed out of the bedroom.

As buffoonish as that line is, it's still my favorite Rock lyric of all time, and probably the most fun one to sing in the shower.

(See Also: My theory about Absolute Value that made possible my liking of that lyric)

Advice for College Graduates

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


I've been interested in the news of the fallout regarding the Iranian presidential elections. And I've noticed that roles of on-air news journalists seems to have shifted a bit in recent years.

For those journalism graduates who aspire to be an on-air news reporter- my advice to you is to practice reading Tweets from Iran, and looking at stories from iReport.com and commenting on them. That's what today's news consumer demands- reading Tweets. I mean any simpleton can go to Iran and get the stories on their own, but how many people can actually log on to Twitter.com and read 140 characters or less? Not many, that's why CNN and MSNBC are SOOO important these days- they have all those super computers at their headquarters to sift threw all of those Iranian Tweets.

So if you're an aspiring newsperson, you'll want to bone up on typing "Iran" into a Twitter search engine. No one ever said it would be easy. And yes I did say "bone up" two sentences ago.

Get Ready for Some Extreme Blogging....

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I'm just gonna link to an article. Is that awesome blogging by me or what? Damn I'm good.

Vestigial baseball nutsack, and frequent user of the historical, autobiographical narrative, Joe Morgan lied on air again.

Another good Phil Mushnick article rightfully criticizing ESPN. I also like it because it mentions the Reds losing to the Royals and facing only 80 pitches.

The Telegraph is running a headline "Lloyds Bank hit by Obama Tax Purge". After my initial gasp of distress, I realized that "Lloyds Bank" and G-Unit rapper. "Lloyd Banks" are two different things. THANK GOD. I don't know what I would have done if Obama were gettin twisted in Lloyd's paper chase.

I'm Sick of Abe Lincoln

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



Ever since Barack Obama started talking about Abe every 11 seconds, no one has shut up about him. Furthering the incessant talk about him is that 2009 is the 200th year since his birth, and I live in the Land of Lincoln. In the past 12 months, Smithsonian Magazine has written so many articles about him, that I seriously considered writing them a letter to complain about the Lincoln saturation.

But the worst was still to come.

Today Abraham Lincoln threw out the first pitch at the Cubs game to promote the Abraham Lincoln-themed summer reading program at the Chicago Public Library.

Up yours, Honest Abe. Or more to the point- up yours, people who keep talking about him. Enough already.

And in the spirit of fairness, I just talked about him, so up mine too. But at least I was complaining about him.

More Dumb Crap I Hate

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I've noticed sports talking heads are guilty of this most often. They'll be talking about an emerging young player, for instance, and they'll say, "The sky is the limit for him. In the next 3 or 4 years, he could be among your Peyton Mannings, your Tom Bradys, your Ben Roethlisbergers or your Brett Favres."

So now I'm the owner of multiple Ben Roethlisbergers? When were there more than one of these players? Does that sound/feel right coming out of their mouths while they're saying it? It's dumb. It's crap. And I hate it.

Lookalikes Volume 21.0, and 22.0- Basketball Edition

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Pau Gasol and an Ostrich and Sasha Vujacic and Russell Brand. Let's take a look.

More Banksy Awesomeness

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com




Picture Gallery of the Exhibit

Read more about it in the BBC.co.uk's article

Another video about the exhibition

Speaking of NWA

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Gentleman. Ever get sick of all those female anthems by the chick artists? Single Ladies, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, What it Feels Like For a Girl, etc. (I can't think of any more, but I assume there are more). You probably wish there were a Man's Anthem, don't you? Well it just so happens that brother Ice Cube recorded one a long time ago. Is it safe for work? If you work a vulgarity factory yes, otherwise, probably not.

My White Ass Hadn't Heard This Until....Well, Until I Heard it it, I Guess.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

A lot of people assumed that I'd rhyme the words "Buckshot" with "Why the fuck not?" on a gangsta rap track before Ice Cube would. It turns out my supporters were wrong. Check out the proof here. It's Snoop Dogg feat. NWA, which is pretty rad. As you may be able to guess- it aint safe for wizork, nephew.

Is Today's Hip Hop Fashion as Bad as it was in the Early 90's?

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

It seems like ever since Kanye started dressing like a nutsack, a lot of lesser Hip Hoppers had to follow suit. Kanye started wearing stupidly, fluorescent hi-tops, then others did. He started wearing stupid Ray Ban Wayfarers, then others did. He started wearing the Budd Holly glasses, then others did. It's all stupid. I don't get it.

In 20 years when those hip-hoppers' kids see those pictures and say they'll have a conversation like this:

Offspring: Dad, you looked like a huge loser. What a terrible outfit!
HipHopDad: Well, yeah, but it was ironic! I KNEW it was stupid but I wore it anyway as if to defy anyone to make fun of me.
Offspring: Ok. But I'm sure people did make fun of you still, right? Not everyone from that era looks like a dork on purpose. Why were you one of the only ones doing it?
HipHopDad: I guess I thought I was being some kind of fashion rogue and not giving in to the usual sartorial conformity of the time- at least I wasn't rocking the oversized t-shirt, stupidly baggy jeans and a gaudy chain with an unbent-billed hat cocked to the side.
Offspring: So in essence, what you're telling me is- in order to rebel against the status quo, thereby taking the moral/fashion high ground- you dressed stupidly on purpose? You felt in doing so that you were thumbing your nose at comformity? But you still looked like an idiot and you knew that full well, and you felt you could somehow leverage your success as a musician actually defy people to speak out about you looking like a complete dickbag?
HipHopDad: I'd like to think it was more complex than that, but essentially, yes.
Offspring: Wouldn't it just have made more sense to wear something that, 1) you actually thought you looked good in, and 2) was something non-comformist-like that no one else was wearing at the time (e.g. not wearing hightops, way farers, buddy holly glasses, etc.). Essentially, weren't you guys just doing what hipster were doing, and getting made fun of for doing, 10 years ago?
HipHopDad: I guess I never thought of any of that. I was doing a lot of drugs at the time.

*End Scene*

It's one thing when Kanye dresses horrendously, but it hurts to see this trickling down to the teeny bopper R&B guys. Now its starting to look like a trend.


So as per my headline, lets take a look for ourselves to see how this era compares with the Cross Colours Early 90's Era, an era I always thought would be the standard bearer for bad fashion in one music genre, but it may have some modern-day competition, much to my dismay/amazement (dismayzement?). This is about to get ugly.

Lovechild Investigation 11.0- Julia Roberts + Amy Sedaris = Kyra Sedgwick

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com








+

Where Awesome Happens Public Service Announcement

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I've decided to make childhood obesity my new cause. Once I decided on a cause, I read a lot of literature on the current statistics, causes, potential cures, etc. The overwhelming conclusion is that the most effective way to fight childhood obesity is with better nutrition, smaller meal portions and increased physical activity. Any type of physical activity helps- walking, sports, bike riding, skateboarding, etc.

Then I saw a video on YouTube that confirmed the conclusions of the experts so conclusively that I couldn't help by laugh aloud: skateboards are extremely effective for warding off the advancements of childhood obesity. Have a look.




UPDATE: I was writing this entry, and at the bottom of the entry I have to type in the "Labels" or "Tags" for this article. So I was gonna type in "childhood obeseity" and once I was partway through, my server suggested "Fighting Childhood Obesity" since it had been used previously. I didn't recall using it, so I checked out the article where it was used. It's eerily similar to this one.

This proves that I've still got it!

Put Down the Haterade and Hater Tots....

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

My High School was listed as the 1090th best High School in the US.

Conspicuously, the nearest high school to where I live was 107th, second in the State of Illinois.

Coincidence? Probably.






In other TR Slyder Alma Mater news, I'd like to salute Max Goodman.

In the July 2009 issue of Esquire Magazine (on newsstands now with Bar Rafaeli on the cover), Mr. Goodman wrote into the style Q&A section called "Ask Nick Sullivan", and Mr. Goodman asks,

"Like many 19-year old college students, I spill on myself a lot. When liquor is involved, it
gets bad. What are the best fabrics for going out?"

-Max Goodman
Oxford, Ohio.

Glad to hear the traditions at Mother Miami are alive and well. My recommendation would be to avoid dark alcohol and mixers, Max. Gin and Tonics, Vodka Tonics, and Tequila ought to do you proud. You may also think about selecting darker clothing. Some would glibly suggest that you try to cut back on your alcohol intake, but not me, fellow RedHawk. Not me.


UPDATE/Editor's Note: When you do a Google Image search with keywords, "Miami University" in quotation marks followed by "Drunk", the first picture is of Bagel and Deli, the pic displayed above. Good work for getting it right, Google! You really do understand Miami U.

Great 6 Furlong Race for Fabulous Strike on the Belmont Undercard

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I just felt like showing this race. It happened Saturday in the True North Handicap, 5 races before the Belmont. It was fractions of a second off of the Belmont track record for 6 Furlongs (which is 6 8ths of a mile and is considered a sprint). From a visual standpoint, I think sprint races are the most exciting horse races to watch. This was a world-class effort by the winner, Fabulous Strike.

Ideas for new Sections of the Newspaper

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I can't speak for every newspaper in the country, but I know the Chicago Tribune has recently undergone a few structural changes. Last year they changed from the broadpage format to the tabloid format. Before that they also tweaked and consolidated a few of their sections. I've complained before about the monotony of news in the, well, news, about how there are some "news" stories that don't qualify as "news" anymore and could more accurately be described as the "olds". Headlines like "Middle East Peace Talks Fail", "Demonstration in Gaza Turns Violent", "North Korea Reaffirms its Pro-Nuke Stance", "Democratis find Rush Limbaugh's new Rhetoric Objectionable", "MSNBC Anchor/Jon Stewart Dismisses Claims of FoxNews", etc.

I think it's time that the newspapers and news websites, in conjunction with their new infotainment ethos, just sack up and reformat their sections.

CNN.com currently lists the following tabs atop their homepage: Home, World, US, Politics, Crime, Entertainment, Health, Tech, Travel, Living, Business, Sports, Time.com.

Well lets start with the first need: The Travel section needs to go. I'm not sure how long that's been a tab of theirs, but it's vestigial at this point- perhaps a holdover from more prosperous times. All the travel-related stories I see or hear are all about the ailing Travel Sector of our economy- hotels are slashing rates and hardly keeping their heads above water, Vegas is withering, airlines are struggling, people are now partaking of "staycations", etc. And you know where I hear a lot of these stories? On CNN. So lets do away with that tab.

For the "World" tab, that name is too inclusive. Why not just be accurate and title it, "Angry Arabs, Mexican drug-ring stories, North Korea, China, War".

"Politics" can be "Capitol Hill Name-calling and Pictures of the Obamas"

"Crime" can be done away with or retitled "Wall St. Scandals", "Entertainment" should stop misleading us and just be titled "Celebrity's Personal Lives and Movie Earnings", "Tech" can be renamed "Google, Apple, Microsoft and Video Games", the tab titled "Living" can be titled- "Home Decorating, Obesity-reduction tips, and Thrift", and what functions as the "Business" tab ought to be called "How the NYSE Did Today and Green Energy".

They could also add a tab for "Television 'news'". When did the happenings of American Idol, Dances with the Stars and Jimmy Kimmel's monologue become "news"?

Another tab that too many news outlets employs is Twitter. I've harped on this before, but it didn't seem to help. The opinion of Frankie357 in Bismarck, ND. is not news. If I wanted his opinion I'd go to his Twitter account. For CNN to pass of his reaction to news is lazy at best. Shouldn't they assume that I care more about my own opinion than his? The Daily Show voiced something yesterday that I've been saying for awhile- why would I follow CNN on Twitter? If I like CNN, how about I follow them on CNN? Same with bloggers. You're lucky I follow you on your tv show or website, don't ask me to follow you on Twitter, Facebook, MySpace and every other website du jour. Pick a medium, make it the best you can and that's it. Don't half assedly run 77 different media outlets.

Like most societal calamaties, we have corporate greed to thank. Not content for a mere niche audience or target demographic, every single news outlet had to become a Wal-Mart of news- One Stop Shopping. Why go to a hardware store, grocery store, record store and sporting goods store when you can get all those things at Wal-Mart in one stop? News outlets adopted that mindset and asked- why read a newspaper, People magazine, Forbes, Sports Illustrated, The Onion, Perez Hilton or watch Late Night TV, Sports Center, Dancing With the Stars, American Idol, or follow anyone else on Twitter? We've got all of them right here! Why get what you actually want when you want it, when we'll shove crap down your throat that you don't care about?? We'll tell you what to care about! Sure you can go to a nice steakhouse and have a great dinner, but who wants just one kind of cuisine? What you SHOULD want is to get a little bit of every kind of cuisine-that we choose, put it in a blender, and choke down an unpallateable shake! That way you aren't missing out on anything. That terrible taste that you're tasting is the feel of ignorance leaving your body!

Americans are getting stupid enough on our own, we don't newspapers, print journalism and news websites to help lead the way.

Ohhh, We've Got a Race Now.....

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Looks like there is some competition for Nancy Reagan and Mr. T. finally. It comes in the form of two very worthy adversaries- George Bush Sr. and a chick in a bikini.

For what you ask? Best Republican Geezer Lap-Candy. The entrants are:

The Champion: ..... ............... ................ ................. The Challenger:



























Who wins?

TR Salutes: Schoolhouse Rock

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

You all know what it is. Here are a few.

Lolly Lolly Lolly Get Your Adverbs Here


Conjunction Junction


I'm Just a Bill


Interjections


The Preamble

Yes, I'm Showing the Brett Michaels Clip

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



Thank God and Baby Jesus he didn't feel it with all of that Botox in his face.

Is There a Big Ass Chain Expert in the House? Fortunately Yes.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

What midwifes are to doctors, or tornado chasers are to meteorologists, I am to chainologists. Actually I have no idea what any of that meant, but I'm trying to establish my credibility within that medium.

This Big Ass Chain of T-Pain's was brought to my attention by my sister, Sarah Slyder. This chain is funny for a few reasons.

1. It came to light a few weeks after this Wall Street Journal article which effectively plays the fiddle while Hip-Hop's Blingopolis burns. The part I found most interesting was when a source told the reporter that a lot of huge bling we see nowadays is fake. So now that the economy is in the tank, a hip hop autotune singer who just pecker-slapped by Jay-Z in his new single, whom I've heard of about 4 times is rocking a cartoonishly large chunk of bling.

2. As TR Slyder scholars know full well, one of my favorite hobbies is to brandish my phallus of logic and urinate on a parade of stupidity. I'm going to do that again here. As you'll see the chain very explicitely claims to be a "Big Ass Chain". But is it? I am not questioning that the pendant/medallion/bling/thing-hanging-on-the-chain is indeed, "Big ass" But is the chain iteself that big? Or is it the thing on the chain?

If I tie a piece of dental floos to a cruise ship, would you say, "Damn! That is one huge piece of dental floss!!", or would you more logically say, "Wow, you've got something Big Ass on the end of your dental floss!"? I really hope you'd go with the later.

Had his pendant thingy said "Big Ass Pendant" or "Big Ass Thing Hanging on a Chain" I'd have no issue what that whatsoever. If you want to see a Big Ass CHAIN, check out some rappers in the late 80's


















And Nas recently
So if T-Pain's chain is "Big Ass" what does that make those chains?

Sometimes I wonder if T-Pain really is the savior of the English language. *sigh*.

All Things Considered, I'd say This is True

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Isn't using the phrase "all things considered" rather pompous? Put differently, doesn't that necessarily mean that you've considered everything that is considerable?

If you Like Fomer Prime Minister of the Czech Republic Named Boner Pictures as Much as I do, You're in Luck.....

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

It looks like Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi knows how to throw a party.

Recently a Spanish website (NSFW) posted some scandalous paparazzi pictures taken from a lavish party thrown by Berlusconi's at one of his villas. The piece d' resistance? A picture taken of a nude and aroused (i.e. his "Bruce Banner" had turned into the Hulk) former Prime Minister of the Czech Rerpublic, Mirek Topolanek. He just likes to rock out with his cock out every now and again. No big deal.

While I'm obviously tempted to say that that pic really puts the Burlesque in Berlusconi, I have a feeling that the definition of "burlesque" doesn't involve old, dirty Eastern European politican dangleatalia.

At any rate, the first story I linked to makes for pretty amusing reading.

2009 Belmont Stakes: Like Father, Like Son

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Moderate longshot (12-1), Summer Bird won the 2009 Belmont Stakes in a very similar fashion to how his father, Birdstone, won it in 2004- coming from out of nowhere on the outside and with happy feet. I'll show both races below and what you'll think for each of them is the same. As they come down the stretch you'll think, "Ok, I don't see him yet. It really looks like the horse on the lead is gonna win. Ok, still looks like the leader is gonna win this r....oh wait, who the hell is that on the outside? Well the leader still has a pretty big. Oh wow. He's still coming from the outside? Who the hell is that horse? Oh wow, the leader looks tired and this closer on the outside has some serious happy feet. Oh jeez, he's gonna win by a few lengths. There he goes..."

The 2004 Belmont won by Birdstone


The 2009 Belmont won by Summer Bird

I Just Realized That...

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

"Google" in Pig Latin is "Oogle gay"

Shout to Cool Art Show

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Last night a friend and I checked out the SMart Show in the Flat Iron Building in Wicker Park/Bucktown. It kicked all kinds of hiney. Here is the page of (almost) all the artists that showed.

Some of my favorites were not on that page which is too bad because I'd like to give them a shoutlink as well. But two I'd recommend are JayBoeldt's acrylic abstracts and Michel Balasis's works which I think would be fair to say are similar to what Lichtenstein would be depicting if he were around today.

Boeldt's pieces, to me, were like a mix of impressionism and abstraction, and even looked digital at some points. They're not so abstract that you have no idea what the subject is, however. Being that the medium is a mixture of acrylic and enamel on wood, the pieces are really shiny looking, which I like. Really eye-catching stuff.

Michel's work is, like I said, could fit under the name of Neo-Lichtensteinian. Many of his works are the Lichtenstein-esque comic book characters complete with dialogue bubble. His works just have a more modern twist in tune with the modern technological age.

I spent a few minutes talking to each of these guys and they're both as cool and pleasant as you'd hope an artist to be while admiring their work.

Sometimes I Impress Myself

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I was trying to think of a succinct explanation for why I really don't like movies. Sure, I like good movies- but everyone does. That's why they're good. But I'm not a "movie person". I don't go out and see a movie just because it's a Friday night, or because Will Smith was in it and Billy Bush interviewed him twice this week. When a friend is over on Sunday afternoon and we're hungover I don't say, "Hey man, lets put in a DVD". I don't see movies because their marketing budget was $45 million, or because its got great special effects or was called a "Blockbuster" by someone I've never heard of, or just because I've never seen it but everyone else has.

In short, I don't watch movies because the media tells me that I should want to.

But I digreezy. So I was trying to think of a few concrete examples. I was thinking I could point the absurdity of the concept of guys like Nicolas Cage, Brenden Fraser, Kevin Bacon, Tom Cruise or Keanu Reeves being leading men. Then I thought I'd probably need a specific, bullet-pointlike example that no sane person would dispute. Then I thought, "Well for one, or two, Tom Cruise played twice played a man in the United States Armed Forces", (A Few Good Men and Top Gun, there could be more for all I know) and he also played a badass in like 19 Mission Impossible movies, AND he played a goddamn Samurai in another movie!

Then came my Eureka moment. There should be a website that has actor's stats- a cross betwixt imdb.com and the back of a baseball card. They'd keep track of a myriad of statistics like- # of guys they've beaten up, chicks they've humped, guys they've mu-rdered (I'd love to see Schwarzenegger's and Stallone's), times they've been killed, times they've been drunk or high, total swear words used, maybe # of kids they've had, # of times they've screamed (who got in this one- Pacino or Catherine Zeta-Jones's husband? I forget his name). You could also break it down by their different kids of jobs they've had- President (Morgan Freeman must lead this category), professional athlete, mobster, priest, Santa Claus, doctor, lawyer, etc. And that's just the "good" category for the guys.

You could have the negative categories like # of times getting punched/their ass kicked, # of times getting cheated on, times they've cried, etc. But that's just for the guys.

For women you could have # of dudes they've humped, times they've been the jilted lover (Gwyneth Paltrow would HAVE to be in the lead- cuz that leads to her signature blushy/pout- I'm smiling on the outside, but crying on the inside look), times they've been cheated on, times they've cried, total # of minutes they've cried, #/total duration of nude scenes, # of times she's been widowed, then all of their jobs as well- e.g. maybe you'd be surprised to know that Nicole Kidman has played a stay-at-home mom more times than Meg Ryan) etc.

That would just be awesome. You could keep track of all your favorite categories AND actors. Directors could also be tabulated as well. It would also help people seek out their favorite genre. If your just getting into Westerns, maybe you'd be surprised to know that there is an actor whom you've never heard of that is a mere 17 murders behind John Wayne in that genre (not counting his war movies). Maybe you're a 17 year old who started smoking pot and you're interested in that genre so you look up directors to see who has the most pot references and you learn about Kevin Smith and Judd Apatow.

Then you could also cheer for your favorite actor in his new movie to surpass a milestone. Like if Seth Rogan can just be high for 11 on-screen minutes, he could into 3rd place all time behind Cheech and Chong. Or if Antonio Banderas can somehow find a way to bed 3 broads, he'll crack the top 10. Maybe a nutsack like Frankie Muniz would explore certain obscure genres in an effort to crack multiple Top 5 lists in categories thereby giving his career some semblance of a legacy- most time doing a voice over for a gerbil, most times by a guy playing an adolescent female, oldest male to play a pubescent teen in the awkward stage, or # of times getting knocked out by one righthand by a guy that his girlfriend is cheating on him with.

Wouldn't a website like that be rad? Go start one!

More Stupidity in a Commercial

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Shockingly its from a commercial that's marketing toward the "Dude demographic".

Those dumbass Axe Body Spray commercials where they say crap like "94% of women think nasty hair is a turnoff. Use Axe Shampoo, so that doesn't happen to you."

Firstly, what kind of brain-damaged monkey is surprised by this? They use the word "nasty" (or whatever the word they actually use is) for a reason. That qualifier IMPLIES that people don't like. That's like asking someone if they like food that is disgusting- by definition, you don't. Otherwise it wouldn't be disgusting.

Secondly, and more scientifically, Axe isn't really promising you a whole lot. They're offering to help you ascend to the "upper" 94% of sexy males. By undergoing the metamorphosis they promise I will become non-nasty.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm about to go set up my tent outside of Wal-Greens so I can be there when they open tomorrow to buy their product.

You Know How I Knew You Were Gay?

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

You're a Jonas Brother, you wore a spandex onesie thingy and you did the Single Ladies Dance in it.





To that end, what's the Over/Under on amount of times it takes Sports Centers to, when segueing to clips of Womens Singles events in tennis to say "All my ladies singles, all my ladies singles"? I'm saying it'll be done before the Wimbledon Finals. Although, they could actually have done it already and I wouldn't know. I can't stand to watch that show anymore.

Where Does Jesus Draw the Line?

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I realize that taking the Lord's name in vain is a sin. But where is the line drawn with that?

Countless turns of phrase have been concocted to narrowly ellude that: Jeez, Jeepers, Jeepers Creepers, Cheese 'n' Rice, Gee Wiz, Sheesh, etc. So do those count? If not can you creep even closer, without sinning? What if you put the emphasis on the second syllable of "Jesus" instead of pronouncing it "g-Zis" you pronounce it "GEE-zis"or pronounce his last name as "crisst" instead of "CRY-st". Can you say "g-Zis Crisst" and be ok?

And how is taking his name in vain really bad? I don't get that. If he's already omnipresent and omniscient, is it really that much a distraction of you spill milk and blurt out, "Jesus!"? Is that like pranking 911? Does he come running over because he thinks he's called into an emergency only to find you and spilled milk and think, "Oh man a false alarm. I wish he'd stop using my name in vain like that! I could've just missed a real emergency." He's already omnipresent and omniscient, so he must've already known about that.

Sadly, I was turned on to the absurdity of this concept by a 1st grader. When I was younger and was babysitting my neighbors I accidentally blurted out, "Jesus Christ!" and the kids looked shocked and scolded me. The yougnest of the three then asked me, "How would you like it if you were in heaven and people down here made a mistake and kept saying, 'T.R.!', or 'Oh, T.R. Slyder!' ". I told him that he had made a good point.

Only he made a good point regarding the absurdity of the concept of taking the name in vain.

My Hesitant 4th and 5th Cent About Susan Boyle

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Remember in April how I wrote that real buzz around Susan Boyle was that people, (subconsciously, or consciously) thought, "No way! Someone can have such vocal talent but be that ugly!"?

I'm standing behind that still and I think that the latest buzz about her being in the loony bin helps with that. As I'm sure everyone has heard, she lost on her British Idol show and then apparently cracked up and was calling out for her cat while being rushed to the nuthouse. While I understand it's newsworthy because she was such an instant media-sensation, I think part of what gives legs to that story is still our subconscious surprise about her. I think people were still thinking, "this is so weird she's talented and so weird and ugly. Maybe after a makeover she'll be really pretty and this will all make sense."

Then she lost and was rushed to the nuthouse and now people are thinking, "Ohhhhh. I knew she wasn't a true celebrity, or even a normal one of us! Silly of me to think an ugly person could ever leave her caste system. Turns out she's just one of those wacky idiot savants who drools on their sweatpants all day but is freakishly talented at one thing. She probably has like 87 cats too. She totally tricked me!"


And while I'm on the topic of Pop Culture drivel that I just don't understand people's interest in: Is the following analogy correct?

Octomom:Angelina Jolie :: Kate from John and Kate + 8::Posh Spice

I never watch the show or read about it, but I can't help avoid the coverage. I do know that she has a very Nebraska-tastic version of Posh's hair and she seems to think she's one sexy bitch. I could be totally off base.

Lastly, the coverage of this scandal really pisses me off for the same reason that the coverage of the Duke Lacrosse team rape allegation pissed me off: If no one cares about those people (John and Kate, Lacross players) when they're free of scandal, don't expect us to be enraptured in stories about their scandals.

For instance, ESPN devotes about 11 minutes of coverage a year to lacrosse. People just don't care about it. Yet they spent at least 20 hours a week discussing it during the peak of the scandal. That doesn't make sense to me. The buzz with Kobe's rape allegation I get because there is a ton of buzz from a scandal-free Kobe as is, so throw in a scandal and it's huge.

I get the story value of, "Media darling in scandal. Will they be taken down a peg or two? Stay Tuned!" but not when its, "Did those people you don't care about do something immoral??!!! You'll never believe what happened!" There has to be some proportion between the non-scandal coverage and scandal coverage.

Is adultery among people I've never heard of really something I'm expected to care about? If you're gonna talk about scandals that strangers have done at least make them awesome.

Today's Headline That Could Be Taken Out of Context

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

A Story of Depression, Loneliness, and an old man's Love for his dog.

Gentleman, It Has Arrived

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


A handheld console that can play your original Nintendo games. Just take your old games out of the box in your parents' attic, slide it into the console just like you did with the Gameboy, and you're playing. It runs on 4 AA batteries and can be hooked up to your television.

Check it out here, and something similar here.

That invention ranks right up there with the toothbrush, toilet, eye glasses, socks, movable type and this. I can't tell you what a godsend that has been for me.

You can find more awesome inventions like that one here.

Conan O'Brien's First Night on the Tonight Show: LiveBlog

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Some people love Conan O'Brien, and others find him pompous and sophomoric, but I think most people agree that no one could have been selected for hosting the Tonight Show that reveres the job moreso than Conan. He has always professed to hold that job in the highest esteem possible and I don't think anyone could be possibly be more honored and humbled to take the job.

I'm eager to see how O'Brien who made his living catering to the younger, late-night quasi-Adult Swim crowd, will handle catering to his new audience that is more staid than the late night crowd.

I'll go ahead and get a few things over with: I'm a big Conan fan and have seen a LOT of his show. So I'll probably come off as rooting for him and pointing out things that lead you to believe that I've watched way too much of Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

10:35: So far so good. The opening bit involves Conan running from NYC to LA and shows him crossing Chicago's Michigan Avenue bridge in front of the Tribune Tower and also shows him running through Wrigley Field. So far he's won me over.

(Update: The Trib brought up a good point. Conan was running South on Michigan Avenue, which would mean he's running away from Wrigley. Oh well, here's the video of it.
)

He ran through Vegas and his now in Hollywood. It's all setting up for him to run into the studio to start his show. Not a bad idea for an entrance, implying he just ran all the way from NYC.

10:38: Sounds like they're going with the same theme from Late Night, but just a little bit different. Conan's coming out. He didn't do his usual "jogging into his mark" from Late Night. I guess that was one way he decided to act more grown up. Oh, there goes a brief "string dance". I'm going to see if he still does tha,t "Let's hear it for The Max Weinberg 7, everybody! Max-" before he sends it to the band before heading to his desk.

He just introduced Andy Richter. Nice to see him back. He's standing at a podium. Huh.

10:42: First "Clippers suck" joke. The monologue is very "L.A.-centric" which is to be expected, I guess.

10:46: Conan shouts out the "Choco Taco". Friends of mine are snickering.

10:49: Conan's first sketch- he's gonna help out guiding the tour of Universal Studios (where his show is taped). This has potential. He does however, also have a tendency for overdoing it on these sketches. That's always a concern with these filmed-on-location bits. We'll see how it goes. For what it's worth- his hair is especially wonky during this bit.

So far there's some overdoing it. The tour is conducted on like 4 trolley cars that are all linked together. Conan decides to take them out on the street, which isn't a bad idea. Then he stopped in front of a $.99 store and bought everyone something. He emerged from the store with two shopping carts full of $.99 items. Not a bad ending.

10:55: He didn't do it. It was "we've got Max Weinberg and the Tonight Show Band. When we come back we've got a lot more show for you." then it was sent to commercial. Flipping to CBS just in time just to catch #5 on Letterman's Top 10 List.

11:00: Back from commercial and Conan is thanking Jay and the new staff members at Universal Studios. Now a bit is starting up about Conan and his green Ford Taurus prowling the streets of LA. Fabio makes a cameo. Oh sweet, there are some Esse's (sp?) hittin switches on their ghetto sled, and we see Conan's car appears to be equally hydraulically outfitted until the camera pans out to reveal all of the car. Then we notice that Conan's car was bouncing, not from hydraulics, but from fat guys at the rear of the car pushing down on the trunk. I'll take it.

11:08: Commercial for a new Eddie Murphy movie. It's too bad when people hear "Eddie Murphy" they think, "God awful movies" and not, "Maybe the best stand up comic of all-time". To this day he's the only comedian that's ever made me think, "Man that dude's a badass". Chappelle, Chris Rock, George Carlin and Bill Hicks are honorable mentions, but no where near the level of badass, they're just "Man he's funny. He seems pretty cool too." Murphy was just a rockstar. Now he makes movies that would make Matin Lawrence blush.

11:10: Will Ferrell had a good entrance. He was carried in on a float (I forget what those things are called) by Egyptian-like servants.

11:15. Ferrell was funny and will be back after the commericals. He casually mentioned to Conan how it's fun to "Dress up like a ninja, drink a bottle of Midori and do some Peeping Tom action." I found that pretty amusing/insightful.

I flipped back to Letterman again. I did so at the last break but didn't blog about it. Bill Cosby was on Letterman doing his "sit down comedy" and was funny. He wasn't wearing his sunglasses which I thought was surprisingly normal of him. Then I just flipped back again and he's Letterman's guest and wearing sunglasses. Though, now that I think about it, I bet the lights are bright as hell in a tv studio.

11:20: I also noticed that Will Ferrell still has his blazer jacket buttoned while seated. Guys on tv never seem to unbutton their blazers while seated. Although I guess Conan's is unbuttoned. I probably sound like I'm high right now. I'm not actually high though. Actually, that probably sounded like when on TV shows they zoom in on a character's forehead and you hear that character's thoughts. One character's is always predictable, yet funny, and there's always the one character whose thoughts shock you with how inane and stupid they are. The thoughts I just had would probably be the latter.

11:22: I'll be damned. Will Ferrell is singing on Conan's show again. He was singing "Never Can Say Goodbye", not sure if the Jackson 5 were the first to do that song, but theirs is the only version I know. He was singing that song since he felt that Conan's chances of success with this show aren't very good.

Going to commercial, when we come back: Pearl Jam. I hope they play that song Eddie Vedder wrote about the Cubs.

This little ditty


11:28: Oh good. America's Got Talent returns to NBC June 23rd. Well, Pearl Jam isn't playing Someday We'll Go All The Way. Their playing a new song that sounds a LOT like State of Love and Trust. I guess the decade and a half I spent away from Pearl Jam (with the exception of the aforementioned Cubs anthem) didn't result in me missing a whole lot. I'm the best.

More Non-Partisan Coverage on Loudball: With Chris Matthews

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

It isn't that Republicans are bad, but when they they disagree with Obama they are pissants.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

However, if you ARE Barack Obama, well you just might send a furrow up his leg.



Much like how friends listen to Endless Love in the dark, impartial talking heads can get unbiased furrows up their legs.

I'm a Celebrity Get Me out of Here! Premieres tonight!

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I copied and pasted this from Perez Hilton.

After just two days of filming I'm A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here in Costa Rica, Heidi and Spencer Pratt have quit the show TWICE!

According to a production source, Speidi took their mics off and exited the jungle, yet relectantly returned for night. On the second day of shooting, they walked out again but have since yet again been persuaded to competing for their respective charities.

This is way too much drama for the jungle!

In the premiere episode, Heidi breaks down crying, Spencer walks off the set and Patti Blageovich almost drowns!

Fuck Yeah!

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Great idea for a collection blog/website- Early 90's (old school, literally) photos with laser backgrounds such as this gem. Click here for LaserPortraits.net

I also would like to see a collection blog of really awful botoxed faces. I'm sick of botox and I think that little kids growing up now and watch too much television are going to think that when you get old your faces freezes and you become emotionless. Or that it happens to middle-aged Hollywood starlets (Meg Ryan, Nicole Kidman) and Politicians (Nancy Pelosi).