Sometimes I Impress Myself

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I was trying to think of a succinct explanation for why I really don't like movies. Sure, I like good movies- but everyone does. That's why they're good. But I'm not a "movie person". I don't go out and see a movie just because it's a Friday night, or because Will Smith was in it and Billy Bush interviewed him twice this week. When a friend is over on Sunday afternoon and we're hungover I don't say, "Hey man, lets put in a DVD". I don't see movies because their marketing budget was $45 million, or because its got great special effects or was called a "Blockbuster" by someone I've never heard of, or just because I've never seen it but everyone else has.

In short, I don't watch movies because the media tells me that I should want to.

But I digreezy. So I was trying to think of a few concrete examples. I was thinking I could point the absurdity of the concept of guys like Nicolas Cage, Brenden Fraser, Kevin Bacon, Tom Cruise or Keanu Reeves being leading men. Then I thought I'd probably need a specific, bullet-pointlike example that no sane person would dispute. Then I thought, "Well for one, or two, Tom Cruise played twice played a man in the United States Armed Forces", (A Few Good Men and Top Gun, there could be more for all I know) and he also played a badass in like 19 Mission Impossible movies, AND he played a goddamn Samurai in another movie!

Then came my Eureka moment. There should be a website that has actor's stats- a cross betwixt imdb.com and the back of a baseball card. They'd keep track of a myriad of statistics like- # of guys they've beaten up, chicks they've humped, guys they've mu-rdered (I'd love to see Schwarzenegger's and Stallone's), times they've been killed, times they've been drunk or high, total swear words used, maybe # of kids they've had, # of times they've screamed (who got in this one- Pacino or Catherine Zeta-Jones's husband? I forget his name). You could also break it down by their different kids of jobs they've had- President (Morgan Freeman must lead this category), professional athlete, mobster, priest, Santa Claus, doctor, lawyer, etc. And that's just the "good" category for the guys.

You could have the negative categories like # of times getting punched/their ass kicked, # of times getting cheated on, times they've cried, etc. But that's just for the guys.

For women you could have # of dudes they've humped, times they've been the jilted lover (Gwyneth Paltrow would HAVE to be in the lead- cuz that leads to her signature blushy/pout- I'm smiling on the outside, but crying on the inside look), times they've been cheated on, times they've cried, total # of minutes they've cried, #/total duration of nude scenes, # of times she's been widowed, then all of their jobs as well- e.g. maybe you'd be surprised to know that Nicole Kidman has played a stay-at-home mom more times than Meg Ryan) etc.

That would just be awesome. You could keep track of all your favorite categories AND actors. Directors could also be tabulated as well. It would also help people seek out their favorite genre. If your just getting into Westerns, maybe you'd be surprised to know that there is an actor whom you've never heard of that is a mere 17 murders behind John Wayne in that genre (not counting his war movies). Maybe you're a 17 year old who started smoking pot and you're interested in that genre so you look up directors to see who has the most pot references and you learn about Kevin Smith and Judd Apatow.

Then you could also cheer for your favorite actor in his new movie to surpass a milestone. Like if Seth Rogan can just be high for 11 on-screen minutes, he could into 3rd place all time behind Cheech and Chong. Or if Antonio Banderas can somehow find a way to bed 3 broads, he'll crack the top 10. Maybe a nutsack like Frankie Muniz would explore certain obscure genres in an effort to crack multiple Top 5 lists in categories thereby giving his career some semblance of a legacy- most time doing a voice over for a gerbil, most times by a guy playing an adolescent female, oldest male to play a pubescent teen in the awkward stage, or # of times getting knocked out by one righthand by a guy that his girlfriend is cheating on him with.

Wouldn't a website like that be rad? Go start one!