Polekat $lim: A Brief History of American Fatassedness

By: Polekat $lim

Goddamn we're lazy...

You know, America is a country based on convenience, but I think we've gone a little too far with some of this stuff.. I mean, how lazy can we actually get?

See it started some generations ago with TV dinners.... People come home from work and are too tired to make a full course meal, so they throw everything together in an easily microwavable tray and try to convince people it tastes relatively similar to real food.. Not a bad idea... Not very good, but not a bad idea, nonetheless.. By the way, what the hell, exactly, is a Salisbury Steak? Did this actually exist before the advent of TV dinner or was it a name conjured up by Stouffers to dress up dog food grade beef? I mean, "Salisbury Steak" does sound better than "Salisbury Horse", but I digress....

Next we get to washer/dryer combos in the same unit, DVD/VCR, sometimes installed IN the TV, Swiss Army knives (another useless invention because all anyone ever uses are the knife and scissors, and loses the toothpick and tweezers) and all kinds of other multifunctional pieces of shit that throw everything we need into one portable device..

Shit, the other day I was at the liquor store... yeah I know, no surprise, and I couldn't believe what all was prepackaged.. Is it really that hard to mix vodka and juice? I understand a Long Island Ice Tea, you don't always wanna carry around four or five liquors and mixers, but a Screwdriver??!!!

In high school it was that jar of peanut butter and jelly that was pre-mixed... I thought that was the epitome of laziness. I mean, how hard is it to make a peanut-butter-and-jelly-sandwich people? What's next? Are we just gonna' throw some croutons in the jar and eat the sandwich through a fucking straw? I mean, my girlfriend in college didn't realize the first time she made mac and cheese that you were supposed to drain the water before you mixed the cheese powder.... THAT was pretty fucking stupid... But even she wasn't too brain dead to know how to make a fucking PB&J sandy...

Now they've got these "cereal bars" with dehydrated milk coatings? Huh? did I miss something? Are we too lazy or in too much of a hurry to even make and eat a bowl of cereal? I mean, damn. I think if there were a way to make water even more convenient (other than bottling it and quadrupling the price) Someone's gonna market it.. I know, the Dasani IV, so you don't even need to pick up the bottle, you just plug in and adjust the drip....

Oh, but it gets worse...

So I'm sitting around watching TV and I see a KFC commercial. You probably know that KFC now has a "Bowl thingee".. It's a bowl of mashed potatoes, with a couple spoonfuls of corn, topped with chunks of fried pseudo chicken, then cheese melted on top.....

What the hell??!!! Are we that lazy people? Are we in too much of a hurry to just throw all of our lunch/dinner into a bowl and scarf it? I mean, it's all mixed coming out, but really... It doesn't have to be that way going in..... does it? This takes lack of effort, creativity, and just overall dignity out of a meal, as well as corporate marketing.... Picture this board meeting.....

"Shit people, we are running out of ways to sell various kinds of chicken and sides and we're losing valuable ground.... What are your ideas?"

"How about we NOT sell something new, but take what we sell now and throw it all in a bowl so people don't have to waste valuable energy moving their arm and fork to another bowl......"

"Brilliant.... get on it..."

But it's not just KFC... Look at McDonald's and Burger King... Take your pancakes, french toast, sausage, bacon, whatever and just make a sandwich out of the whole breakfast....

I swear, I'm waiting for the damn burger that has the fries as a topping, so you can just take your whole meal down in a few bites... Salsa with chips in the jar, soup and salad in the same bowl...

And the worst part about this is that you're paying someone to make it for you.. So now you are not only making an excuse for why you are to lazy to make your food from separate containers, but you're too lazy to even eat it from a separate container...

Maybe with all the time people save by not actually having to make food, or even pause to switch entrees, they could do some running or something to shave off some of that lard.....

Yeah I still doubt it...

Still phat, still greezey,

Polekat $lim

Polekat $lim's Fast Food Friday

A buddy of mine has decided to take the plunge/forego his dignity and do some writing for WhereAwesomeHappens. He writes under the name Polekat $lim, and I'm not going to tell you whether that's a pseudonym or not. I think you'll enjoy his smart-assed, if irreverent viewpoints, the magnitude of his annoyances with certain things, and the occasional arbitrary nature of his annoyances. While he may come off at first as kind of condescending, I assure you, he's that way after a while too.

Note: When he sent this to me it was centered, so I'm keeping it centered to preserve his artistic vision.

By: Polekat $lim

So……I decided to start the day with the one thing that makes every fat kid feel good. McDonalds breakfast.

So I go inside, because the drive thru was moving about as fast as me on a Saturday morning. Okay, what the f* is up with fast food these days? Does anyone ever question the system in place at one of these places? How many people does it take to make a damn Egg McMuffin?, I mean, I'm surprised they didn't have the damn chicken back there. I tried to stare around the beast that was taking my order, whose teeth were growing out of her lips, and I swear there were like thirty Oompa-Loompas all engaged in some sort of tribal deep-frying ritual that had to do with anything BUT getting my hash browns. On top of that, every person on the damn register had to call a manager over. Last time I checked, the keys on a fast food register had the food names on them, and I wouldn't be surprised to see pictures too. Apparently, the IQ of some of these people is so low you can't test it, you have to dig for it. I say this because nowhere in the English language (And I think this includes white-kid-gangsta-ebonics) does the phrase "Egg McMuffin" sound anything like "Breakfast Burrito". And I swear if I get cut off in line by one more bitchy parent complaining that their kid already has this week's toy and they want a new one, I'm gonna go postal.

And does anyone ever notice how they never give you napkins if your order is to go? I mean, does this make sense? Everytime I get a to-go order at some deep-fried animal fat chain restaurant, it's because I'm in a hurry. Now, I guess I understand the principle of keeping the line moving, efficiency is a great business principle. But when there are six bags on the counter, with receipts next to them and every ten seconds, another B-Rabbit-looking 8 Mile reject pokes his head into those bags, do you think it would be too much to ask his tricked out Saturn driving ass to throw a few napkins in?

Same thing with drinks. Apparently, while in the midst of worshiping the fry gods, no one has the time to fill a damn drink. I now have to turn around and wait for some old geezer to find the coffee pot that seems like it's been out the least amount of time, or wait while some soccer mom encourages her Satan spawn to get his own drink. What the fuck??!! Yeah lady your kid is cute, but if he stops to turn around and talk to you while he's filling his orange drink to ask if he can get cookies one more time, I'm gonna punt him into the janitor bucket that the handicapped guy is using to mop the floor.

Mopping the floor where people are standing, mind you.

So I finally get my drink, Take my Egg Mc-Burrito, slip on the floor on my way out and leave...

Maybe dieting won't be that hard this year.....

And I still forgot to get fucking napkins........

Polekat $lim is far from lovin it