How Cool am I? Try "Cool as Ice". Word.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


I wasn't sure how to start this entry so I'll try both starts and let you decide.

1) the straightforward: I recently saw on HBO a movie I've always wanted to see, Cool as Ice starring Vanilla Ice. I had always assumed it was like this really cheesey, awkward, outdated-while-it-was-being-made movie written by white people for white people about a guy who acts black. And thank Sweet Baby Jesus, I was right. It was the best/worst movie I've seen in years, maybe ever.

or

2) the roundabout: People ask me all the time why it is that I like awesome movies. Usually when I tell them that I think they're better, generally speaking, than crappy movies, they agree with me. So with that approach to movie watching in mind, I put down my remote control the other night when I saw HBO was playing Cool As Ice, starring Vanilla Ice.


I think 2 was probably better.


Anyway. So I knew that the movie was gonna be awful/awesome, but what I didn't know was that it's actually supposed to be a hip-hop version of Rebel Without a Cause. I caught only the second half of Cool as Ice, and I haven't seen all of Rebel Without a Cause either, so I wasn't able to see just how parallel the two movies are. But I didn't need to.

Another enjoyable aspect of this epic is that it serves as a great period piece for what I think was the worst era/genre of dress during my lifetime: early 90's hip-hop. I'm talking like Skidz, The Merry Go Round store at the mall, Z. Cavaricci jeans, Cross Colors. Think like early TLC videos, In Living Color, wearing the shorts/suspender combos, but with one or BOTH straps down so they functioned just as shorts. I mean, all that is captured in this movies. So is that odd "fad" that never caught on of dudes wearing ball-hats that had like flat metal on the front of it. That never really took off.

In that last paragraph I almost felt like one of those sweater-and-khaki wearing dweebs from Time-Life commercials talking about how wonderful and timeless this collection is to help you fall in love all over again with era that made you fall in love: The crappy Hip Hop clothing era. It's all here in this one-part DVD titled Cool As Ice. There's no obligation, and you can cancel at anytime. Then my Susie Homemaker wife could enter the room, give me a perfunctory kiss, look at the camera and chime in with a "T.R. and I met during that era. It's where we had our first kiss, and fell in love. When he told me about this Time-Life offer, I had to have it immediately. It's like we're wigger-loving 16 year old suburbanites all over again. *sigh*"

Anyway, here are some more things you will need to know before you begin your journey down memory lane.

Here's the IMDB page for the movie (again), and the Wikiepdia page.

Every good movie with a cheese-dick rebel needs not only a goodie-two-shoes love interest, but she has to have an over-protective wussy dad to go along with her. I know what you are asking yourself, and yes, her dad is played by Michael Gross, who many of you know as Alex P. Keaton's dad on Family Ties.

You might also be saying, "Big deal, T.R.. I like movies only if they involve horses reacting to motorcycles." Well, you might want to watch this clip then.


In all seriousness, this was where the movie was I when clicked on it. You can see why I was hooked. I mean, when was the last time you saw Vanilla Ice's areolas?


Check out the :52 mark. You can see the sleeve of his coat it says "sex me up".


This is the movie's intro. How Vanilla never had legitimate street-cred is beyond me. I couldn't decide which line of his from his rap intro to single out and make fun of, so just listen to all of it. Changed my mind. "Ice don't panic, he just gets romantic." is the big winner.



Stop this one :20 seconds in and just think about how excited you are to see how it unfolds. If you're ever gonna write book called "Turning That Mother Out 101" this scene would have to be heavily cited. (please note that they do speak English in the movie, but French in this clip). Vanilla is a many splendid man, but multi-lingualism is not one of his splendors.



If you are still undecided about whether or not this movie is for you, I hope you're wearing steel-toed-boots. Because, Ice doesn't be droppin' mad knowledge, kid.



You man let's get outta here. Word to your mother.