T.R.'s Assumptive Movie Reviews

Some of my myriad of readers will recall this article from a previous blog I wrote for. Since that blog is new effectively defunct, and inexplicably is disallowing pictures, I decided to run it again here. With pictures.


By T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

As you may recall from the previous installment, this is the column where I review movies I have not seen based upon how I assume they're going to be.

Alexandra- I was deciding what to do with some free time the other day and I thought, "I am just so sick of hearing everyone on the news talking about the war in Iraq. Everyone seems to have an opinion, yet no one shuts up about Iraq. I just don't want to hear about it anymore. There are plenty of other wars to drone on about, why isolate just this war! I want to watch a movie where the director charges us admission, so we can have the right to watch him put in his two-cents about the the Russian occupation of Chechnya." You can imagine my delight when I realized Alexandra was showing at my local cineplex. It's got everything I look for in a war movie- political opinion, a very slow pace, and the courage to convey the message that war is actually sad and not always as fun as it appears to be.

Bottle Shock- If you liked Sideways but felt annoyed at how it was entertaining and witty, then this is the movie for you. Similarly, if while watching Rocky defeat Ivan Drago you thought "I mean I guess this is ok, but it would be much cooler if instead of boxing it were a chardonnay tasting/competition, and instead of taking on Russia we took on the French.", then this is definitely your movie. It felt like an infomercial from the Napa Valley Chamber of Commerce, but more schmaltzy. And not the good kind of schmaltzy, the lame kind. One improvement over Sideways however, was it's lack of dudeity (dude nudity). It is possible for a wine movie to not have dudeity, it's about time Hollywood producers got it right

Hellboy II- This movie isn't about Billy Bush, it's about a superhero. I know, the title is misleading. At first I thought this movie sucked, then after a few more minutes of viewing I thought it still sucked. Then after the movie was over I thought it sucked.

This movie is your for you if: You are fed up with super hero movies that don't suck.

Hellride- Hilariously awful. It's about feuding geezer motorcycle gangs. Seriously. Quentin Tarrantino was the executive producer, so you know this film has all the pretension and seriousness that make it ripe for a good pointing-and-laughing. Now you may be thinking "Oh, a motorcycle gang- well, what kind of motorcycle gang? The kind that rides around committing random acts of kindness, or the rough and tumble variety?" But the clever insertion of the word "Hell" in the title lets you know right away that they are indeed the latter.

This movie is for you if: You've always wanted to see a man wearing Depends underneath his leather chaps while committing a felony on the big screen.

NOTE: Michael Madsen was in this movie. I mention this because He had the hands-down most pathetic moment in the history of MTV Cribs. First of all, in true Los Angelino fashion he began the tour by mentioning how he bought the house from....TED DANSON..., like we should give a shit. Then while showing off his bathroom and playing up the Old-Hollywood historical appeal of his house he said "Lots of famous people have used that bathtub...Ted Danson, Whoopi Goldberg......Elliot Gould has also used it." Real dope, Michael. Real dope.

Man on a Wire- I saw the preview for this before I saw Gonzo, the Hunter S. Thompson documentary. This movie was actually awesome. It's a documentary about a French dude walking across a tight rope between the twin towers in 1974. There is actually a great deal of drama as there were endless complications with legal authorities, and the illegality of the act heightens the intensity of the film.

This movie is for you if: You enjoy seeing Frenchmen in harm's way.

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor- The genre of film that most consistently disappoints is definitely action. I touched upon this in my last assumptive movie review column, so I won't re-harp on it, but this movie is no exception. It's a franchise. While we all want to see Brendan Fraser get killed (in the movie and in real life), you know isn't going to. He's also by far the least believable action "star" of all time. There is a lot about Hollywood that just baffles me and his career is right at the top of that list. There is no reason to watch this film.

This movie is for you if: you agree that Brenden Fraser:Sean Connery::Frank Sinatra: Clay Aiken. Otherwise, you'll think this movie blows and Brenden is a total poontang.

Pineapple Express- When my friend asked, "Did you see that Seth Rogen is in a new movie?", I first said "No" then my friend said he'd give me five chances to guess what kind of character Rogan plays in this movie. My guesses were as follows: 1. A Tai Chi instructor from Kyoto (incorrect), 2. A Frenchman, elite jewel thief (incorrect) 3. A debonair Greek tycoon/playboy (incorrect) 4. A shrewed Turkish trader with a heart of gold in a 1870's period piece (incorrect) and 5. Shakespeare's Richard III (incorrect also). You can imagine my shock when I found out that Seth plays an overweight, hairy stoner in this one. I actually thought my friend was lying, but it turns out he wasn't. Seth plays a stoner in this one. You can add this to the list of Hollywood certainties now along with: Al Pacino's character is gonna scream, Michael Douglas will play a greedy a-hole and scream, Gwyneth Paltrow will play a delicate flower-of-a-woman who is wronged by the man she's in a relationship with and do her little cutesy downtrodden face, and Julia Roberts will attempt to play a woman whose charms are irresistible. Congratulations Seth!

This movie is cliched and has been done before. I think what happened was Rogen and his friends were like, "Dude, whenever we're high everything is funnier. If we could somehow get high and write a movie, then act it out while we're high, it would be hilarious, right??" Sure it was probably funny to them, but not to us.

This movie is for you if: You are high, but not wanting to have a good time.