TR Slyder Stand-up: Tiger Woods Edition

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter


When a call-girl shows up at Tiger's hotel room, she arrives to see Tiger Woods. But when he leaves, he's more like Ickey Woods.

Don't forget to tip your waitress, thanks for coming and please drive safely.







I'm T.R. Slyder, and that's how you Tangueray.










That's how I roll.

Just Please Stop

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Forgive my ghetto stem and leaf graph, but you get the idea. A better version can be found here.
Each X represents a Major Tournament victor by Tiger Woods in that year (of a possible four). (The "I" is supposed to be a dividing line. I said it was ghetto.)

1997 I X
1998 I
1999 I X
2000I XXX
2001 I X
2002 I XX
2003 I
2004 I
2005 I XX
2006 I XX
2007 I X
2008 I X
2009 I


Tiger Woods missed the cut at the British Open. Before you accuse me of hubris- I think he's an amazing person/competitor/athlete. I think that he and Michael Jordan stand alone in their intense competitive spirit in the modern American sports age. *deep exhalation*

That being said. I'm sick of all of this adulation. I understand that sports make money thorough the marketing of stars, and he's a transcendent star in a mostly, yawn-inducing sport. But enough. From 2001-2006, he was on pace to shatter every golf record and sprint across the threshold of the Jack Nicklaus- "Best Golfer Ever" Finish Line and keep on sprinting, only to finish at an unachievable endpoint. But now, it looks as though he'll walk across that line, hands on hips, and will peter out not far after.

I'm sick of Tigermania. It's over. It was over, I was just the only one that admitted it. I still think he's the best golfer ever, just not by the same margin people used to think. He's very, very good. And that is all. No longer relevant are the questions, "Who will win this upcoming tournament- Tiger, or the field?". Maybe we should start paying more collective attention to who all entails this "Field" entity, since they've won 21 of the last 27 majors.

Tigermania has been overly-genuflective for a long time now, but it became unbearable over Father's Day weekend when I learned that Tiger is the only human to ever admire, much less love, his father. That notion was re-jack hammered into my skull a month later when Tiger hosted his own tournament, which he won. Tiger's cool, his dad's cool, you're cool, I'm cool. But please stop.

Nothing against Tiger- he's a great golfer and the guy loves his dad- both good things. But the old, unathletic whitey bastards who comprise the media are offensively all-too-eager to lick the floor Tiger spits on.

I'll say it. I'm glad he missed the cut at the British Open. I DO care who wins the British Open- even without him- Take that Jim Nantz, and everyone who has ever been on ESPN. I never pick Tiger over The Field. I am ok with golf, but not it's current separatist banter.

I admitted it long ago whitey media, you'd be wise to learn from me: The Tiger Woods that you think about while you tell teary-eyed tales, cross-legged, while sipping your white zinfandel in your Ashworth shirts, no longer exists. The man lives, still golfs and plays well, but allow me to be your own Friedrich Nietzsche, and sober you opiated mass: Your God Is Dead.

Oh, and do I need to apologize for being the only person in American that remembers that Tiger's Ryder Cup record is 7-11-2?