First Annual Awesomey Awards

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Recently I've been inspired by the wealth of awesomeness in our Pop Cultureosphere. Being a big believer in giving credit where and when credit is due, I'd like to hand out a few awards for achievement in awesomeness.

The Award for The Punk Musician that Most Emodies EVERYTHING That Punk's Founding Fathers Had in Mind: Avril Lavigne.

The Awesomey Award for Coolest Dude Possible: Jason Mraz

The Awesomey for Music Legend Who is Totally Still Pushing the Envelope, and REALLY Pissing off the Establish and Hasn't Lost her Edge Whatsoever: Madonna. -Who else would think to liken a Republican leader to Hitler? That is not vapid hyperbole. It's MegaGenius. Not to mention shocking. The only opinions that matter to me regarding American Politics are those of Khabbalists that live in England.

The Awesomey for Person who will Definitely be not Only Famous in 35 Years but a Business Titan as Well: That smiley blond poontang dude from the Hills. Total visionary.


(I'll forego the intros now and just get to the category and this year's Awesomey winner)

Three Chicks who I am Most Certain Have not had Lip-Injections: Melanie Griffith, Heidi Fleiss and Melissa Rivers.

Best Movie Actor: Nicholas Cage. -This win ends Josh Hartnett's impressive 4 year run in this category. You'll recall that Josh ended Matthew McConaghey's 9 year-run.

Guy who Assembles the Best Bands: Puff Daddy.

Best Combination of Talent and Natural Boobies: Brooke Hogan.

Best Collection of Dancers Under one Roof: The Republican National Convention

Currently Running Show That Never got Less Cool: Entourage

Musician That When I Hear his Name I Instantly Think "Musician", and not "Fame-Whore D-Bag, Who Doesn't Have Song This Decade I Can Name": John Mayer. A Musician's musician. I refuse to take seriously any straight male musician who hasn't made out with Perez Hilton.

Most Expressive Face: Meg Ryan. Better luck next year to the other nominees: Cindy McCain, Theresa Heinz-Kerry, Melanie Griffith, Nicole Kidman, Joan Rivers, Melissa Rivers, Priscilla Pressley, Lara Flynn Boyle, Janice Dickinson, and Axl Rose.

Smoothest Transition From Child Actor to Adult Actor: Corey Haim

Most Believable Person who Denies Ass Implants: Kim Kardashian.

Most Likely to Turn Down Appearances in a "Celebrity" Reality Show: Vincent Pastore and Screech.

Chick I've Never Question What All the Buzz was About: Jennifer Garner.

Sexiest and Most Functional New Fashion Trend: Chicks wearing summer scarves

Dude I've Never Questioned What All The Buzz was About: Zach Braff. (this also ends Josh Hartnett's 4 year win-streak in this category as well, who ended Drew Carey's 2-year reign.)

Reality Show Participant Who I've Grown to Respect and Admire as a Result of Seeing More of him: Hulk Hogan.

Actor Who Truly Resents Their Fame and Cares Only About the Craft of Acting: Lindsay Lohan. Better luck next year to: Hayden Panatierre, Josh Hartnett, Adrien Grenier, Wilmer Valderama, Jessica Simpson, Vivica A. Fox, Ashton Kutcher, Owen Wilson, Tara Reid, and Mischa Barton.

Guaranteed Future Oscar Winner: New York from Flavor Flav's show.

Athelete Most Antithetical to the Word "Goober": Eli Manning.

Two Guys I Most Wish Had a Megaphone: Chris Matthews and That English Chef whose hair is always in his face that yells at everyone, Gordon Ramsey. Those two are simply not loud enough for my liking.

Most Cutting-Edge User of Slang, who I try to Imitate and Whose Autobiography I am DYING to Read: Randy Jackson.

Sexiest Boob-to-Arm-Fat Ratio: Rachel Ray

Least Predictible Political Pundits: Rachel Maddow, Keith Olberman and Bill O'Reilly.

Most Originally Mystique-laden Person who Doesn't Even Have to try to Achieve his Awesome Level of Mysterious Awesomeness: Chriss Angel. Congratulations on your effortless achievements. No one at all thinks you try way too hard. No seriously.

Achievement in Journalistic Integrity: Erin Andrew's Breasts and Buttocks.

Chicks who Got Exponentially Hotter After They got Married: Catherine Zeta-Jones and Katie Holmes.

Guy Who I Wished Wore More Accessories: Johnny Depp. When a Fedora, multiple rings, painted fingernails, glasses, a scarf, necklaces and tattoos aren't enough, what do you do? Go with a leather wrist thingy. Works every time.

Actor Least Likely to Scream in a Movie: Al Pacino

Person who Most Needs to Stop Blogging and Share More of Himself with the Public who Totally Demands to see and Hear MUCH More of him: Perez Hilton.

TV Dad Whose Indoor Sunglasses Wearing I Most Undertand: Bill Cosby.

Hip Hop Leftovers I Wish Would Talk More About Themselves: Puff Daddy and Ice-T.

Most Happy-Go-Lucky SNL Alum: Chevy Chase.

The Show I Wish Comedy Central Would Show More Often: Scrubs.

Most Handsome Woman: Rosie O'Donnell.

The Viewers Choice Award, decided on by you, the fans: If you Could Change One Thing About The Movie Business it Would Be.......and you said: More remakes of classic movies!

The Actor who Takes on the Most Challenging Roles That are a Complete Departure From Himself in Real Life, and Really Mixes up his Roles: Michael Douglas.

The Actress Takes on the Most Challenging Roles That are a Complete Departure From Herself in Real Life, and Really Mixes up her Roles: Cameron Diaz.

Least Likely to Purse her Lips and Blush During her Role in a Movie: Oh wow, we have a tie.... Julia Roberts and Gwyneth Paltrow!