Getting the Cubs Back on Track: An Open Letter to Lou Piniella

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



Lou,

I'm a Cubs fan, not a masochist. With that in mind, let's get right to it.

1. Don't lead off Soriano ever again. If he isn't in one of his twice-a-year hitting streaks, he kinda sucks. He says that he feels most comfortable leading off. Based on his flailing failures at the plate last night, would you use the word "comfortable" to describe him? Me neither. Since he's 0% comfortable, bat him 7th or 8th so he his discomfort can be swept under the rug a bit more, instead of ruining the top of order.

2. Bench Fukudome. You can put him in for defensive purposes later in the game to protect a lead, but let's actually try to acquire a lead first. And it's been difficult as of late to acquire a lead with him in the lineup and Soriano leading off. Put DeRosa in right, and Fontenot at second. I realize DeRo isn't 100% but he's a gamer, he'll be fine. Even if he makes a 2-base error, it can't be worse than what Fukudome does at the plate.

3. Make sure Zambrano is hydrated tonight, and doesn't get his Matt Foley on and drink coffee in the clubhouse for 4 hours (1:22 mark) before the game.


That's it. Do those and keep doing what you've been doing.


Awesome Regards,


T.R.

Open Letter to Keira Knightley

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Keira,

I know you're busy, so I'll keep it brief. What the hell happened? That wasn't rhetorical, I want an answer; and I think answering that would do you and your career a lot of good as well. Here is the thought that every single dude had when they first saw you, "Wow, that girl's gorgeous. Cute accent.....She seems like she's kinda cool." Now when people see you they think "God, shut up. No wait.... eat first, then shut up- eat while you're shutting up..... then turn down doing another period piece for once, all while staying shut up. Then when you're allowed to speak again talk about something other than yourself and media misconceptions in all of your interviews."

What happened between then and now, Keira? Keira, look at me: What happened? I'm sure it's hard to achieve hotness and then maintain it. And as a dude, I know it's VERY hard for a chick to ruin her hotness by being a moron. You've done all three, but only two are good. I hate to see you this way, how can I help?


T.R. Slyder