An Open Letter to Bostonian Athletics

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


If this posting seems disjointed or scattered, it's because Boston is so stupid that I have so much ground to cover, I apologize. After the Celtics humiliated the Bulls last night, my friend in Boston taunted me. This is my retort.

First off I guess is what the hell is going on with your human-themed sports team names? Rational American cities name their teams after animals- Bears, Bulls, Cubs, Cardinals, Timberwolves, Dolphins, Falcons, Hawks, Bobcats, Marlins, etc. Your human themes are just creepy. No shit your time comprises humans, think of something creative. In essence, the Patriotss and Celtics are named "the Boston People", that isn't nickname, it's just restating your identity. That's like a guy named Bill telling you that his nickname is "Bill", that's not the point of a nickname, you dick. Furthermore, you d-bags are mispronouncing the world Celtic. Not only is your "nickname" simply "the people"it is not even pronounced correctly.

Your other sports nicknames aren't much better. Red Sox? That isn't how you spell socks. That's seriously your nickname? Someone felt so passionately about wearing red socks that they had to name their team that? How gay would you have to be to do that? Sure the White Sox are named after white socks, but everyone wears white socks. Who wears red ones? Then goes out and names a team after them? Secondly, what's gayer, naming your franchise after red socks or your bent over Patriots original logo? Lets not forget that the Patriot is ready to hike the ball. Depending on how you differentiate them, there are about 10 different positions in football and the Patriots logo depicts a center- the only position in sports that involves having a man's hands on your taint. Congratulations Boston, of all the positions you could make your logo, you chose the gay one. Speaking of gay, how about that Celtics logo fella? His gayness speaks for itself, so I won't go into detail, but if you Bostonians are so crazy about Red Socks, why is he wearing white socks? Plus, who is he winking at? Gay. I bet he is well-versed in Gaelic, if you know what I mean.

What about the Bruins? Do you really have that many bears in boston? You don't even have a zoo. Secondly, if you are known as "beantown" maybe you shouldn't have a team nickname that is a homophone with "Brewin' ", team nicknames that hint at impending flatulence are not charming or dignified, but at least the nickname isn't human-themed and it is spelled and pronounced correctly, I guess that's progress for you.

I will let you Bostonians in on a secret is known only to everyone else that speaks English - "H" and "R" are not the same letter and should be pronounced differently. After a long day when we finally put our feet up and say "aahhhh" we aren't making a pirate sound. When you do that and say, "ahhhh" I think you people are trying to say "arrrrrr", but you pronounce them the same. When your doctor uses a tongue-depresser on you, he doesn't want to hear your pirate impression, he wants you to say "aahhhhh". Remember that. If we wanted a car to be pronounced "caaaaa" we wouldn't bother putting the letter "r" on the end. It was done for a reason, so you may as well go ahead and pronounce it. If "harbor" were meant to be pronounced "ha-ba", its spelling would reflect that. Think about that.

While I will concede that Boston was useful to us during colonial times, we really have no current use for it. It's as vestigial as the appendix, tonsils and dude nips. Boston: The dude nips of America. You are about as useful as Dunfee, Indiana, unless of course, you are passionate about gay sports logos or you're an enthusiast for mispronunciation, then it's like your Jerusalem.