Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Worst News Possible: Blagojevich DENIED Permission to Appear on Reality Show

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Man of Dignity, Rod Blagojevich is not allowed to travel to Costa Rica to film the reality show, I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, as reported today in the Chicago Tribune. So many random thoughts swirling through my head right now...Where to begin? (btw: Sun-Times' piece on it is here)

  • First and foremost, my thoughts and prayers are with me and my family at this time. I REALLY wanted this show to happen. Phone calls to myself have not yet been returned, but surely, I must be devasted.
  • Despite what I reported last night, this is obvious proof that god does not exist.
  • Newspapers wonder why their circulation is down and their industry is hurting so badly. Well, maybe its because you print such depressing news all the time! If the Trib had any brains at all, they would have lied to us about this, then left the factual reporting to television, thereby making them the bad guy. It's like when you go to a friend's house, take a plop in his toilet, don't flush then leave. Of course he's gonna get blamed for it, despite his innocence.
  • So THIS is what people mean when they say life isn't fair.
  • This ruling is unconstitutional. We are entitled to "Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" by the Constitution....oh wait....*hand to my ear* I'm just receiving word that the United States Constitution does NOT guarantee that, rather it appears in the Declaration of Independence. Well, still....
  • The ruling is un-Declaration of Independence-ish! I guess this judge still wishes we were ruled by an English King.
  • Speaking of the judge, I have a picture of him from childhood.
  • Looks like Daddy had a few too many of those Bartles and Jaymes. So really, the judge wasn't ruling against Blagojevich, he was ruling against his imprudent father. To bring it all full circle, I bet the judge played the guitar while reading his verdict too, just for closure.


Update: In my own words, this is kinda how I feel, regarding my anticipation for watching a Rod Blagojevich-less I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here:

Talking Derby: Odds and Ends


By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


I was too lazy to get into my my folder to find a horse racing pic and that one was on my desktop, so I just posted it. I like it, but feel bad for the Orangutan. But any Orangutan willing to wear a life-preserver is a good sport in my book.

Fun's over, lets get down to biznass.

Dr. Kevin- please note that your boy is currently in 33rd.

Monday, April 20, 2009

FUPA's Kill Baby Polar Bears


By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com




It's Science. Told ya so.

Talking Derby, Plagarism Style: Steve Haskin Back in the Habit

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

This is Steve doing what he does when he isn't snubbing TR Slyder.

Anyway, this article is proof of why he's an indispensable read come Derby time. Next week he'll be trackside at Churchill giving us masterful reports of the Derby workouts.



Taken from here

Ky. Derby Trail: Derby Dynamics

Updated: Monday, April 20, 2009 4:53 PM
Posted: Monday, April 20, 2009 4:53 PM


This final Derby Trail column before departing for Louisville is more of a potpourri of thoughts, scenarios, angles, trivia, and a touch of nonsense.

Before the major works start up, let’s take a preliminary look at the different aspects of this year’s Derby, beginning with historical trends. Although they will be prevalent this year, should take them as seriously as we used to?

Dunkirk has a double whammy to overcome, including the mother of all whammies – the dreaded Apollo curse of never having raced as a 2-year-old. The other – only three career starts – was shattered last year by Big Brown after 93 years. This year’s field, however, is much more talented and deeper from top to bottom. It is interesting to note that in those 93 years, only eight horses attempted it before Curlin and Big Brown, and all of them were obscure longshots. So, in this day and age of handling horses with kid gloves, and with more and more talented horses paying little heed to this trend, it might not be as big an obstacle as one would think.

It is ironic that the three-career-start whammy has been broken, but four career starts still exists, with Exterminator in 1918 being the last to accomplish that. Quality Road will try to break that one.

As for Apollo, the last favorite to attempt to win the Derby without racing at 2 was Air Forbes Won in 1982 in what was a very weak Derby field. And he was not a strong favorite. Since then, the average price of the horses who have tried it is 25-1, not including the six horses who were in the mutuel field. The lowest priced horses at 5-1were Curlin and Pulpit, and Curlin had a troubled trip and came back the win the Preakness, and Pulpit came out of the race with career-ending injury. Is it an ideal way to go into the Derby? Certainly not. I am still a firm believer that a horse needs a good foundation for the Derby. But so many trends have been broken in recent years that we should at least keep an open mind about it, especially if the horse involved is as gifted as Dunkirk.

In 2006, Barbaro took care of the theory that you couldn’t win the Derby off a layoff of more than four weeks. That hadn’t been done since Needles in 1956, and now it’s been done twice in the last three years off five-week layoffs. And Hard Spun finished second in 2007 off a six-week layoff. The horse trying to make history this year is Friesan Fire, who comes from the same barn as Hard Spun.

Remember when you couldn’t win the Derby with only two starts as a 3-year-old? Sunny’s Halo (who had 11 starts at 2) was the only horse to accomplish that in 61 years. Well, Street Sense and Big Brown have done it the past two years. Since 1986, Bold Arrangement, Best Pal, Victory Gallop, Lion Heart , and Closing Argument all finished second coming off only two starts.

Let’s also remember that Funny Cide single-handedly destroyed two other so-called curses – being a gelding (Clyde Van Dusen in 1929) and a New York-bred (first-time in history).

So, even if you’re a believer in historic trends, as I have always been, remember that times are changing, and quickly. Who knows what a horse can accomplish nowadays.

************

There have been several comments recently, claiming that the Derby is a two-horse race between I Want Revenge and Quality Road, based on their superior speed figures. But let’s look at two possible scenarios that could result in potential upsets from opposite ends of the field.

The big question at this point is, who will be the pace factors? We know Papa Clem has early lick if they want to use it, but he came from fifth to win the Arkansas Derby. Will Godolphin run Regal Ransom, the front-running winner of the UAE Derby? If they do, he likely will be the pacesetter. And will the speedy Join in the Dance make the starting field? He currently is at No. 22, and his owners have said they will run if he gets in. And you can bet that his trainer, Todd Pletcher, would love to see him in there to cut out a good pace for Dunkirk.

If Godolphin wanted to use a little sly strategy, they could enter Regal Ransom to possibly keep Join in the Dance out. If they succeed, they could have the only true speed in the race with a legitimate shot to wire the field or help set it up for Desert Party. If Join in the Dance makes it into the race anyway, then they can scratch Regal Ransom if they want and save him for the Preakness.

For those jockeys who would tend to pay little attention to Regal Ransom on the lead, remember War Emblem. Regal Ransom is a horse who earned a spectacular “2” Thoro-Graph number in his career debut last year, so he has a strong foundation to fall back on.

The other distinct possibility is that if the pace is soft, Quality Road could go to the front. He probably has more natural speed than anyone in the field, and who in their right mind is going to want to take him on and pretty much kill their chances of winning?

If Regal Ransom and Join in the Dance both run there should be an honest pace. If the fractions are testing or start to pick up noticeably after five-eighths of a mile, remember that I Want Revenge, Quality Road, Friesan Fire, General Quarters, Musket Man, and Desert Party (although he could take farther back) all should be fairly close together and will be making their moves at around the same time. Most of those horses have registered triple-digit Beyers, including highs of 113 by I Want Revenge and Quality Road.

But, keep in mind the 2005 Derby, when the slower horses were supposedly no match for Wood Memorial winner Bellamy Road (120 Beyer), Arkansas Derby winner Afleet Alex (108 Beyer), Blue Grass winner Bandini (103 Beyer), Louisiana Derby winner High Limit (105 Beyer), Illinois Derby winner Greeley's Galaxy (106 Beyer), and Florida Derby winner High Fly (102 Beyer). All, with the exception of Afleet Alex, had similar running styles to the 2009 horses mentioned above. They all made their moves at the same time after a wicked pace and all were cooked by the three-sixteenths pole, setting it up one of the so-called slow closers, Giacomo , at 50-1. No one knows what kind of pace we’ll have this year. It likely will not be as fast as in 2005, but you can be sure all those aforementioned horses will be moving together, making for a contentious cavalry charge approaching the quarter pole.

On the move behind them should be Pioneerof the Nile, Dunkirk, Hold Me Back, Chocolate Candy, Win Willy, Mr. Hot Stuff, Summer Bird, and West Side Bernie. That’s a lot of classy, well-bred closers to contend with in the stretch.

*****************

If Quality Road wins the Derby, here is a question: When was the last time, if ever, a father and son owned and bred different winners of the Kentucky Derby? Edward P. Evans owns and bred Quality Road. His father, Thomas Mellon Evans, owned and bred the 1981 Derby winner Pleasant Colony? If it has been done, it was a very long time ago.

*****************

When Dunkirk and Regal Ransom step on to the track for the Derby, take a close look at them and think of this: Dunkirk is four months older than Regal Ransom. Dunkirk was born on Jan. 23 and Regal Ransom was born on May 26 and won’t turn 3 until 10 days after the Preakness. That means that Regal Ransom was a mere baby in Dubai competing against several Southern Hemisphere 4-year-olds who were some 10 months older than him.

If Regal Ransom doesn’t run, then you can look next to Musket Man, who was born on May 10, followed by Pioneerof the Nile on May 5. Ironically, Pioneerof the Nile is one of the most experienced horses in the Derby with eight starts, while Dunkirk is the least experienced horse with only three starts.

Dunkirk and Musket Man have an interesting comparison. The more physically mature Dunkirk sold as a yearling for $3.7 million. Musket Man sold at the same sale for $15,000. In other words, you could have bought 246 Musket Mans for the price of one Dunkirk. Will the pauper wind up wealthier than the prince come Derby Day?

******************

Do you remember the Fighting Sullivans? Well, meet the Scrapping Smart Strikes. When was the last time you saw four tougher, grittier sons from the same stallion than Papa Clem, English Channel , Curlin, and Fabulous Strike? Can you name the only American horse to win Japan Cup Dirt, who did it by battling it out tenaciously to score by a nose at odds of 48-1? It was Fleetstreet Dancer, a son of Smart Strike . Don’t mess with these guys.

*******************

Now that WinStar Farm’s Advice has won the Lexington Stakes and could be headed to Louisville, try to find the last time an owner had three horses in the Kentucky Derby with three different trainers?

********************

On the lighter side, I must admit I have not been to the windows to collect on a Derby ticket since 2001, which is due in most part to poor betting practices and looking for a killing rather than focusing on the obvious. If I had gone with my observations in the mornings based on works and physical appearance it would have been a different story. I gave my “best work” endorsement in my final column to Fusaichi Pegasus (2000), Monarchos (2001), Smarty Jones (2004, calling it the best Derby work I have ever seen), Barbaro (2006), and Street Sense (“by far” in 2007). And I didn’t do too badly with Denis of Cork in 2008. The 2003 and 2005 winners, Funny Cide and Giacomo, did not work at Churchill Downs.

As an example of my inability to turn these observations into cash, instead of going with the 6-1 Barbaro, I selected and bet on A.P. Warrior, despite his having no works at Churchill, and he wound up going off at only 14-1. Even worse was taking a pass on Smarty Jones (way too low for me at 4-1) and betting on Castledale, again with no works at Churchill, only because I loved the way he looked physically. I can’t even believe I am confessing to such stupidity after five years. To demonstrate what a “big-time” bettor I am, my $2 exacta of Monarchos and Invisible Ink ($1,229) in 2001 was the biggest ticket I have ever cashed.

Have I learned from my blunders? Probably not. I still cannot bet or pick short-priced horses in a 20-horse Derby field. So, the big-score sirens once again will lure me into another Monba-like wager and selection. But, hey, this is supposed to be all about fun, right? To me, fun and favorites do not co-mingle when it comes to betting the Derby, and there are so many mouth-watering overlays to choose from this year. Call it the Ralph Kramden get rich quick syndrome. When Ralph was a contestant on the show “The $99,000 Answer,” Alice implored him to just answer the $600 question and then call it quits. Ralph’s response: “Peanuts, what am I gonna do with peanuts?” Well, that’s me at the Derby, which is why I usually go home with nothing but the shells.

(This has been a public service announcement. Bet responsibly).

Sunday, April 19, 2009

I am Glad This Article Was Written

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

(This article, that is)
If you don't watch Real Time With Bill Maher, this post will probably be lost on you.

A few weeks ago Bill's guests were Mos Def, Cornell West and Christopher Hitchens. I was excited to see that lineup since I like all of those guys individually. The academic achievements of the latter two speak for themselves, but I've always found Mos Def to be of intellectual merit too. His music is thought-provoking and good for hip-hop, and he's always impressed me when I've heard him speak.

Then he ruined it all on that episode. I'm pretty sure he was high, which didn't help raise his level of articulation or thought clarity. Nor did it help him think before he spoke. It also seemed to adversely affect his realizing that he bombed everytime he opened his mouth, and when the crowd laughed at him, he took it as laughter of encouragement.

The result was he became the intellectual roadkill of Hitchens, and to a lesser degree, West, who didn't have his best showing either, as this article mentions as well. (same article as linked above).

Stanley Crouch pulls Mos Def's card for bringing something other than intelligence to the Real Time table, and I was glad to hear it. I can't say I disagree with him taking West to task either, but that is more of a black-guy-feeling-let-down-by-a-fellow-black-guy, so I don't think anyone is dying for my white buns to chime in on that topic.

If I am mistaken, and you are dying for me to champion the black cause, you know my email address!

First Ever WhereAwesomeHappens Soundalikes.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Jeff Van Gundy sounds a lot like Mary Carillo. I always used to think so anyway, but upon listening to one right after another on YouTube, I've concluded that they speak with different inflections. At their core, their voices are the same, but Van Gundy is always arguing and doing the George Castanza palms-in-the-air "what???" infelction, while where Mary Carillo does more of the John Wayne, talk-with-your-chin-on-your-chest kinda deep intonation, Pilgrim. And it seems as though they never seem to deviate from their respective tone zones.

It's not as great a match as I thought, but I'll post it anyway because Van Gundy and Mark Jackson are the worst announcing tandem I have heard in my entire life. On their own, they both suck out loud, bu on top of that they also hate eachother and have an anti-synergy that makes me want urinate in their beverages.

On with the audio juxtaposition.

Mary Carillo


Jeff Van Gunty Gundy (the crossed out link is NSFW, by the way)



What do you think?

Great Way to Improve Your French Accent


By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


I try to work on my foreign accents and make sure they're all up to snuff. While most are pretty decent, others still need retooling. My French one is so-so. It seems like most impressions go over well if you manage to use one or two keywords during your accent for instance with German you make sure you throw in "ja", "und" and maybe a "zees von" (instead of "this one") and no matter what else you say, you're good. The British accent has a similar formula, just make sure you throw in a, "brilliant", "yes, my son", "d'ya know wha' I mean?", "cheers, mate", "fahking 'ell", etc. Pepper a few of those in there and you're good.

Last night's Saturday Night Live taught me a great a new keyword for the French: feces. The trick is pronouncing it "fess S", as in, "Your American food all tastes like, how you say, fess ess." Annnd Scene.

It's just that easy.

Don't Toews Me, Bro


By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Blackhawks Captain Jonathon Towes (pronounced: "Tayves", rhymes with "paves") had a monster game last night in a home win in game two of the playoffs. Then I heard Pat Boyle of Chicago Sports Net say, "Don't Toews me, bro." and I about peed myself. I think most real Blackhawks fans had heard that one by now, but I'm not a huge follower of them, so that was a first for me.

I texted that to my friend who is the biggest American-born hockey fan I know, and also was baked out of his gourd at the time and his response was, and I quote, "That's it right there...You blew the funny fuse...You will never find anything funnier...Unattainable record right there. LOL..Awesome!!"

If you didn't find it quite that funny, ask your doctor if Marijuana might be right for you.

On the very slight chance you don't get the Toews reference, see below. Or if you did get the reference, see below to see something awesome again. Or if you would like to see if Toews looks like ex-NFL QB Drew Bledsoe, click here

Garrett Gomez to Ride Pioneer of the Nile in the Derby


By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Jockey Garrett Gomez made his Sophiesque decision today and picked Pioneer of the Nile. Gomez was the regular rider for both Pioneer of the Nile and phenom Dunkirk, meaning he was forced to pick between the two for the Derby. Both will be among the top 4 favorites at the Derby, so this choice was difficult and could eventually lead to a lot of regret for Gomez.

It was kind of a case of, "A bird in hand is worth two in the bush" for Gomez, since P.O.T.N. has won his last four starts, whereas Dunkirk is lighly-raced but seemingly has a much higher ceiling. Ultimately it seemed as though his decision was made mostly out of loyalty to the connections of P.O.T.N., in essence, thanking them for all the money he's made with them. The logic being, "I like both horses, but one's paid me a lot more."

Decisions choosing between two mounts in one race is nothing new to racing, and bettors love to keep an eye out for them. Ideally, bettors hope that the jockey has some kind of inside information regarding the two, and his decision is a prescient one. Jockeys choose "incorrectly" all the time, so it isn't enough to base your bet solely on a jockey's decision, but it's always worth noting.

My guess is that had Dunkirk and Pioneer of the Nile made Gomez equal amounts of cash, he would side with Dunkirk. Or maybe Gomez knows something I don't.

UPDATE: Edgar Prado will now ride Dunkirk in the Derby.

I Didn't get Plagarized This Time, But....

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


My Twitter prophecy may be coming true! If this well-written piece is any indication, I may be proved correct in less time than I thought!

The latter talks about how played-out Twitter has become now that so many celebrities (and pseudo-celebrities) are on Twitter, and just use it to hock their goods. Confounding that further is the discovery that several celebrity Tweeters had ghost-Tweeters.

It's a neat concept and has its rightful place on the internet. I just think that place is shrinking.

UPDATE: I just realized what this Twitter phenomenon reminded me of. You know when you were like 12 and everyone had a nickname? Then eventually someone would do something foolish, like fall on their ass while rollerblading, then check your ass and realize you have a huge scrape now on your ass, and one of your friends would be like, "Nice job Rollerblade ass. OH MY GOD!! Ha Ha Ha, that is TOTALLY your new nickname! From now on everybody, his nickname is "Rollerblade Ass"!! Oh man, you will be the laughingstock of the school, Rollerblade Ass!"

100% of the time anyone ever says, "Oh man, that's your new nickname!" it won't be. The kiss of death is saying that. Real nicknames are organic, and start out more quietly and eventually ascend to permanence. I've given out more nicknames than anyone else I know, and I know that to be true.

The media's insitance that Twitter was the wave of the future, struck me as reminiscent of the instance shown when friends insist on your new nickname. When it's a headline that Oprah is now on Twitter, you may as well say "That's your new nickname, Rollerblade Ass!". Countless articles beat us over the head with, "this is the new biggest deal ever and will alter our lives and grandkid's lives!!!" except, that never works either. When a late-night host asks quests, "So do you Twitter? or Tweet or Tweeter? Man do I sound lame.", you know its doomed.

When I think of the biggest technology deals now- iPods, Google, text messaging, etc. As ubiquitous and indispensable as they are now, they started off humbly. No one ever said "this will take over the world, Rollerblade Ass", they were just new products that may work, or may fail. iPods were embraced reluctantly after the failure of the much-hyped mini discs, remember those? Google was a neat internet tool, but they weren't the first search engine. Other search engines, like Yahoo and Web Crawler already seemed totally serviceable, no one predicted they'd grow into the behemouth that they are. Can anyone remember the first time they heard of text messaging? I can't. You never read about how Ashton Kutcher or Oprah is now texting. Talk show hosts didn't ask guests questions effectively asking, "So do you text, or are you not just a neanderthal, but a parciularly lame neanderthal?" like they do with Twitter.

Despite a lack of immediate annointing from the media, their organic growth was sure and steady and now they're staples of tens of millions of lives. Whereas, I think Twitter is akin to the boy who called, "Rollerblade Ass".

Saturday, April 18, 2009

12 Brands That Won't Survive 2010

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


This article is a real doozie. The title is pretty self-explanatory, it lists 12 companies that expected to go bankrupt in the next year. Thank God one of them is Crocs. They are

1. Avis/Budget rental cars.
2. Borders Bookstores
3. Crocs- (thank you!!!)
4. Saturn
5. Esquire magazine. (I really hope not. That's my favorite magazine)
6. The Gap
7. Architectural Digest Magazine
8. Eddie Bauer
9. Palm
10. Chrysler
11. AIG
12. a general one stating, "the travel industry is in the crapper"

T.R. Slyder Plagarized on Huffington Post

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


I just read an article on the Huffington Post, about how Americans are shocked that ugly people can have talent. That sounds eerily familiar to the article I posted yesterday saying the exact same thing.

The point is, I'm awesome.

Maybe the Best Television Show Possible- Now with 100% More Sanjaya


By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


I just read that joining R. Blagoj. on I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here are Heidi and Spencer, Janice Dickinson, Dog the Bounty Hunter and Geraldo Reviera.

If R. Blagoj. is allowed to participate this is already in my top 3 favorite reality shows of all time, joining The Joe Schmo Show and Kid Nation.

UPDATE: It just got better. SANJINA is going to be on it too!!!! Sweet God and Baby Jesus.
I no longer think the lord works in mysterious ways. This is a very blatant testimony that he wants us to be happy.


















Wait...What? Robby Albarado Just Lied on National Television.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I realize no one cares about this, but you'll have fun following along and calling out a liar. Jockey Robby Albarado is a very talented rider and was recently on one of my favorite television shows. But he just lied to America and I have to pull his card.

Please follow along and click here to watch an episode of the Animal Planet show called Jockeys. As you can assume, it's about horse racing jockeys. I was watching it tonight and noticed at the 7:13 mark, jockey Robby Albarado discussing him and his super-horse Curlin.

Now, Curlin is an outstanding horse, and one of my favorites. He's among the top 10 best horses of the last 25 years, maybe 30. The problem I have with the clip is that his jockey lies about him for some stupid reason. As I mentioned, it's at the 7:13 clip where his jockey says, "I'm Robby Albarado, I ride Curlin today in the Classic. We won the Preakness stakes, we just came off a win in the Kentucky Derby, we won the World Cup in Dubai, we won the Breeder's Cup Classic last year..." It's all right there at the link. I typed it out correctly. Curlin did win the Preakness, World Cup and Classic. But um, he did not win the 2007 Kentucky Derby.

Curlin and Robby Albarado came in third.


Robby's error cannot be confused with Robby himself winning the 2008 Derby, because he didn't not win that either. Kent Desormeaux did aboard Big Brown. This whole thing is just bizarre.

Friday, April 17, 2009

T.R. Salutes- The Chicago Accent

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Little is known about the Chicago accent. What little is known to most people about the Chicago accent is due to "Da Superfans" sketch on Saturday Night Live, the one that made "Da Bearss" a household phrase.

As a Chicago transplant of 4 years, I have yet to find very many great examples of the Chicago accent, or pockets of the city where it thrives. There seem to be a few commonalities with the instances in which I have heard it: It was from someone who seems to be decidedly blue collar, never in a northside neighborhood, oftentimes this person either worked with, or was talking about food and/or alcohol, and they are infinitely more prevalent at White Sox games than at Cubs games. Lastly, one of their tip off words that they have the accent is that they pronounce Chicago as "Chi-caw-go". Subtle, but noticeable. They are also great people 100% of the time. As far as I am concerned the gold standard (and fitting every criterion I listed) is below. He's a little bit Wisconsy, but the best I've found on YouTube anyway.




That dude can be seen here as well.




This one isn't all bad, the description in the margin by the poster of the video is useful as well.


This is a parody, but a doozie of a parody.


This one is a doozie. You can tell she has the accent when you hear the "A" sound.

T.R. Slyder's Theory of Qualitative Absolute Value


By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Quick Algebra refresher: The Absolute Value of a number is just it's value away from 0. It's really easy. 7's absolute value is 7. 19's is 19. Etc. This gets "tricky" with negative numbers. You just take away the negativeness. -37's absolute value is 37. You know how it works. Not complicated.

My previous column regarding crap is a great example of my Theory of Qualitative Absolute Value. My theory It combines mathematical absolute value with the axiom (I didn't make it up, but don't know did) "The opposite of love is not hate; it's apathy." Videos like "I aint got no panties on" are awful, and probably score about a -10 on the, -10 to 10 scale. According to my theory then, that video is a 10. And I agree.

Things can be "awesomely bad" or so unfunny that they are hilarious. What you don't want is something that elicits no response from you. Something that just isn't funny, but not SO unfunny that it's funny. For instance, on the -10 to 10 scale, if you hear a joke that's sooo bad it's a -8, that's WAY better than hearing a joke that's a 2. For instance a 2 would be like: "Why did the chicken cross the road?", and a -8 would be "A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his groin. When they bartender says, 'Say buddy, you know you have a steering wheel attached to your, uh, pants, right?' the Pirate replies, 'Arrrgh. I do. It's drivin me nuts". Sure the -8 is worse, but it's also way better.

Same way how old, b-level horror movies where you can see the boom mics in the shot are way better than that movie with Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz eloping in Vegas.

I hope this posting encourages you to go out and do something dumb today.

T.R. Salutes: Crap Rap

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

None of this are remotely worksafe, dignified, decent or respectable. In other words, they are awesome.


Gangsta Boogie



The Stanky Leg


Burbans and Lacs



I Got That Fire, by Juvenile


Any TR Slyder Scholar worth their salt knows that only one video could close out this list. Waxamill got that crap rap game on lock, kid.

NHL Playoff Tradition Upheld in Hollywood


By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Nice to see Tom Cruise is complying with NHL postseason tradition. Here he can be seen with his playoff beard. I didn't even know he liked hockey. I

Carlos Marmol: Vroom Vroom Pahty Stoppa


By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Glad to see you back as the Cubs closer, Carlos Marmol. You are the consumate Pahty Stoppa.

The Latest Person We're Supposed to Care About















By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Um, you guys go ahead and care about her; I'm not gonna. I guess she is on English Idol or something. I hear her next song will be her interpretation of what Sojourner Truth has taught her, and will be called "I Aint a Woman".

She is a very handsome woman.


Update: I was going to pride myself on not seeing/hearing her sing until a friend sent me the link without describing it. So I clicked on it, then realized it was too late. I had to watch a link a friend sent, so I watched it. She's very talented. So then I was thinking, 'Ok, she's talented. A lot of people are talented, but aren't internet sensations. What makes her a sensation?" Then I realized it: She's a-hole ugly.

And don't call me an asshole for saying she's ugly. The entire reason she is a sensation is because of our underlying ehtos or, "Wait she's really, really ugly, but....she's also talented.....what? Holy shit. I need to send this to my friend!"

When I think of other people with famously big voices, Whitney Houston, Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Hudson, Mariah Carey, Amy Winehouse, etc. They're all pretty attractive. In fact, I doubt a female can get signed to a record contract unless she's very attractive. So the shock with this woman isn't that she can sing, it's that she can sing despite being ugly. We aren't celebrating talent, we're celebrating that a woman can have talent in spite of being ugly. Phrased differently, her buzz is in direct proportion to our bigotry.

Real classy guys.

Now That's a Rabbit


By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I plagarized this from the Chicago Trib

(Getty photo by Sean Gallup / January 15, 2006)
Karl Szmolinsky, who raises a breed of rabbits called giant grays, shows Robert, an 8.5kg giant gray who is 74cm long and has ears 25.5cm long, in the backyard of his house in Eberswalde, Germany in 2006. Szmolinsky sold eight giant grays to a delegation from North Korea that wanted to raise the breed as a source of meat for the North Korean population. Szmolinsky said his rabbits reach a maximum weight of 10.5 kg (23.1lbs.).


North Korea? Maybe that's what Kim Jong Il was eating when he was Illin'.....


TR Salutes: Swearing Journalists on Live Television

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Here's what I learned from this gentleman's broadcast. (it's NSFW. Take that, CD in Tampa!!)


1) If you're reporting live on the Chicago Blackhawks vs. Calgary Flames for Rogers Sportsnet, don't assume that you can re-tape a segment just because you fumbled your words.

2) It's also illegal in Canada to say a word that ends in, well, "-ocksucker" on live television.



Thursday, April 16, 2009

Talkin' Derby

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Don't worry, I plagarize yet again today. This document is much easier to decipher here than it is below. It's a juxtaposition of the Derby Prep races from 2008 to 2009, and was compiled by Daily Racing Form editor-in-chief, Steven Crist. He took the data from this useful page. (sorry this chart looks like crap, I had a super difficult time with it. I'd recommend just clicking the first link)



2009 winner BSFRaceBSF2008 winner



















.

Friesan Fire93LeComte95Z Fortune

.

The Pamplemousse96San Rafael98El Gato Malo

.

Saratoga Sinner96Holy Bull88Hey Byrn

.

Pioneerof the Nile94RB Lewis93Crown of Thorns

.

Friesan Fire96Risen Star90Pyro

.

General Quarters100Sam Davis85Fierce Wind

.

Chocolate Candy90El Camino Real88Autism Awareness

.

Old Fashioned93Southwest96Denis of Cork

.

Quality Road113Fountain of Youth98Cool Coal Man

.

The Pamplemousse103Sham86Colonel John

.

I Want Revenge113Gotham98Visionaire

.

Friesan Fire104Louisiana Derby95Pyro

.

Pioneerof the Nile90San Felipe92Georgie Boy

.

Win Willy102Rebel99Sierra Sunset

.

Musket Man90Tampa Bay Derby93Big Truck

.

Hold Me Back97Lane's End92Adriano

.

Quality Road111Florida Derby106Big Brown

.

Musket Man98Illinois Derby102Recapturetheglory

.

I Want Revenge103Wood Memorial93Tale of Ekati

.

Pioneerof the Nile96SA Derby95Colonel John






.

Papa Clem99Arkansas Derby103Gayego

.

General Quarters95Blue Grass92Monba

.






.


98.7AVERAGE94.4
Point being that this year's crop is much faster than last year's. Last year's trifecta was Big Brown, Eight Belles and Denis of Cork. Eight Belles is not featured on this list (being female, all of her Derby preps were against other females). Denis of Cork beat his 2009 counterpart, whereas Big Brown, the Derby winner and overwhelming favorite "lost" to his 2009 counterpart, Quality Road, who likely be the second or third favorite this year. Colonel John, the winner of the 2008 Santa Anita Derby and (if my memory is correct) was about the 2nd, 3rd or 4th betting favorite in the Derby finished way back. The Derby was his first race on dirt, much like it will be for the 2009 Santa Anita Derby winner, Pioneer of the Nile. One of my biggest knocks on Pioneer of the Nile is my fear that he is the 2009 Colonel John.

Should be a great Derby.

Check out These Sumbitches: The art of Mark Wagner


By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

http://www.themorningnews.org/archives/galleries/million_dollar_babies/

This website shows a few pieces of Mark Wagner's awesome Dollar Bill Collages. The bigger you can make this pic the better. The website has larger, more detailed pics, but these at least give you the idea.

Here are two more, but I recommend getting a much better look at them by clicking on the link, then clicking "next" to the upper right, or lower right of the image. My re-posts do not do them justice.





UPDATE: This link is much more comprehensive to see Wagner's art.

TASTELESS: Hollywood to Make a Movie About the Somali Pirate/US Hostage Crisis


By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


And it's going to be rated Arrrrrrrghhhh.


You probably saw the joke coming, but I thought I'd break it out.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

More Rod Blagojevich Awesome Happened


By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


The Chicago Tribune is reporting that in 2007 then-Governor Blagojevich sent Lou Piniella a handwritten letter giving him some managerial advice. You can see the note if you click on the link. You are the best, Rod.

Grammar Call Out: Messin With Texas Edition
























By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Texas Governor Rick Perry said the following today, while riling up some retard Texans.

"There's a lot of different scenarios," Perry said. "We've got a great union. There's absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, you know, who knows what might come out of that. But Texas is a very unique place, and we're a pretty independent lot to boot."

1) I would love "to boot" you and nearly all of your people, Governor.

2) Who do you think pays the FEDERAL troops to secure the boarder you suck at securing? Why people from Iowa or Minnesota don't send you jars of their own pee for wasting their federal dollars on you is a mystery to me. You bitch about higher taxes, but your porous border is partly responsible.

3) Let's have a look at what "unique" means.


Main Entry:
unique           Listen to the pronunciation of unique
Pronunciation:
\y-ˈnēk\
Function:
adjective
Etymology:
French, from Latin unicus, from unus one — more at one
Date:
1602
1: being the only one : sole unique concern was his own comfort> unique copy. Suppose I lost it? — Kingsley Amis> unique factorization of a number into prime factors>
2 a
: being without a like or equal : unequaled unique — Robert Coover> b: distinctively characteristic : peculiar 1 unique to California — Ronald Reagan>

Looks like it means its the only one of its kind. So how then, could something have varied degrees of one-of-a-kindness? Something cannot be more one of a kind than something else. Looks like the


4) If you seceded and we imposed trade sanctions, you'd beg Mexico to adopt you. Only it wouldn't much matter because your borders still wouldn't be remotely secure and the border would be blurred beyond recognition anyway.

5) "Government thumbing their nose"? Where do you think our last president was from? And you guys STILL suck. Obama's being in office for three months ruined your state?

6) What part of "largest tax-cuts in 40 years" mean to you? Well, other than "the president is black"

7) Keep talking ignorantly tough. All this secession talk is really scaring us into sympathy. No seriously.



I Just got Snubbed by the Bob Ross of Horse Racing.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Wow. Talk about feeling low! That's like having Mr. Rogers tell you that you're queer or something. Check this out. Steve Haskin, my favorite KY Derby Reporter is having a live chat today on www.TheBloodhorse.com. It was funny timing because I visited the website randomly, and noticed the chat was to begin in like 1 minute. (This is eerily reminiscent of Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber when he sees the sign in the bathroom stall to be there at a certain time for Hot, Manly Love, and as he checks his watch, he realizes it's exactly that time, then he almost gets BF'd against his will in the restroom.)

So I log on and ask the first question, which I thought was clear and legit. Seabass Mr. Haskin viewed it differently.


4:01
BH Staff: Steve welcomes everyone to this live chat. He will be responding to your questions and comments shortly.
4:03
[Comment From Willliam Coyle]
Hey Steve,
4:03
[Comment From Jeannie]
Hello Steve,
4:03
[Comment From T.R. Slyder]
Steve, where do you draw the line in your Derby Dozen separating the top tier from the second tier? Thanks, and keep up the great work! -TR in Chicago
4:05
SteveHaskin: T.R. Not sure what you mean. I draw the line at No. 12, unless I do a baker's dozen on that particular week


And there you have it. Thanks for coming out, Steve. Now I know how Dr. Kevin felt when his uncle hilariously snubbed him at Thanksgiving.

So I learned that, though you rank 12 and oftentimes 13 horses in your "Dozen" the talent discrepency separating each is precisely uniform, even if you can't separate 12 from 13. Got it.

Anderson Cooper: "It's hard to talk when you're teabagging"

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

He says it at the end.

Blagojevich Hoping to be on "I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here"!!


By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


He wants to be on the has-been reality show, "I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here" but he needs permission from a Federal judge to do so, due to his currently being in a federal corruption case. You can read about it in today's Chicago Tribune.

That guy is the best.