Cool Mullet Luke

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


The last time I blogged a formal tribute was when the pilot of the Enola Gay, Paul Tibbets died. Today is the day for my #2. Let me rephrase that: Today is the day for my second formal tribute.

Paul Newman died today. He starred in Cool Hand Luke. Cool Hand Luke gave us the word "mullet". So to honor Paul Newman's life, I plan on taking a trip down Mullet Memory Lane. Won't you join me?





(note: I lifted every single one of these from www.mulletsgalore.com)

The Battle Hymn of the Republic: Alternate Lyrics

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com




Glory! Glory Hole-allelujah! Glory! Glory hole-allelujah!


Good luck getting that out of your head.

Best Song and Video POSSIBLE

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

No Panties On by Wax-A-Million. You're welcome in advance.
(Medical Disclaimer: If you are awesomeness intolerant, you should not watch this video)




You're welcome.

This is the best for several obvious reasons, but I will point out a few minor nuances that you maybe didn't pick up on during your first viewing.

1. That white chick is the worst lip-snycher since Ashlee Simpson.

2. When Wax-A-Million is in front of his crew of friends rapping, the tall, lanky guy with the afro in the powder blue longsleeve looks a LOT like Dave Chappelle (you can see him pretty clearly at the :45 and 2:56 marks).

3. It does a great job of showcasing the joys and glamour (with a "u") of twerking.

4. When I first saw this video in 2003 on BET's UnCut, I swear to God and Baby Jesus that the title of the song was "Panty's On The Dancefloor" and it was spelled incorrectly, just like how I have it there (update: I just found a link to it here).


UPDATE: You can find the video of the remix here. This video certainly has a very, very high budget. When I called Gloria Steinam to ask her if the rumor is true that she wrote the remix and directed the video, she did not answer. Sounds like a non-denial to me. On Sunday this video celebrates its one-year anniversary! Happy Anniversary, Wax-A-Million!



See Also: The intentionally hilarious (I'm pretty sure) Günther

The Opposite of Superfluous: Günther
More Günther
More More Günther

Marquis Mark and the Fukudome Bunch Win Again

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


The Cubs kicked the Brewers' hiney again today. Ted Lilly took a no-hitter into the 7th, Kosuke Fukudome got a hit somehow (a home run, no less), Carlos Marmol looked strong out of the pen, Jason Marquis looked just as comfortable crapping the bed out of the bullpen as he does crapping the bed as a starter, and the Cubs' B-team held off the pesky Brewers in Milwonky.

I hope Lou's strategy of benching all of his marquee players doesn't leave them rusty for the playoffs, but other than that it looks like Captain Lou is keeping the Big Blue Train on the rails.

Curlin Is a Richer Racehorse Than You Are

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

By winning the Jockey Club Gold Cup on Saturday at Belmont Park, Curlin became the richest race horse in North American history, and the only to surpass the $10 million mark.

In this video of Saturday's race Curlin's jockey is in the yellow silks. The announcer is the legendary Tom Durkin, my favorite sports announcer in any sport.




This video is arguably Curlin's most impressive performance. He wins the world's richest race, The $6 million Dubai World Cup, by 7 and 3/4 lengths. Watch toward the end how Curlin accelerates like a car and just blows by the two horses in front of him.

Why Closers Shouldn't Win the MVP

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

The closer in baseball has one job: Protect the lead. They work only when their team has a lead, so their job is dependent upon the position players. If the position players never gave their team the lead, they would have no need for a closer. So all the closer can possibly strive to do, is protect the great work done by position players. How can protecting something be considered more important than creating it?

Giving a closer the MVP is like saying a security guard at the Sistine Chapel is more important than Michelangelo, because the security guard protects the ceiling from being defaced.

You Houston Nutt on my Ol' Miss?

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Since I made some puerile jokes yesterday regarding college football players, I'll do the same today, but for coaches. It's always good to see Houston Nutt's name in the news, as his Ole Miss Running Rebels upset Florida today, 31-30.

Florida Houston Nutt thinking about their national championship prospects. But now they Nutt while doing the cry and wap, a la Naomi Watts in Mulholland Drive.

(the latter link isn't super safe for work. I'd say it's R rated)

The Lost Tapes from the Snakes On a Plane Audition

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


This is the Snakes on a Plane audition video for Christopher Walken, Jack Nicholson, Joe Pesci and Robert DeNir . Some people claim that this isn't the real tape of their auditions, but I know it is. It's a doozie.



I don't mean nobody no disrespect, but I thought you should know: if you're on my website, you got an Awesomeness addiction. You do....you do.......you do.

Upon Further Review, I Found Out Why USC Lost Last Night

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


After a stunning loss to Oregon State last night, I decided to conduct some research of my own in order to find out exactly what happened to USC. While more "credible" college football pundits took to reviewing game film, scrutinizing USC play-calling, and questioning defensive formations, I employed more oblique research. While the "credible" establishment still has not agreed on the cause of the collapse, I have: Mark Sanchez Booty is from Mission-of the A-hole, CA.

Even though his actual name is Mark Sanchez, I like to think that being the starting QB at USC adds an honorary surname of "Booty" to your existing last name, much how like when you join the Ramones, you change your last name to Ramone. The genesis of this theory was when QB John David Booty succeeded Matt Leinart at USC. Since Mr. Booty was filling some big shoes, the media was all abuzz about covering John David Booty, and fitting John David Booty into every news story in any way possible. You went from never having heard of the guy to hearing his name 75 times a day, and it's a name that sticks in your head. It was Booty overload.

(NOTE: My rule of thumb for naming kids has always been 1) Stick with 2 names and not 3, and, 2) If you absolutely must use 3 names, make sure none of those names is "Booty".)

Now that the John David Booty Era has drawn to a close, USC has ushered in the Mark Sanchez Booty era, and Mr. New Booty is from Mission of the A-hole, California. That's obviously why they lost last night to Oregon State. Good luck with that the rest of the season, USC.

Maury Povich's Dream Episode

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



How come MauPo has only three topics for his shows? I bet he fantasizes about combining them into one, two-hour long show and having it on prime time. . If he did that the show would be a paternity test between two drills sergeants at a teen boot camp facility, and they'd be testing to see who's the rightful father of a morbidly obese 15 month old, mothered by white trash. Maybe then the actual father would be taken away to some kind of boot camp for new dads. Maury would host this show while wearing a cashmere v-neck, by the way.


UPDATE: The comment left by Anonymous and upon the recommendation of a friend of mine have made me realize I need to add another dimension to this. MauPo needs to find a way to include a subplot with a trashy teen who wants to get K.U.'d or, as anonymous mentioned, has had "relations" with a significant number of much older men.

Developing.......

Fat Fall Friday

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


You know the drill by now.





For the hearing impaired I've taken the liberty to transcribe the entire audio feed, not just dialogue, at no extra charge. It is as follows:

"...........hoo-WAH.......WU-AAAUUUUGGHHHHH.......*tap.tap*......that hurts.......... .........eehhhh"

(Editors note: The very last, Peter Griffin-esque "eehhhh" is by far the most underrated part of that audio sequence. )



****************************************************************************
OH, SHAZAM!!! It's another Whoomp There It Is Friday!!!!!! Bonus Fat Fall Friday video.....




That video inspires me to quote the fat lady next to me on the bus today: "Ohh ma gaaaaat.....Ooohh maa gaaat." (which I believe translates to "Oh my God...Oh my God.")






I'm T.R. Slyder, and that's how you Tangueray.








See also: Predicting the Cubs/Dodgers series with a Chicago vs. Los Angeles photo essay. The results may shock you.

Cubs Emotion-o-Meter 9/26 Edition: 3 Games Left

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


No one tore an ACL, so that was good. Lou started all the usual non-starters, and other than starter, pitched all the un-usual suspects so it's tough to care too much about anything. Except Micah "The Hoff" Hoffpauir. He was 5 for 5 with 5 RBI and 3 runs scored. That's good. And I like good. One thing about Micah Hoffpauir that most people don't know is that during a game in AAA this year, he hit 4 home runs in a game AND was involved (defensively) in a triple play. I love that guy.

In Chicago baseball A-Hole news: I was watching part of the White Sox game for a bit. Juan Uribe (of the white sox) was up with the bases loaded and two out in like the third inning with the game tied. So it was an important at bat, but nothing huge since it was still early in the game. He got ahold of a pitch and hit it up the middle and TAGGED the pitcher in like the forearm or ribs. It ricocheted a few feet from the pitcher, where he collected ball and overthrew first base, allowing 3 runs to score. So that was a pretty dramatic 5 seconds. As soon as Uribe hit it, you're thinking "ok, this is a few runs." then the ball hits the pitcher and you're thinking "ouch, I hope he's ok. He may actually be able to throw Uribe out." But not White Sox announcer, Hawk "The Hick" Harrelson. When the ball plunked the Twins pitcher, he didn't say anything humane like "ooohhhh" or "ouch" or "I hope he's ok". What did he say instead? "Dagnabbit" as in "Dagnabbit, the pitcher blocked it from going into the outfield". After the play, Hawk's moron co-announcer, Darren Jackson, was playing the part of diplomat talking about the condition of the fallen pitcher and wishing him well, while Hawk was like a kid on Christmas morning, shouting "What a lucky break! Oh boy! What a HUGE play that was! That's three lucky breaks for the Sox this inning!". Classy.

Enough crappy news.




Cubs Emotion-o-Meter Word(s) of the Day: Keepin' the big blue train on the rails.

Cubs Emotion-o-Meter Cub Fan Emotion Monkeyified: Deep in thought about the playoffs.

The Righthand Side

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Why "hand"? Why is it the right"hand" side? What's wrong with "right side?" I bet that kinda language pisses off amputees. And people who hate, dislike, don't care for, abhor and simply have no time for verbosity. In an effort to offend fewer amputees I go with, "right butt cheek side". Maybe it's time you do the same.

At 77 Years Old, Ernie Banks and His Wife Adopt a Newborn

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


In the news from the "Holy Shit I Swear I am Not Making This Up" file. This isn't a joke. I lifted this directly from today's Chicago-Sun Times, copy-and-paste style. Cubs Hall of
Fame shortstop, and universally-loved Mr. Cub, Ernie Banks has adopted a baby that is one week old.

"JUST IN: Baseball Hall of Famer Ernie Banks, 77, and his lovely wife, Liz, have adopted a beautiful baby girl named Alyna Olivia Banks, born Sept. 18 in California, where they have a home. Banks already has three grown and gone adult children who reside on the West Coast. "I will be heading to Chicago with the baby to cheer the Cubs on to victory when they win the World Series," Liz said."

Ernie's wife, Liz, is 52. As a lifelong Cub fan, I have no further comment.



See Also:

State of the Cubs Fan: 9/25 Edition

Categorizing Unusual Athlete Names

The Rules of Remote Control Handling

Cheering For Laundry With Socrates

WhereAwesomeHappens Faith-Based Initiatives

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I think it was Robert Altman in Esquire magazine that said something like, "When people start talking about God, I start looking for the exit." If that is your religious disposition, I am confident that you will still agree with the WhereAwesomeHappens Faith-Based Initiative. Conversely, if you love the Lord so much that you and your friends pass around snakes in displays of faith, you'll also be in favor of these initiatives. People who love flatulence humor will also support my faith-based initiative. I'm all about uniting people.

THE Nutshot

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Tired of your friends having links to better nutshots than you? Not anymore. They just got served. Forever.

Advice For Sounding Like a Total Moron

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



Anyone that respects the English language hates the colloquialism "Any way, shape or form". The phrase itself is bad enough, but given it's intended meaning, it's always used in a smug manner. The only time you hear it is when an idiot attempting to sound lawyerly. They feel that the add verbosity adds depth their claim, thereby making them sound much more intellectually complex. But in fact, any respectable lawyer (or human) would know that in regular parlance there is no appreciable difference between "shape" and "form". Furthermore, once you've established that there is "no way" something happened, throwing the "shape or form" in for good measure doesn't bring anything new to the linguistic table. You'll never hear anything like the following.


Mike: Dave, did you eat the last piece of pizza that was in the refrigerator.

Shane: No

Mike: Yes you did.

Shane: I assure you, in no way whatsoever did I take that last slice.

Mike (smugly): Very well....BUT.....Did you by any chance take the last slice of pizza in some shape or form?

Shane: DAMNIT!! You're good. Yes, yes I did. There was a form in which I took the last slice. The "form" in which I took it was when I opened the door and removed the slice from the refrigerator.

Mike: Ahhh, I see. So you didn't take the piece of pizza in any certain "way", but you did so in a specific "form". That all makes sense to me now. You thought that if you ate the slice in a "form" but not in a "way", that your denial of "in no WAY whatsoever" would be technically correct, and you'd have an ironclad alibi.

Shane: I sure did, Mike. I sure did. But you still caught me. You're good, man, you're good.



I can understand the expression of "No way", but if the phrase "No way, shape or form" made sense, then you would think you'd also hear the phrase "No shape, or form!". As in,


Mike: "Dude, did you hear that Clay Aiken came out of the closet?"

Shane: "No shape or form!!!! Are you serious??! Holy crap, I can't believe he's gay!"



Don't be like Shane.

Cubs Emotion-o-Meter 9/25 Edition: 4 Games Left

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


I feel that, much like Nancy Reagan in the photo above, the Cubs are on the precipice of greatness. Right now the good Cubs fans are just casually coasting through the rest of the regular season and are more concerned with making sure the (playoff bound) pitchers are doing well and everyone else stays healthy, moreso than wins and losses.

To that end, last night's start by Carlos Zambrano raised an eyebrow as he gave up 5 earned runs in 4 and 2/3rds of an inning, punctuated by giving up a grand slam to Carlos Delgado, which I think is Spanish for "Carlos of the the Cat". In contrast to that start, middle reliever Neal Cotts had a very good outing and Bobby Howry showed some grit in getting out of a jam, albeit a jam he got himself into.

Today's Cubs Emotion-o-Meter Word(s) of the Day: "Just keepin' it on the rails. " That was the answer my train conductor gave me in Philadelphia a few years back when I asked him what his strategy was for my trip. That simple answer has always stuck with me for some reason. Nothing fancy, just keeping things in order.

Today's Cubs Emotion-o-Meter Fan Emotions Monkeyified: Just hanging out until the playoffs.

Categorizing Unusual Athlete Names

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


"After having seen a few unusual sports names not too long ago, I decided to put in some research and see if I could categorize them. This is the result." that was said by the original author of this article for a site I used to write for. With his permission I decided to re-run his post. As this was written a year or so ago, some of the listed athletes may have switched teams or since retired.

Just Add “La-“

LaMarcus Aldridge, Trail-Blazers

LaVernaues Coles, Jets-

LaJuan Ramsey, Eagles- “La” feminine, “Juan” masculine

LaBrandon Toefiend, Jaguars

LaDanian Tomlinson, Chargers

La’roi Glover, Rans- Also on the "Apostrophe" team

Just Add “Le-“

LeBron James, Cavaliers

LeCharles Bentley, Browns

LeRon McCoy, Arizona Cardinals

Just add “De-”

DeShea Townsend, Steelers

DeQuincy Scott, Titans

DeWayne Robertson, Texans

DeJuan Groce, Saints

DeAngelo Hall, Falcons

Apostrophe Abuse- The apostrophe either used to indicate possession (e.g. Claire's Uncle), or it is used to take the place of letter(s) in a word. For instance the apostrophe in "Don't" is a contraction of the words "do not" and the apostrophe takes the place of the letter "o". These following renegade names transcend the rules of our language. I'm not sure which letters those apostrophes take the place, but it's fun to imagine.

Dre’ Bly, Lions

Donte’ Curry, Lions

La’Roi Glover, Rams

Andre’ Goodman, Dolphins

“D” + X + X+X+ "ne”

Dwayne Jones, Cavs

Dwyane Wade, Heat

Dawan Landry, Ravens

DeWayne Robertson, Jets

Dwaine Carpenter, Rams

Common Last Name, Uncommon First Name

Carmello Anthony, Nuggets

Rasual Butler, Hornets- That name is RAther unuSUAL

D’Qwell Jackson, Browns - Lotta Jacksons’ in this country. One D’Qwell Jackson.

Jumaine Jones, Suns - Is that like the happy-trail version of the “Jew ‘fro”?

Dermarr Johnson, Nuggets

Dahntay Jones, Grizzlies

Jameer Nelson, Magic

Shaquille O’neal, Heat

Donell Taylor, Wizards

Bonzi Wells, Rockets

Delonte West, Celtics

Shammond Williams, Lakers

Corliss Williamson, Sacramento Kings- Apparently he does not come attached to a cord.

Shawne Williams, Pacers

Boss Bailey, Lions

Champ Bailey, Broncos

Tiki Barber, (ret.)Giants- Too bad Tiki isn’t a defender so you could say “Tiki got torched!”

Ronde Barber, Bucs

Fakhir Brown, Rams- “Are you a pothead, Fakhir?”

Jerametrius Butler, Rams- When “Jeremy” just won’t do…..

Dovonte Edwards, Vikings

Demetric Evans, Redskins- Do you think the US will ever switch to de metric system?

Dhani Jones, Eagles- I realize it’s a Buddhist term, but it’s still an unlikely pairing.

Damione Lewis, Panthers

Marquand Manuel, Packers

Jayme Mitchell, Vikings

Brodney Pool, Browns

Dunta Robinson, Texans

Montavious Stanley, Cowboys

Jerramy Stevens, Seahawks

Adalius Thomas, Ravens

Dontarrious Thomas, Vikings- That sounds like an introduction, “Don, Terry is Thomas’ old roommate.”

Juqua Thomas, Eagles

Kiawakee Thomas, Bills

Chaun Thompson, Browns- That isn’t short for “Leprechaun”, is it?

Darwin Walker, Eagles

Javon Walker, Broncos

Kenyatta Walker, Bucs

Demorrio Williams, Broncos

Darrent Williams, Bucs

Roydell Williams, Titans

Shaud Williams, Bills

Tank Williams, Bears

Gibril Wilson, Giants- I wonder if he had a pet “girbil” as a child

Huge Surprise! He’s a White Guy. Total Shock. Total.

Ryon Bingham, Chargers

Colby Bockwoldt, Titans

Dustin Colquitt, Chiefs

Dallas Clark, Colts

Owen Daniels, Texans

Hunter Hillenmeyer, Bears

Eli Manning, Giants

Caleb Miller, Bengals

Igor Olshansky, Chargers

Hunter Smith, Colts

Generally Unusual Names

Royal Ivey, Hawks

Shaquille O’neal, Heat

Tayshaun Prince, Pistons

Rajon Rondo, Celtics

Stromile Swift, Grizzlies

Flozell Adams, Cowboys

Atari Bigby, Packers

Plaxico Burress, Giants- If it’s pronounced “Plexico” why not spell it that way?

Ciatrick Fason, Vikings- What are the odds he was conceived via Cialis and his dad’s name is Patrick?

Jerious Norwood, Falcons- How many people meet him and say “Jerious? Surely, you can’t be Jerious?”

Start a Business

Curome Cox, Broncos- Rims Company, tagline: Don’t just have your car sittin’ on chrome, have it sittin’ on Curome Chrome.

Trai Essex, Steelers- Thai Restaurant, “Trai mai thai, then order a Mai Tai”

TyJuan Hagler, Colts- Partner with Trai Essex making “cuisine from ‘TyJuan’

Von Hutchinson, Texans- Should have cashed in on the Von Dutch (totally played out) craze and opened a franchise called Von Dutchinson

Sinorice Moss, Giants- Candy manufacturing, "Sinorice Licorice"

Carnell Williams, Bucs- Porn company called “Carnell Desires”

Weng Weng Wednesday

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

This week's clip has a little plot setting up than previous Weng Weng Wednesday postings have had. If you're more about the action than the plot, you may want to fastforward to about the 1:35 mark.

I Try to Avoid These Kinds of Posts

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I try not to do celebrity gossip stuff on my blog, but I couldn't pass this up. I was reading this from NY Post's PageSix. If you don't click the link, don't worry, I'll cut and paste as well. It's an article about Lindsay Lohan's dad being a total screwup and saying really awful things about Samantha Ronson to stay in the news. I couldn't care less if they're true or not because they are objectively hilarious, regardless of their validity. Humor me an example. These are the first three paragraphs.

September 24, 2008 --

Lindsay Lohan wants her father to just shut up - especially since Michael Lohan furiously scratched an e-mail to X17online the other day, calling Lohan's girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, "dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity."

In the e-mail posted on Sunday, Michael wrote, "I don't believe that the recent blogs posted by 'Lindsay' were written by her" and touted, "There is a lot more to Samantha than meets the eye. Not that what we see is so pleasing anyway . . . what's with this 'person?' Look at the way she 'dresses.'

"Once more, she uses her middle finger more than she uses words. Have you ever seen her apartment? For God's sake, when she runs out of toilet paper she tells people to use the cardboard roll. (I was told this firsthand)."

Ok let's stop it right there.

Paragraph #1: I respect the word play. After careful review, I feel that it would be more pejorative to refer to her as "...disgusting representation of alleged humanity", if he said this off the top of his head it was brilliant. (or "spit it straight from the dome" as they say in the hip-hop world). I thought about it for a good 30 seconds and could think to only modify it barely. Well done, Michael.

Paragraph #2: Using quotation marks around "person" to allege that she may, in fact, not be a person is juvenile, heartless, effective and hilarious. When was the last time you could say that something was all four of those things?? I'm excited just trying to think of something that fits all four criteria.

Paragraph #3: Again, hilarious. Sticking with theme of classless cruelty, a favorite of mine. Also again, couldn't care less if it's true or not. But, IF it is true- Samantha is ludicrously disgusting. And stupid- as if the cardboard is even a viable option. As though Mr. Lohan would say "Oh.... Huh, I never thought of that. Genius!" If he really did run out of the last of your toilet paper, instead of the cardboard suggestion you may as well just apologize or say "Sorry, bro. Just hop in the shower, I guess." Because he's in a lot of trouble.

But by far the best of all of this is that Mr. Lohan is plopping in his daughter's girlfriend's apartment!!!! Seriously, WHO does that? (Oh right people from New Jersey). Seriously though, "Hi Samantha, nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you. Say, where's your crapper?" or was it "Hi Sam, I've heard a lot about you and I can't wait to hear more.....after I drop anchor in your potty." I know I would be pretty psyched if I had my new girlfriend's old man over to hang out and he just went straight to stinking my john. That's awful. But furthermore, he has the stones to lay cable at his daughter's girlfriend's place AND the stupidity to not check for ample toilet paper before he starts his business!!! What a renaissance man.

PLUS, That entire paragraph was based on the assumption that Mr. Lohan was telling the truth. I wouldn't be surprised if that story were 100% false. BUT that means that in an attempt to besmirch Samantha's character, he lied about crapping in her apartment!!! If you're gonna make up a lie, why include that unsavory particular? That's like if I lied to my buddy about how I bedded a Victoria's Secret model and also mentioned how she laughed at size of my stuff. I mean, if you're gonna lie, at least make yourself look good.

But there's still some more fun to be had with this PageSix article: Lindsay's acerbic retort. She says some crap about how her dad's an a-hole and can't be trusted, and he should butt out of her life now because she's happy finally, etc. She then concludes that thought thusly:

"But they might as well let it go because their lies don't affect me anymore. Samantha is not evil, I care for her very much and she's a wonderful girl.

"She loves me, as I do her."

Great choice of last 7 words there, Linds. I won't tell you the joke that that last line of hers reminds me of. But I will link you to it, if you're of the lecherous sort: The third joke on this list. That list is VERY not safe for work. So not safe for work in fact, that the 6th joke down is really funny.

Lookalikes 12.0- Roger Clemens and Uncle Joey's Puppet

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I FINALLY found a picture of Uncle Joey's puppet! The first second I saw Clemens' new 'do at his hearing that damn puppet was the first thing I thought of. I couldn't find the puppet on the web at the time then forgot about it. Then I was reminded of this lookalike couple while I laughed my ass off that Clemens was not mentioned during the final game at Yankee Stadium.

UPDATE: Now there's video of the puppet























More WhereAwesomeHappens Lookalikes:

David Wright and Steve Eigenberg

Jane Velez Mitchell and Adam Rich

Amy Poehler and Cindy McCain

Louis CK and Jim Cramer

Stephen Colbert and Jamie Gold

Dana Bash and an Afghan Dog

Fred Thompson and a Shar Pei Dog

Bristol Palin and Shawn Johnson


Also see:

What Do You Think Sarah Palin's Yahoo Password Was?

Three of the Four Best Commercials of the past 15 years.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

The four best commercials, for my money, in the last 15 years have been the Seth Green "Cha-Ching" commerical for Snapps (now Rally's), Geico's Tiny House parody, E*Trade's Super Bowl commercial featuring the chimpanzee, and the "Dude You're Gettin' a Dell" commercials. Sadly, I couldn't find any videos where the guy actually says "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell.", but I did find the other three. Enjoy the splendor.


Whoever wrote this guy's dialogue is a savant.




Forgotten classic.




Yes. Yes. And Yes.





See Also: The Rules of Remote Control Handling


(NOTE: A reader pointed out that my glorification of commercials is contrary to one of my Remote Handling edicts. He made a good point. That point of course, was that I am stupid.)

Good News Today For Sufferers of White Guilt Regarding Barack Obama

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Score a victory for white people today!

After hearing report after report about how Sen. Obama's race is likely to deter some white voters, it's pretty easy to feel some white guilt. So today when I read this article in the Chicago Sun-Times about a man in police custody after the Secret Service caught him near Obama's Chicago home with a gun, I immediately thought: I really hope this guy is not white. Yes, it's scary and you certainly hope that nothing ever happens to Michelle and the girls, but my first thought was still how awful it would make our country's state of race relations look if this were a crazy white hick.

Well, I got my wish. It wasn't a white guy! So us whitefolk dodged a white-guilt bullet today. Now let's celebrate by doing the White Man's Overbite while doing the Cabbage Patch to Brass Monkey!!!

The Rules of Remote Handling

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Over the years I have observed a lot of awful handling of the television remote control. In college, my roommates and I took Remote Handling (AKA: Remotesmanship) very seriously and set up a few rules. Since I graduated from school I realized saldy that no one else seemed to take this form of modern performance art nearly as seriously as we did. Much like ping-pong, wiffle-ball and euchre, every household is entitled to their own House Rules, but there ought to be a few ground rules in place. The problem is that most people know that such ground rules even exist. I'm here to help.

The following list is the WhereAwesomeHappens Recommended Rules and Etiquette Of Remote Handling. Interlaced in the list will be a few personal strategies and terms that you will find useful.


1) The Anchor Channel- This is your primary show, and you can have only one at a time. The point of Remote Handling is to find the best show that's on television, stick to it and watch it. This show's tv channel is your Anchor Channel. This may sound painfully rudimentary, but it is violated far too frequently. Too often I'll notice that people have no direction to their remote handling, and they have no end-game strategy. They just flip channels aimlessly and mistakenly believe that the objective of the Remote Handler is watch every show for a little while, or simply to pass time. This is THE cardinal sin of Remote Handling. The Remote Handler that does not have an Anchor Channel is known as A Dog Without a Home. The most effective way to avoid being a Dog Without a Home is to find your anchor channel as early as possible. This brings me to point #2.

2) The Preliminary Scroll-Through- When your show ends on what was your previous Anchor Channel it's time to find a new show. The way to do this is the Preliminary Scroll-Through. This is where at the beginning of the hour (or half-hour) you quickly scroll through your channel guide (if you have digital cable), or briefly check out every channel for a bit to get a lay of the land, and get a feel for what's on. Once you become aware of all the shows that are on at the time, you pick your Anchor Channel and stick with it.

3) Another rule for good Remote Handling is to avoid all commercials. The trick to doing this is also found in the Preliminary Scroll-Through. In addition to you Anchor Channel, you also need to find your Backup Channel during the PST, which is of course your second-favorite choice of programming. After establishing your Anchor and Backup Channels, you need to make sure that your Backup Channel is set as your "Last" button, or "Previous Channel" or however it is labeled on your remote control. Then when the program on your anchor channel goes to commercial, you simply click your "Last/Recall/Previous" button and you're avoiding commercials with your second choice. (Hint: Since most regular tv shows have commercial breaks at similar intervals, having sports or a movie as your backup channel increases the likelihood that you will avoid commercials while your Anchor Channel is at commercial)


4) Being Aware of Surroundings- In order to be a good Remote Handler, you must first be a gentleman. Well, kind of. You need to be considerate of those around you and your surroundings. For instance, if you're handling the remote and you stumble upon the middle of The Hunt for Red October, or any drama movie for that matter, but your four buddies haven't seen, it's a douche move to watch it. Nothing sucks worse than when your buddy is like "Oh sweet! I love this movie....You haven't seen it? Oh...It's awesome, here's what you missed...." Then poorly sets up the first 40 minutes of the movie and forces you to sit through the last hour. A rule at my house is you can't start watching the middle of a drama movie that not everyone has seen. As a genre, drama movies work because their beginning and middle set up the characters and the plot and the ending ties it all together, or reveals the mystery. The ending can be appreciated only from viewing the beginning and the middle. You cannot appreciate the ending without having seen all of the set up. This isn't the case with comedies; it's possible to have never heard of Ace Ventura yet still enjoy the antics of Jim Carrey even though you're ignorant of the overarching plot, theme, and characterization. You can begin watching the middle of a comedy that not everyone has seen, but you cannot do so for a drama.

Another environmental factor to consider is noise. If you're at a party, or there's music going, or you're handling the remote at a bar, you need to go with a show that's more visually oriented. Examples include, but are not limited to: sports, Wheel of Fortune, Jackass, Hole In the Wall, or America's Funniest Home Videos. While The Office is an outstanding show, you need sound to appreciate it. You'll find that most of the good shows to watch at these times are more often than not either game shows, sports, or physical comedy. You'll be much popular at a bar if you change it to America's Funniest Home Videos during happy hour, than if you flip it to The Notebook and try to hush everyone up while you tell them what they've missed so far.


5) 3 Strikes and You're Out. Sometimes the Remote Handler just doesn't have it. When you make a bad selection, maybe from trying a new show, or something your audience (i.e. the people watching with you that constitute your Remote Handling Constituency) feels was a bad decision, they may give you a Strike. Once you accrue three of them, you must then pass the remote to someone else. A classic example of strikes I have witnessed: My buddy caught the Discovery Channel during a child birth one time. Other examples include: operations, unsightly women from HBO's Real Sex series, the discovery channel showing an 800 lb. dude, or when your buddy sees a hot chick, puts the remote down and says "Whoa, what's this show?" then you realize that chick is a tranny. In very, very rare and unfortunate cases you may assess all three strikes at once.


6) Backseat Remote Handling- This name is derived from "Backseat Driver" a term we're all familiar with. However, unlike it's vehicular namesake, not all Backseat Remote Handling is inherently bad. Sometimes the Backseat Remote Handler will make a good suggestion during commercial time because they remembered something from the Preliminary Scroll-Through that the Remote Handler had forgot. The Handler does not always have to heed the Backseat advice, but sometimes it can be a Godsend. On the rare instance where the Backseat Handler advises a show that warrants the assessment of a Strike, that goes on the record of the Remote Handler. Some of the best Remote Handling I have ever witnessed has been Backseat Remote Handling. I always took great pride in being regarded as the best Backseat Remote Handler of my friends. Think of as the Remote Handler's wingman.


7) Natural Remote Handling- This is when your Anchor Channel and Backup Channel are on consecutive channels (e.g. They're on channels 37 and 38). This is the purist form of Remote Handling and gets its name from hockey's Natural Hat Trick. As you probably already know a hat trick is where one player scores three goals in a game. But the more gentlemanly achievement is the Natural Hat Trick, where that player records three goals in a row.


8) Rules of Remote Retention- This one really depends upon your house rules. Some people have alleged that upon leaving the room, the Remote Handler must give the remote to someone else. This rule arose because we would find that selfish remote handlers would take the remote control with them into the restroom or into the kitchen (or both). Then we mandated that the remote was not to leave the family room. This lead to two things: 1) before leaving the room, the remote handler would hide the remote control somewhere (in the cushions of the couch, under the couch, in a potted plant, etc.), OR upon leaving the room, the Handler would give his successor the remote by hurling it at his unsuspecting junk. (Hint: If you do adopt this rule and you're Handling and have to leave the room for some reason, it's best to try to leave in the middle of something suspenseful so your constituents are too focused on the television to notice that the remote is up for grabs)


9) Ways to Express Pleasure In One's Remote Handling- This is perhaps my favorite form of self-expression. Once the Remote Handler comes across a great find like The Goonies, or a Chris Rock special, it's commonplace for them to exude some form of joy as a result. Classic examples include saying, "Oh fuck yes!", "THAT'S how you handle a remote!", or a simple crotch chop. My go-to celebration was always to blow on the top of the remote in the same manner that Old West gunslingers would blow the smoke off of their revolver after shooting someone. Another popular expression was borrowed from Tony Sinclair's commercials and was simply, "I'm T.R. Slyder, and that's how Tangueray". In time I am sure you will find one that works for you and equally amuses and annoys your constituents as they look upon you and your achievements with jealousy.

This Ought to Wake You Up

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Just trying to wake you up on a Tuesday and contribute to your productivity in the workplace. Why? Because I care.

This Rubbed Me The Right Way

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

It's by Jessica Hagy. I first saw in on the Freakonomics Blog, which I highly recommend. The blog is done by the same guys who did the book, and is a lot of fun. If you're interested in seeing more of Hagy's work, a new of these funny/clever/witty charts is published every weekday on her blog which can be found here.

Commentator Kicks a Lot of Hiney in the Massachusetts Handicap

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

When your odds 1-9 (which returns $2.10 for a $2.00 bet), you are supposed to win big and that's just what Commentator did. With Curlin likely to skip the Breeder's Cup and Big Brown's connections being complete spazzes, Commentator looks like the logical favorite for the Breeder's Cup Classic next month. Commentator toyed with an inferior field for 3/4 of a mile, then becomes fed up with them and dispenses of the field in short order. Check it out for yourself.

Farewell Yankee Stadium

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Like every other American not named Tony I feel that the Yankees get way too much media coverage. Annoyed by the Yankees as I may be, I am willing to admit that 1) they are a very important sports team/American institution and 2) Yankee Stadium is the most important U.S. sporting venue. I am sure you have heard all the stories this week about it- How 3 popes said mass there, The "win one for the Gipper" speech was delivered there, Countless Yankee acts of heroism transpired there, and Joe Louis defeated Hitler-endorsed Aryan Max Shmelling there in s 1936 boxing match that was more about civil rights and patriotic bragging rights more so than boxing. Even my Yankee hating self is sad to see the old stadium go. In addition to all of the oft-repeated Yankee Stadium lore, I'd also like to humbly add my Yankee Stadium experience to the list.

In 1998 my brother took me to Yankee Stadium. The nighttime pre-game atmosphere in the Boogie Down Bronx was a far-cry from the pregame scene I was used to at Wrigley Field. The energy outside of the stadium was intoxicating, electric and even a bit scary. In fact, my most memorable Yankee Stadium memory took place before the game while waiting in line to be admitted to the stadium.

In line in front of us were two or three cute, All-American looking girls minding their business waiting like everyone else. Out of nowhere they were approached by the most hoodrat-looking Bronx lifer I'd seen all evening. Uninvited, he approached them and immediately began making his case for their affection. Needless to say they were not only disinterested, but a bit frightened as well. Over the course of the next few minutes he was doing his best to endear himsel to them. Their wall of curt, dismissive answers did nothing to dampen the enthusiasm of their ghetto suitor. After none of their dismissives seemed to have the desired affect, one of the girls finally said, "Dude, your breath STINKS!". I was pretty impressed by their brazeness and thought that would surely be the deathknell to this guy's advances. Without missing a beat he countered with, "Ma bref don't stank!" and kept right on going with his shameless flirtation.

Once inside the stadium I witnessed Orlando Hernandez tie the record for most strikeouts in a game by a Yankee rookie pitcher. That was pretty cool I guess, but what happened outside of the stadium will forever be my favorite Yankee Stadium memory. To this blogger Yankee Stadium = Ma bref don't stank.

Polekat $lim: A Brief History of American Fatassedness

By: Polekat $lim

Goddamn we're lazy...

You know, America is a country based on convenience, but I think we've gone a little too far with some of this stuff.. I mean, how lazy can we actually get?

See it started some generations ago with TV dinners.... People come home from work and are too tired to make a full course meal, so they throw everything together in an easily microwavable tray and try to convince people it tastes relatively similar to real food.. Not a bad idea... Not very good, but not a bad idea, nonetheless.. By the way, what the hell, exactly, is a Salisbury Steak? Did this actually exist before the advent of TV dinner or was it a name conjured up by Stouffers to dress up dog food grade beef? I mean, "Salisbury Steak" does sound better than "Salisbury Horse", but I digress....

Next we get to washer/dryer combos in the same unit, DVD/VCR, sometimes installed IN the TV, Swiss Army knives (another useless invention because all anyone ever uses are the knife and scissors, and loses the toothpick and tweezers) and all kinds of other multifunctional pieces of shit that throw everything we need into one portable device..

Shit, the other day I was at the liquor store... yeah I know, no surprise, and I couldn't believe what all was prepackaged.. Is it really that hard to mix vodka and juice? I understand a Long Island Ice Tea, you don't always wanna carry around four or five liquors and mixers, but a Screwdriver??!!!

In high school it was that jar of peanut butter and jelly that was pre-mixed... I thought that was the epitome of laziness. I mean, how hard is it to make a peanut-butter-and-jelly-sandwich people? What's next? Are we just gonna' throw some croutons in the jar and eat the sandwich through a fucking straw? I mean, my girlfriend in college didn't realize the first time she made mac and cheese that you were supposed to drain the water before you mixed the cheese powder.... THAT was pretty fucking stupid... But even she wasn't too brain dead to know how to make a fucking PB&J sandy...

Now they've got these "cereal bars" with dehydrated milk coatings? Huh? did I miss something? Are we too lazy or in too much of a hurry to even make and eat a bowl of cereal? I mean, damn. I think if there were a way to make water even more convenient (other than bottling it and quadrupling the price) Someone's gonna market it.. I know, the Dasani IV, so you don't even need to pick up the bottle, you just plug in and adjust the drip....

Oh, but it gets worse...

So I'm sitting around watching TV and I see a KFC commercial. You probably know that KFC now has a "Bowl thingee".. It's a bowl of mashed potatoes, with a couple spoonfuls of corn, topped with chunks of fried pseudo chicken, then cheese melted on top.....

What the hell??!!! Are we that lazy people? Are we in too much of a hurry to just throw all of our lunch/dinner into a bowl and scarf it? I mean, it's all mixed coming out, but really... It doesn't have to be that way going in..... does it? This takes lack of effort, creativity, and just overall dignity out of a meal, as well as corporate marketing.... Picture this board meeting.....

"Shit people, we are running out of ways to sell various kinds of chicken and sides and we're losing valuable ground.... What are your ideas?"

"How about we NOT sell something new, but take what we sell now and throw it all in a bowl so people don't have to waste valuable energy moving their arm and fork to another bowl......"

"Brilliant.... get on it..."

But it's not just KFC... Look at McDonald's and Burger King... Take your pancakes, french toast, sausage, bacon, whatever and just make a sandwich out of the whole breakfast....

I swear, I'm waiting for the damn burger that has the fries as a topping, so you can just take your whole meal down in a few bites... Salsa with chips in the jar, soup and salad in the same bowl...

And the worst part about this is that you're paying someone to make it for you.. So now you are not only making an excuse for why you are to lazy to make your food from separate containers, but you're too lazy to even eat it from a separate container...

Maybe with all the time people save by not actually having to make food, or even pause to switch entrees, they could do some running or something to shave off some of that lard.....

Yeah I still doubt it...

Still phat, still greezey,

Polekat $lim