Wait....PETA Doesn't Support People Eating Cats Now??

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


When did that happen? PETA must be in favor of bronchitis, because everyone knows that eating cat cures bronchitis! You learn that in like the first 20 minutes of three DVD-course that puts you on the path to opening your own voodoo practice out of your van. Everybody knows that.

Timeline of Adam "Pacman" Jones Incidents

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



As you may have already heard Pacman Jones got into a physical altercation with someone in Dallas last night. What a boob.

Other Pacman news:

October, 2003: On alleged role in a barfight: Pacman Jones, "I was misunderstood regarding that violent incident that took place around me. I deny any involvement in it and my presence at the incident is pure coincidence."

April 27, 2005: On allegation he punched a woman in the mouth at a club: Pacman Jones, "I was misunderstood regarding that violent incident that took place around me. I deny any involvement in it and my presence at the incident is pure coincidence. "

July 13, 2005: On allegation of felony vandalism and 2 misdemeanor assaults at a club: Pacman Jones, "I was misunderstood regarding that violent incident that took place around me. I deny any involvement in it and my presence at the incident is pure coincidence. "

Sept. 5, 2005: On allegation of involvement in a verbal altercation with a parking valet: Pacman Jones, "I was misunderstood regarding that violent incident that took place around me. I deny any involvement in it and my presence at the incident is pure coincidence. "

February 2006: One allegations of felony and misdemeanor obstruction of justice charges outside of a Fayetville, GA. home: Pacman Jones, "I was misunderstood regarding that violent incident that took place around me. I deny any involvement in it and my presence at the incident is pure coincidence. "

April 11, 2006: On alleged involvement in a drug that included 1,653 pounds of marijuana, 128 pounds of cocaine: Pacman Jones, "I was misunderstood regarding that violent incident drug deal that took place around me. I deny any involvement in it and my presence at the incident is pure coincidence. "

April 18, 2006: Regarding his presence at a gunfight at a gas station: Pacman Jones, "I was misunderstood regarding that violent incident that took place around me. I deny any involvement in it and my presence at the incident is pure coincidence. "

August 25, 2006: On allegations that he spit on a woman and was verbally abusive toward her: Pacman Jones, "I was misunderstood regarding that violent incident that took place around me. I deny any involvement in it and my presence at the incident is pure coincidence. "


February 2007: On his alleged involvement in a Las Vegas strip club shooting where a bouncer was shot: Pacman Jones, "I was misunderstood regarding that violent incident that took place around me. I deny any involvement in it and my presence at the incident is pure coincidence. "

June 18, 2007: On his alleged involvement in a shooting in an Atlanta strip club: Pacman Jones, "I was misunderstood regarding that violent incident that took place around me. I deny any involvement in it and my presence at the incident is pure coincidence. "

Jan. 15, 2008: On the allegation that he punched a woman in an Atlanta strip club: Pacman Jones, "I was misunderstood regarding that violent incident that took place around me. I deny any involvement in it and my presence at the incident is pure coincidence. "

Oct. 9, 2008: On the allegation of getting into a fight with a team boydguard: Pacman Jones, "I was misunderstood regarding that violent incident that took place around me. I deny any involvement in it and my presence at the incident is pure coincidence. "

Sorry About my Lax Correspondance Lately, Guys.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I know I've been a bad friend and have gotten really behind on getting back to people's emails. I figured this would be a good, centralized format in which to do that. I've been slacking, I know it, and I apologize. I know there's no excuse. To the people I most urgently need to reply to are:

Ecowas Bonanza, Bello Suraj, The Camelot Lottery Board, UK Online Lottery Promo, Irish International Lottery Board, Mr. Umary, Amaranth Wilson, Mr. Amed, Rev. Jones Maxwell Harth, Zanki Mumouni, Mrshellen Micheal, Monique Barro, UK Online Result Department, Mr. Louis, Lanson Hana, Hazel Akron, Mrs. Zhu Yuning, Global Promotion, George Congo and Mr. Musa Camara.

I am sooo sorry to let all of you down. I'm pretty sure I met all of you at that party a few weeks ago, sorry I was a bit tipsy and to be quite honest, I don't remember all of you individually, but I'd like to offer a brief all-ecnompasing relpy: How's Nigeria/UK? That is so awesome that you were left $10 million in that will, what a bummer you can't deposit it into your own account though, right? Thanks for thinking of me to help you with it! That's also so awesome that my email won the lottery! Talk about making money hand over fist. Wow. I'm so glad I met you guys at that party!

Your friend,

T.R.


P.S. I didn't get some of your emails until just now, for some messed up reason most of them went to my Spam Folder? WTF, right?

Chicago News: 10/9

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Trial for defrocked priest gets underway. He was originalyl defrocked by the diocese because he defrocked himself and de-pants'd a little boy. In light of all the sex-abuse scandals, I think it's time to change the euphemism of "defrocked" to "kicked out of priesthood" or something less pun-friendly.

Funny how after Blagovich gives free CTA rides to seniors, he has to raise prices for everyone else. Total coincidence.

While discussing the Icelandic Economy's near collapse, the Trib. outclasses several other media outlets and avoids the "Icelandic Meltdown" pun. Way to go Trib. When you pay the extra $.25 to buy the Tribune and not the Sun-Times, what's the extra charge for? Dignity.

Mayor Daley panders to the masses by expressing his desire to fire the lazy garbagemen featured in yesterday's shocking Sun-Times expose about lazy city workers. So PLEASE don't tell him that I was late in posting my Weng Weng Wednesday post yesterday!

When you publicly belittle a planetarium's projector, be prepared to deal with geek wrath! He's looking at you John McCain (through thick, heavily taped glasses with a strap around the back).

The privitazation of Midway Airport got its finalization on.

Bears DT Tommie Harries explains why he was habitually tardy to team functions, often fined, and injury-prone: Lack of Jesus, duh. Does that count as a sack for Jesus? I hope so.

Cubs and White Sox tv color-announcers share their feelings on their teams' early playoff exits. Ron Santo is disappointed and will wait until next year. Hawk Harrelson dealt with it in his own way: by lying to himself and not respectingthe Sox opponent. You can put "Denial" onnnn the boooooard, YES!


To Do Tonight: TV Re-Runs! A Very "Special" Halloween. An uptown neighborhood bar/lounge place will hold selected readings from Halloween Special favorites of yesteryear.

Chicago News: 10/8 Wrap up

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


The Shitty-Looking Coat Shooter surrenders. Apparently he started doing good about 3 days too late.

I hope you are sitting down for this one. Chicago city workers do not work all that hard. What next? Telling us that in fact 12 of the 14 street city workers standing around a 2'x2' pothole aren't necessary?

What happens at the end of your el train's line? RedEye's always on-point Kyra Kyles explores.

Cook County is all evicted-out. The renting-tenants of several Cook Co. properties which have been foreclosed will not face evictions if their landlord had failed to make mortgage payments.

Since it was a slow news day, this is where the Arby's are downtown. I visited my favorite one today that isn't on this map, that's a block East of State St. right by Loyola.

Weng Weng Wednesday

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


This is Part Two of my Five-piece Series of the 1982 thriller, The Impossible Kid. As you no doubt recall from last week, our hero is working for the Malaysian branch of INTERPOL and has been assigned to prevent terrorists from liquidating a prominent industrialist that was kidnapped during last week's episodes. This is another film of Weng Weng's where he plays a little person, a role in which he is very convincing indeed. There are 10 episodes in all and we tackle two episodes a week, so here are episodes 3 and 4 of 10.

I wished that every one of you watch all the clips, but I know you don't so I'll point out the highlights. It gets "real real" (as my hip-hop brethren say) around the 4:05 mark. And the kick at the 4:11 looks painful. His 6th, maybe 7th sense hilariously kicks in around the 7:05 mark. The 9:10 mark tells us that even wealthy, kidnap-worthy wealthy industrialists drive hatchbacks in Malaysia. The the last line of dialogue is "I know where Agent Double-O holds his karate exercises...." Yes please. Bring on Episode 4!





SPOILER ALERT: Weng Weng is also awesome in episode 4/10!
First of all, the cure for modern Clinical Depression begins at the :28 mark and lasts through 3:30. This is must see Karat-ay action taking place in the littlest dojo you'll ever love- to paraphrase the Peace Corps (how are "corps" and "core" pronounced the same? Good luck explaining that to a new English speaker). Also of note: Gratuitous boob action at 5:50.

Chicago 10/7 PM News Wrapup

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



"Blagojevich Denies any Wrongdoing" is becoming the most commonly seen headline since "Middle East Peace Talks Fail". You see that headline so often that eventually you wonder, "Does that even qualify as NEWs? Can't I just assume that's the case everyday?" In related news: Gravity is still fully in effect and the world's oceans remain wet.

FBI, let me help you out. Talk to every strip club within a 40 mile radius of Chicago, and have the strippers be on the lookout for a fat guy makin' it rain. The Playboy Bandit is at large!

The Midway Privitization bill was passed by the City Council committee today, clearing the way for "clear for takeoff" puns by the Sun-Times.

The weather be all rainy, an' shit.

Get your Kip Dynamite on and Loooove technology at Wired Magazine's NextFest in Millenium Park

It's Good Neighbor Night at B.L.U.E.S. on Halsted- anyone from the 60614, 60657 or 60610 gets in free to hear Willie Davis and the All-Stars.

Lovechild Investigation: 7.0

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Don Flamenco + Steve Carell = Martin Gramatica. Sorry the presentation is so ghetto, but it's the only way I could get them on the same row.











Loyal WhereAwesomeHappens Readers will note that this means that 1) Steve Carell cheated on Janet Reno, and 2) Martin Gramatica is now the half brother to the Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich. Small world.




Other Lookalikes:

David Wright and Steve Eigenberg

Jane Velez Mitchell and Adam Rich

Amy Poehler and Cindy McCain

Louis CK and Jim Cramer

Stephen Colbert and Jamie Gold

Dana Bash and an Afghan Dog

Fred Thompson and a Shar Pei Dog

Bristol Palin and Shawn Johnson

Brandon DiCamillo and Paul Scheer

Steve from Married with Children and The Dad from Calvin and Hobbes

Ryan Howard and Tracy Morgan

Roger Clemens and Uncle Joey's Puppet

Seth MacFarlane and Mauro Ranallo

Keep on Keepin' on, Florida.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


A "Bra Bandit" has been accused of stealing over 160 bras from a Victoria's Secret in Bonita Springs. What state is Bonita Springs in? Florida. Duh.

Chicago 10/7 AM News Roundup

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


University of Chicago does it again- Another professor of theirs has won a Nobel Prize. Yoichiro Nambu won half of a nobel prize, for his role in discovering something called spontaneous broken symmetry in subatomic physics. I mean, I'd known about those for years (we'd call them SBS for short), but I never told anyone about them for fear of sounding like a heretic.

Today is the last day to register to vote. Technically. For info on how to register, get your click here on. Unless your vote will cancel out my vote. Then it's probably best you stayed unregistered.

An image of the CTA bus shooter/murderer. I hope authorities are able to catch him at his job at the Disgusting Coat Store. That dude picked himself out a real winner.

The White Sox are doing the cry-and-wap alongside the Cubs now after their loss last night at US Cellular.

Guess which of the two city newspapers is providing a downloadable bingo card, to de-intellectualize the debates?? How did you know it was the Sun-Times? Um, nice guess. I hope the Red Eye follows suit and make a drinking game.... Tonight's debates is at Belmont University. If that name sounds familiar to you it's because they're one of the NCAA teams that is a 16th seed every three years along with Rider, Mount Saint Marys, Sienna, Iona, American, and Mouthy Bobs Oral Roberts.

R. Kelly was awarded $3.4 million in a settlement against a former tour promoter. Since only the loot can make him happy, he'll most likely be having a party at the Rock n Roll McDonalds to celebrate. After the party it's the after-party, and after that it's the hotel lobby, where he will have you singin' like a mocking bird. Word.

Here's what Metromix says is going on today

Barack: "Oh, Baby!"

I thought this was funny.



If I ever meet a presidential candidate, I'm totally gonna try to put my fingers in their mouth.

It kind reminds me of the old joke (which could be a derivation of a Rodney Dangerfield joke): "You're so ugly when you go to the proctologist, he puts his fingers in your mouth."

More Florida Awesomeness

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


So my friend and occasional WhereAwesomeHappens contributor, Polekat $lim lives in Florida. His frequent email forwards were the inspiration for this recurring column about Florida's awesomeness. Then tonight he sent me this picture taken with his camera phone.



"Now you lookie he-uh, I aint leavin' this he-uh office until you fill up ma empteh whiskey jug with peroxide, ya he-uh?"

Can you beat that caption? Let me know in the "Comments" section. I'll take on all comers! be eager to see what you write.

He's like the dude Crystal Gale of NASCAR.

The Fort Wayne Tincaps

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



Wow. My hometown's single-A baseball team just changed names for no reason. They used to be the Fort Wayne Wizards. Now they are the Johnny Appleseed homaging- Tincaps. Above is their logo. No seriously, that's their logo. Way to keep it greezy, Fort Weezy.


I just hope their motto is: "Hide the Women and Children: We're Coming to Your Town to Spread our Seed."




My long-winded rant on their new appellation: I don't get team names like that. When you name your team after an object (or person) that exists in your city, you do so when there is a plurality of them. Take the Florida Marlins, for instance. Florida has multitude of Marlins, so it makes sense to name them the MarlinS, plural. Their team represents all of the marlins in Florida. But if your city has one of something, you can't name it that name plural. It would be stupid for Chicago to have a team called The Sears Towers, because there is only one Sears Tower- you are pluralizing something singular and it doesn't work- if anything, you're diluting the cache of the one existing Sears Tower by claiming that you're fielding an entire team of little Sears Towers. Conversely, the Florida Marlins aren't cheapening the marlin population in the wild, because there are already so many of them.

Fort Wayne calling themselves the Tincaps is an homage to Johnny Appleseed who famously wore a tin put on his head during his Midwestern sojourn. No one else in Fort Wayne has ever worn tin, in any form, as a hat since him. So why pluralize something unique? But what's even dumber is that material of the Tincaps' caps is 85% acrylic, 15% wool! How the hell can you have such reverence for tin caps if you, yourself refuse to wear caps made of tin??? The White Sox wore actual white socks, and the Red Sox wore red socks back when socks were officially part of their uniforms. And the Red-winged Blackbird is an actual black bird with red wings!

So what makes Fort Wayne think it's so special that they think they don't have to abide by the precedents of name/uniform truth? Cuz I'm from there, baby.

Chicago PM Wrapup

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



Fatburger comes to Chicago. Yes, the Fatburger- the one name-dropped in Today was a Good Day by Ice Cube.

Chicago P.D. will form a new gang-unit called the Mobile Strike Force, comprising 115 officers.

Congress is finally stepping up its efforts to make trains viable in the US. They authorized $13.1 billion (for the next 5 years) to help create a high-speed passenger corridors and to improve existing tracks, and plan on making Chicago the hub of the revised system. As everyone who has ever been to Europe is thinking: It's about damn time.


WhereAwesomeHappens Best Bet to do Tonight: Deathscribe.

The New Must-Have Winter Coat

Pierre Cardin, you Sir, know exactly what Chicagoans want in a winter coat. Complete mastery of form and function.

The Humiliation of Kimbo Slice and Its Similarities to Mayweather vs. Hatton

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I thought about making this headline "Kimbo takes too many head blows, blows the fight.". Make sure you aren't trying to text while watching this. You'll miss the entire fight. Thanks for comin' out Kimbo.



The first punch that stunned Kimbo reminded me of Floyd Mayweather's knockout of Ricky Hatton. It's hard to see Petruzelli's first landing blow in real time, but they do a good job of showing it on the replay. In the Mayweather fight, Mayweather caught Hatton with, what I learned from Mayweather's post-fight interview is called a "check-hook". When the guy is closing in on you, he's focused on your face and isn't thinking about his peripheral field quite as much and is vulnerable to a hook. Even if you don't knock him down, you'll at least impede his process a bit and be able to regroup.

Going Chicago Style

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

For this week I thought I'd take this site in a nude erection new direction. I realized that Chicago doesn't have a great, hip website to talk about Chicago. I don't need to re-invent the wheel, put the arms on the Venus di Milo, gild the lilly, or use cliches, just get some Chicago news out there in one site. I hope you all enjoy my nude erection new direction. So we'll see how it goes.

I even booked Kanye West for the launch party. (you can see the actual video here)


AM Chicago News Roundup

The big non-sports news of the weekend is that a 17 year old girl was killed on the far south side. She was killed while riding a CTA bus, the victim of crossfire that occurred ON THE BUS between two of the worst people ever. Great jobs guys.

In pervert-related news: Authorities have learned that a sick, sick bastard man in a clown suit has been approaching schoolchildren in East Garfield Park as they walk to and from school. Granted, that is shocking news. But here's what isn't shocking- the kind of vehicle he drives: You guessed it. A van.

Blagojevich is the slimiest politician ever. And he still looks like the lovechild of Steve Carrell and Janet Reno (proof here).

The Trib. ran this list of the hotels where celebrities stay when they visit the Chi. I'd say the Trump International still has a ways to go before it catches up with the Peninsula.

Mayor Daley's proposed 99-year, privatized lease of Midway Airport is up for its first vote today. If passed this would raise $2.52 billion. If the bill were to be passed, most of the money would have to go toward infrastructure or pension obligations, and would leave roughly $100 to be spent however he wishes. And by "however he wishes", of course I mean "on the Olympic bid"

During a 5k Run in Bucktown, 137 cars were towed and the towees are complaining that there were no signs telling them that they couldn't park.

Police on high alert at Foreman High today after Friday's classes ended early from rampant violence resulting in 24 arrests. "Nearly a dozen officers, along with a patrol wagon." I can't believe they didn't just call it the Paddy Wagon. You don't the chance to say "paddy wagon" everyday, so you have to take advantage of it whenever you can. Paddy wagon.

Random Chicago Links

Things look good for Obama according to this really interesting political site.

Do you hate your Time Warner cable service? Then you'll enjoy this.

Why the price of your weed has gone up



Today's Chicago Events

Ghost tours are underway in the second city.

Chicago Art Open at the Merchandise Mart begins today

See the original scroll on whichJack Keruouc wrote On the Road. Bonus points if you can name the two Chicago streets mentioned in that book. (Answer: Clark and Halsted. I get bonus points)

Wine tasting on one of the streets mentioned in On the Road. The D.O.C. offers a bi-weekly wine tasting and tonight is the night. Just to avoid any confusing "a bi-weekly tasting" is MUCH different than a "bi weakly tasting". I found that out the hard way.

The rest of the Metromix list for things to do today can be found here

The Chicago Reader's Early Warnings of upcoming music concerts and gigs.

Hi-Tops is open again. This time in Lincoln Park by DePaul. Finally, a place for kids to binge drink in Lincoln Park.


Previously in Chicago News:

Girl in Elgin, IL. had to remove her Kosuke Fukudome jersey, because it could be construed as foul language. Good to know the cosmopolitans in Elgin have a healthy respect for global integration. Oh, and ignorance of their hometown team. Foreigners can be sooo foul!

Thank God! CTA prices may finally go UP. I was sick of paying only $2.00, anyway.

The city is expected to ban texting while driving. If enforcing the ban on talking on your phone's handset is any indication, this will be enforced at least 7 times a year.

Classes were dismissed at 1 pm at Foreman high on Friday. Why? Because there were so many fights that 24 students were arrested, and the school was deemed unsafe.

In related news, Chicago Public Schools PSAT scores are down. Funny coincidence.

More Florida Awesomeness

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Carnival ride. Mother dropping kid. Florida. Busch Light. (I am guessing about the last one)

Is a Bizarre Japanese Porn Star Influencing the NFL?

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


This post is the least worksafe entry I've ever posted. It can be found here.

Peyton Manning's Team

Maybe you were at home watching football today. And Maybe you were watching a team that won't be making the playoffs this year- like, Peyton Manning's team.


Update: Holy Moly Buttholey. That was the most unlikely comeback I've seen in any sport in a long time. Wow. I posted the above right before Sage Rosenfels' helicopter fumble. I'm still keeping the post up though because, 1) I think it's funny. And 2) The Colts are still underachieving despite Houston bequeathing this game to them.


That was the worst quarterbacking possible. Literally. Wow, that was hilarious. Thanks for the memories, soon-to-be-ex-NFLer Sage Rosenfels.