Dear Carlos Zambrano, You are Fat. Sincerely, TR Slyder.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, @AndyDisco on Twitter


-Carlos Zambrano is not even the best fat, Venezuelan-born pitcher on the Cubs named Carlos. Carlos Silva is. Zambrano isn't even the second best Cubs pitcher named Carlos: Carlos Marmol is better than him as well.

- He makes $19 million a year and is fat. That tells me literally everything I need to know about him. If he's going to have a meltdown, maybe he can melt down his waistline.

- If he got screamed at/punched every time he sucked on the field, maybe he wouldn't be a fat has-been.

-He was screaming at Derrek Lee. The same Derek Lee that has a World Series ring, THREE gold gloves and is an exemplary citizen and ball player. No one has saved more runs over Zambrano's career than Derrek Lee. To further the stupidity, Lee has been slumping all season long and really doesn't need to get screamed at by anyone, much less by the only Cub (other than Aramis Ramirez) having a crappier season.

- In 2009 Zambrano had to leave a few games due to muscle cramping. He doesn't like drinking water and would drink coffee and Red Bull before games. In other words, he would DEhydrate himself before playing a sport in the summertime while wearing pants and refuse to re-hydrate. He was being paid $19 million at the time.

-After punching his catcher in 2007, the catcher got traded.
- There is a 100% chance that he has the skid-markiest underwear of any Cub.

- Due to his sucking, he was relegated to the bullpen in 2010. Despite being paid $19 million (more than some team's entire starting rotation), he was not good enough to make his own team's starting rotation.

-In a related story, the Cubs have the highest average ticket price in the major leagues, despite being 9 games under .500 and in 4th place in the lowly NL Central. They are 8.5 games out of first place. And 7 games out of last place.









That's how I roll.