Since Tuesdays are Always Lame....

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I'll post a few awesome pictures. If you're Awesomeness Intolerant, you may not want to view all the pictures at the same time. Maybe just like, scroll down really slowly and view this in a piecemeal fashion, I guess.

The Opposite of Superfluous 2.0: More Günther

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


People always ask me, "Now that Motley Crue is totally washed up, who do you think is the best musician with an ümlaut in their name?" I answer the same everytime: Günther.






(to type the ü with the two dots above it, hold down Alt and press 129 on the keypad on the rightside of the keyboard, then when you left off the Alt, it shows up)

Cubs Fan Emotion-o-Meter

(please note in that picture that Harry has one cup inside the other. That was not beer #1 on the day for our friend Harry)

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I'm gonna start doing this everyday now. The Cubs (with a record of 86-57) have a 4.5 game lead over the Milwonky Brewers (82-62) in the NL Central with 19 games left to play. Lately the Cubs have struggled a little bit which would be a bigger deal, but had Milwonky has also struggled recently. Tonight the Cubs play the always dangerous St. Louis Cardinals (77-66), Milwonky has a much easier opponent in the Cincinnati Reds (65-79).

Cubs Emotion-o-Meter word(s) of the day: Vigilant Optimism. No reason for panic, or all-out "concern", but something to watch.

Cubs Emotion-o-Meter Picture that sums up how knowledgeable Cubs fans ought to be feeling right now:


One cool cucumber customer.

(in the interest of full disclosure I misspelled "knowledgeable" before I spell-checked. I may not be a knowledgeable fan, myself. But I am "knowledgable", at least.)

WhereAwesomeHappens' Toilet Toe-Tap Tuesday

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


If you've ever been curious about tap-dancing, today is the day to do it- in a public restroom stall. Once you've perfected your softshoe, try a wider stance (maybe during a Widestance Wednesday) at the stall and see if you have any admirers of your seated choreography. If all goes well, it could escalate from being a harmless little public toilet softshoe, into a full-blown mating dance rather quickly. Big ups to Idaho Senator Larry Craig!

The Skillz to Slang the Grillz

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

If there is one thing I truly care about, it's plug-in kitchen appliances that are endorsed by retired athletes. I have never understood the rationale of people who purchase kitchen items that are not endorsed by them. I am also a staunch believer in the converse- I purchase only athletic wear that is sponsored by chefs. You can imagine how many compliments my Emeril Lagasse spandex have received over the years, or the jealousy in the eyes of people who see me in my Paula Deen running shorts.

Everyone knows the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Fighting Grilling Machine, but not everyone knows about the others. This is where I am not actually being sarcastic any more. Here's a look at the purveyors of "Fauxman Grills".

1. Hulk Hogan's Ultimate Grill.

Nothing about this infomercial is not uncomfortable to watch. Horrible acting by the Hulkster, and his family was even worse somehow. It's obvious Hulk did not study marketing in college because one of the first lessons they teach you is that when your product's sales rely upon Brooke Hogan's ability to ad-lib marketing ideas, your sales are going to suck.

Surprisingly, this grill actually appears to be pretty legit. The interchanging grill plates and flip-top lid are great ideas. I understand how a kitchen appliance company would want to copy the Foreman grill, but what I don't get is why they think they also need a has-been athlete to hock it. If it were just called something like "The Ultimate Kitchen Counter Grill" I'd give it a shot, but once it has Hulk Hogan's name affixed to it, something inside of you just says "Oh." and assumes it's just a knock-off.



2. Evander Holyfield's Real Deal Grill

This one seems extremely similar to Hulk's. I wasn't able to find out whose came out first, so I can't say who copied who. Evander didn't have spots on YouTube to peddle his wares but he does have a website you can find here, that features a highly informative video spot. You'll see that it's exactly like Hulk's. The one legitimizing thing in Holyfield's corner (Boxing pun bonus!) is that he does have that website. Neither Hulk nor, the grill I feature next have their own website which just adds to their sketchiness.





3. Deion Sanders' Hot Dog Express


This is just bad. Both the video quality and the concept.




Finally! Someone took all the thinking out of cooking/reheating hot dogs. Since the average home chef doesn't have the fancy accoutrement like a frying pan or a pot that boils water, this machine allows you to actually re-heat readymade hot dogs from your own kitchen. And it takes up only half of your counter space! Not only that but all the fat is drained away during the cooking process! That's especially helpeful since we simply do not have the technology available right now to remove fat from hot dogs any other way. Maybe in the future someone will invent something like a "paper towel" if you will, and then devise a procedure like patting down a cooked hot dog to remove its residual fat. But until that day comes, this grill is the only possible way to do that.

This grill is the perfect example of something my grandfather once told me on a fishing trip, "When you get older and start a family and realize that you want to serve them unhealthy processed meats on a regular basis and decide to invest in a hot dog cooker, make sure it's endorsed by a man who once had a jeri curl. That's the most reliable predictor of it's quality. I just wished someone had told me that when I was your age."

NFL Pregame Shows: I Hate 'em, so Should You

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com




(This piece was written last year for a website I used to write for. I remembered it yesterday while watching Chris Berman yammering about himself and how he relates to football. I decided to run the article again).

You know when you're watching Jack Black prance around in his underpants conjuring up his inner rock-god and you're sitting there like "What the hell is this?? How could someone think I care about any of this?? What portion of this would entertain me? I just don't get it. Well, it does look like he's having fun at least. Good for him. That makes one of us."

I feel that way when I'm watching those NFL shows. Which NFL show? All of them. All four networks and ESPN. Sure, I have fun talking about NFL games with my friends as we joke around and make fun of each other and bust on one another's favorite teams. Have I any right to expect you to enjoy watching that? God no.

That's the problem. As a solutions-oriented complainer, in this article I will gripe as I detail where the train of NFL Show decency was derailed, then I will offer my solution to this problem.

Problem #0: the Original Sin

The panelists making predictions. Not sure when this started, or what pompous ass assumed we cared. This portion of these shows has been around as long as I can remember, which leads to my next question: What the f&$# for? What other sport does this? (Horse racing is exempt because the sport is based around betting, so predictions help you enjoy the sport) Peter Gammons doesn't say: "OK boys, as you know I went 12-4 last night with my picks, so here they are for tonight....." Jay Bilas doesn't do that either. Why football? This gets back to my Jack Black in underpants comment- sure it's fun to think people give a crap about your predictions, but who honestly would? I am positive you don't care who I think will win. So go ahead and use that logic for how you think I'd feel about your predictions. It's really very, very simple.

But then they took these predictions and went a step further: they kept score for the whole year. Terrible. Terrible idea. Sure thing guys, we don't care how our favorite team does, just as long as it helps Quadry Ismail gain a game on Tony Siragusa in the overall standings.

The unkindest cut of all of this, is that when they cut to the predictions portion of the show and have the air of "Finally America, here it is, what you've all been waiting for...." they inevitably start off with "OK, I went 6-11 last week with my picks......" how does that whet my appetite? MAYBE I'd listen if you knew what you were doing, but you obviously don't. If you give a monkey a pencil, over time he (or she) will pick 50% of the winners. Why can't these guys? Is this some kind of fucking joke?


Problem #1: The SportsCenter-ification of the Pre/Half/Post game show.

SportsCenter, at one time was the Little Sports Show That Could. It gained it's full momentum when sports anchors started instituting catchy phrases and recanting that day's sports highlights with more flair than was customary. Resplendent in elevated intonation, use of slang and the all-new "catchphrase", this proved to be the way of the future. It used to be that people doing an impression of a sportscaster just did a Howard Cosell impression, now they just make up a nonsensical catchphrase and sound the part. This also represents the difference between entertainment and journalism.

The fallout of problem #1: The halftime clips being screamed by an ex athlete who is only mostly literate but has the most up-to-date catchphrases of anyone else on hand at the time. Problem #1 has also resulted in the panelists trying to act more like a kind of entertainer than an actual journalist, or just acting as themselves. Hey panelists, the sport is the entertainment, not you nutsacks.

Problem #2: The proliferation of fantasy football

The networks realized that everyone plays fantasy football even people who aren't huge football fans. Furthermore, not only were nearly all of their viewing audience currently in a fantasy league, some people were watching only because they were in a fantasy league.

The fallout: This problem was inspired by the Original Sin. Now it has it's own segment: The update with their fantasy league. Now whenever an NFL player is mentioned we get to hear his name prefaced with "...the stud of my fantasy football team with 26 points last week....". Right guys, trust me, we're all following your fantasy league at home. Somewhere Jack Black lays back in his easy chair, shirtless and disheveled, with a tic-tac-sized bulge in his whitey tighties.

Problem #3: Athlete panelists replacing journalist panelists

Ideally you have both on a panel. The current NFL show format is a jovial host surrounded by ex-athletes. Admittedly this is a fantastic formula. Assuming what you're looking for is an orgy of poor grammar at a high volume combined with a celebration of fake laughter interrupted by poorly-faked chemistry. However, should your objective be an effective football broadcast, this is a bad idea. The moderator of the bunch is overrun by the athletes' canned chemistry/laughter and the show digresses.

Admittedly, the panels are far richer with accomplished ex-athletes, but we don't need 3 at the desk and 4 more as correspondents. When I saw Keyshawn Johnson interview Chad Johnson, I thought Keyshawn was just trying to prove to Chad how down he still is, and auditioning to get invited to a Chad Johnson party. All while trying to get in an interview on the side.

Look at how much better Baseball Tonight's model is: Ravich + athlete or two (Harold Reynolds was the best) + a journalist (Kurkjian, Gammons or Olney) = Great show every time. That formula is outstanding. If the athlete wants to get too crunked up, he's out numbered by men who speak English, and he assumes their civility. This works.

Problem #4: When the dudes grab an actual football and actually run a play in real life on their toy field. Then the non-athletes try to act as though they actually belong and if a real game were to break out they would totally hold their own.

Seriously guys. No.


Final problem. Problem #5: The PTI-ification of NFL shows.

I love PTI. So should you. It's proof that actual journalism mixed with actual chemistry can still be extremely entertaining. Unfortunately, their justified influence has had a non-sanctimonious trickle-down effect. Now every segment has to be made into some kind of game like it's The Price Is Right. You can't just give America 3 things to look for, you have to play the new game "'Give Me Some More' or 'Your Mom's a Whore'", no longer will you be pro or con, it's either "'Coors Light-tastic' or 'Cover Your Head in a Bag That's Plastic'", I heard rumors about a game in the works called "'This One Has Soul' or 'Blow It Out Your Red Hole'" and that's simply not necessary.

On top of all of this idiocy during the pregame they get even crappier at halftime. This error isn't made by self-promoting, hyperactive goofballs in front of the camera. This is a problem with the directors. You endured the pregame show. You just watched the first half of your locally scheduled game. You have a brain. You saw the game and its highlights as they happened. You know what each team wants to change for the next half. THIS game you know, but you're dying to see the other games: maybe your favorite team was playing but you couldn't get it on your TV, maybe other games have huge fantasy impact. Finally halftime is here and you can watch other games' highlights!! So after commercial what game does the Halftime Show lead with? THE ONE YOU WERE JUST WATCHING. The only athletic event in this solar system you do NOT need to see recapped is the one they lead with and devote an entire commercial-to-commercial segment to.

That would be like you and I attending a party and on the way home I was telling you all about the party, how fun it was, who all was there, the funny things that happened, who did what, how much you would have enjoyed it, etc. Eventually you'd cut me off and say "No shit! I was there you, f*&%ing boob!!!" And you'd be right, and I'd be a f*&%ing boob if I did that.

I promise that if this ever makes sense to me, I will not reproduce and subject you to my offspring.

The Final Portion- My solution.

Restructure the panel so it follows the Baseball Tonight formula: Host/moderator + one or two athletes + one journalist. If you must have a correspondent, make them a journalist with a personality, or an ex-athlete that is intelligent.

Scrap the predictions, fantasy league updates, intermittent sketch comedy, Price-Is-Right-esque segments, and acting out plays in real life. With your new found time either make the show shorter, or provide some actual insight that maybe the non-expert viewer at home did not already know. Then at halftime show more highlights of other games and don't even mention the one we just watched. Think more Wilbon/Kornheiser, less Jack Black.

I didn't have a good place to work this joke in, so I'll just leave with it. On Monday Night Countdown on ESPN Tom Jackson said he finally started drinking the Brett Favre Kool-Aid. I think the tap for that keg can be found inside Chris Berman's pants. Hi-ooooo.

Lovechild Investigation 5.0

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Jessica Simpson + Marissa Miller = Erin Andrews. Is it a super obvious match? Eh, that's debatable. But is viewing and deciding a waste of time? No it is not.


















See Also: LoveChildInvestigation 4.0: Scarlett Johansson + Nicole Scherzinger = Kim Kardashian

Lovechild Investigation 4.0

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

The Pussycat Dolls' Nicole Scherzinger + Scarlett Johansson = Kim Kardashian























(eyebrow thickness is a recessive gene)


See Also: LoveChildInvestigation: Jessica Simpson + Marissa Miller = Erin Andrews

Alec Baldwin's Voicemail to the Chicago Cubs

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


As many of you know, I recently had a creative collaboration with Alec Baldwin. Our agreement was that I would be the creative talent, and he would do basically everything else- production, distribution, etc. He also had the final directorial say.

My idea was to have Alec play me in the vignette, and call Cubs manager Lou Piniella to yell at him for the Cubs' recent poor performance. But in an attempt to avoid this tongue-lashing, Lou would then avoid my call, which would lead to "me" (i.e. Alec) leaving a vitriolic tirade of a voice mail about how their crappy play was starting to really piss me off.

I thought that idea was pretty good, but Alec had other ideas. Being a guy with a flair for the dramatic, he wanted to make this more of an allegorical saga; he wanted it to be about a father disappointed with his daughter. My disappointment with the Cubs would be symbolized by the father's disappointment with the daughter. I felt that was a little over the top, but he insisted that this allegory would ultimately make for a more heartfelt catharsis.

As you can see, we came to an impasse. And being that he had all the leverage, he got his way.
So in the embedded window below is the audio of Alec's finalized vision. Below that window is my original transcript and you may follow along as you listen and observe the alterations that Alec made to the text.






-At T.R.'s Apartment. It's messy with Cubs magazines scattered across the floor, and empty Old Style cans. The Cubs game is on the TV in the background. It's apparent T.R. has been crying.-


Alec: (Stern, Aggressive, Forthright, Fed up) "Hey I wanna tell you something, ok? And I want to leave a message for you right now. 'Cause again, it's 10:30 here in Chicago on a Friday, and once again I've made an ass of myself staying in on a Friday to watch your game at a specific time. When the time comes for me to watch the game, I stop whatever I'm doing and I go and watch that game at 11 o'clock in the morning in Chicago time, and if you don't pick up the phone at 10 o'clock at night. And you don't even have the goddamn phone turned on. I want you to know something, OK?

I'm tired of playing this game with you. I'm leaving this message with you to tell you, you have insulted me for the last time. You have insulted me. You don't have the brains or the decency as a human being. I don't give a damn that you're 64 years old, or 65 years old, or that you've won a World Series with the Reds, or that your mother is a thoughtless pain in the ass who doesn't care about teaching you when to pull a tiring pitcher, as far as I'm concerned. You have humiliated me for the last time with this ball team.

And when I come out there next week, I'm going to walk up to Wrigley for the day just to straighten you out on this issue. I'm going to let you know just how disappointed in you I am and how angry I am with you that you've done this to me again. You've made me feel like shit and you've made me feel like a fool over and over and over again. And this crap you pull on me with this goddamn Soriano leadoff situation that you would never dream of doing to your fans when you were with Tampa Bay, or Seattle or Cincinnati, and you do it to me constantly and over and over again. I am going to get on Clark St. and I am going to come out there for the day and I am going to straighten your ass out when I see you.

Do you understand me? I'm going to really make sure you get it. Then I'm going to get on Clark St. and I'm going to turn around and come home. So you'd better be ready Friday the 20th to meet with me. So I'm going to let you know just how I feel about what a rude little pig you really are. You are a rude, thoughtless little pig, OK?"

[fade to black]

[End]

First Annual Awesomey Awards

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Recently I've been inspired by the wealth of awesomeness in our Pop Cultureosphere. Being a big believer in giving credit where and when credit is due, I'd like to hand out a few awards for achievement in awesomeness.

The Award for The Punk Musician that Most Emodies EVERYTHING That Punk's Founding Fathers Had in Mind: Avril Lavigne.

The Awesomey Award for Coolest Dude Possible: Jason Mraz

The Awesomey for Music Legend Who is Totally Still Pushing the Envelope, and REALLY Pissing off the Establish and Hasn't Lost her Edge Whatsoever: Madonna. -Who else would think to liken a Republican leader to Hitler? That is not vapid hyperbole. It's MegaGenius. Not to mention shocking. The only opinions that matter to me regarding American Politics are those of Khabbalists that live in England.

The Awesomey for Person who will Definitely be not Only Famous in 35 Years but a Business Titan as Well: That smiley blond poontang dude from the Hills. Total visionary.


(I'll forego the intros now and just get to the category and this year's Awesomey winner)

Three Chicks who I am Most Certain Have not had Lip-Injections: Melanie Griffith, Heidi Fleiss and Melissa Rivers.

Best Movie Actor: Nicholas Cage. -This win ends Josh Hartnett's impressive 4 year run in this category. You'll recall that Josh ended Matthew McConaghey's 9 year-run.

Guy who Assembles the Best Bands: Puff Daddy.

Best Combination of Talent and Natural Boobies: Brooke Hogan.

Best Collection of Dancers Under one Roof: The Republican National Convention

Currently Running Show That Never got Less Cool: Entourage

Musician That When I Hear his Name I Instantly Think "Musician", and not "Fame-Whore D-Bag, Who Doesn't Have Song This Decade I Can Name": John Mayer. A Musician's musician. I refuse to take seriously any straight male musician who hasn't made out with Perez Hilton.

Most Expressive Face: Meg Ryan. Better luck next year to the other nominees: Cindy McCain, Theresa Heinz-Kerry, Melanie Griffith, Nicole Kidman, Joan Rivers, Melissa Rivers, Priscilla Pressley, Lara Flynn Boyle, Janice Dickinson, and Axl Rose.

Smoothest Transition From Child Actor to Adult Actor: Corey Haim

Most Believable Person who Denies Ass Implants: Kim Kardashian.

Most Likely to Turn Down Appearances in a "Celebrity" Reality Show: Vincent Pastore and Screech.

Chick I've Never Question What All the Buzz was About: Jennifer Garner.

Sexiest and Most Functional New Fashion Trend: Chicks wearing summer scarves

Dude I've Never Questioned What All The Buzz was About: Zach Braff. (this also ends Josh Hartnett's 4 year win-streak in this category as well, who ended Drew Carey's 2-year reign.)

Reality Show Participant Who I've Grown to Respect and Admire as a Result of Seeing More of him: Hulk Hogan.

Actor Who Truly Resents Their Fame and Cares Only About the Craft of Acting: Lindsay Lohan. Better luck next year to: Hayden Panatierre, Josh Hartnett, Adrien Grenier, Wilmer Valderama, Jessica Simpson, Vivica A. Fox, Ashton Kutcher, Owen Wilson, Tara Reid, and Mischa Barton.

Guaranteed Future Oscar Winner: New York from Flavor Flav's show.

Athelete Most Antithetical to the Word "Goober": Eli Manning.

Two Guys I Most Wish Had a Megaphone: Chris Matthews and That English Chef whose hair is always in his face that yells at everyone, Gordon Ramsey. Those two are simply not loud enough for my liking.

Most Cutting-Edge User of Slang, who I try to Imitate and Whose Autobiography I am DYING to Read: Randy Jackson.

Sexiest Boob-to-Arm-Fat Ratio: Rachel Ray

Least Predictible Political Pundits: Rachel Maddow, Keith Olberman and Bill O'Reilly.

Most Originally Mystique-laden Person who Doesn't Even Have to try to Achieve his Awesome Level of Mysterious Awesomeness: Chriss Angel. Congratulations on your effortless achievements. No one at all thinks you try way too hard. No seriously.

Achievement in Journalistic Integrity: Erin Andrew's Breasts and Buttocks.

Chicks who Got Exponentially Hotter After They got Married: Catherine Zeta-Jones and Katie Holmes.

Guy Who I Wished Wore More Accessories: Johnny Depp. When a Fedora, multiple rings, painted fingernails, glasses, a scarf, necklaces and tattoos aren't enough, what do you do? Go with a leather wrist thingy. Works every time.

Actor Least Likely to Scream in a Movie: Al Pacino

Person who Most Needs to Stop Blogging and Share More of Himself with the Public who Totally Demands to see and Hear MUCH More of him: Perez Hilton.

TV Dad Whose Indoor Sunglasses Wearing I Most Undertand: Bill Cosby.

Hip Hop Leftovers I Wish Would Talk More About Themselves: Puff Daddy and Ice-T.

Most Happy-Go-Lucky SNL Alum: Chevy Chase.

The Show I Wish Comedy Central Would Show More Often: Scrubs.

Most Handsome Woman: Rosie O'Donnell.

The Viewers Choice Award, decided on by you, the fans: If you Could Change One Thing About The Movie Business it Would Be.......and you said: More remakes of classic movies!

The Actor who Takes on the Most Challenging Roles That are a Complete Departure From Himself in Real Life, and Really Mixes up his Roles: Michael Douglas.

The Actress Takes on the Most Challenging Roles That are a Complete Departure From Herself in Real Life, and Really Mixes up her Roles: Cameron Diaz.

Least Likely to Purse her Lips and Blush During her Role in a Movie: Oh wow, we have a tie.... Julia Roberts and Gwyneth Paltrow!

Fat Fall Friday

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Republican and Democratic Theme Songs

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


After watching both party's conventions, I think I can sum up their sentiments in the words of others.

Obama is called a dreamer both admirably and pejoratively. So I think John Lennon's Imagine is a good fit.





After hearing the speeches at the RNC, I think this song from South Park best sums up their platform:

Lookalikes 9.0

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Fred Thompson and a Chinese Shar-Pei. Plus they could totally go on a double date with the couple in version 8.0.























More WhereAwesomeHappens Lookalikes:


David Wright and Steve Eigenberg

Jane Velez Mitchell and Adam Rich

Amy Poehler and Cindy McCain

Louis CK and Jim Cramer

Stephen Colbert and Jamie Gold

Dana Bash and an Afghan Dog

Brandon DiCamillo and Paul Scheer

Bristol Palin and Shawn Johnson

15 Things I Never Want to see Again on Television

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

1. A recap of MTV video/movie awards show's most outrageous moments

2. American Idol. Why would I watch karaoke sung by 17 year old chicks and gay dudes? I think for a generation of young, gay males auditioning for American Idol is like the primer for coming out of the closet. It's a foolproof plan- If your parents suspected you were gay before, then your audition confirmed it. And if they never thought you might be gay, this plants the seed in their head and really softens the blow for if/when you do come out.

3. Any reality show where a camera crew follows around people who are neither famous, nor have an interesting job, and just watches them live their lives.

4. CNBC doing any more prison documentaries.

5. Any show on CNN, CNBC, MSNBC, or any ESPN show with more than two panelists/talking heads on the screen at one time. Especially when there are like four of them, all in different cities, but they manage to scream at one another thanks to the magic of television.

6.That guy who does the commericals for OxyClean. When will he finally scream for Grecian 5? It's pretty obvious he uses a lot of it. It just seems like such an obvious match that you get the feeling it's gonna happen.

7. Puffy Daddy starting a sentence with "Imma type-a guy that..", "I don't know about y'all, but I..." or any sentence starting with "I..." or any sentence where he talks about himself. I guess my point is, I don't want to see Puff Daddy again ever.

8. Hollywood Countdowns- like Hollywood's Hottest Body, or Hottest Hottie Over 40, or Hollywood's Hottest Bad Boys. Classy concept, guys- judge people's superficial qualities and then rank them, despite the subjects of the judging never consenting to being judged. Then make a show of that judging and target that show toward adolescents. Aren't these same media outlets that feign outrage when young girls are dressing too sexy? Then they pretend to be responsible and act shocked when young actresses and musicians have eating disorders or get plastic surgery. Then they rank who looks the most anorexic.

9. A countdown of the most outrageously shocking reality TV moments.

10. SportsCenter leading their newscast with a news story instead of showing sports highlights from that day. Permit me an example, "Cubs and Cardinals played earlier today, but first- we recap the status of Jorge Posada's possible surgery, cuz he's in the AL East. Then after that- how Theo Epstein's Autistic Uncle may or may not have made him who he is today. Afterward, Pedro Gomez, Barry Bonds, Bretty Favre, Chris Berman, Derek Jeter, T.O., Tiger Woods and Peyton Manning will all engage in a man daisy-chain. After a short commercial break, we'll hear Linda Cohn's opinion of those high school softball chicks that carried that other chick around the bases, then we'll have a pencil-neck nutsack give you a heads-up on what to look for in your 2014 Fantasy NFL Draft- in case the other guys in your fantasy league never watch ESPN. After a brief commerical break we'll preview the 2008 Winter X-Games with a highlight montage set to death-metal that no one listens to but whose label's parent company is the same as our own. After that we'll get our PTI guys (i.e. Wilbon + anyone that isn't Kornheiser) to break something down, followed shortly by Bob Ley taking the fun out of sports- this time talking about what the sacrifice bunt says about American Life post-WWI. Then we'll kick it to commerical...but when we come back...Stephen A.Hole Smith will shout unintelligably, then a few thoughts with Trey Wingo about the AFL and Poker. Then right after that- we'll get to those highlights from an extra-innings Cubs/Cardinals game. It was an amazing finish that you won't want to miss."

11. Golf on more than one channel at the same time. That includes the Golf Channel.

12. Local news giving you "World News in a Minute" Ya know what? How about goddamn "weather in a minute", and world news for 15 minutes?

13. Any reality show featuring anyone who currently lives in Los Angeles. Let me guess- all the women have had plastic surgery and are uneducated and shallow. The guys in that show are >85% gay and wear v-neck t-shirts comeplete with graffitti/tribal designs. We get it. Trust me. We get it. We also get that, even though the people on the show have had only 9 years of formal education they feel that somehow they understand the world in ways we never will. We have heard you loud and clear, now please stop doing television.

14. Next-Time-Won't-You-Sing-With-Me List Celebrity's Cribs. You won some dirt bike competition in 2003. I don't care what you've been up to or what's in your refrigerator.

15. Any court/judge show. Is this some kind of a joke that I'm not in on? Are those actual judges? These judges are the guardians of our liberty? Didn't America used to be ashamed of it's biggest losers and not shove television cameras in their face? When did this all change?

Love Child Investigation- Politcal Edition

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Please note that if a videotape of this conception is ever leaked, I would not be interested in watching it.....Same goes for the video of the birth.

Former Chief of Homeland Security Tom Ridge + Former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan = a young (Chicago) Mayor, Richard M. Daley. The proof?



+











Begat:

A Bit Advice for Around the Watercooler

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


With the US Open's Semi-Finals upon us, I thought I'd pass along a little wisdom. If you're going to talk to someone about this round of the tournament make sure you tell them that you watched, "..the Men's Semi-Finals", or "The U.S. Open". If you're overheard telling someone, "Last night I watched the men's semis for a really long time. I was totally....engrossed." That can be taken out of context- and that's how rumors get started.

NOTE: This advice is especially pertinent during the semi-finals of the Little League World Series.

My Andy Rooney Moment

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


It isn't that I'm complaining about this, but I did just notice it. Does it seem like there a LOT more bottled-drink options in convenient stores/gas stations than there were a decade ago?

It used to be that the only options were sodas, V8, Yoo-Hoo, varied fruit juices, 3 flavors of Gatorade (Green, Red and Orange) and Evian water. Now Gatorade has like 9 different flavors in the color blue alone- Frost, Mist, etc. There are like 8 different kinds of water, energy drinks galore, vitamin waters, all kinds of iced-teas, all those V8 Twisters, and Starbucks Fraps and espressos.

The four biggest losers in this phennomenon? People who make a living selling slim-waisted pants, and Mr. Pibb, Tab, and RC Cola.

Weng Weng Wednesday

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I am not sure if this clip is from a movie, or if this is an actual fight filmed on a surveillance video. It is extremely realistic. If it is acted it is very, very convincing. My guess is that it's real.





My favorite part is at the :30 mark when our hero is working over some guy (while he's in a crouched position), and the guy spontaneously covers his junk mid-fight. Then a second later, Weng Weng kicks him in his freshly-covered junk. Almost like it was rehearsed. But it wasn't.

Lookalikes 8.0

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

This one is super-mean, and I don't feel great about posting it. But it is funny. It isn't that CNN's Dana Bash looks like a dog, it's just that she has elongated facial features, and has that in common with Afghan dogs, who also have elongated facial features.

Since I feel sorta bad about the posting, I'll say something nice about her. She's a very good journalist and does a good job of reporting just the facts and not her interpretation of them. And it isn't like she posed for this picture, either. Lastly, she's at least pretty svelte, otherwise she wouldn't have elongated facial features. *Deep Breath* after saying something positive I feel better about my previous Dana Bash-ing. Hello-ooo!

Cheering For Laundry with Socrates

By: T.R. Slyder (TRSlyder@yahoo.com)

Cheering for any professional sports team is an odd phenomenon. The appreciation for the sport isn't weird, but loyalty for one team is a bit weird. It becomes difficult to pin down what it is specifically you are cheering for.

Take my favorite team for instance. The Chicago Cubs. If I were asked what I like about them I might say "Everything, really. I like the players, their manager, Wrigley Field, Wrigleyville, their history, Ron Santo, their home uniforms are classic, I even like the name Cubs." But if you wanted to use the Socratic Method to get to the precise epicenter of what this Berkeleyian "Cubness" is that I am so fond of, I think that would be pretty difficult. A Socratic Dialogue would go something like this:

Socrates: So you mentioned that you like the Cubs players.

T.R.: Yes, I did.

Socrates: And you profess to hate the Cardinals of St. Louis, I hear.

T.R.: Yes, very much so, Socrates.

Socrates: What if the Cubs and Cardinals enacted a trade where the Cubs sent every single one of their players to the Cardinals in exchange for every single one of the Cardinals players. A team-for-team trade as it were, mangers and coaches as well. Surely your allegiance would shift and you would be a Cardinals fan then, right?

T.R.: No way. I would still be a Cubs fan, and all the guys that used to be Cardinals are now Cubs. So I would cheer for them, as difficult as that may be at first. Plus as I mentioned, I like more about the Cubs than just the players. Some people refer to this concept as "cheering for laundry", since I'm basically going to support anyone that wears the Cub uniform.

Socrates.: I see. Yes, you also mentioned your love of their venue and neighborhood. Imagine then, if shortly after the Cubs and Cardinals team-for-team trade commenced the Cubs owner announced some more news. Suppose they were to say that the Cubs are closing Wrigley Field because it was found to be in violation of a public safety code, due to its engineering unsoundness. The governmental powers-that-be were forced to close Wrigley Field and the team announced that as a result of Wrigley's irreparable unsoundness it would be moving to the suburb of Schaumburg . They would still be the Chicago Cubs, but would no longer play their home games in Wrigley Field, or in the area known as Wrigleyville. Would they cease to be your favorite team then?

T.R.: Wow, I don't even want to think about that. But yes they would still be my favorite team.

Socrates: Oh wow, I thought that might make you abandon them. Suppose then that the Cubs owner then said, "To celebrate our new beginning in Schaumburg we are going to change our home uniforms to hot pink, and our road uniforms will be plaid". Surely, this departure would be too much for you and you'd find a new favorite team.

T.R.: You are a sick man, Socrates. A sick, SICK, man. You are wrong on many levels- and one of things you're wrong about is me abandoning them. I'd root for pink or plaid Chicago Cubs. I really can't fathom them changing uniforms like that, but for the sake of the argument, I will concede that I would still support them.

Socrates: I will concede in kind that it is unlikely. But maybe Macy's will buy the Cubs. After taking over Marhsall Field's, they set their sites on an even larger Chicago jewel- the Cubs. In the effort of promoting their wares, they instituted the plaid to focus on the team's fashionable ownership. When this decision generated so much poor publicity, they announced the pink uniforms in an effort to heighten awareness for breast cancer and 15% of the sales from replica pink jerseys would be going to Breast Cancer research. Would you publicly object to the Cubs being the most visible opponent of Breast Cancer? The Chicago Cubs could go down in history as the team that defeated Breast Cancer.

T.R.: Wow, that's some moral hardball you're playing.

Socrates: Moral what?

T.R.: It's a baseball analogy. Anyway, if all of that happened I would still favor the Cubs, and be proud of them being at the vanguard of cancer research. Heck, I might even accuse my friend's favorite teams of being less moral than the Cubbies or even pro-cancer!

Socrates: Interesting indeed. So let's recap here- we know that you love the Cubs. There is no doubt about that. But what you do love about them isn't their players, manager, venue, or uniforms.

T.R.: Yeah, I guess I did say all of that.

Socrates: And you like the name- the Cubs?

T.R.: Yeah, it's unique. They're the only team I know of that's nickname is a dimunitive. They aren't The Bears, they're the baby bears, the Cubs. You don't see teams nicknamed puppies or kittens, or tadpoles, or ducklings. Plus a cub is tangible, it's a literal thing, unlike the Red Sox- "sox" isn't even a word. Or the Padres or Yankees, or the Miami Heat. A nickname ought to have a tangible instantiation.

Socrates: Glad to see such a young, handsome man like yourself has given it some thought. Now indulge me this silly idea. Suppose a small business owner came forward with his powerful attorney and said that his great-great grandfather was a candy maker.

T.R.: Um, ok.

Socrates: His grandfater made several very popular varieties of candy in the late 1890's, his best selling candy was the predecesser to what we now call Gummi Bears. He called them "Chicago Cubs", but more importantly- he had the legal naming rights to that name. This man's great-great Grandson and his attorney are now demanding that the Chicago Cubs baseball team change their name, as they are planning to reintroduce their line of candy in 2009.

T.R.: You're really reaching here...

Socrates: Easy now, my strapping young lad... Did this not happen to the WWE? You recall it was once the WWF- World Wrestling Federation, until it was sued by the Word Wildlife Fund. Even though it was a billion-dollar titan of the entertainment industry, the (now) WWE had to change. Surely you must concede it is at least possible that this could happen to the Cubs.

T.R.: I guess it is possible, yes.

Socrates: So if they changed their names to the Chicago Women, wore pink uniforms, played in Schaumburg, and fielded a team full of men that just yesterday played for the St. Louis Cardinals, they would still be your favorite team?

T.R.: Are you trying to make me vomit?? *Sigh* Yeah, I guess so.

Socrates: I see. This is truly a bizarre loyalty you posses, Mr. Slyder. Now you also expressed a fondness for their history- citing Ron Santo.

T.R.: Yes.

Socrates: And you feel that Ron Santo embodies "Cubness", whatever that is?

T.R.: Absolutely. Unquestionably. He's the Alpha Cub.

Socrates: And Ron Santo, at least on occasion, is willing to drink alcoholic beverages- is he not?

T.R.: Not to a problematic extent or anything, but I have heard that he does drink, yes.

Socrates: Very well. Suppose then, my ruggedly handsome young friend, that you and Mr. Santo were drinking together in Wrigleyville during the offseason. Being a beloved Cub great, people kept sending drinks over to your table. You and Ron were having a great time, and gladly accepted all these drinks and graciously drank them down as to not offend Ron's admirers. The two of you are telling funny stories about yourselves and even admitting a few things you probably never would have if you were not drinking. After a few hours of this you found yourselves to be very drunk. Like bleary eyed, stammering, bad breath, closing-one-eye-to focus-drunk, what's the word for it when you're that drunk?
T.R.: Stinko.

Socrates: Yes! Thank you. You and Ron were stinko. Then, for the sake of our story, Ron announces that he needs to make a visit to the restroom. After he excuses himself, you realize that you need to make a stop as well. When you walk in, about 20 seconds after Ron, you see he is the only one using the restroom and he's standing in front of a urinal. He's so drunk that as he is using the urinal has his pants around his ankles, but still wearing his underwear. But these aren't just whitey tighties. They are St. Louis Cardinals underwear. And appear to be a large size version of women's underwear. Your Cub hero is wearing St. Louis Cardinals women's underwear. (NOTE TO READER: I was going to use my Cub hero's name in that sentence. But I didn't want a Google search of his name + "wearing St. Louis Cardinals Women's Underwear" to produce any hits). You express your shock, horror and disdain for his choice of attire, and he turns his head and casually says "Oh, these? Yeah. I wear them all the time. The pink one is in the wash. I have actually loved the Cardinals all these years and sercretly hate the Cubs with a passion so intense...."

T.R.: EW! NO. No. No. No. That's the dumbest crap I have EVER heard. I've never even accidentally THOUGHT anything so stupid, much less heard anything so stupid. That is not possible and you know that.

Socrates: Ha ha, yeah I know. I'm surprised you let me get that far. I kept waiting for you to cut me off, I actually didn't know what I was going to say next if you hadn't cut me off just then. Man, you should have see your young handsome face when I said "women's underwear".

T.R.: God, you're sick.

Socrates: Anyway. So I suppose Santo is inextricably linked with the Cubs. Even I cannot deny that. But let me ask you this- Suppose the Cubs were purchased by Art Modell, or the guy that owns the Oklahoma City SuperSonics or whatever they will later be called. They then decide to move the team out the Chicago suburbs to Las Vegas in an effort to maximize profits. They then became the Las Vegas Women. Would you still like the C....

T.R.: No. Moving out of the city would be too much. They wouldn't be the same team then.

Socrates: So that is the rub then. You like them because they are Chicago's team.

T.R.: I guess so. But we also have the White Sox. I'm not sure if the White Sox would be my team if the Cubs left town.

Socrates: What if the White Sox decided to legally become the Chicago Cubs, and completely did away with themselves as the White Sox?

T.R.: Would they play in Wrigley?

Socrates: Nope, it's still shut down due to health codes. They're still at US Cellular Field. They would just be the Cubs now, and even have their back-to-back championship trophies from 1907 and 1908. Oh, and they would be in the American League Central. But, they would be the Chicago Cubs.

T.R.: *sigh* You drive a hard bargain, but yes.

Socrates: Ah. So it seems that you have told me that the players do not affect your team loyalty, nor does the coach. The venue, uniforms and team name are also immaterial.

T.R.: Yeah, I guess I did say all of those things.

Socrates: So we now know what is not essential to a fan's loyalty. And what is completely vital appears to be only that they are the team that is the current representative for the team that used to be the Chicago Cubs and they must still play in Chicago (or a suburb), regardless of- their name, their colors, their members, or where their stadium is, but if they have the legal rights to Cubs history, you're ok with them.

T.R.: Odd, but yeah. I guess I don't disagree with that.

Socrates: In other words, all that matters is, 1) They represent the Cubs in some fashion which represents the original Chicago Cubs, and 2) They are in Chicago, and 2B) aren't the Chicago White Sox.

T.R.: Again...yeah, I mean...I never would have thought about things this in-depth, but you are correct again.

Socrates: Ok. So we agree what is important to you is that the Cubs history is somehow maintained, and that the team that maintains their history plays in Chicago?

T.R.: Well, yeah, I guess that's all I really need.

Socrates: So history and Chicago-ness comprise "Cubness" then?

T.R.: I'd agree with that.

Socrates: I never understood sports at all, much less fan loyalty. It is a truly irrational passion you have, my boy, but I am glad we have settled this today. 

Lookalikes 7.0

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Poker Player Jamie Gold and Stephen Colbert. Seriously, they are different people. I promise.























More WhereAwesomeHappens Lookalikes:

David Wright and Steve Eigenberg

Jane Velez Mitchell and Adam Rich

Amy Poehler and Cindy McCain

Louis CK and Jim Cramer

Two Teams I Hope Chad Johnson Gets Traded to

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson Ocho Cinco announced recently that he legally changed his last name from Johnson to Ocho Cinco. This was done of course because he wears number 85. As stupid as this is, I'd feel much better about it if he would have changed his name to the spanish word for "Eighty-five" and not "Eight five", which is what Ocho Cinco translates to. Plus Chad Ochentaycinco sounds much cooler, anyway. Lots more mystique.

What's even stupider than changing his name to Eight Five is that he demanded a trade in the offseason. So he pisses off his entire front office, and demands to leave town- then he changes his last name to match his number. That got me wondering if any teams had retired the #85 and how funny it would be if he actually were traded one of them, where he'd be inelligible to wear the number of his new last name that he just changed to (approximately) match his jersey number. So I checked it out and found that two teams have retired that number: The Lions (Chuck Hughes) and the Rams (Jack Youngblood).

If you complain about wanting to be traded, then you're stupid enough to change your name to match your number, you deserve to get traded to a team where you can't have your number last name.



other football article(s) on this site: Steroids Related Injury for Shawne Merriman