Plea to Techies

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Can someone please do a mashup of the Perez Hilton video, the TMZ video of him getting clocked "in the eye" (i.e. back of the head) and the 'Don't Taze me Bro' video?

That video would kick rear.

Thanks.

P.S. Two more thoughts about that hilarious altercation- 1) has Perez never heard the phrase "fighting words"? That's kinda how they got their name, and the word he used, along with the P-word, are the two most effective fighting words.

2) What if Will.I.Am's manager and alleged assaulter hit Hilton only to defend the honor of gays? Maybe he has gay friends or relatives and took exception, on their behalf, when Hilton called him those names. Wouldn't that be ironic?

Is Twitter Creating a new Level of Celebrity?

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

People love ranking and categorizing level of celebrities. A-list, B-list, television star, movie star, leading man, a star but can't open a movie, reality-show star, oscar winner, etc.

It seems like the current caste system has an A-list, B-List, D-List and also "reality star" for the likes of Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian and Clay Aiken.

I think there is a new caste level that ranks somewhere between "reality star" and "B-list" and it's "Twitter-List".

Whenever you hear about a celebrity Tweet it's never a major star like Jay-Z or Leonard DiCaprio or Michael Jordan. It's Ashton Kutcher, Perez Hilton, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Jeremy Piven or John Mayer. Basically they are celebrities that want to increase their celebrity status from their sofa- making sure to keep their name out there without actually doing anything. I think there's a high correlation between celebrity tweet output and liklihood of calling the papparazzi to alert them of where they'll be in 20 minutes.

Wanting to stay famous or in the news is understandable, but using Twitter to do so strikes me as self-defeating.

More Compelling Evidence of ESPN's Suckitude: Kenny Mayne is now the Mikey Teutul of ESPN

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I don't know why I still go to ESPN.com.

Last week on the site they were "promoting" how Kenny Mayne wouldn't shut up in some talking heads/argumentative segment with the cartoonish Scoop Jackson as though it were something to be proud of now. Now the big banner headline at ESPN.com is how Kenny Maybe is switching places with Colin Cowherd for a day and Kenny vows some sort of revenge for something.

It seems like ESPN has been relegating Kenny to the wacky side-stage for a few years now. The only thing they seem to let him do is host horse racing which 1) he does pretty well actually, but, 2) they cover horse racing about thrice a year. So the only time Kenny is allowed to do something is when it's wacky and completely unimportant. To break up the serious monotony of 4 hours of pre-game coverage, Kenny will stage an scripted "interview" with a few players and hilarity will ensue it's lame. Such sideshow relegation reminds me of when Lisa Simpson was elected president and Bart, then a down-and-out lowlife was begging for a job in the administration so she created a position for him and appointed him Ambassador of Keeping it Real.

But it also dawned on me that Kenny is just like Mikey, the fat, long-haired brother from the Orange County Choppers guys- pretty much worthless but he's jovial, so they pay him to hang around and do his silly crap that no one in the viewing public actually cares about.

My final ESPN comparison is to MTV. You know how MTV loves promoting itself? They love counting down the Top 20 craziest MTV Video Awards moments, Top 20 Most Expensive Cribs, Top 20 Craziest Reality Show Moments (on MTV), etc.? That seems like what ESPN has been doing lately with Kenny. Does his predictably unpredictable wacky, zany shtick really deserve top billing on ESPN.com, or is that a little bit of unnecessary promotion for their Mikey-in-residence on a slow news day?

ESPN is already a sports TV monopoly, they don't have to rub it in with garbage like that.

I'm a John to an Attention Whore: Viewing the Perez Hilton Beatdown Through Chuck Klosterman's Glasses

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I'm only putting my one cent in here, and not two, really. But I still feel dirty for commenting on such an overblown story.

I'll get the superficial out of the way first: He was quoted as saying after being hit for the first time he thought his eye was going to fall out. And look at that horrifying gash to justify that fear! That's unforgivably wussy. That's the end of my superficiality.

The story reminds me of something written by one of the best American writers under the age of 40- Chuck Klosterman. In the January 2008 Esquire (it could have been the February, actually. The link to it is here.) In the article's second to last paragraph he writes...

It is impossible to deny that the culture is coarsening. Everyone concedes this -- even the people who are happy about it. It is now acceptable to say almost anything, about almost anyone, in a public space, and for no reason whatsoever. There is no line to step over, because such lines no longer exist. And I think those boundaries disappeared the moment people really, truly lost the fear of getting punched in the face. Americans have understood this intellectually for decades, but I don't think we accepted it in totality until now. Adults are now so insulated by technology (and so protected by modernity) that the possibility of a physical consequence for any action is a psychological nonfactor. We have removed interpersonal fear from day-to-day behavior. Today, boxers are the only people who get hit for fucking up.

I think Klosterman makes a great point- it's much easier to blog something rude about someone than it is to say it to their face. The reason? The likelihood of getting punched in the face.

Probably no one on the web has enjoyed the internet-insulation more than trash blogger Perez Hilton. Whether he's outing a fellow gay person, pointing and laughing at someone's drug addiction, or just berating someone in a mean-spirited fashion, Hilton seems to be the poster-child for Klosterman's theory.

Now we'll see if his writing is any different after getting punched in the face.

UPDATE: What I wrote above, the blurred lines betwixt reality (where you may get punched in the face) and the internet cushion (where you're safe from that happening) are illustrated hilariously, and accurately on this site which I copied and pasted below:

I don’t know if you knew this, but if you’re a guy, and you go out of your way to antagonize and provoke another guy, if you try to embarrass him in front of his friends and peers, if you call him the worst names you can think up, that may lead to a fight. Shocking, yes?

This is what happened last night after the Much Music Awards in Toronto, according to Perez Hilton after Will.I.Am allegedly punched him. The summary is from MTV.

“And that’s when I made the split-second decision that I was going to say what I thought was the worst possible thing that a thug would ever want to hear. … I told him, ‘And you know what, I don’t need to respect you … and you’re a f–. You’re gay and stop being such a f—-t.’ And I knew that was going to set him off, but I didn’t want to get into a fight with this person, so we leave. [He] followed me outside of the club … then his manager, Polo, whom I have met before, from behind, comes up to me, clocks me in the eye and punches me two or three times. I am in shock. I just did not know what to do.”

If this we’re a Hollywood movie, no one would ever believe it. But this amazing tale really happened! One guy provoked another guy and called him a fag and it led to a fight. What a shocking conclusion. If they made a TV show about this, they should call it “Shocking Conclusions”.

ESPN Again Proves That They Suck

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Today at the bottom of ESPN.com where they have all sorts of random links, I noticed they had one about horse racing.

I was momentarily heartened to see horse racing getting coverage on their website until I saw what it was about. Yesterday at Belmont Park a jockey was thrown off of his horse at the start of the race and the horse went on to "win" the race. Hilarious.

The video was borrowed from MSG Plus which is a NYC-based channel that televises the Mets games. Last I knew they didn't cover horse racing, but maybe they threw this clip in as a "bizarre sports news" entry. The only problem is that it isn't bizarre at all. When a jockey is thrown from a horse that horse goes on to "win" about half the time. Is it any surprise that jettisoning 112 pounds off its back may give a horse an advantage over others? Sure jockeys help some, but not enough counteract their 110-pounds of dead weight on the animal's back.

Worsening this moronic story is that MSG mispronounced the jockey's name. Twice. His name is French- Jean-Luc Samyn, pronounced "sa-meen", but the MSG commentator, unfamiliar with this 30-year veteran of racing, pronounced it "salmon". Twice.

However, MSG Plus did have the decency to add that "salmon" was not hurt in the fall- a courtesy that ESPN.com did not extend. All ESPN.com offered other than the video was this synopsis,

"After throwing off jockey Jean-Luc Samyn at the start, Phone Jazz went on to unofficially win the race at Belmont Park by seven lengths"

Classy. ESPN is the same network that went berserk after the death of Eight Belles at the 2008 KY Derby- criticizing her owner, trainer, breeder and anyone else they could find. It's the same network that reported incessantly about the well being of the late Derby winner Barbaro during his final weeks of his struggle with laminitis. Yet when a human falls from a horse and "bizarre" result ensues, ESPN.com can't find the time or page space to mention whether the jockey was injured or not.

Is Boycotting Hominy the New "Freedom Fries" in Iran? (Yes.)

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Now that Ayatollah Khamenei (pronounced: Ha meny) has taken the hard-lined fundamentalist stance against the people, and for, "The System", he has fallen out of favor with everyone not named Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Being that "Khamenei" is pronounced exactly like "Hominy", I'm anticipating a boycott of Hominy by progressive Iranians. I mean big. Like, maybe to the point where no one in Iran is eating the dried, alkili-soaked corn kernals with the hulls removed. Seriously. Can you imagine an Iran withOUT this Central American dietary staple? I can, but that's just because I'm really good at imagining, but I assume most people cannot. It's crazy. I know.

So if you are a futures trader and deal with hominy in Iran, I'd strongly recommend you taking a short position for all foreseeable deliveries.

Much like how during 9/11, it was the pinnacle of patriotism to call french fries, "Freedom fries", I think boycotting hominy will be viewed as similarly patriotic in Iran.

I Feel Obligated to Pass This Along

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

While researching my last posting I came across this picture and thought it was pretty righteous.



Are you thinking what I'm thinking? That the car above and the car in the video below need to conceive a child? Me too!

Offensive Math

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com






+









=


If you got that joke. You are a bigot.

The Silvio Berlusconi is Awesome Train is Still on the Tracks and Chugging Along

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

A high-end call-girl told investigators that she was paid to attend Berlusconi's parties. She also has photographs and video of her in his bedroom. The article can be seen here.

More I-Hate-American-Politics Stuff

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

After reading about Tom Daschle's conflict of interest in voting for nationalized health care, and how several congressmen voting against FDA regulation of tobacco were among Big Tobacco's leading donation recipients, I realized how much I hate our political model.

Why are corporate campaign donations legal? When companies spend money on corrupting public servants, but then layoff scores of workers to cut costs, something sucks.

How are corporate campaign donations still legal? Oh right. Lazy, corrupted officials are the majority, and they won't vote against them for fear of having to actually hit the streets and campaigning for private donations.

Looking Good, Chris Berman

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

You haven't lived until you've had not-your-wife sitting on your lap with 4 of her closest not-free friends with her. The only way that could possibly be better would be having a little Cambodian boy croon while you're at it.

If you should ever achieve that just sit back, and think, "I've finally made it- as an obese, alcoholic caricature of myself."

New Link Update

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I added a new link in the margin. It's for Micro Wrestling. It's a traveling troupe of little person wrestlers. They're at Joe's on Weed St. (in Chiacgo) tonight. HIGHLY recommended. To see if they're coming to your town check the link and pray to sweet, sweet Jesus. Trust me.

Mayor of Toledo Breaks up a Fight, Calls kid "Fatso" and "Tubby"

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Unfortunately this video is interspersed with commentary from a guy who feels important. But the rest of the video is still cool.




The mayor also got me thinking about the word "fatso". It's kinda been replaced by "fat ass", which is unfortunate, kinda like how the word "porn" has replaced the word "porno". "Fatso" is a great a word, but now sounds like a word from the 1950's or something. Same with "Tubby"- such an under-utilized putdown. It's nice to see a mayor in Ohio still has them in his verbal repertoire. Gotta love those midwestern sensibilities.

My Calling in Life

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Is to be the world's first nude auctioneer. Some of you sing in the shower, I auctioneer in the shower.

Lookalikes 23.0- Eric Holder and Stedman Graham

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

It's true. The Attorney General of the United States looks like Oprah's boyfriend. The hairline and 'stache stylings vary a bit, but other than that, they're pretty similar.

Great Television for Stereotypers

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Since the Cubs and Sox got rained out tonight, I wasn't sure what to watch on television. After employing my 6th and 7th remote-handling senses, I landed on the FoodTV reality show/competition show called Chopped. I figured I'd at least watch the introduction of the four contestants. Glad I did.

Contestant #1 was kinda the straight man. He's what you'd expect on this show- a graduate of culinary school and is the head chef or something at a restaurant. No big surprises from him, but he seems like he'll be a solid contestant.

Contestant #2 is the opposite. He started his intro by saying that he doesn't have a fancy-pants culinary degree. But. But. But! He is from Queens, NY. He goes on to tell us that he's like the Rocky Balboa of this competition- sure he doesn't have the requisite tools to win, but he's "got the balls" as he says. It's not wholly unlike those Holiday Inn Express commercials-
"Are you a doctor?"
"No, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."
"Are you a trained chef?"
"No, but I'm from Queens, NY and I have an Uncle Frank accent"

Contestant #3 is also from NYC. She runs her own culinary school or academy, so she seems like a solid competitor. Then while the camera is on her during her little introduction I realize she does in fact have an oral cold sore. Now that's appetizing. Do you get a hairnet kinda thing for that? a Herp net?

Contest #4's name is Fritz and he's from Denmahk, jah. He's a chocolatier in Connecticut, but is also a trained chef. He instructs us that though he is a chocolatier, he's also a serious culinary competitor.

So the show has 4 contestants, and 3 rounds of cooking. The loser of each round is eliminated, with one winner left standing.

Round 1: So the competition begins and makes for underwhelming television. Captain Denmark tells us that he really needs to be creative and set himself apart from the rest (of these bland, boring Americans). The preferred vehicle for that creativity, to Fritz, was to make a bloody mary out of tomato juice, tequila, ginger ale and super salty sea beans.

Herp Sore mama dropped her tongs on the floor then picked them and kept using them, to the disgust of the judges.

After the judging of the first round- the creatively stupid Dane was voted off because his cocktail was unpalletable.

Round Two: Oh sweet Jewish Jesus. Herp mama had another sanitary infraction- this time with herp sore implications. She tasted her creation with a spoon (sticking into her herpmouth, obviously) and then proceeded to use the same spoon to cook with. Few things truly disgust me, and that did. And you damn well the judges can't say, "like I'm tasting mokfish with a herp garnish".

Rocky Queensboa made a dish that was sloppy and poorly presented. Thank god I was sitting down to witness that shocker. Rocky made like 11 more references to himself being the scrappy underdog, gritty, fighter, grinder, etc. It'd save me a lot more time if he just said, "I'm insecure and for good reason. My coping method of choice? NY-style Machismo."

the verdict: That cold sore was a Herp-binger of bad things to come. Hi-ooooo. Senority Simplex B got chopped. Sad because I was prepared to make a few more Herp lokes. Oh well.

This sets up a showdown betwixt the culinary Rocky and Ivan Drago. I just hope while preparing for the finals, Queensie Balboa doesn't train on the beach with Iron Chef Herp and share an awkward embrace in the ocean.

I've been sorta unfair to that guy, actually. He seems like a good guy who is trying his best. Makes for good television and you can tell that he cares.

Round 3: It's underway and I'm nervous! Well, not about the outcome, but that I won't have another reason to make a herpes joke. *fingers crossed*

Rocky is high-strung and lacks the patience to figure out how to use the kitchen machines/gadgets. Despite bragging about his NYC residency, he seems to be short-tempered. Huh.

Times up!

It seems like the producers led us to believe that Rocky took the safer way out, but it should be good, whereas contestant #1 went higher-risk, higher-reward. Rocky also alleged that contestant #1 cut one of the key ingredients in pieces that were too large to taste good. Anything is possible. Well, except for me not mentioning herpes again. Herpes.

The Tasting: Contestant #1's dish was tasted first. Not a homerun, but seemed to taste good, even if all of the pieces didn't blend harmoniously.

Rocky's was pretty decent apparently, but a bit uninspiring in presentation. The judges deliberation seemed to like Rocky's better- but the winner is based on all three dishes.

In the green-room while the contestants waited for the outcome, Rocky said yet again that he was "from the school of hard knocks" unlike his wussy opponent. I was as surprised as anyone.

The Verdict: Rocky won, oh wow. Good for him. I just REALLY want to hear, "Adrian!!!!!!!!"

He was gracious in his victory and he referred to his win as his "diploma". Can't hate the guy. Especially since he was kind enough to fit into a stereotype I have of New Yorkers.

This Shocked Me- Sammy Sosa Flunked a Steroids Test

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

First Clay Aiken was gay, then there were protests on the streets of Iran, and now Sammy tested positive for steroids in 2003?? This has been a WILD last 12 months.

Artie Lange Roman Helmeted Joe Buck Last Night

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

And I'm all for it. Not content to merely get a job because of his famous father, Joe Buck had to cash in more than he already has (calls two sports on Fox- and their championships, endorses Budweiser) and have his own talk show. Get rich, or get your card pulled tryin'.

You can check out a synopsis of the fallout at SI.com here, and see it here on HuffPo, and a clip of it on Deadspin.

The long and short of it is that Artie hijacked Buck's new show on HBO. Am I supposed to be surprised by this? Artie, an occasional vitriolic-spewing drunk, was booked as a guest on the very much pro-establishment Joe Buck's first show. Isn't that exactly why they booked Artie- to appeal to that demographic and put out the "No, I'm not overly pro-establishment. I can mix it up with recovering addicts and edgy guys too! Just watch!" vibe? So why the feigned disappointed from the Buck camp? Buck tried too hard too appeal to ALL demographics, and one of them pulled his card, and make him look like a cash-grabbing doofus.

Before Artie, Buck had a segment with Brett Favre, then did a piece with David Wright, then had a segment with Chad Ochocinco and Michael Irvin. So Buck was really shooting for every demographic here- the huge star in America's favorite sport, Favre- whom everyone knows and most of middle America loves. Then David Wright, who most New Yorkers love, especially single New York women. Then he had on two brothers' brothers- Irvin and Ochocinco. So Buck was really hitting on all demographic cylinders- Middle-America football fans, black football fans, East coasters, women, and baseball fans. For his next segment he had an SNL guy (Jason Sudekis, Paul Ruud and Artie- now he's going for the "dude" demographic- the Deadspin readers, the college dudes, the stoners, and people more interested in pop-culture than in sports. Sounds like Buck and his HBO handlers went a bridge too far with the last group of guests. This is what happens when you stretch yourself too thin and try to interview people from every single demographic, whether you connect with them or not. When you cannot, you look like a cash-grabbing doofus.

It's also worth mentioning that Sudekis and Ruud are exceptionally witty individuals- had they chose to come to the aid of Buck and get land a few jabs at Lange, I'm sure they could have done so with some degree of success. Instead, they laid back and watched it unfold. It's like when you were little and see you a schoolyard fight and you figure you should break it up, then one of the friends of a kid in the fight, holds you back and prevents you from breaking it up, so the fight can unfold organically. Sudekis and Ruud kind of held their arms out and made sure no one broke up the fight.

I'm glad it happened. After Joe Buck and Troy Aikman were named Fox's #1 football announcing tandem I remember Buck being on Leno or Conan and talking about how he's overexposed and how he knows people must be sick of him. He was 100% correct then, and I can't think of why he took the offer from HBO. Oh right, money. He does the World Series, Super Bowl, Fox Sunday Baseball, regular season football, and Budweiser commercials and now he needs a show?

Since Buck got t his card pulled while tryin' to get rich makes one of his beer commercials even funnier. Back when Buck was only a humble two-sport announcer and pitchman he did a commercial that effectively called out self-promoting, schtick-oriented announcers who try to cash in on their catch phrases. Now it appears he was hoisted by his own retard, or whatever the saying is.

"Why would I want to play down to the fans or do something that doesn't come naturally?", he asks in the commercial. You mean you "naturally" hang out with Artie Langue and Chad Ochocinco and Michael Irvin? And you "naturally" endorse Budweiser on your own, so you just figured you'd get paid to do it? Again Joe, the answer is money. You did it for the money, and you got your card pulled tryin'.

Where to Draw the Line Betwixt Funny and Un-funny?

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

If you think it's possible to read allegations of sexual harassment and find some of the alleged quotations of harassment funny, you may giggle while reading the article here.

If not, you're classier than I am. The guy who allegedly talked about his "hog" is at least innocent until proven guilty, anyway. So I think it's ok to snicker until he's found guilty.

Clothed Streaker Intterupts Nude Rugby Game

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

You heard it here third.