My $.11 on the Cubs

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter

I am still trying to wrap my head around the 2010 Cubs. How did someone in the front office think Cubs fans would accept this current team? How could they honestly expect us to care about them when their on the field talent is anything but reflective of the highest average price per ticket in MLB?

I wrote the other day about the lack of excitement on the Cubs roster, and I would like to revisit that in more depth. No one on the Cubs is A) young, and B) awesome. There are no players who you are POSITIVE have their best years ahead of them, there are no "The sky is the limit with this guy" type of players, nor are they any of baseball's most underrated players on the Cubs. While I am big fans of Derrek Lee and Aramis Ramirez, but at 34 and 31 years old (respectively) they are known entities for Cubs fans- good guys, and if they stay healthy have the chance to hit 40 home runs, drive in 120 runs play gold glove caliber defense and make an all-star team. But MVP candidates they are not. The 'staying healthy' part is a big "if", and frankly I have seen them before.

They aren't drawing me to Wrigley Field and I feel as though their best days may be behind them. So now that we have established who the stalwarts in the middle of the line up are, who else do they have? What kind of players would I like to see if I am going to pay $52.56, the cost of an average ticket at Wrigley (which is up 10% from 2009), or a Family Cost Index of $329.74- the price for taking a family of 4 to a game. I would like to see exciting players that might have a breakout 2010 year and cement their standing as a top tier player in the league, and for the team to collectively have success. So lets see what kind of entertainment our $329.74 can buy us.

Roster:

pitchers of note: Carlos Zambrano, Ryan Dempster, Randy Wells, Ted Lilly, Carlos Marmol
Starting infield: Lee, Ramirez, Ryan Theriot, Mike Fontenot, Geovanny Soto
Outfield: Kosuke Fukudome, Marlon Byrd, Alphonso Soriano

This is a team made up of "just beginning the downside of their career" guys. That is certainly true for every pitcher but Randy Wells, and frankly, true for all the infielders and outfielders, with the only possible exception of Soto (who could go on to be solid, or could be a rookie flash in the pan). Here is another way I could group those 12 guys with the exception of Wells.

Likely to have already peaked as a player: Soriano, Zambrano, Lee, Ramirez, Marmol, Lilly, Soto

Still too solid to knock, but I'm expecting a decline in performance: Lee, Ramirez

So I guess if you were gonna be awesome, you would have been awesome by now: Theriot, Fontenot, Fukudome


So that's what the most expensive ticket prices in the game get you.

Here is another way to look at it. Lets say a family lives in Fort Wayne, IN. (a three hour drive from Wrigley) and is deciding which team to see play this summer. Living in Fort Wayne, the Tigers, Reds, White Sox and Cubs are all about a 3 hour drive from home, so all options are on the table. The family would probably want good economic value for their outing and also a chance of seeing something historic. You want to see a future Hall of Famer early in his career before he was a megastar, or you want to see a starting pitcher take a no hitter into the 7th, or see him pitch the year he won the Cy Young, or the year the team won the pennant, a team needs that "wow" factor in order to put buns in the seats.

With that in mind lets look at the players around the league you would pay to watch. By that I mean someone you think, "Cool, we have tickets for the game tonight and it will be nice to see XXXX play in person." I will go team by team alphabetically.

Angels- Bobby Abreu, Torri Hunter, Hideki Matsui, Kendry Morales
Astros: Roy Oswalt, Carlos Lee, Lance Berkman
A's: None
Blue Jays: Ricky Romero, Vernon Wells
Braves: Jair Jurrjens, Derek Lowe, Martin Prado, Jason Heyward
Brewers: Prince Fielder, Ryan Braun
Cardinals: Chris Carpenter, Adam Wainwright, Yadier Molina, Albert Pujols, Matt Holiday, Mr. Hat
Cubs: Lee, Ramirez (though Ted Lilly was the only 2009 Cub All Star)
Diamondbacks: Brandon Webb, Justin Upton
Dodgers: Clayton Kershaw, Jonathon Broxton, Manny Ramirez, Blake/Eithier/Loney/Furcal
Giants: Matt Cain, Tim Lincecum, Bengie Molina, Pablo Sandoval
Indians: Fausto Carmona, Matt LaPorta, Grady Sizemore
Marlins: Josh Johnson, Jorge Cantu, Hanley Ramirez, Dan Uggla
Mariners: Ichiro, Felix Hernandez, Franklin Gutieriez
Mets: Frankie Rodriguez, Johan Santana, Jose Reyes, David Wright, Carlos Beltran, Jason Bay, Jeff Francoeur
Nationals: Stephen Strasburg (coming soon), Ryan Zimmerman, Adam Dunn
Orioles: Matt Wieters, Adam Jones
Padres: Adrien Gonzalez
Phillies: Roy Halladay, Cole Hamels, Brad Lidge, Jimmy Rollins, Ryan Howard, Chase Utley, Jayson Werth
Pirates: none
Rangers: Michael Young, Josh Hamilton, Vladimir Guerrero
Rays: Grant Balfour, David Price, Evan Longoria, Ben Zobrist, Carl Crawford, Carlos Pena, BJ Upton
Red Sox: Josh Beckett, Clay Buchholz, John Lackey, Jon Lester, Jonathan Papelbon, Victor Martinez, Dustin Pedroia, Jacoby Ellsbury, David Ortiz
Reds: Aroldis Chapman, Johnny Cueto, Aaron Harang, Edinson Volquez, Brandon Phillips, Joey Votto, Jay Bruce
Rockies: Ubaldo Jimenez, Todd Helton, Troy Tulowitzki, Dexter Fowler
Royals: Zach Greinke.
Tigers: Justin Verlander, Joel Zumaya, Miguel Cabrera, Brandon Inge, Johnny Damon, Magglio Ordonez
Twins: Francisco Liriano, Joe Nathan (currently out for the year), Justin Morneau, Joe Mauer, Denard Span, Delmon Young, Jim Thome
White Sox: Mark Buerhle, Bobby Jenks, Jake Peavy, Gordon Beckham, Paul Konerko, Alexei Ramirez, Omar Vizquel, Carlos Quentin
Yankees: CC Sabathia, Andy Petitte, Mariano Rivera, Robinson Cano, Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, Mark Teixeira, Curtis Granderson

To recap: I listed 125 players and 30 teams. Math tells us that that is an average of a little over 4 players per team. The Cubs, the most expensive team to watch, have half of the expected # of fun players to watch. That is a problem.

Why can't the Cubs be like the Rays, White Sox, Twins, Tigers, Cardinals, Phillies, Mets. Hell or even the Reds? At least they have an exciting young team with some talented pitching.

If the Cubs didn't have Wrigley Field why would anyone go to their games?

In a free market economy, the consumer votes with their dollars. You don't have write a letter to Cubs to complain like you might do with a politician, you simply stop giving them your money. Eventually they will get the hint and enact change. With the White Sox about 12 El stops south of Wrigley on the Red Line, I don't understand why someone would watch the Cubs instead of the White Sox, and I am a Cubs fan.

That's how I roll.

Ben Roethlisberger's Hairdon't

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter


Ben's haircut today at his press release is called, "The Guilty". I looked it up earlier.

Maybe its time to put a 'C.l.' with your 'a.s.s.'


update: NEVERMIND! It reminds me of The Tyler Benchfield mully. Undoubtedly you will remember him as the hunk with a heart of gold and a soft side for special needers in Life Goes On, or as you call it, "That show with Corky".




How bad of a guy can Ben be with that haircut? Look how happy Corky is in that picture!!





That's how I roll.

My Thoughts on Santonio Holmes

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter



















I wonder if someone with a hispanic accent ever said, "When I lived in Santonio, Holmes, I got raped by Priest, Holmes."







P.S. Ben Roethlisberger's hair style for his press conference on Monday is called, "The Guilty". I looked it up.




That's how I roll.

I Didn't Know This Song Existed

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter

I sorta did. I heard this remix in Booty Call during a club scene, but didn't know what the lyrics were. The important thing is that I now have a new excuse for every mistake I make:




Blame it on the Boogie!





That's how I roll.

Another Real Estate Shoutout

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter




photo courtesy of Cliff E. Muff. #3 on the Enola Gay Soccer Club, '94-'98. Founding member.

Snitches got stitches in this domicile.

Don't believe me? Ask Dickie $mall$ as pictured below. You will never believe it, but it was actually his idea to take this photograph. Who'da thunk it?













That's how I roll.

TR Slyder Stand-up: Tiger Woods Edition

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter


When a call-girl shows up at Tiger's hotel room, she arrives to see Tiger Woods. But when he leaves, he's more like Ickey Woods.

Don't forget to tip your waitress, thanks for coming and please drive safely.







I'm T.R. Slyder, and that's how you Tangueray.










That's how I roll.

Your 2010 Cubs (not mine)

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter

Question: Can you name the 0 teams who have more expensive ticket prices than the Cubs?

That is correct. The Cubs have the most expensive ticket prices in all of baseball. So what is General Manger Jim Hendry doing with all of that money? Let us take a look at the Cubs 2010 Roster.

The bottom line is that the Cubs roster is not a well-constructed one. When a teams' defense up the middle is catcher Koyie Hill, Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot at SS and 2B respectively, and Marlon Byrd in CF, someone screwed up. Do I blame Hill, Theriot, Fontenot and Byrd for not being awesome, or do I blame the GM who assembled this there-I-fixed-it team? I blame the GM.

After a cursory glance at the roster a few things jump out- the Cubs hallmark of a nauseous bullpen is still very much alive, a dearth of young talent, and a dearth of old talent, and somehow the names "Zambrano" and "Soriano" made their way onto the opening day lineup card.

We'll start with the paucity of young talent. The following are all of the Cubs players born after 1981:


Pitchers: Justin Berg, Esmailin Caridad, Tom Gorzelanny, Carlos Marmol, Sean Marshall, James Russell, Randy Wells.
Thrower: Jeff Samardzija
Catcher: Geovanny Soto
Infielders: none
Outfielders: Tyler Colvin


That is the exhaustive list of Cubs aged 28 or younger on the current Active Roster. Of that list, Randy Wells was the only player to have a respectable 2009 MLB season. *sigh* ok, because I am nice I will add Gorzelanny to that list too. Marmol's season was laughably terrible, same goes for Marshall. I could not in good conscience designate Jeff Samardzija as a "pitcher" on the list above, he is a thrower and will never be anything but. That being said, he totally sucked last year and has a 2010 ERA of 108.00. Moving on to infielders we find Geovanny Soto, who had such a horrendous sophomore slump that most people just assume he was taking performance enhancing drugs as a rookie (he was rookie of the year and legitimately outstanding) and obviously stopped before his second year. Did I mention he tested positive for marijuana before his sophomore season? He did.

So that is the Cubs "young talent".

As for their nauseous bullpen, I don't know what to tell you. Here is the exhaustive list of what can safely be called "reliable arms" in the bullpen. The list is as follows:_______. That was the list. Again, there is only so much bashing of the players I can do for not being great- the GM should have known that he was working with insufficient personnel and assembled a better pen. For Jim Hendry to think this bullpen is non-god-awful is a fire-able offense. It just is. When I think about the job he did in assembling the bullpen, all I can think of is the website I linked to above. It's like he just said, "Perfect. I have signed more than enough pitchers to field a roster of 12. I guess I am done with that now. Man, all that signing of no-talent pitchers sure makes me hungry for trans fatty acids."

As for the aforementioned "old talent", the Cubs have Carlos Zambrano, Alphonso Soriano, Derek Lee and Aramis Ramirez. I will lay off Lee and Ramirez, but Zambrano and Soriano might be the two most overpaid players in the NL Central. They were/are wildly talented and at times electrifying, but those times grow further and further apart, and when they are not electrifying us, they are playing miserably. Oh, and Soriano is just incapable of hitting good pitching. He unloads on mistake pitches (especially in his first at bat before a pitcher gets settled in, or against 4 and 5 starters). Guess how many crappy pitchers Soriano faces in the playoffs? 0. Guess how Soriano has done in the playoffs in a Cubs uniform? Anus-y.

Those two lazy headcases remind me of the axiom, "An error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it.". Sure their contracts are bad, and that was an error to sign them to those sums, but Piniella continuing to start Soriano and naming Z as the opening day starter, makes this error a mistake. With them getting playing time, Cubs fans are getting it from both ends.

So half of our most talented players, somehow manage to hurt the team. The other half are solid, but not great, perennial barely-missed-the-All Star-Game guys, but are getting older and have had difficulty staying healthy. The bottom line is that they need some support from the guys around them. Additionally, they are solid players but Superstars they are not. No one would ever say that the sky is the limit with them, or there is no telling how great of a year they could have if they stay healthy.

It isn't Lee or Ramirez's fault that they are no longer young or have the upside of Justin Upton, Ben Zobrist or Carl Crawford, but the Cubs have 0 exciting players. Across town, the White Sox have Alexei Ramirez, Gordon Beckham and Carlos Quentin which are all young, outstanding, exciting and no-ceiling talents. Even the lowly divisional foe, the Cincinnati Reds, who I am watching the Cubs play now, have Jay Bruce, Joey Votto and the always solid Brandon Phillips. Those guys are fun to watch and all have All Star potential. The only young Cub that could possibly elicit excitement from anyone is Tyler Colvin, and he has 26 career at bats.

So here is what the Cubs do NOT have: young talent, old talent, relief pitching, All Star shoe-ins, rational ticket prices, and a respectable GM, a chance of making the playoffs with anything resembling their current roster.

I'm already starting to get un-excited for 2011.







That's how I roll.

Yup I'll Do it

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter

After seeing Jeff Garlin do more PR crap for something or other the other day, it dawned on me that he will do anything to stay in the news. There are also some political versions of him. I decided to list the ones I could think of, please add more to the list in the comments section. I tend to watch more MSNBC than other news stations, so that explains why those on my political list are all left-leaning.

Yes I'll do it-
political- Ed Rendell, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, Alan Grayson, Ezra Klein, Richard Wolffe,

Entertainers- Steve Schiarippa, Paulie Walnuts, American Idol contestants (jennifer hudson included), Tom Arnold, Octomom, Jon and Kate, Black Eyed Peas, Aubrey O'Day, tila tequila, Jeff Garlin









That's how I roll.

Thanks for Coming Out, One Shining Moment

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter

Someone at CBS thought, "you know what I wanna change? The 64 team system. Oh. Also, I'd like to change One Shining Moment." That is as dumb as you can get.




Here is 1998's version sung by Luther Vandross with the proper instrumental set up.







That's how I roll.

not bad

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter





EMBED-Chick Blind Sided By Exercise Ball - Watch more free videos





That's how I roll.

Cubs 2010 Season Opener Recap In Pictures That are Not of the Game But Convey its Essence From The Cubs Perspective

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter


How do I feel about their performance today, and how do I feel for the season as a whole? Like doing the Cry and Wap (female version pictured below) thinking about what could have and should have been the past two seasons. It also makes me feel like they are family that continually lets you all down, but you rally behind anyway because you are used to it.





You gotta lotta nerve asking me about the Cubs this year.


(clearly it's a touch-y subject. HELLOOO)






That's how I roll.

Jon Scheyer in High School: 21 Points in 75 Seconds

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter

I wish this video were edited differently, but it makes Scheyer's feat no less impressive.







That's how I roll.

this will make you get up and dance in your underpants

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter


video by BBU. Song is called "Chi Don't Dance"








That's how I roll.

My Chi-town Connect Doin Big Thangs in the Rap Game

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter


This is an MTV segment about a chicago rap duo that is pretty effing dope, L.E.P. Bogus Boys. You heard it here first.

MTV Shows

That's how I roll.

I am Afriad of Eskendereya

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter

One quotation that has always struck me as being expertly descriptive was one I saw on VH1, actually. It was either I love the 80's or a special about NWA but ?uestlove of the Roots was being asked about what he thought about NWA's in-your-face style and intimidating demeanor demonstrated especially by NWA member Ice Cube. His answer?

"I thought Ice Cube was going to come to my house and fuck me up."

I kept thinking about that quotation after watching Eskendereya's performance in Saturday's Kentucky Derby prep, The Wood Memorial at Aqueduct. Tom Durkin doing a great job as always with the call.




That wasn't Eskendereya's first time romping in a quality derby prep. It also wasn't the first time I have mentioned Eskendereya. Next stop for Eskendereya? The Kentucky Derby, where he will be the heavy favorite, and for good reason. He looks like a total monster that no horse will look forward to facing in the Derby.

I just hope Eskendereya doesn't come to my house and challenge me to a mile and quarter race and fuck me up.

update: I just read that Eskendereya got a Beyer speed figure of 109 for the Wood Memorial. He may have won the Derby and the Wood in the same day. Wow.

update update: I was wondering what Eskendereya's name meant. This SI article answered it:

"The name is the Arab translation for the Egyptian port city of Alexandria. Eskendereya also is defined as a flirty Alexandrian dance with a heavy veil, according to a bellydance glossary of Middle Eastern dance teminologies."

Now you know.






That's how I roll.

My System for Fixing a March Madness Deficiency

(this was the only ncaa basketball pic I could find in my folder of already-used blog photos. It's Miami University coach Charlie Coles. Who still needs to endorse a line of charcoal called CHARlieCoals.)

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter


I am not trying to pick on this particular sports figure, but he's the only "pro" whose final four picks I have in front of me, and he successfully predicted 0 of them, having only two of his final four teams make the Elite 8. It also helps that I just saw him on tv telling me who would win on Monday. His advice wound up in my mental garbage can.

His Final Four? Kansas, Kentucky, Kansas State, Villanova.

The pro? Dick Vitale. I wrote a column a few years ago where I said I kinda like Dick Vitale now. Sure he screams and adores the ACC, but I can think of worse attributes a commentator can have. The ACC has been the most entertaining conference for the past 20 years and we all know it. I don't mind Vitale's love of Duke either: everyone loves Mark Few and Gonzaga, and the Butler story is great too. But what is Duke, if not a program that started off exactly like those programs, yet rose to be a college powerhouse right alongside the most storied programs in the history of college basketball like Kansas, Kentucky, UCLA and Indiana. So we are all happy for Butler, but we'd hate them if they did this 10 times in the next 20? Why? At point did their winning become burdensome to the viewer? Plus Coach K. is a West Point grad.

Anyway, my point is that ESPN and other sports media should do something to curtail the talking heads who clearly had no idea what would happen in this tournament. What makes Vitale worth listening to when I had one final four team and he had none? They need to do a better job of "riding the hot hand" and letting another talking head who didn't get the game wrong talk his piece. Conversely, what if you knew there was some 26 year old forklift operator in Missouri who successfully picked all either Elite 8 teams in his office pool. Wouldn't you rather listen to his final four analysis than someone with Vitale's bracket?

Much like March Madness itself, I wish the NCAA commentary were elimination-based as well. Say maybe ESPN takes all their college guys- Vitale, Digger, Gotlieb, Hubert Davis, Bilas, Jay Williams, Andy Katz and the other college basketball talking heads I am forgetting, and once the tourney is down to the Elite 8 have them fill out the bracket from there. If you incorrectly pick a game wrong (say for instance I'm an ESPN panelist and I selected Baylor to beat Duke) I should be disallowed from commenting on the advancing team (in this case, Duke) for the remainder of the tourney. If I saw Duke's first three tourney wins and still don't know them enough to be able to pick them correctly in their 4th, I obviously don't know them too well. I must either not know their true capabilities, or worse, have no valuable predictive knowledge of them. Wouldn't their incorrect prediction PROVE that?

IF someone had Northern Iowa over Kansas (and I don't blame anyone for getting it wrong), wouldn't they be the only person you would want to hear assess their chances in their next game against Michigan State? Dick Vitale thought Kansas would be in the final game, how are you expected to care about what Vitale assumes will be their chances against MSU?

Now you read that and you're saying, "Your idea is stupid because if that were the case, by your own admission, the Northern Iowa/MSU game would have no pre-game analysis." Wrong. That was before the Elite 8. Crazy things make March Madness great and they happen, ideally, every year. But few truly inexplicable things happen after the Elite 8. And, on the rare chance when a George Mason does beat a UConn to go to the Final Four and everyone is wrong, then everyone gets a do-over, since no one has proven to be any more or less adept at knowing that surprising team. But if there are 10 panelists, and only two get it right, how can I listen to the other 8 tell me about this team? I just want to hear the two correct guys talk the whole time.

It isn't that I hold ESPN talking heads to a higher standard of sports clairvoyance than I hold myself, but that's also how life works. If you and I are deciding where to get dinner, and I let you pick the place and we both find band aids in our food and we get mugged in the parking lot, guess what I am going to say if you try to recommend the next restaurant? Maybe you let me pick the restaurant this time. Or if I ask someone to be my wingman and that results in him getting wasted, and telling women a series of embarrassing stories about me that get drinks thrown in my face, I will ask someone else to by wingman next time. Someone who has an idea what's going on. That is how the world works. You may have heard this theory before under the name "Natural selection".

That system would be very true to March Madness. Just as teams ride the player with the hot hand, so should ESPN, and, just like how in March Madness, the weak teams are eliminated, so too should ESPN.







That's how I roll.

I just wiggle my toes on the mink rug and press play on the remote at the player's club

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter

Most underrated rap song ever.








That's how I roll.

Good Riddance, Lakeshore Theater; The Balloon Knot Chronicles

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter

Lakeshore Theater is going out of business.

You might be wondering if I have a story about that place.

Yes I do.


A long time ago, I was looking for a part-time job and hoping to scratch a creative itch I had been having. I saw the Lakeshore Theater's posting on Craigslist that said they were accepting applications for a few positions that sounded cool and also creative, things like Audio/Visual intern, internet sketch creative team, production assitants, marketing people, bartenders during their shows, etc. Seemed like a cool, independent, creative environment.

I submitted a cover-letter and resume via email I think, and then was invited to come to a cattle call kind of somethingorother. I came down for what I thought would be an interview but it was like a group "interview" thing that was an advertisement for Lakeshore Theater (we had to wait in the "audience" for 15 minutes in darkness but were treated to a video montage of how awesome the Lakeshore Theater was) followed by a guy telling us that with there being such high demand for all their cool-ass positions that there are a TON of applicants. The problem, he said, is that it isn't fair to everyone because if they interview 30 people for a position and hire one based on their interviews, they still can't be sure that their new hiree is really battle tested, ya know? So really, the fair thing to do, according to our speaker/interviewer, would be to let everyone work a shift or two, see how it goes, see how you click with the co-workers, and how well you know your stuff, and we'll get back to you.

I thought that sounded a little hokey, but I saw some truth in there as well, and I appreciated that. Then, while stressing the deluge of applicants they had for each position, the dude proceeded to say that another thing an aspiring Lakeshore Theater employee could do to get in the theater's good graces would be to come in this Saturday to do some PR work (which he hinted could entail some telemarketing for tomorrow's show).

So after that part, the speaker concluded it with something to the effect of, "Ok, so that's where we're at. Go home, think it over, email me, let me know what you think. If you are able to come in and volunteer to help with PR tomorrow AWESOME!! Please talk to me or so and so afterward about that. Otherwise, go home, think about it, email, let me know if you're interested or not, if you are, I'll give you a time and trial shift to work."

Fair enough.

I emailed the guy and told him I was still interested for the positions which I applied. Since I didn't wish to pigeonhole myself, I went with the buckshot approach; I applied for a few different positions.- stuff like working on sketch comedy for the theater, doing internet comedy writing and/or acting for their website, bartending even, if that's what it took to get my foot in the door, that's cool. Bartending during a comedy show would be cool. Why not?

I hear back from the guy, we'll call him Dave. Dave was the speaker at the mass interview, and Dave was the guy I'm emailing now and talking about. Dave emails me back says, great, we'll be in contact with you to come in volunteer a shift, see how we work together and take it from there!

Volunteer a shift? Oh. Well, ok. Oh, also, the only thing that was available at the time was bartending. Oh. Well, that sucks, but ok whatever. So I guess I could work a 4 hour trial shift- I was told that tips would be part of it. I figured I'd do it, maybe it could turn out to be interesting or I'd impress the right people and get a really cool job. Who knows, maybe while I was there I could network with some of the creative people who work there and they'd be so impressed by my sense of humor and work ethic that they'd hire me on the spot?

I had a shift. Saturday night. Be there at 4 to help set up. Show is at 8. We should be out of there by midnight. I'd help set up the stage and bars, then help as a bartender or usher or something.

I get there. I get a Lakeshore Theater t-shirt. I waited, checked in, waited, then was told to go hand out tickets to passers by. Not exactly sketch comedy writing or bartending. I explained that to my superior and told them I wasn't going to hand out tickets to people on the street. He said it wasn't a big deal. "Here, watch. This is all it is, here watch this- 'hey sir, howyadoin, wanna come to a comedy show here tonight at 8. Free tick......'" The guy walked by and did not acknowledge his existence. Then he hands some spineless weasel two tickets, and turns to me and says, "I mean, that's IT. It's easy, trust me. Here' just pass these out." and handed me about 40 tickets.

He handed them into my stomach and not my hands. I told him again that I never agreed to do this. On my application I said I was interested in comedy writing, and bartending and I was here to bartend or set up the stage. I never agreed to harass innocent passers by to promote a show I couldn't personally verify was worthwhile or not. He said fair enough and took me inside and handed me off to someone else.

I got to helping with some task that required 4 people and had 7 working on it. I just had a seat and let these other people do it. They'd been together at that task for the few minutes I was out waiting then passing out tickets, so they had gotten to know eachother a bit. Also keep in mind that we were all basically auditioning for a job. It was like a reality/game show where we were all trying to impress the employees, outshine the other applicants, out-laugh the other applicants when an employee makes a joke, etc.

I didn't care and still sat around. It really was like Survivor. Admittedly, I wasn't out-working my other applicants, but the dumbasses working their asses off were talking ghetto and being unprofessionally flirty, etc. I figured they could stock the bar (which apparently was the task requiring 4 people) while annoying our supervisors with their moronic banter. Eventually when the supervisors heard me talking they'd realize I was cooler, therefore better to hire, than those other savages.

I was told I'd be a bar back all night. Not what I wanted. Not what I was told I'd be doing. But ok. I could show the supervisors that I could take shitty news like a sport, and deal with it. Whatever.

More busywork with too many people doing the small things that make a theater run. Time passed. Break in the clouds- a Lakeshore employee called and canceled coming in. They needed someone with bartending experience to man a little booth on the side of the stage. It was a tiny bartending station/booth like you see at some clubs. The bartender will have a cooler with like 3 kinds of beer in cans, then like vodka, whiskey, rum, OJ, and fountain drinks. And Red Bull. So I said I'd do it. I lied about having bartending experience. After a lot of work, lots of sitting around, several changes in plans for the employees, and a lot of luck, I finally got the job that I was lead to believe I had before I showed up.

I found out during the set up that my booth would be adjacent to the stage. I also learned that the show for tonight was twofold, first there was a rookie comedy night where they had about 5 first timers come on and do 5 minutes of standup and after that some kind of burlesque troupe kind of thing would take the next two hours. Sounded good enough to me.

So I see where my bar will be set up and it's right next to the stage. If the stage is like this

\_______/X


my booth thingy would be the X. which is right in the mix. So the people rehearse and do their crap a bit and eventually the show starts.

The comedy starts up and I was told to take a seat during the show. I guess they didn't want a spotlight on me next to the stage and maybe have a line during the performance or something, or anything to detract from the talent on stage. I thought this was a good policy. I would just tend bar between acts.

the comedy was funny. I was genuinely impressed and hoped I'd get the job. It was a really cool vibe with some fun, original, first-timers out there just not giving a shit and doing a great job. Probably living out a dream. Cool vibe.

Comedy hour ends and I man the station to prepare for the burlesque variety show thingy. Business is busy, and that's that. Then as the show's about to start my supervisor comes out and says, "You know what man? We're just gonna keep you out here during the show if that's cool. So just stand here during the show, whether people are in line or not, so that they know they can get a drink at any time during the show." Cool, I tell him.

So I stay there and as the show begins no one approaches the bar so I turn my head to watch the talent.

Then something very, very weird happens to me. This was a feeling of odd I had never had before then or since.

Nothing odd really happened, but I had an odd feeling come over me, I guess. So the lights go off to start the show. Upon the first burlesque woman (who seems pretty and, dressed as though she will be "getting burlesquey" for lack of an actual phrase) is cast a spotlight. I understand why they'd put a spotlight on her. One other spotlight was cast at the Lakeshore Theater during that act. It was upon me. It let people know that they could still order drinks during the show.

So, some woman is getting naked on stage next to me. I can't see the audience well because I have a spotlight in my eyes. So then I realize people can see me just as easily as they can see her. What should I do? If I just stare blankly into the crowd as though I were looking for customers, I may seem to be upstaging the talent, or at least, guilty of willfully looking away from it. Thinking that would be in poor taste to the on-stage-possibly-naked talent, and more importantly, to my supervisors who could now watch every second of my shift without me knowing when.

So I did the only reasonable thing, I turned my head and watched her strip. I had no idea how many people were watching ME watch her strip.

Plus, for all I know there could be 35 people that I haven't seen since high school in the audience coming to a burlesque show in Chicago only to see me, their long lost high school friend, tending bar at said burlesque show. They could be pointing and laughing at me and I wouldn't even know!!!!

So it's weird. I calm down and watch the striptease. So far so good. She's cute enough, and I think I'd have to be foolish to think people would just be watching me instead of the cute girl getting bu' nekkit on stage. So she's stripping down to a thong and bra number, and it's cool. Then she does something else and ends up on the ground where she is doing a floor burlesque apparently. Ostensibly the point is, lay down with your head pointing toward the crowd so they can see some boobage then swing your legs around to get them noting boob and leg. Sounds foolproof.

So she was doing that and it was cool, but the view was funny for me because the show is of course designed to be viewed from the audience and not my booze booth. Then she spun and did a 180 degree turn so that the audience could see her lying down in profile and I could see the bottoms of her high heels. Then she lifted one of her legs up, followed by the other.....

I saw butthole.

you read it right. That chick had a thong on. She faced me, then, well you know the rest. That's basically all I remember about that night. Here's what's funny though. So I told the bartender chick that came to my booth for her orders what happened, she laughed her ass off and seemed genuinely cool as hell.

So the show ends and we're cleaning up and people are asking how it went. I said that it was fine and was actually a lot of fun (partially true, but I was trying to impress people here) and all that, but I saw butthole and that was certainly a unique professional experience for me. People laughed and that story seemed to afford me a certain credibility among the staff and applicants alike. A butthole cred, I guess. In total I told about 4 people that, but the 4th person I told said, "oh man that was you?? I heard some new guy saw butthole but I didn't know who! That's hilarious dude!"

I was also told that since I bartended I would get a cut of the tips, so it wasn't totally a volunteer shift. My share was like $60. I thought that would numb the pain of seeing butthole and realizing that this whole job trial system is a scam.

One problem though. But I couldn't get the $60 because Pat has to enter it all into the books and Pat already went home. I'd have to come by and get it on Tuesday. I hadn't heard of a Pat the entire time I was there and wondered if "Pat" actually existed.

Tuesday: I show up. Explain the deal and someone goes to find my money. No one can find it. I should come Thursday.

Thursday: It took literally 15 minutes, but someone found it. $60 in cash in an envelope with my name on it.

I emailed Dave after that. I didn't hear back and was kinda bummed. Not bummed so much because I didn't get a job there, because their HR seemed dilapidated at best and opportunities much more scarce than they lead on, but because that just proved they were a sham. Had Dave emailed me back and said something to the effect of, "thanks for coming it, but we decided to hire someone else from that shift instead of you. You may still be in the running for a creative talent position though, and someone will get back to you about that" I would be ok. But he just blew me off the same way a guy blows a girl off after a one-night stand, with the whole, I will just let my silence explain that I'm an a-hole instead of just admitting verbally that I am.

About 4 months later I was still on Craigslist looking for something creative and I saw the same exact advert again for the Lakeshore Theater.

They didn't have any cool positions open. They didn't have an internet writing team, or marketing or PR or sketch comedy outfit that is in the works. They say all that to get applications, then they bait and switch you. "All we have is bartending. Came you come in Saturday for free? OR you can work the phones on Friday night or Saturday morning, also for free?" So you do a shift, just to see how you fit in mind you. Make sure that YOU like us, most importantly, and we'll get back to you. Only they don't. With 40 applicants at a cattle call thingy, and 10 shifts a weekend, they need to put out one ad a month to get 10 free shifts a weekend. Those are slave wages. Why not keep doing it?

That's what they did. Now they are out of business. They are in debt to me one butthole viewing against my will. Oh, and the whole lying about having an actual creative job like they advertised. You know what, those owners see a butthole in the mirror everyday. I guess the hatchet is buried.

But I am still glad they are out of business. Bating and switching to get free shifts, then never calling people again. Then repeating the process every several weeks? RARELY is that done by a solvent business. The news of their demise doesn't come as a surprise after the shitshow I saw. And it's just gauche and awful karma. Plus, I mean, I saw butthole.











That's how I roll.

This is Humiliating, but I Will ask Anyway.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter


You know how if you are standing there and you see an attractive person walking toward you, you get a glimpse, then look elsewhere, wait for them to pass you, then wait a bit, then turn and casually look at their buns? Let's face it, that's how most people do it.

But, if you are in the same position and see an attractive person driving a car, do you do the same thing for some strange reason? That is to say, you see them, watch them pass them pass, then turn your head to see the view from behind....for some strange reason? As though you were gonna see if the back of their head was sexy, or if their license plate were local, or if they had any cool bumper stickers.

I caught myself doing that the other day waiting for the bus. Yes, it was a long bus.








That's how I roll.

Chris Rock Spoofing Hey Ya

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter

NSFW and awesome.










That's how I roll.

true story

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter


I was channel surfing tonight and around 5:50 pm and was catching advertisements for the upcoming 6 o'clock news. Eventually I got to Univision, the mexican tv channel, and they were talking in Spanish about how at their 6 o'clock newscast they are going to talk about Ricky Martin's gaynouncement (that should be a word). I thought that was a funny thing to lead a news story with, but thought he must be a big deal to Mexican people. So I changed the channel only to see a similar advertisement for the 6 o'clock news on Telemundo. I guess this must come as a shock to women who adored him and assumed he was hetero. I wonder if all of those gay people who assumed he was straight are equally surprised, but in a good way. Wait, this just in..*covering my earpiece so I can hear better*.....All gay people knew Ricky was gay. Ok, nevermind then.

Since his spanish-speaking fans love him so much its probably for the best that they don't speak English and know that in English "Menudo" has the words "nude" and "men" in it.

Men, Nude? Ohhh......





That's how I roll.

Sip it and Tip it: Jaime Escalante

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter

Jaime is known for 3 things. Stand and Deliver. And Teaching. I counted "Stand and Deliver" as two, but it's really only one movie.

The point is he died and was awesome. His declining health was first reported here awhile a go. I mean, I wasn't the first to report it, but it was first reported on HERE a while ago.







That's how I roll.

In No Way is This Not Unlike a Non-Doozy

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter

If no one has before said, "Barack Obama:Michael Steele::Gary Coleman's Arnold:Webster", someone should. This video is funny, but not really SFW








That's how I roll.