Wait...

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



What if April Fools fell on an Opposite Day? Then what would happen? Damn...

Joe Paterno is afraid to be un-P.C., and I think it's great.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

April Fools. Watch what he says about basketball when he grew up in NYC.

This is not funny at all. In fact it's depressing.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



April Fool's! It's hilarious. It's potentially NSFW cuz the victim says the f-word at the :53 second mark and I think at the :59 second mark as well. So I'd recommend listening to the first 30 seconds or so, then muting it if you are at work.




Same goes for this one basically. When the guy falls, he swears. So if you're at work watch the volume.

Man Busted for DUI- on his Motorized Bar Stool

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


You read the headline correctly. A man in Newark, Ohio crashed his motorized bar stool while he was stinko and suffered injuries as a result. When an officer arrived on the scene and asked what happened the man replied, "I wrecked my bar stool".

As an alumnus of an Ohio University, I am able to shed some light on a few things here for my readers. 1) Newark is pretty close to Columbus, and is a literal breeding ground for Ohio State fandomonium, and 2) Newark is in Licking County. You read that correctly. The county its in is Licking.

So congratulations on all of your vehicular success, OSU fan in Licking County!

A Putdown I Cannot Wait to use

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


"If your mother had a toilet on her grave, I would upper-deck it." (the link is NSFW)

43 things I don't care about that the media wants me to care about.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


1. octomom
2. regis philbin
3. zach braff
4. paris hilton
5. american idol
6. dancing with the stars
7. shows about fantasy sports
8. what was just said on "The View"
9. what was just said on a has-been celebrity's blog
10. which media personalities and/or celebrities are on twitter
11. Angelina adopting foreigner kids
12. Madonna adopting foreigner kids
13. Where Cayleigh is
14. How Valerie Bertenelli is less obese now
15. Lindsay Lohan
16. AIG
17. D.L. Hughley
18. Award Ceremonies
19. The political opinions of people who play make believe for a living (i.e. actors)
20. Brett Favre
21. Terrell Owens
22. Alex Rodriguez
23. The Yankees
24. Yankees-Red Sox rivalry
25. Dick Vitale's screaming
26. Anything Chris Matthews Screams or Says
27. Anything pro-democratic party on MSNBC
28. Anything anti-Republican Party on MSNBC
29. Anything pro-Republican Party on FoxNews
30 Anything anti-Democratic party on FoxNews
31. Any elimination-style dating reality show where the grand prize is a next-time- won't you-sing- with-me list celebrity.

32. Any diet that bears the name "Rachel Ray" (seriously I see an advert for that on every website)
33. Scientology
34. Glenn Beck
35. Spencer and Heidi (though that has mercifully quieted down lately)
36. Anything written or spoken by Rick Reilly
37. " " John McCain's daughter
38. " " Jamele Hill
39. Jay Leno's monologue
40.Anytime a CNN or any newdesk anchor reads any reader comments, emails, tweets, etc.
41. Any CNN, MSNBC, Headline News, ESPN or any other show where there are more then three people talking at once live via satellite.
42. How Kanye West acted weirdly
43. Ashton Kutcher

To be continuned (probably)....


UPDATE: 44. Jamie Foxx and 45. Wanda Sykes too. Can't believe I forget them.

Say Cheese

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Today's Trib posted 19 other similar smiley photos either taken by or inspired by artist Ruth Kaiser. I thought they were kinda cool. I thought it might be good for a Monday during a recession.

Congratulations, Redhawks!

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Congratulations on making the Frozen Four, boys. You will win it all. It is your destiny, I am positive! It's very simple- it is your destiny.

Up Yours With a Broomstick, Dubai

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


I know you don't like horse racing, but you kind of hate Dubai and would feel schadenfreude towards them if they screwed up, right? Perfect. Below is footage from their $6,000,000 ostentatious Dubai World Cup.

It's like their Kentucky Derby, but different. In the last decade or so, sheiks from Dubai have started buying up damn near all of the American stud horses (sounds funny, but in this instance I mean "stud" literally). They have made it their personal jihad to purchase nearly all the available quality horse stock and fly it back home to breed their own super horses. After doing so, they decided to make a spectacle of their riches and host a summit of racing every March, culminating the worlds richest race (by far) the Dubai World Cup, where the victor is awarded $6m. Ideally it was designed to be an embarrassment to their riches, where they would be flattered and humbled, maybe even embarrassed, by how amazingly their multi-million dollar horses ran.

Essentially, they buy the Ivan Dragos of the world, and we bring our Rocky's over and eat their lunch every damn year. Last year it was Curlin. This year was Well Armed who HUMILIATED the field by 14 lengths.

I luh dat. Here it is.

Have You Ever Paid for a Prostitute, Kissed her, Then Punched her? The Sham-Wow guy has.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


That is correct. Last month in a Miami nightclub, the ShamWow guy met a chick at the bar of a nightclub where she propositioned him for prostitutey sex. He agreed to pay $1,000 for sex at his hotel. They went back to his hotel and started kissing (wtf?), and she allegedly bit his tongue and would not let go, so he started punching her until she did. Then she ran out of the hotel room and he ran after her and they were arrested in the lobby. It was also noted in the police report that the ShamWow guy is 44. He looks kinda like Tucker from There's Something About Mary, once he is dressed in his pizza delivery guy attire.

I'm not even going to make any kind of "wow!" related joke here, but a few things warrant mentioning. 1) Who kisses prostitutes? Isn't that part of the reason you are paying for it? That and so she'll leave right away. 2) How pissed off would you be if you broke down and paid for sex, then realized that she was crazy and you were faced with the decision of punching her repeatedly or losing your tongue? Especially if you're fairly famous. 3) What was the prostitute hoping to gain by not letting his tongue go? 4) What the fuck happened to this guy because he looks much worse for the wear than she does. I'd like to think if I initiated a punching competition with a woman and "repeatedly punched" her, she'd have a jacked-up face. 5) Did you notice how my headline was, technically, a trick question? 6) Hi-OOOO.


7) more like "ShameWow". 8) I guess I kinda lied in the first paragraph's first sentence.



UPDATE:



This is the actual mugshot of her. I guess the other pic was her, but from a prior arrest. Hey ShameWow guy, what do you tell a hooker with two black eyes? Nothin, you done told her twice! The facial expression in the pic on the right really sums up an overall bad night for both of them.

Big Derby Prep Race to be on ESPN This Saturday

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


The Florida Derby, the best Derby Prep race to date will be on ESPN from 5-6 ET on Saturday, 3/28. Now we're getting into the mid-to-late stages of Derby prep races, which means that good horses will start running against one another instead of avoiding eachother. It's kind of like the middle rounds of the NCAA tournament- where #1 seeds play #4 seeds, and you have a matchup that's actually good, instead of seeing one good team humiliate an inferior team.

Saturday's Florida Derby features three horses to get excited about: Dunkirk (pictured above), Quality Road, and Theregoesjojo.

Dunkirk




Abovemost is his first race, below that is his second race. He is by far the most intriguing of the group. In 2007 he was the most expensive yearling (i.e. one year old) purchased at auction for the entire year- at $3.7 million. He didn't race at all as a 2-year old (only two Derby winners were unraced at 2) and is 2-for-2 in his starts this year. He was the favorite in both races in which he ran, and won impressively in both, as you'll see. So the story on him is that he has all the potential in the world but has yet to beat any competitive horses. Most directly in his way is....

Quality Road



Above is his latest, and by far most impressive race. Regardless of how you think it compares visually to Dunkirk's impressive wins, it should be known that Quality Road beat a litany of very qualified horses in that race. He went off at 6-1, and that was his third race. It looked like he got a great ride from his very talented jockey and then had the talent to ride to the wire in the lead. The only knock on him is that he may have ran so quickly and been so finely-tuned for that race, that he may not have as much stank in the tank for this Saturday's race. That could be the case, or it could be that that was the first race of a super horse. What that a trend or an aberration? Will he be a one hit wonder? The next horse in this race worth taking a closer look at is the horse that finished right behind him that race.....


Theregoesjojo

The race you saw Quality Road win was the Fountain of Youth Stakes on February, 28th. However, what you didn't hear was that just one month prior to that race, in an allowance race on January 10th, Theregoesjojo beat Quality road by nearly three lengths. (Quality Road beat Theregoesjojo by 4 lengths in the Fountain of Youth). So the question here then is- who will win the rubber match? Is Theregoesjojo the better horse, and just got off to a slow start in the Fountain of Youth? Or did he get lucky on 1/10? Even if he is better than Quality Road, can he hold off the regally bred Dunkirk?

*Queue the music* Dun Dun DDuunnnnnn. We'll have to tune in Saturday to find out.

My prediction is that Dunkirk will win because his second race was ran at a mile and an 8th, which is what the distance will be on Saturday. Quality Road's win took place at only a mile. The difference may sound negligble for horses, but it actually does matter quite a bit. Quality Road's win was very impressive to be sure, but Dunkirk looks like he can be driven like a car and it didn't look as though he even tried to win either race, despite having horrible trips (being 6 wide during turns in each race). It's also wishful thinking because I want Dunkirk to win because he'll be undefeated and will maybe draw some media attention that only undefeated horses can (like Smarty Jones, Barbaro and Big Brown). I want him to be an unbeatable freak superhorse. But realistically, I would not be surprised at all if either of the other two horses soundly defeated him.

Thickening the plot (or, boring you even further) is that this will be Dunkirk's last race before the Kentucky Derby. Which may not sound like a big deal, but it actually is. Only the top 20 Graded Stakes (i.e. very good races) earning horses are eligible to be in the Derby. Graded Stakes just means "top tier" races. Quality Road beat Theregoesjojo in a "Graded Stake" race, so they both earned a good deal of money toward their total. Dunkirk however, has yet to race in one. If he wins Saturday's Florida Derby, he will have enough to safely remain in the top 20 and be Derby eligible. If he finishes in second place though, it's less likely he'll be Derby eligible, and if he finishes third, he has no chance. He is allowed to enter races between Saturday and the Derby in order to get his total earnings up, but his owner and trainer don't want to do that because they don't want to over-race such a valuable horse. So if Dunkirk does not win on Saturday, he probably won't be in the Kentucky Derby, and would then probably race next in the Preakness or the Belmont.

Either way, I am very excited to watch the race and I hope you are too.


UPDATE: Good race. Quality Road won an impressive stretch run with Dunkirk. Quality Road looked him the eye and then ran by him. As they turned for home Dunkirk took the lead from Quality Road for a bit, and then Quality Road quickly regained it. It's very rare to see a horse re-take a lead from a horse that just passed it.

Mr. Fantasy out of Wood

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



That was a headline on the Daily Racing Form today- "Mr. Fantasy is out of Wood". It means that the horse named Mr. Fantasy is no longer going to run in the Wood Memorial on April 4th, a key prep race for the Kentucky Derby. Since this greatly derails his chances of making it into the Kentucky Derby field, maybe the could have added, "-Don't Expect to see him Near KY Anytime Soon." to the headline.

You'd Probably Like These. Perv.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


These are some sports photos that have been taken out of context, so to speak. They're funny, and could be construed for having sexual overtones.

WhereAwesomeHappens Lookalikes 20.0

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Drama Dyrdek and Steve Blake.

WhereAwesomeHappens Lovechild Investigation 10.0

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Greg Kinnear + Graham Norton = Buster Olney

Kanye Will Do Anything For a Blonde Dyke

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



I just put these two together. I remember hearing that Kanye West's girlfriend is rumored to be either lesbian or bi. I guess some celebrity gossip people are in a tizzy over how their relationship may be a possible publicity stunt- maybe she's lying to Kanye about being into guys in order gain fame, maybe Kanye is gay and she's his beard, maybe they really are a real couple, maybe she is into guys but is just using Kanye for publicity anyway, etc. I never got too concerned since I don't know either of them.

But I was listening to Kanye's song Stonger today, I totally forgot about these lyrics when I first heard these rumors, but in it he sings the following:

This is Louis Vuitton Don night
So we gonna do everything that Kan like
Heard they'd do anything for a Klondike
Well I'd do anything for a blonde-dyke
And she'll do anything for the limelight
And we'll do anything when the time's right

Sounds about right.

I'm Not Making This Up

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Yesterday while walking to the Fullerton El stop, I overheard to female DePaul University students talking. The first thing I thought when I saw this was "I bet they are bashing guys", since that seems to be what I overhear women doing. What I heard was much more frightening.

"So then of course we fought over the clean Snuggie"

To the girl crossing Fullerton, heading south that said that: Sorry to hear that you lost at the game of life. Stay positive.

Putting a Rumor to Rest

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com




Lately a lot of people have been asking me if I was singing backup vocals on the track, "If You Wanna Be Happy" by Jimmy Soul. Specifically, the portion of the track that starts at 1:49 where the vocalist sings "yeah yeah yeah yeah" then does so at regular intervals throughout the rest of the song.

I get this question a lot. And I will take the answer to the grave with me, sorry enquiring minds.

Jockeys

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


I couldn't decide which picture to use. So I used both.

As you may know, I like horse racing. I can highly recommend the reality show on Animal Planet about jockeys at the Santa Anita race track. The show is cryptically titled: Jockeys. The show is well done and the jockeys they portray are some of the best jockeys in the world, which makes it much more enjoyable.

You can check out the show's homepage here, and can watch full episodes as well.

Two News Stories

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


I'll start by saying that both of these are tasteless. So if you fancy yourself a person with a modicum of decorum, I discourage you from watching the YouTube clip and also from clicking the following link.


And The Heartless Genius who is behind this had to have enjoyed their job way more than you enjoy yours. But for all the wrong reasons. Please recall me saying that this is tasteless.



I can't believe you laughed at that! You really are tasteless. Wow.

I Know How Ya Feel, Little Fella

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I robbed this picture from Deadspin. It's a television screen-grab from a hockey game and requires no further explanation.

Well, it's True.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


I was as disappointed to hear about Chris Brown punching Rihanna as anyone else who doesn't know either of them. Now I hear she is taking him back. This is when Rihanna needs a good friend like me to pull her aside and say the following:


Rihanna.....





Well, it's true.

Linkin

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


I thought this list was kinda cool. It's from PopEater.com and it's the Top 10 list of songs that were passed over by musicians, and then became huge hits for other musicians.

That brings me to my next point: When will American Idol just sack up and start calling itself America's Next Has-Been? Speaking of which....that gives me another excuse to run this picture.

Is This a Triple Entendre?

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


This is really fucking pathetic, but I wanted to see if I could think of a triple entendre, and I think I did. It's really, really lame, but I think it technically fits. Let me know if you think it qualifies.

Say I am an inventive and well-respected dessert chef. My "signature dish" (1st usage) is actually a dish of ice cream where the dish is also edible. The dish itself, is actually made of chocolate sauce that's cooled and molded. However, the chocolate sauce dish isn't in just a regularly shaped dome- it's my signature. In other words, if I took Hershey's Syrup, and signed "TR Slyder" on a cool baking sheet, cooled it that so that I could mold it, then molded it into a dome to make a dish, it would literally be a "signature dish" (2nd usage).

THEN when that dish got to be world famous I wrote a tell-all book about my Signature Dish (the literal signature dish) and I titled that book "My Signature Dish (3rd usage): Dishing the details about my signature dish- the Signature Dish".

Pathetic as all hell, I know. Now lets never bring this experiment up ever again.

Why I Love LSD

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Lake Shore Drive. Not the hallucinogen. Not sure if this is an old ditty or a nudity new ditty, but I kinda like it.




I also don't know a thing about the trio that performs this song. But I'd bet that at least one of them is 1) a dude, and, 2) Is bald with a ponytail. I'd be pretty bummed out if that weren't the case.




Update: I just saw this video too. Same song, different video. Since you're probably wondering- I live about 4 blocks to the West (or to the right, in that POV) from where it's shot at the :40 mark. I think this video is more entertaining, but also a bit more likely to induce nausea.

It is Officially Time to Panic: Wall Street Doesn't Agree With Obama's Policies

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


As anyone with any finance or economic policy acumen knows, the whole point of having a President of the United States, is to cowtow to Wall St. That is the President's only role. They'd also tell you that Economics is only about the short term. No finance expert ever says "Buy stocks, and hold on to them.", they say "Buy them, and see if you can turn a quick profit in a couple days time, sell them, and try to do it all over again."

So when Obama unveils an economic policy, and the Dow goes down again, it's 1) Obama's fault and 2) the surest sign that the policy has no chance of success.

It's refreshing to know that the talking heads on CNBC and the rest of the media forgot who got us into the current economic mess: Wall Street greed. They were unregulated, ran amok, got stupidly greedy, and now the world is paying for it. So why should I believe that the DJIA is the pureset measure of Presidential policy? They got us into the mess, what the fuck do they know? If they knew everything, as the media seems to imply, wouldn't more Wall St. firms not be collapsing or laying people off? So they screwed up, yet their still the experts?

How is that unlike a 14-month old giving you advice on how NOT to poop your pants? It kind of reminds me of when I overhear overweight people celebrating their weight loss and giving eachother advice. Call me rude AND studpid, but I'd rather get that advice from someone who is currently in shape. I'm just that crazy. If you're and a friend are driving from Chicago to Indianapolis, and while he is holding the map, you wind up Mexico, chances are, you aren't interested in his advice on how to get back on track. You're going to take the map and tell him to shut the hell up.

It isn't that I think no one should disagree with Obama. I'm all for a multitude of input and opinions. But until our economy is trending in the right direction, I couldn't care less what the Dow and Wall St. think about Obama's current policy proposals. You guys had your chance. And you you obesely pooped your pants in Mexico.

Once Again: We Salute You, Florida

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



Florida once again contributes to our country's achievement in intellectualism. This vigalante legal maverick attempted to extend the powers that the police have over commerce. It failed badly.

Some good came out of it though. Now we know the answer to the decades-old debate: Should you call 911 if McDonalds is out of Chicken McNuggets?

Updated: The Best Invention Possible: Snuggie + ShamWow= The SnugWow

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


If you could make a Snuggie out of ShamWow material, it would be not only the best invention of all time, but I think the best invention possible.

No matter what you spill, you will never have to get up to get paper towels. In fact, you wouldn't even have to get up to use the restroom.

Why didn't you think of that? Anyway, you are welcome.


UPDATE:

Another "invention" that needs to happen is making Swiffer socks. I guess you could just be ghetto and tape Swiffers to the bottom of your shoes and walk around, but it would feel much more refined, if you could either buy foot-shaped Swiffer pads, or if they came with laces on them.

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon Live Blog

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



I love Conan and was as critical of Jimmy Fallon on SNL as anyone else was. But I figured I'd give him a shot.

9 minutes in, so far, so good. The writing so far from the dialogue has been good. He joked about Rush Limbaugh calling him to hope he fails on his new show. He also joked that Obama agreed to bring the troops home in 16 months (or however many it is until 8/10), but the troops said "no thanks, the economy is better over here." He then had a guest make some kind of comment after a joke and Jimmy deadpanned, "Ok, please have that man removed. I hate when my dad drinks." I thought that was pretty decent ad-libbing. As I was typing all of that, he and his band, The Roots, did a funny piece which I assume will be a new running segment called "Slow Jammin' the News" where he took a news story and the Roots played a really R&B sexxed up beat (Think Keith Sweat, Isely Brothers, Isaac Hayes- some grown folk, baby makin' music) and they sang a news story as a song, complete with a lot of double entendres to make it sound like a sexy ballad. I was pretty amused.

Fallon struck me as playing the part of a tv show host a lot better than I thought he would. He didn't come out in a Salvation Army sweater with messy hair trying frat/stoner humor it up. He seemed like a believable host with a great house band and good writing. That's about all I ask for. I don't wanna stay up for every guest but his lineup this week might be the best week of guests in late night television history. It's basically a week of NBC telling every A-lister, "You owe us a favor, now come in and do Fallon's show." Or the converse of, "Would you like to do NBC/GE a favor and be in the good graces of one of America's largest companies? You would? Great, come on in and sit on Jimmy's couch, and we'll write you and I.O.U.."

After the monologue, he began a new game-show style show called "Lick It For $10", where 3 audience members come up, lick something, then return to their seats. The first guy just licked the motor part of a lawn mower. Then they showed a replay of it in slow-mo, while the roots laid down another great, baby-makin' lick (I was kinda happy with that pun. I hope you enjoyed it). The next chick had to lick a copy machine. Then the he asked the audience which part she should lick- and the audience voted on the glass part, where you put the actual sheet you are copying. Then after each guest earns their $10, Jimmy pays them out of his own wallet. The last gentleman is now required to lick a bowl of goldfish. Job well done and Jimmy paid the man.


I tried to embed this video, but embedding was disabled by YouTube. So I will have to send you a link to Jimmy Fallon's Idiot Boyfriend video. If you have never heard of the video, it came out about 5 years or so ago, and is pretty entertaining. If you're reading this blog, lets face it, you've got time to kill. So check it out. I'd like to dedicate the link to a very special who lives in Astoria, NY, who I know for a fact will be happy to click on the link.

Robert De Niro is on and Jimmy is pretty smiley and awe-struck, but it's his first interview, and it's a pretty huge get, so I can't blame him a ton just yet.

Ok, now Jimmy's being a little Jimmyish. He joked that he and De Niro have had similar careers. De Niro was in the Taxi Driver, and Jimmy was in Taxi. He then did a giggly impression of De Niro, and asked De Niro to recite a line from his movie, to which De Niro adopted a girly falsetto and said "Ohhh, I'm Jimmy Fallon." Non-hilarity ensued and they went to commercial. Everytime I've seen De Niro of Jack Nicholson on a show, the host acts awestruck, then talks about how he's so much more of a hardass then the he (the host) could ever hope to be, then De Niro/Nicholson busts on them, and the host giggles sheepishly. Way to switch it up Jimmy. The commercial break came at a good time.

Back from commercial, Jimmy sarcastically asks if De Niro remembers the movie they did together. Shockingly, they have a clip from that movie. Oh good, Jimmy giggled before his first line of the movie. So far, Jimmy plays a poontang, and De Niro a hard ass. Good thing I was seated for that one. Mercifully, it ended after about 15 seconds. That was the whole segment. Coming up after the break "The amazingly talented Justin Timberlake".

Justin Timberlake came out. If Fallon calls him "Mr. J.T." I'm never watching this show again. Mr. J.T. did a pretty funny impression of John Mayer's singing. It was good because he never said anything along the lines of "He's a good friend, but I bust on him anyway." Jimmy made a PC comment to the effect of, "obviously, we both know and like the guy and aren't trying to take the piss out of him." to which Timberlake said "Yeah...we make fun of him...cuz....we....like him *shoulder shrug*", which led me to believe he maybe doesn't like him. I can respect that.

Aaaaand scene. After the break, I think Jimmy Said Van Morrison is coming out. Tomorrow's musical guest is Santogold, if you haven't heard of her, but you like M.I.A.'s music, you should check her out.

I'll be damned it is Van Morrison. He's singing his new song apparently. Wow, Van Morrison looks like Zoot from the Muppet Band, if he were paler than an albino's ass and very fat. Seriously.

"Stay tuned for Last call with Carson Daly, everybody." Oh good idea. In fact, put me down for a "Hell no", Jimmy.

Ok, bedtime for T.R..

This Year's Kentucky Derby Trail

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


After watching Saturday's Fountain of Youth Stakes at Gulfstream and Santa Anita's Sham Stakes, I feel pretty good about the 2009 Kentucky Derby field.

I haven't seen every Derby hopeful yet this year, but the 5 or 6 I've followed have impressed me moreso than the top 5 or 6 in recent years.

As a starting point for the discussion of the top 3-year olds can be found on the left margin here- Mike Watchmaker's "Watchmaker Watch". The top two horses, Old Fashioned and Dunkirk, I have not seen, but if they're atop the list, I have ever reason to believe they're flat out beasts. The third horse, Pioneer of the Nile, I watched a few weeks ago in the Robert Lewis Stakes at Santa Anita, below. Check it out for yourself. That's an impressive ride from a jockey who knew exactly how much horse he had left, and didn't ask his horse to do any more than he had to. You get the feeling that if the jockey wanted to send Pioneer of the Nile much earlier, he could have won by 6 lengths.



Next on Watchmaker's list is the winner of the Breeder's Cup Juvenile, Midshipman. He is off the Derby trail due to a recent injury. I hope to see him in the Travers in August at Saratoga, as I don't think we've heard the last of him yet. Friesan Fire is ranked 5th on the Watchmaker Watch and I have not seen him either. In 6th is Vineyard Haven who had a very impressive two-year old campaign on the East Coast. He ran a clunker in Dubai recently, but his work as a 2-year old still looms. Here's his impressive win in the 2008 Champagne Stakes at Belmont Park.




Coming in 7th place in Watchmaker's Watch is the horse that inspired me to write this article, who is pictured at the top of this article, and who won me $70 on Saturday- The Pamplemousse.

It is worth noting that he was heavily, favored in this race, however he didn't even show an inkling of concern for the others in the race (like Pioneer of the Nile did, for instance). It looks like the jockey said "Ok other horses, my horse is better and will run his race and let you guys run yours. And "yours" is gonna have a view of The Pamplemousse's hiney the entire time. You really aren't any concern to us. Good luck out there." The visual evidence is below.



The last three ranked horses on the Watch (Capt. Candyman Can, Notonthesamepage, and This Ones For Phil) all raced in Saturday's Fountain of Youth Stakes at Gulfstream. The field in this race was very deep, and I found other horses in the race very likable as well (Theregoesjojo, and Beethoven, most notably). The winner of that race? A horse named Quality Road. So of the 5 horses I liked a little bit in that race, none of them won. Quality Road won impressively and is still on the Derby Trail, as well as Theregoesjojo and Beethoven. The three horses from Watchmaker's Watch that entered this race, appeared to be the horse racing equivalent of a one-hit wonder, as often happens with young horses hoping to enter in the KY Derby. Here's the Fountain of Youth from Gulfstream.

"That's the bad guy" -Tony Montana in Scarface

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Remember in the mid-to-late 90's when everyone was making Lawyer jokes? It was en vogue at the time to label laywers as all greedy, corrupt, unscrupulous swindlers? In the wake of our awesome economic times, have investment bankers officially replaced them now? I kind think so.

Rush to (bad) Judgement

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


For being obese, Rush Limbaugh sure is a small person. Despite being the Alpha flag-waving conservative, he still wants to see Obama fail.

Is this revenge for some comment circa 2000 I'm unaware of where Obama wished Rush got more obese, more bald and addicted to Oxycontin? I wasn't reading a lot of news back then.

Acronym

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



I've read a few articles lately talking about our Planets. That's all well and good and they all mentioned different acronyms to remember our (formerly) nine planets. Examples include, and are certainly not limited to:

My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Up Nine Pizzas

Most Valentines Eat More Jello Scoops Up North (now that Pluto is gone, they didn't include a "P")

My Very Elderly Mother Just Sits Up Nights.

Etc.

There is one acronym that is far superior, and I've heard it only once before, so I feel like I can help by sharing it again. It's easy. It's effective. It's the best.

My Very Excellent Memory Just Served Up Nine Planets.

Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, (Pluto). By far the best acronym ever for that. Just thought you should know.

Twitter? Really?

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


I haven't posted in a long time and thank you to the people that asked me about when I'd be posting again (Sarah, and Kevin by name).

I haven't had as much spare time as I had previously, but posts will come. And I promise a lot of videos from my when I watched midget wrestling with my friends.

But what I wanted to mention/ask in my first post back was, what the eff is up with Twitter? I just don't see that site ever taking off (moreso than it has already).

So it's a forum where everyone comments, but in less than 140 characters? So if another 9/11 were to (God forbid) happen, I could log on to Twitter to get Kevien Federline's reaction AND Shaquille O'neal's?? Wow. That sounds necessary. Why go read the New York Times, Chicago Tribune or DrudgeReport, when I can read a terse comment from a guy in Abilene, TX. Thank the lord.

It isn't that I am 1,000% positive that the model has 0% hope of success, but once webcams become more prevelent, if YouTube comes out with a 45 second-limit Vlog application to rival Twitter, how would Twitter compete? What if Facebook did the same thing? Big problem for Twitter. It's like if I start a company selling X and open a few shops selling X. Once Wal-Mart sells a passibly knock0ff of X, my company is done. If what Twitter is selling is people's real-time opinions, which I think they are, they are doomed. There are a lot of approximate avenues for that already, they just need to add a Twitter-like feature to their site. Isn't Facebook, and YouTube already an established, if extended, Twitter?

Hasn't Twitter reached it's ceiling already? How huge can that site really get? If you really wanted someone's commentary on a given topic, can't you just go that someone's own webpage?

To completely undermine everything I just typed- I'll admit I'm not a Twitter member, and not fully familiar with its product. But I have heard a TON about it recently, and I also heard a ton about Flooze.com, Pets.com and the Howard the Duck movie.

I'll go on the record as saying I'm the only guy to admit that I just don't see Twitter succeeding. I said it.

I had to Mention These Two Things

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com





1. The Steelers' Coach, Mike Tomlin in the post-game conference, while wearing the newly-made "2008 NFC Champions Pittsburgh Steelers hat" said, "I tip my hat to the Ravens...." yet failing to literally tip his hat, questioning the conviction of his statement.

2. While talking about the significance to African-American NBA players regarding Obama's nomination, Bulls Guard Ben Gordon said "You'd see some players write 'Omama' on their sneakers with the, you know, expl-, eplantion points after it.....you know it meant a lot to them."

I saw these within a 3 minute span tonight. I love athletics.

Page 9 of Saturday's Chicago Tribune

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Fantasy, reality collide at balls. So true. So true.

More Like The Jokee

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Getting your stuff laughed at is probably embarrassing enough, but having that be the headline in the newspaper must be even worse.

Trust me on This one. Just. Trust me.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Some internet sites are reporting on a VERY old picture of Madonna from before she was famous. This picture is soon to be auctioned off at Christie's and is attracting a lot of attention because Madonna is fully nude in the picture. Several of the websites reporting this story provide a link that shows the uncensored picture. Do NOT look at the picture. Just trust me. You do NOT want to see that picture. I used to think Madonna was as sexy as anyone else, and I DEEPLY regret looking at the picture. If you read this then look at the picture, I GUARANTEE you'll think, "Oh man, T.R. was right. I should NOT have looked at that. What was I thinking? I knew he wasn't lying, but I still had to look. Now I must warn the others before it's too late!" You can save yourself all that hassle just by simply not looking it. Trust me. It is very, very gross. So gross that you won't just find Madonna unsexy afterward, you may view all women as less sexy, and no photo is worth that consequence.

I'm not even trying to be funny. I'm not going to provide a link and say "Don't click here! Whatever you do, do not click right here!" Not trying to tempt you. Just do not do it. It's very, very simple.

We Have Lost A Giant Among Men....and Among Herve

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Ricardo Montalban died the other day. He is the only guy I know of who can boast of being Herve Villechaize's co-star. He was also in some Star Trek movies.

Which brings me back to Herve.



This is also Herve. And Weird Al doing his Howard Stern impression, apparently.



Herve is what some awesome people consider to be the best person ever. By the Distributive Property, the late Ricardo Montalban was awesome too. Since you remind us of Herve, you will be missed Ricard Montalban.

One Hell of a Model American

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


In a WhereAwesomeHappens Exclusive, I was able to get ahold of a few passengers and this is what they had to say...

"You're the best around. Nothing is ever gonna keep you down."
-J. Esposito

"Simply the best. Better than all the rest. Better than anyone; anyone I ever met."
- T. Turner

"I guess I'm just a lucky so and so"
-L. Armstrong feat. D. Ellington

"I was going down for the third time
My heart was broken, I thought that loving you was out of the question
Then I saw my reflection
Saying please don't let this go"
-G. Michael


"Nigga break some weed, I got a story to tell."
-B. Smalls

"Has it come to this? Turn the page on the day, walk away."
-M. Skinner

"Take a bow"
-M. Ciccone

"I think it's amazing."

-G. Michael

"...Somethin like a phenomenon"



-L.L.

Dear Fat Joe,

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Dear Jose Gordo,

I really enjoy your "collabo" with Li'l Wayne, "Make it Rain". While I am fully aware that you bill yourself as a "Don", and possess a staggering degree of street credibility, I must call into question your ability to identify people with an exorbitant amount of mettle. In your opening line you rap "Cr-Cr-Crack, Crack, Crack, Crack, Crack you hear the Echo, man I seen the best go, 'cause he ain't have that mettle."

Now if someone were to be "the best", wouldn't he, in all liklihood, have "that mettle"? Isn't that like saying, "That gentleman is the tallest guy on this bus. But 4 people are clearly taller."? Furthermore, if he is, as you assert, "the best" and he did indeed, "go", doesn't that call into question his besthood?

Even if the word "mettle" is intended to be "metal", symbolicly meaning "gun", your argument still doesn't hold water for the reasons I have stated. One cannot help but assume that "The best" would possess mettle and metal. For the best not to have mettle/metal sounds like quite the Shakespearean tragic flaw, indeed. So much so that I find it to be an unbelievable theoretical.

Since I do not wish to sound exclusively negative in this treatise, I will offer you some well-earned praise as well. Congratulations on liberally using the n-word, despite being Puerto Rican. No badge of urban acceptance shines brighter for a non-black than to use that hateful slur without being questioned for it by blacks. Not only that, but about a decade you parlayed that credibility into a thug-friendly dance craze known, not-so-cryptically as The Lean Back, where the thug leans back a little and calls it dancing. Choreographical genius.

You inspire all of us Fat Joe,


Lithe T.R.

Redundancy is not only repetitive, it's also verbose and repititive.

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



I just heard John Kerry, during today's hearing with Hillary Clinton, make reference to an "old adage". Are there any new adages? Another redundancy, I not only hate, but abhor, detest, and despise is when people say "safe haven". The word "safe" appears in the defintion of the word.

1.	a harbor or port.

2.	any place of shelter and safety; refuge; asylum

There is no sense in modifying "haven", because an unsafe haven is mutually exclusive. Unless of course you're going to make a new adage about a skinny fat person living in an unsafe haven.


update: While listening to Bill Simmons' podcast, I heard his guest Michael Lombardi refer to someone as being "prideful". That isn't a word. I hear people say that all the time. The word they are looking for is "proud".

Dear Giants Fans, You've Got Great New York Boobs

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com







Hilarious performance today, Gentleman. Another overly-hyped New York team, another funny post season result. Your movies Yankees and Mets.

Why Do They Bother Play College Football Games?

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


So the college football season is over and there isn't a unanimous #1 team. Most people think Florida is the winner, but it is hardly an open-and-shut case.

What I am hearing a lot is something like this between two sports pundits.

Pundit 1: I think that Florida is the clearcut #1 team in the country. I ranked USC second, and Utah third

Pundit 2: I think Florida is good, but how you can you count out Utah? They beat some big schools and were undafeated. They literally could not possibly have a better record. How can you discredit that?

Pundit 1: Oh come on, Utah? You know that if they played Florida would beat them! They have Tim Tebow, Percy Harvin and Brandon Spikes and all those other fast guys. They would annihilate Utah.


And that's the problem. The season is OVER, yet people are still speculating. This doesn't happen with other sports. Isn't the point of the season to find a winner? You don't hear people interpreting which horse just won a race, or which team should win the NFL Championship. So if the rationale that people are using for the college championship is "Because I think Florida would probably beat Utah", why even play the games? Just sign your recruits, tell the media who your team is, have the almighty "the computers" be outfitted with an algorithm to quantify talent, and then tell us who won the season.

That makes just as much sense.