Soriano Will Get Plunked Tonight

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com, AndyDisco on Twitter

After Alfonso Soriano did some extended-edition showboating following a walkoff home run last night, look for Houston's Roy Oswalt to plunk him. Oswalt has some professionalism to his plunkings- you can expect it betwixt the knees and shoulders, nothing dirty.

My question then is: With the Cubs being the home team tonight, should Ryan Dempster hit an Astro (like Carloss Lee, who homered last night and has plenty of padding to absorb the impact of a Dempster fastfall to the thigh) in the top of the first in the hopes that both benches get warned? If he hits Lee, there's an increased liklihood that both benches will be warned, since he hit the aforementioned home run last night.

update: For all you fellow lovers of A Christmas Story....

Mom: "Whatcha cryin' for?"
TR: "Oswalt's gonna plunk, Fonzy (Soriano's unofficial nickname)."
Mom: "I promise you, Oswalt is not going to Plunk Fonzy"


















2nd update: I was either wrong, or just being sarcastic. You'll never the truth.




I'm T.R. Slyder, and that's how you Tangueray.

Cubs be in First Place

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com









I'm T.R. Slyder, and that's how you Tangueray.

Mariano Rivera Had More RBI Than the Chicago Cubs Today

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


It's true. Here is the Boxscore for the Yankees. And here it is for the Cubs.

Unbelievable. The Cubs season and dignity are over. He out-RBI'ed the Cubs in only his third career plate appearance.

I'm just glad I'm not a Cubs blogger or work for the organization so I'd be obligated to watch them. The only way this season could get worse is if my mother would call me to inform me that 1) the Cubs just acquired Todd Hundley again and, 2) I was an accident. With a guy other than who I thought "my dad" was.

Here are the cut-and-pasted versions

CHICAGO (35-37)

	AB	R	H	RBI	BB	K	LOB	SEASON AVG.
SorianoLF	4	0	2	0	0	1	1	.235
TheriotSS	4	0	0	0	0	2	1	.283
BradleyRF	3	0	0	0	1	2	1	.232
Lee1B	3	0	1	0	1	1	0	.289
FoxDH	3	0	0	0	1	1	3	.326
SotoC	4	0	0	0	0	0	3	.223
Freel3B	2	0	1	0	1	1	0	.160
FukudomeCF	3	0	0	0	0	1	3	.260
Blanco2B	3	0	0	0	0	0	2	.239
TOTALS	29	0	4	0	4	9	14
DOUBLES	Soriano (17)
LEFT ON BASE	7
STOLEN BASES	Freel (1)
ERRORS	Theriot (6)
CHICAGO PITCHING
	IP	H	R	ER	BB	K	HR	SEASON ERA
Zambrano(L, 4-3)	5.1	9	5	4	2	3	1	3.69
Patton	1.2	3	0	0	0	1	0	5.32
Hart	1.0	1	1	1	1	0	1	2.45
PITCHES / STRIKES	Zambrano 97-60, Patton 27-16, Hart 20-10
GROUND / FLY	Zambrano 9-9, Patton 2-3, Hart 3-1
TOTAL BATTERS FACED	Zambrano 28, Patton 8, Hart 5

And the Yankees...

NEW YORK (43-32)

	AB	R	H	RBI	BB	K	LOB	SEASON AVG.
JeterSS	2	1	1	0	3	0	0	.309
SwisherRF	2	1	0	0	1	0	0	.237
HughesP	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	-
MatsuiPH	1	0	0	0	0	0	0	.246
BruneyP	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	-
RiveraP	0	0	0	1	1	0	0	.000
Teixeira1B	4	1	1	2	1	1	3	.276
Rodriguez3B	1	0	1	0	3	0	0	.232
Cano2B	4	0	0	0	0	0	8	.297
PosadaC	3	0	1	1	0	0	0	.272
CabreraLF-RF	4	1	0	0	0	1	1	.286
GardnerCF	2	0	0	0	2	0	0	.289
WangP	2	0	0	0	0	0	1	.000
CokeP	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.000
DamonLF	2	0	0	0	0	0	2	.288
TOTALS	27	4	4	4	11	2	15
DOUBLES	Jeter (15), Teixeira (22)
RUNS BATTED IN	Rivera (1), Teixeira 2 (60), Posada (33)
2-OUT RBI	Rivera
LEFT ON BASE	8
SACRIFICE FLIES	Posada
STOLEN BASES	Cabrera (5)
CAUGHT STEALING	Cano (3)
DOUBLE PLAYS	(Jeter to Cano to Teixeira)
NEW YORK PITCHING
	IP	H	R	ER	BB	K	HR	SEASON ERA
Wang(W, 1-6)	5.1	4	2	2	3	3	0	10.06
Coke(H, 5)	0.1	0	0	0	0	1	0	3.31
Hughes(H, 2)	1.1	0	0	0	1	1	0	4.44
Bruney(H, 7)	0.2	0	0	0	2	1	0	2.84
Rivera(SV, 18)	1.1	1	0	0	0	2	0	2.93
INTENTIONAL WALKS	Rodriguez (by Hernandez), Teixeira (by Feliciano), Jeter (by Rodriguez)
PITCHES / STRIKES	Wang 85-49, Coke 6-4, Hughes 16-10, Bruney 15-6, Rivera 23-16
GROUND / FLY	Wang 12-3, Coke 0-0, Hughes 1-1, Bruney 0-1, Rivera 2-0
TOTAL BATTERS FACED	Wang 23, Coke 1, Hughes 5, Bruney 4, Rivera 5

Courtesy of Si.com

The Cubs May Not Be Getting Sold Afterall. Sonofa....

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

I hope the Cubs get sold to the Ricketts family. This news is pretty non-bodacious.

Update: It looks like the sticking point is the contracts of broadcasting rights. Since Wrigley is too old/historic to renovate/overhaul, the revenue garnered from game attendance is relatively fixed. So the owners would have to squeeze all the money out of broadcasting rights that it possibly could. That then puts a premium for the Ricketts family on getting an acceptable valuation of the Cubs media outlets- therein lies the problem. The Cubs' partial ownership of CSN and ownership of WGN tv and radio have created a very costly gray area in that process.

Some Things Are Just Meant to be

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Mr. T sang Take Me Out To The Ballgame at Wrigley.

My Disappointment in Cubs Vendors

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

So the Cardinals vendors concocted this t-shirt. Apparently the humor lies in the notion that 1. Carlos Zambrano is Hispanic, and, 2. Lower-class Hispanics commonly mow lawns for higher class people. Obviously that is hilarious because it's racially insensitive and because the Cardinals have a number of Hispanic players as well. Great job, Cardinals t-shirt mongers!

But the Cubs recently countered with an equally offensive/not funny t-shirt, only it was far less original. It says simply, "Pujols Mows My Lawn" and uses the same image. If you're gonna set your brain to "offensive t-shirt mode" shouldn't it be funnier?

I would have liked to have seen, "The Cardinals signed Pujols at a Home Depot Parking Lot" on a t-shirt instead. Then the t-shirt could feature his stupid squatty stance in the parking lot, signing a contract that is being handed to him by a guy with a crappy pickup truck with the Cardinals logo on it.

Step up your game, Cubs t-shirt mongers.

Denial of Cubbie Lovin'

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Good Cubs article from John Kass, a great Chicago journalist. He takes a pretty accurate reading of the temperature of Cubs fans. Well, not anally. Or orally or anything. I guess what I mean he is, he understands their emotions well, even if he is a White Sox fan.

Carlos Marmol: Vroom Vroom Pahty Stoppa

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Glad to see you back as the Cubs closer, Carlos Marmol. You are the consumate Pahty Stoppa.

Cubs to Kerry Wood: Don't let the Door hit 'ya Where the Good Lord Split 'ya

(That's me on the left, by the way. Just kidding. A man can dream though, can't he?)


By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


This was one of those "Yeah but still..." baseball moves. Wood was still good, but probably not a savvy baseball investment. When I heard he was traded, I had this argument with myself:



T.R.'s Heart: What? Kerry was the longest-tenured Cub!! He was a good closer! We can't just get rid of him!

T.R.'s Brain: Yeah, but he wasn't worth the price, and he'd want a few years more than he'd be worth. We can't just keep him on the payroll because he had 20 strikeouts in 1998 and is a good guy.

T.R.'s Heart: Yeah but still....

-End Scene-


Now the longest-tenured Cub? Carlos Zambrano with 8 years. Next is Aramis Ramirez with 5 and a half years.

Kerry was the first Cub to play in three different playoff series with the Cubs since, like the 40's or something. Maybe even before. I half-assedly tried to find it on Google, but gave up. I heard that at the beginning of this playoffs. He and his wife were active in the Chicago community as well. Farewell Kerry.

This Is Awesome

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Sadly, the first thing I thought of when I saw this was: It's like the kid is the Cubs and tree was an October choke. You could see the kid freeze and think "Oh shit. I am GOING to hit that tree!" about 4 seconds before he actually did. He froze and just got sucked in to the tree by unbridled fear.

Great parenting here, by the way. The point of buying your kid a helmet is so that you can fasten it so loosely that upon impact it will be in the yarmulka position, as opposed to covering his forehead. Since most impacts will be head-on, with the face and head thrust forward, it's nice to know that the crown of his head is protected in case something falls on it after his unprotected face gets obliterated.



http://view.break.com/586095 - Watch more free videos

On the Cubs Defecating the Mattress

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



Even though I'm a huge fan, I'm not going to let the choking of a bunch of multi-millionaires I've never met ruin my day. After all, I didn't suck, they did. I'm all for watching sports to escape dwelling on work, or less-fun parts of your life, or watching sports so you and a few friends have a better excuse to get together at a bar and drink for an afternoon- those things can legitimately improve your quality of life. But I'm not about to let sports do the opposite and put me in a foul mood for three days.

My dissociation from the Cubs at their time of suck reminded me of my Capstone class in school as a Psychology Major. The class was the Psychology of Sports Fans, and it met once a week for 3 hours. It was one of those classes/fields of study where you think, "I didn't realize someone made this an academic discipline, I'd just always thought this kinda stuff on my own while watching games with friends." Most of it was really intuitive and other stuff was surprisingly insightful. What I took away from the class most was BIRGing and CORFing.

BIRG is an acronym for "Basking In Reflected Glory", for your team. When your team wins and you're feeling great about the win, razz your friends who cheer for the vanquished opponent or wear your team's jersey to work the day after a big win, you are BIRGing.

The opposing of BIRGing is CORFing, or Cutting Off Reflected Failure. My opening sentence about multi-millionaires is an example of CORFing. Sometimes these constructs are referred to as the- "We won, but they lost phenomenon".



Now that my Superego got that off its chest, time for the Id to rant a little.


As I stated in an earlier post: I never want to see Soriano lead off again. Ever. He's a mistake pitch hitter with huge holes in his swing. He'll never be anything different. Of every major leaguer I've seen this year, Soriano strikes me as the player that thinks the least on the playing field. On top of that, he insists on leading off- yet he sucks. That's like if I were having dinner at your house and all the sudden felt nauseated and announced that I might be getting sick, then you said "Ok well, lets get you to the restroom...." and me responding with, "No, I'm fine right here. I'd feel the most comfortable throwing up on the dinner table." Who cares where you're comfortable? Try to quarantine your crap so it upsets as few people as possible. What a joke that guy is.

It was such a team-wide collapse that I hardly think it's worth trying to distribute blame to a select few. Soriano was putrid, but it wasn't just his fault. If he hit .500 they still would have lost. If Zambrano had pitched game one, the Cubs still wouldn't have gotten any hits off Lowe. With the exception of Zambrano, the Cubs didn't pitch, hit or field well collectively.

While the Cubs get to search their souls for answers, I'm gonna be watching the Bears and CORFing up a lung.

More Fun With The Names of Dodgers Pitchers

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Tonight L.A. trots out Hiroki Kuroda.

I can't help but think how it sounds like the Napolean Dynamite coined word "decroted". As in, "Why don't you go eat a decorted piece of CRAP?" (far right, 5th from top)

Well tonight the Cubs are gonna eat a Kuroda piece of crap. They eat pieces of crap like Kuroda for breakfast.

Being a Cubs Fan is Like Being in Brokeback Mountain

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


It's true. Being a Cubs fan is like being in Brokeback Mountain: I wish I could quit them, and all they do is B.F. me.


Why Fukudome was in the lineup is something I will never understand. And how he is fooled by breaking balls 100% of the time is even less excusable. Kosuke, how about you sit on a breaking ball and not on a fastball sometime? Seriously. If I saw a three year old girl look as bad swinging and missing as you do on off-speed pitches, I'd tell her to quit baseball immediately.

Lee, Ramirez and Soriano- We should call you The Halloween Hookers, because you guys do a LOT of laying down in October- and make a LOT of money doing it too. Good god. Eli Manning's goobery hangdog face is more confidence-inspiring than the looks on your loser faces in the playoffs. I would be legitimately excited if I saw all three of those chokers benched on Saturday. I have had enough of seeing them look like beaten men in the playoffs.

You guys are gonna give Ron Santo an H.A.

Getting the Cubs Back on Track: An Open Letter to Lou Piniella

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



Lou,

I'm a Cubs fan, not a masochist. With that in mind, let's get right to it.

1. Don't lead off Soriano ever again. If he isn't in one of his twice-a-year hitting streaks, he kinda sucks. He says that he feels most comfortable leading off. Based on his flailing failures at the plate last night, would you use the word "comfortable" to describe him? Me neither. Since he's 0% comfortable, bat him 7th or 8th so he his discomfort can be swept under the rug a bit more, instead of ruining the top of order.

2. Bench Fukudome. You can put him in for defensive purposes later in the game to protect a lead, but let's actually try to acquire a lead first. And it's been difficult as of late to acquire a lead with him in the lineup and Soriano leading off. Put DeRosa in right, and Fontenot at second. I realize DeRo isn't 100% but he's a gamer, he'll be fine. Even if he makes a 2-base error, it can't be worse than what Fukudome does at the plate.

3. Make sure Zambrano is hydrated tonight, and doesn't get his Matt Foley on and drink coffee in the clubhouse for 4 hours (1:22 mark) before the game.


That's it. Do those and keep doing what you've been doing.


Awesome Regards,


T.R.

Wait...The Dodgers Are Pitching WHO?

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com

Apparently the Dodgers are sending a Chad Billingsly to the mound today against the Cubs. No seriously. Chad Billingsly. Anyone with any concern for the awesome knows that Los Angeles has room for only two Billingslies in town, and both slots are occupied. *Ugh,*I'll break down what should already be known.

1) Barbara Billingsly. Pop Culture Icon June Cleaver on Leave it To Beaver. She will forever be the quintessential homemaker and famously battled the also quintessential duplicitous teenage snake, Eddie Haskel. More modern pop-culture junkies will be interested to know that she voiced "Nanny" on Muppet Babies. Any respected judge of television-mother-awesomeness ranks Barbara Billingsley's June Cleaver amongst the likes of Claire Huxtable, Carol Brady, and Lois Griffin as the coolest television mothers of all time. Anyone claiming to be a better Hollywood Billingsley is blasphemous. She is THE Hollywood Billingsley.










2) Peter Billingsley.

Just when you think your city has met it's quota for awesome Billingsleys, this guy comes along. Barbara had long been known as THE Hollywood Billingsley, much like Jean Shepherd long been hailed as THE story-teller of his day. Yet no one could have foreseen that Shepherd's book In God We Trust: All Others Pay Cash would one day become a movie that would change a young Peter Billingsley's life and launch him into pop-culture iconography. He'd go onto play Ralphie Parker, the lead role the film adaptation of Shepherd's book; a movie called A Christmas Story, which would go on to be the most popular Christmas movie in Hollywood History. That movie is now a househould staple, and "Ralph Parker", thus forever linking him with Barbara as the only Billingsleys of import in the history of Los Angeles.


So like all good icons, what happened to them? They were copied. The Beatles had the Monkees, Diff'rent Strokes had Webster, Nirvana had Pearl Jam, and Bill Hicks had Dennis Leary. So it's logical to assume that Barbara and Peter Billingsley would one day be copied.

Apparently that day is today. The Dodgers of Los Angeles are trotting out their latest in icon knock-offery, someone named Chad Billingsley. Who does he think he is???? Much like how I would never allege that France needs more black denim wearing guys with B.O.. And I'd never wish we had more Boy Bands to rival the legacies of 'NSync and the Backstreet Boys; America, much less L.A., has no need for another Billingsley. We just don't. L.A. has produced two inconic Billingsleys, and we need to make room for other last names to achieve iconic status. Cheering for Chad Billingsley or the Dodgers on Thursday would be like cheering for someone who called himself Kurt Cobain II, or a band called The Next Beatles; we're content with the prior namesakes, but thanks anyway. So be a good American and vote No for the L.A. Dodgers in tomorrow's election.

This Shocked Me

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


I took a walk into Wrigleyville today and this is what I saw on the corner of Addison and Clark. It isn't that I disagree, but I thought this was in kinda poor taste. Only someone totally low class would write and display such a negative message.

Cubs Emotion-o-Meter 10/1 Edition: Playoffs Game #1

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com



Just to make sure everyone is awake out there in Cubland we're gonna do a brief word puzzle. What popular phrase do these three pictures make?





I'm sure you were able to figure it out. But I just wanted to make sure you were intellectually limber while getting focused for the Cubs game tonight.

Tonight's game (6:30 ET on TBS) is the one that scares me the most, from a Cubs fan's perspective. The Cubs starter is Ryan Dempster, and the Dodgers send Derek Lowe to the mound. Righty Derek Lowe is pitching against a Cubs lineup that has a lot of right-handed hitters, and it's a lineup that might even be a bit rusty after having rested so many of its big hitters for so long. Lowe has had success against the Cubs in the past few years, and if he can keep the Cubs righties off-balance, it could possibly set the tone for the series, much like what happened with Brandon Webb and the Cubs last post season. In that series the Cubs were anemic offensively and never got the ball rolling. A good pitching performance can put an entire team in a slump for a few games after that.

That being said, Dempster is an absolute beast. His numbers are consistently better than Lowe's all season, despite Dempster pitching in a hitter's park, and Lowe pitching in a pitcher's park. Dempster has also came up biggest for the Cubs when it has mattered most all season, and he'll have the unanimous backing of the crowd which will probably sound like they have have been drinking coffee, snorting coke, smoking meth and contracting rabies, collectively, for the last 10 hours. I'm not worried about Dempster showing up, but I am mildly concerned that the Cubs' bats won't.

But I still like the Cubs to win. Ordinarily, I don't try to predict the score but since I know so many of my readers are gamblers and bet the over/under I'll venture a guess tonight, since it's the playoffs: Cubs 87, Dodgers, 2.

Marquis Mark and the Fukudome Bunch Win Again

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


The Cubs kicked the Brewers' hiney again today. Ted Lilly took a no-hitter into the 7th, Kosuke Fukudome got a hit somehow (a home run, no less), Carlos Marmol looked strong out of the pen, Jason Marquis looked just as comfortable crapping the bed out of the bullpen as he does crapping the bed as a starter, and the Cubs' B-team held off the pesky Brewers in Milwonky.

I hope Lou's strategy of benching all of his marquee players doesn't leave them rusty for the playoffs, but other than that it looks like Captain Lou is keeping the Big Blue Train on the rails.

Cubs Emotion-o-Meter 9/26 Edition: 3 Games Left

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


No one tore an ACL, so that was good. Lou started all the usual non-starters, and other than starter, pitched all the un-usual suspects so it's tough to care too much about anything. Except Micah "The Hoff" Hoffpauir. He was 5 for 5 with 5 RBI and 3 runs scored. That's good. And I like good. One thing about Micah Hoffpauir that most people don't know is that during a game in AAA this year, he hit 4 home runs in a game AND was involved (defensively) in a triple play. I love that guy.

In Chicago baseball A-Hole news: I was watching part of the White Sox game for a bit. Juan Uribe (of the white sox) was up with the bases loaded and two out in like the third inning with the game tied. So it was an important at bat, but nothing huge since it was still early in the game. He got ahold of a pitch and hit it up the middle and TAGGED the pitcher in like the forearm or ribs. It ricocheted a few feet from the pitcher, where he collected ball and overthrew first base, allowing 3 runs to score. So that was a pretty dramatic 5 seconds. As soon as Uribe hit it, you're thinking "ok, this is a few runs." then the ball hits the pitcher and you're thinking "ouch, I hope he's ok. He may actually be able to throw Uribe out." But not White Sox announcer, Hawk "The Hick" Harrelson. When the ball plunked the Twins pitcher, he didn't say anything humane like "ooohhhh" or "ouch" or "I hope he's ok". What did he say instead? "Dagnabbit" as in "Dagnabbit, the pitcher blocked it from going into the outfield". After the play, Hawk's moron co-announcer, Darren Jackson, was playing the part of diplomat talking about the condition of the fallen pitcher and wishing him well, while Hawk was like a kid on Christmas morning, shouting "What a lucky break! Oh boy! What a HUGE play that was! That's three lucky breaks for the Sox this inning!". Classy.

Enough crappy news.




Cubs Emotion-o-Meter Word(s) of the Day: Keepin' the big blue train on the rails.

Cubs Emotion-o-Meter Cub Fan Emotion Monkeyified: Deep in thought about the playoffs.

Cubs Emotion-o-Meter 9/25 Edition: 4 Games Left

By: T.R. Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


I feel that, much like Nancy Reagan in the photo above, the Cubs are on the precipice of greatness. Right now the good Cubs fans are just casually coasting through the rest of the regular season and are more concerned with making sure the (playoff bound) pitchers are doing well and everyone else stays healthy, moreso than wins and losses.

To that end, last night's start by Carlos Zambrano raised an eyebrow as he gave up 5 earned runs in 4 and 2/3rds of an inning, punctuated by giving up a grand slam to Carlos Delgado, which I think is Spanish for "Carlos of the the Cat". In contrast to that start, middle reliever Neal Cotts had a very good outing and Bobby Howry showed some grit in getting out of a jam, albeit a jam he got himself into.

Today's Cubs Emotion-o-Meter Word(s) of the Day: "Just keepin' it on the rails. " That was the answer my train conductor gave me in Philadelphia a few years back when I asked him what his strategy was for my trip. That simple answer has always stuck with me for some reason. Nothing fancy, just keeping things in order.

Today's Cubs Emotion-o-Meter Fan Emotions Monkeyified: Just hanging out until the playoffs.